Saturday, 3 December 2011

Big Ones

Buckle up people trying a big one.  Was reading some blog and there it was "I am a woman."  It said.  Could I?  Oh dear, am I in the wrong body?  Putting aside the gender binary I do not know.  OK I came late to the party, say 45 but some prewtty big hints earlier and its my big theory of everything.  There is a something and its a big something.  I can go out dressed and do need to, there has been a significant expense on it and it is a "constant Buzz" as it has been described as.  But transition, am I a woman?  I might be but probably not fulltime, though it is tempting in an ideal world.  A coiple of years ago J L said "if you had the money and a big house would you transition?"  I said no that women had a bad lot in society but it made me think.  I think if the option arose I would dress fulltime but not go for SRS.  A couple of years ago I would not get pierced ears, before that I would not have shaved my body so what for the next couple of years?  Lots of question marks.  Actually losing the male genitals would not be a big problem I suspect but probably going fulltime is about as far as I would go.  I do not think I am a woman I am not a man.  So what we have is the spectrum, not 0 or 1 but 0 to ,say, 7.  Watch this space.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Lets have some good news

Spent 2 days in Brighton.Down wednesday and back saturday.  Stayed at Legends, Britians largest gay hotel.  If can get a quite room then may stay there next year summer.Thursday spent at London, Alison Dale, not sure how that went.  Needs a bit more thinking about.  Spent wednesday night in Leegends bar, Tammy drag karoake, not sure about thursday night, but was there friday night.  OK this is the BIG thing.  Got up friday, shaved, put makeup on, dressed en femme, had breakfast went all round Brighton and had one change of dress and in evening legends bar.  From 9.00am to say 11.00pm.  Out 9.30am till 8.00pm.   No probnlems at all.  Felt fine, talked to shop assistants and bar maids, went to MAC, did the Body Modification gallery at Brighton museum, the Pavilion gardens, walked along Western Road, Hove library, Hove Museum, Long Tall Sally, The Signalman pub at London Road station, KFC at Preston Circus.  Even several female toilets, bit uncertain about that one. The Lanes, The Hand in Hand pub in Kemptown.  How it should be.  Massive boost.  It was so easy.

Sunday, 9 October 2011

Keep calm and keep posing

Sometimes you go through a set of pics you have taken and see one which you just KNOW will be good. You put it through Photoshop, not long, just a few clicks, post it and very little else happens.  It is not picked up by many people and so there it sits.  I did a bunny girl set which I thought ticked all the boxes, wrong.  Been here before.  Expect to be liked by the Flickr elite and no joy  only get the pervs and loyal fans, thank you you know who you are.  Each year I wonder whether its worth contining with Flickr, each year I pony up the money.  Perhaps if I had outdoor pics with other gurls,,natural pics bt no I rely on skin and long legs.   Only one thing worse than being talked about and thats...Oh crap another downer post.  On the plus side, could allways start the leaving nice comments game rather than an English ideal of assuming the pic will sell its self.  perhaps there is a certain purity in that.

Friday, 9 September 2011

'ear, 'ear

Last saturday I got my ears pierced.Just the lobes.  Really wanted to wear hoops, bit slutty I know!  The new drees code said 2only ear piercings visible"  Green light then.  Nlo mention of gender( lets not go there) or, even more interestingly, the location od=f the piercing   The tragus piercing may be OK.  Granted not what they meant but we shall see.  People have noticed, not immediately but they do notice.  Couple of women surprisingly supportive, one male went on about his piercings in youth.  So have 2 microlabret studs, 1.2 mm by 9 mm 3.5 mm balls at a guess.  Not particularly painful very fleeting, less than navel!  One rather nice woman said "you have had your ears done" and showed a couple of piercings at tops of ear.  I said, quietly  " I have other piercings!"  "  lets leave it at that" she said not in a bad way.  On thursday realised it gave comfort.  The lobes are too small for ideal but it looks nice to me.  Another bit of female to carry around.  6 weeks time can put proper earrings in.  We sha  see. Blame the Buddha, he had pierced and strettched ears, look at the lobes. 

