Saturday, 21 February 2015

Some good, some bad

Its saturday night now, been back 3 days and so what to say? Well there is not a sense of failure or enbarassment but not of success either. Still not quite sure what happened on tuesday.  Possibly the combination of a cold, bad nights sleep, a bad wig and being out of practise did not help. The knees felt bad too. If I could have cancelled I would. That there was no bad incidents perhaps says a lot. OK the important question, what was not needed on the trip? Well the white scarf and the red gloves straight off. Coiple of the nighties were not needed too. One of the pairs of leggings, possibly a couple of bras, 1 of the wigs thats probably about it. I would have made sure the batteries for the camera were charged too. What you do get is the sense of potential at Brighton.  If I had the money and time there were things I could have done. Then there is the makeup, ideally that needs a bit of a rethink, spend more time practising. As ever the voice requires much work. It was disappointing the number of times got "sirred" need to move the balance of probablity to female a bit more. Be nice to sort out the piercings too. Get the nails sorted out as well, possibly stickons.  A kinono would have helped too. A new coat would help. The knees being off and concerns over the running may have put a dampner on things.  I keep returning to this one as I do needto improve.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Brighton Spring 2015

I am sitting on a bed in Brighton, leggings, top, breastforms, makeup. Tomorrow I go back home. So how was it, Brighton Spring 2015? If you had asked me yesterday I would have said great, earlier today i would have said somethings gone wrong somewhere and now, well not so bad but need to up the game a bit. Nothing as such went wrong, was out from 10.30 till after 4 and had a wow moment but something else also kicked in. Walking round M and S womens clothes felt out of place, the wig was a bit bedraggled, the makeup shiny and nor yp to it anymore. Even though for a moment it was all passing.  Still talked to a shop assistant and it went fine but when got back to room and had bath felt not good at all. Partly it os a sign of how far i have advanced that I felt less than chipper about today. I was hot and sweaty, kept coughing and not 100 %.  The left knee was playing up and I felt old. Its the knee business, hopefully it gets resolved and I can run again, the cold goes and i will feel better all round. The makeup skills are not good enough it seems, the wig has seen better days i do feel more positive about the new breastforms, they are good. Bit tired of the cagulle, that has seen better days and the boots looked good but are tight. There is the ongoing issue of the voice and looking older. As ever the negatives speak for themselves the positives do require saying too. I was not stared at or anything like that, people were polite and an awful lot worked, this all sounds very familiar. The fleecy leggings are lovely. I do feel Sapphire has been fed but she wants more, course she does. The moment in the Madhatter, the bra at She Said, there are 2 standout moments, more will appear later.
So to the summer, lets start on the voice it will help, a coat will not be required, I should be healthier, a new wig should be possible. I am not hoing to be too negative about this holiday but perhaps I have been a bit complacent about things. I should have somewhere to cook food or a refrectory, should be running too. Lots of girls do not even get what I have had in the last2 days so lets be positive. You rely on these holidays and put so much hope into them.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Ready For The Off

Well off tomorrow. The cold has kicked in so hoping that will be contained or else it could be bad. The packing is as bad as it ever is. Only 2 days but so  much stuff, why? Hope to get a coat, ideally a parka or trench coat, that would be good. The run seems unlikely. Do not really expect to see anyone down there. The boots and the leggings should be good, would like an insole for the flat shoes but they are ready to be replaced anyway.  Lets hope the knees are up to it. Just to be left alone in a room seems to be a nice thing at the moment. November went very well lets not forget that. 

Friday, 13 February 2015

Lets be real

i have never had a girl friend, incredibly enough. Possibly my possible Aspergers or Gender dysphoria but anywat no girl or woman has ever thought hmm lke to spend time with him. Until the dysphoria reahed her head there was a belief it was only a matter of time, some woman would find me attractive. And why not; kind considerate and caring when you see so many less good types out there, it was only a matter of time.  Then over time it withered and died. The last woman I would watch for signs that they were watching me for signs of atraction really died in 1996. After that it seemed to ebb away, not totally, I am still roughly heterosexual and in my dreams, such as they are, my future is with a female not a male. How ever my future is alone.

Scent of a woman

In 2012, I think, in Brighton, when first out, went to Lush for a scent or perfume. mentioned before the trick where they hold your hand to release the scent. Well ended up with 1,000 Kisses.  Its anice if full on scent. Now I wear CK1 which is supposed to be unisex so I wear it in male mode as well. Bit of a nod to going full time I suppose. The smell of freedom is my ideal scent which is quite light. The aim is to leave a slight smell when I depart, not overpowering but certainly there part of a diffusion shell of slight smell.
Tonight been dressed but no makeup, not good really.  The lines on face are too prominent, certain Linda lee potter look not ideal. Granted not shaved.
It would have been good to do the support group with makeup on. Always meant to but it never happened. Theclose was very unexpected, bang and gone. No notice at all. Had I known I was attending the last meeting prior togetting there would have prepared something, a card or a present. II made an effort, hope it was enough and was appreciated.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Nearly There

In 5 days I will be in Brighton. In one sense there is a certain lack of excitement and in another the thought of being out dressed is rather exciting. The having to hide everything in my room is a right pain. In November the extraction fan in the bathroom was so noisy that I remembered I had some tea light s in my pack and used them very successfully, that combined with the M and S gin mixer drinks worked very well. Still battle to pack, even for basically 2 days. Then there is the trip down and back 1 day each way. At least will not have the awful coming in to Newcastle, waiting at the bridge, getting the last train home. There are no real plans, like to do the Ghost Walks, can easily spend 1 day wandering round, could do Lewes, whatever it will work. A coat would be good, thinking parka, fur round the hood. Hoping the boots work, will try some type of inner sole in the flats. Like the idea of a run but thats very dubious now, possibly 1, say 1 hour.
Possibly a MAC makeover but not certain about that.
There is a lot of family issues which have overshadowed things, sadly.
Started the look for a new compact digital camera. The current one is fine but getting on and for a bit less money I should be able to get one with remote control possibly via the phone. That would be good. The current one has been very effective but from a selfie point of view could be better. Also need to think about a new MP3 player.
Might go the Duke of Yorks must see whats on.  Will visit the Emporium, the museum, possibly the Pavilion. Must remember the bears this time. If the days left for holidays is correct might be able to squeeze in a long weekend in London, though that would need money, possibly Manchester. The big question is what about the girl when at home? Thats the rest of the time.

Friday, 6 February 2015

It Really Does Not Matter

It is 23:49 on a friday.  I am wearing the fleecy leggings, black polo top, heels amd plum wig. Straight on its all rather good, perhaps the breast forms are too big but not an issue. From side on its less god but we know that. Then there is the face, the lines are not good; from the nose to the mouth oh dear, the eyes, the forehead.Despite being over 12 st I do look thin, well in black anyway.
I do not pass, I know that.
You can revise, do the prctise exam but its only when yousit down, take your watch off to see the time and, possibly open the mints, then you do it for real. You then get the you havr x minutes.  Its now real. So you do the makeup, the clothes, pack the bag but its when the door closes behind you and you step out then it all gets real. Then possibly even not then.
So there it is. Should I stay inside because I do not pass, no I say or else I would not have posited the question really. That is not to say I should not do my best but for me not others.
Last November I walked along Sefton Park the perimeter stones in leggings, the stripy top, flat shoes and carrying a Goretex cagoule. I never felt closer to some ideal or imagined Audrey Heburn avator or ideal at that moment.