Sunday, 14 August 2011

On the level

Back from Brighton and what have I done.  Well it was a Sapphire success.  Out on sunday lunchtime to see Rebecca at the Pier went for a coffee, Red Roaster, and a drink.  Stonking success that was.  Out single handed for several hoursd walked through the lanes back to Phoenix.  Absolute result.  Friday before night out with Stella.  Worried there may be sexual activity did not happen.  Sat ouitside Pheonix Halls for 20 mins. Drink, curry and disco at Legends, bit of a snog.  Good result.  Then friday makeover at MAC's followed by walking on Pier drink at legends, coffee at ex toilets place,  going to Long Tall Sally, back through lanes shopping at Sainsbury's. Waked on Brighton beach shingle in barefeet, painted toenails, meant to do that 2 years ago, did it then.  Ended by doing the walk on the levels did  2 years ago in the dark.. This time in daylight.Massive self confidence boost.  Not quite sure how going to cope at home after this but total result.  OK glass half empty time.  Monday, wednesday and thursday were booked so not available but more could have been done.  When will Sapphire be out next?  Need to squirrel away as much as possible.

Sunday, 19 June 2011


Another pic but not mine but assuming not infringing any copyright.  If so I'l remove it if asked. deep down who am I?  Isobella Rosselini, Catherine Denerve or Carole Bouquet but being born in the 1960's I also have to say Kay Kendall.  I have am tall. her nose is the result of plastic surgery after an accident.  Here it is.  Love the 50's early 60's look, thin waist, hats, heels, lots of work on appearance.  Then I appreciate reality kicks in.  Cosmetics in the 50's must have been awful, no artificial fibres, what would nail varnish have been like?   Fish tail dresses, want to walk in one of those?  Kay Kendell playing the trumpet in Genevieve.  Do me.  Died at 33 of leukaemia in 1959. Even beautiful things must die, but later would be nice.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Life is not neat and perhaps one of the functions of art is to make it appear so, discuss.  Anyway, August 2009 I went to Transvision at Brighton.  Big, big thing it was.  It warmed me for months. first time out to a club, big expectations.  It was not a success and I ended up vomiting in my bed, not the famous victory i was after.  Picture 1, left.  I was already drunk when this pic was taken, smelling very sweaty, talked to no one,  felt bad about it all.  Lets call it my Dieppe moment.
Turn to pic 2.  1 and a half years later.  In a club, dressed there, very much in control of things.  Limited comparisions but this is real life.  Taken in a toilet again, bit thinner more experienced, same wig, sex acts had taken place.A couple of months before I had been in Brighton and dressed on2 evenings gone out to Legends, had drink,  chatted with Tgurls

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Heisenberg Uncertaincy Principle

No dressing for 3 weeks now, not good really but not crawling up the walls as I have done!  The cold for the last week has helped but meant a potential window did not happen!  How much more would I like to dress, take pics, go out?  Well I do not know but if the Brighton evidence is anything to go by not every night but more frequently.  In the current environment it would require a very significant change for that to happen.  Having said that it might just which may be some comfort if it does occur.  So here's the nub of the matter.  What am I?  TS/TG something else, confused or just making the best of it?  What does the fact that it all kicked off in my 40's mean?  Does that suggest its not a deep, inner core part of me?   Will attempt to "push the envelope" more at Brighton.  The thing is when dressed I feel no different, it just feels usual.. Out going to Jodies was no sense of being odd, more worried about people's reactions than anything else.  This takes us to the drive which I do feel to dress  and go out.  There is something there,  deny it at your peril.  Back to the beginning again.

You cant get what you want Joe Jackson

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Walking on the moon

Hope to spend 10 days in Brighton end of July start of August. Could be good for Sapphire, trip to Sweet Wednesdays, possibly Frockup friday.  Like to arrrange a meet with a girl I know down there.  Ideally a tranny party.  Ideally out in daylight would be nice too.  Might spend some time in Legends bar.  Trip to Boudoir less likely, Claire Project possibly too.  Perhaps this is the best bit.... anticipation.  Two years ago the thought of going to Transister kept me warm for months.  Really wanted to walk on shingle in tights.  That was a disappointment to say the least, but a real learning experience anyway.

Sunday, 15 May 2011

They don't want your name

When Paige first "broke out" I started to diet and do some exercises.  I was 12 stone 3/4 ish.  Over time I got down to 12 stone but getting lower was real work but I got to 11 stone 2-4 LB, BMI 20.0.  Every so often I would dip briefly below 11 st but it never lasted.  The exercise became Pilates and I still do it now more so than ever. My waist went from 36 to 31  lower on other bits.Now I am 11 st 9 which and my waist is 32 inches, my BMI is 21.1.  My body fat is between 8 and 12 % depending on calcculation.  These are the numbers I live by and matter.  I am shoes iseze 7-8 female and clothes size 10-12. Not sure where I am going with this weight business but as a male I look slight and thin.  One final number 48, my age.  I can do nothing about that, it is starting to show on my face.  Others may be fat or untoned but unlined face.  Still lets make the best of things.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

The way it is.

My posts seem to say that it is not a happy thing for me to be trans.  That I do not enjoyit.  This is wrong.  I want to do it right, properly so set the bar very high.  Also it is not optional anymore and I need to do it.  Just felt it necessary to put the record right on that one.

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Better to travel hopefully..

Just reread my last post.  Possibly it sounds too harsh on Jodie.  If so not meant.Must be hard to day in day out to listen to Trannys with sob stories who expect more than is reasonable from great makeup and good clothes sense.  And that's it really.  How great is some MAC and Long Tall Sally.  How much magic can they weave?  I recently talked to a guy in a suit who said would dress but needed to lose 3 stones so did not.  Go to Flickr how many pics show tgurls who really could do with losing a bit of weight?  Don't get me wrong, I am not completely having a go at them.  Presumably the clothes are enough, which must be great.  I lost 1.5 stones and do a lot of pilates most days to keep me in shape. I am still not happy with my look. They get the effect they are after without that. Clothes are not enough.  I like catsuits and my Flickr stream is littered with my pics of this.  Someone is very polite and will post some flattering reference to Diana Rigg.  This is what she could do;

Wasting my time!!!

Friday, 29 April 2011

Paying for company

OK lets "unpack" a visit to the Boudoir dressing service.  Why go?  Basically because I have no Tgurl friends to talk to and swap experience to learn from.  Sad but true. It would have been the 6th visit.  For the last 5 I have wondered if I would return and have.  Finally did the going there dressed but not by tube.  Its £180, a lot but not too much.  Its something to look forward to in the cold dark months with limited dressing opportunities and that is worth a lot believe me.  I got the 20% off voucher for Trendco, got the choice of wig, got experience of MAC StudioSculpt concealer, may be a good thing.  Even more imprtantly calmed me down and said I was doing OK,could go out.  Will I go again?  Keep meaning to go else where.  Jodie can be a bit "perfunctuary" and going throught the motions, a second opinion would be good.  We shall see.  Ideally I would like to think I had outgrown them and developed more as a tgurl.

Monday, 25 April 2011

From Chuck Yeager to Alan Shepard

Last year I went to london and the Boudoir.  The plan was to go dressed.  9.30am there I was, dressed, madeup, the plan was to return in boy mode so had plastic bag with stuff, bag broke, gave me the excuse to abort it.  Probably having to do the tube frightened me too much.  This year diffeent room same plan.  Modification take a taxi, Jodie at new place closer.  Been out in Brighton so bit better.   Dressed, madeup, packed then... Phoned for a taxi.  Waited outside at 9.50am.  Taxi arrives 5 mins later.  Takes 10 mins.  Drops me outside Bethnal Green tube £12.  Walk around Bethnal Green ,  sit in park, people pass me I pass them.  At 1045 arrive at Boudoir.  OK she says "your are early, not ready yet"  but knocked on door dressed in lycra leggings, M and S Covent Garden top, flat shoes and little scarf.  Out in the world for say 35 mins, dressed, alone.  No sweat.  OK did not then go to Trendco dressed which would have involved the tube.  Oh yes, I took a "I was there" pic too. 

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Atale of 2 tall girls

Last April I was in Brighton and saw a girl as tall as me.  Skinny jeans with a lot smaller girl, brown hair.  It was quite a shock and had to spend money in MAC to recover.  So that is what , at some very best, I could hope to look like.  Not a good moment I must say.  Rather a dent in my confidence.  Anway, fast forward to March 2011.  Durham.  Saw a really tall girl.  German ot Dutch or scandenavian.  Flip flops, small shorts, tee shirt, hair scrunched up.  Even taller.  Eventually got up to her in passing in the street, I only went up to her shoulder.  Now for the good bit.  Nobody took any notice of her, nobody pointed or even waited till she passed to stare at her.  So you could be that tall and ignored.  OK she looked as she was total girlbut still better news.  OK may not pass but nobody may care.  Like to beleive that one.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Treading Water

Had a couple of chances to dress since back.  One with makeup and pics one a bit sudden, no or very little makeup mostly trying to sort out lighting for pics.  The lycra leggings still really work well. Pics not really upto it.  Looking as if to take the pics to next level some big work is required. The pics showed old me again, not due totally to direct flash!  Still get thoughts of deleting Flickr account and am I too old.  Get the big "will it pass?" thought.   The hunt for a new camera goes on too.Assuming still sticking with Sony unless spend £500 plus all of them have flaws. One to ponder on.  Suspect will probably wait for new model to come out, possibly the 560, mif it ever appears!

Friday, 4 March 2011

Better to travel hopefully..

Well, that was the week that was! Saturday to tuesday morning alone as Paige.  Wednesday till saturday in brighton.  Too much too concentrated of course.  Lots of plannning, charging batteries and expectation.  So spent sunday and monday taking pics, getting the wireless flash system running and just doing it.  Should be enough pics for a couple of months.  Brihgton, well much expectation and hope and belief.  The result was on the whole positive.  Dressed all 3 days, out in Legends twice, sexual meet but not anal but BDSM, yay!  Ideally wuld have gone out during the day but must have logged a good few hours as Paige.  OK Legends was a safe area but sadly not chatted up.  Met B*******S****, lets be polite, ditsy.  Shopped for an outfit, got a nice outfit. Shopping at MAC.  Standing outside Gulivers , dressed, waiting for my date with a bottle of wine.  Worth a lot. Back to reality.  learnt a bit about makeup, taking pics and BDSM.  Sadly do look older, oh dear.  8/10

Saturday, 19 February 2011

I am writing this wearing leggings, a denim skirt, bra, breastforms, nailand toe varnish.  On the downside I am also wearing a fleece and have removed my wig.   I have shaved most of my body.  How do I feel?  Well nothing, or else normal.  I do not think "what am i doing this is wrong" or get sexually aroused by it all. This is how it should be.  Earlier at 9.05 am I was in Mataland and bought , well nothing, OK my nerve may well have gone but there was nothing there I really wanted.  Nothing that was me.  another good sign, I prefer to believe.  Or a really bad sign that I am truely transgendered and will have to take this further and this will require significant lifestyle changes.

Friday, 28 January 2011

It was not meant to be this way

I have just posted a comment of Flickr on a pic for a tgurl who I really admire.  Chic, great clothes, good makeup skills, living the life lots of outside pics with other people.  Basically looks like an attractive girl enjoying life. Very aspirational.  This led me to think about my Flickr stream.  Oh dear, I look like an old tart, too much skin, lingerie, heels, inappropiate clothes.  Actually this is not too bad in the scheme of things.  There are no pics of my genitalia or "gaping bottom" shots at the extreme end.  Moving up the scale I am clean shaven, fairly thin and not an hairy panty wearer. I make an effort, use MAC cosmetics, expensive, wear a wig but still bit of a slapper.  I have no illusions.  If I had the money, opportunity and damn luck I would be different but the question is "how much can I change?"  Perhaps it is time to change from chasing Flickr hits to something else.

Sunday, 23 January 2011

What kind of girl are you?

Following on from the last post.  Well what girl am I.  I want to be Carole Boquet or Catherine Denerve in my pics but am some good time girl from Titbits, showing skin but nothing too revealing now.  It would take a lot of money and clothes, accessories and time and nerve, too many ands, to be that sort of girl so you get skin.  Not too bad skin to be fair, I a thinnish and itd not embarrasing, I do epilate.  My pics are good quality, flash, DSLR post processing but not to create an illusion but change lighting conditions.  I want grainy rubbish pics taken in bars and discos by other tgurls on compacts, makeup all off after sweating for several hours and too many whitewine spritzers.  You get   academic dry pics which would be more suited to a moonrock.  Might as well add a ruler to the pics and be done with it!

Thursday, 20 January 2011

The hidden manual

Pre Sapphire I was heterosexual but not very successful to put it mildly.  Odd, very, homo thought, but thats it. Well as Sapphire woove her magic on my psyche things changed over time.  However theory and practice. well lets say it was a learning experience but not a very real desire to repeat.  I was not prepared for the psychological change and had read very very little about it.  Well my Flickr post had several which showed genetilia, for friends only.  Deleted them all yesterday.  Again not entirely sure why.  Not ashamed of them and very few people saw them.  A gurl likes to be liked and perhaps to be liked sexually is part of that.  I would like to have lovely clothes and a young face and be good nat that.  But I have neither.  I am too tall but have put a lot of work into my body.  Its not ideal but that I am showing but feel this may change over time.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Back in the box

"NO the town will do"  so Sapphire suffers another cut.  Go to newcastle that adds an hour onto the journe, more shops adds more time result more safer time to be Sapphire.  Town loses at least an hour.  Less Sapphire time, more uncertainty, bad, bad, bad.  So Sapphire goes back into the box, again.  Not enough time already.  Each time I think the Sapphire thing is passing something happens to say no no it is not you are stuck with it now.  Thebottom line is can I cope with just what I have or do I need more?  If more then more drastic action will be required with bigger reprecussions.

Saturday, 8 January 2011

Planting a flag

Round about this time last year I deleted my first Flickr account, after paying for pro status and propmptly having all my pics put to restricted status, not totally wrongly.  I later relented and created a new account, new name, and this later too went Pro.  When I first setup the first account I hoped to mail beautiful Tgurls and swap tips and get all girly via email.  This, very largely, did not happen.  It would be reasonable to say this may be my fault, partly, I do not seem to have the type of personality which is warm and opening but also the nature of my pics is more risque than I would have thought I would do.  Perhaps this attracts the wrong type of Flickr'er or perhaps this is the nature of Flickr.  It is the equavalent of knocking on doors and running away, risk free comments can be left.  The there are people who have only pics of their genitals or no pics but put you as friend status. This fools no one.  Recently had a couiple of mistresses doing the be my cissy thing which if done nicely could be appealing but has not been.  To balance out this some admirers have been lovely, some gg have left nice comments and several Tgurls have been kind.  It would be very easy thought to stop posting pics and I do wonder about it seriously.  If the not nice: nice ratio gets too bad perhaps I will but do not hold your breath.

Tuesday, 4 January 2011

Things which never were and should have been

I shall be 48 soon, this makes Sapphire only 3 and a half years old.  before then she could have broken out 1 perhaps 2 years earlier.  There were some very heavy hints even 4-5 years before that.  Took some pics of me a couple of days ago and I looked old, the eyes were crinkly and the 2 lines from nostril to mouth obvious.  On the plus side still thin and legs good but in a couple of years could be significantly worse.  Look at Flickr and see young Tgurls and know I will never look like that and feel sad.  OK probably be over this in a few months as Sapphire matures but it is profoundly depressing.  I can  say that the lighting was bad, it was, and I can edit the pics not very much at all to good effect but still.  Actually the best reply was "you couldnot have handled it earlier"  lets hope it's true.  how many young Tgurls in 1990's were unhappy?  I hope very few.

Monday, 3 January 2011

New year new me?

back in the 1970's 80's you could buy Letts diaries for different people.  I carried the student and the science where yellow pages had unique information to make you chose mode easier.  By march how many of them had been binned or left to gently be destroyed in the bottom of a bag or pocket.  Now we have blogs.  Muc more ecofriendly.  gosh what a negative start.  I am a tgurl, my designation, My LIfestyle it appears was not a choice but finally sprung out on me at the tender age of 44.  lots of issues there.  Follow me as wacky adventures and insights into eye liner follow.  Alternatively by April it will be forgotten, not very likely.