Shephards prayer

Lets revisit yesterday. Tried to trigger camera by laptop today, 30 minutes later stopped with no success.  It  has worked but not on this laptop.  Basically thats the problem.  If, and when, I buy another laptop it should be fast enough to do camming and trigger the camera.  Also should be able to surf the web and run photoshop easily.  The question is where do you stop, at what point do you say stop?  In a very real way this is a horrible question.  There have been several times in Sapphire's evolution where wanted to say stop but went for it.  Several doors have been stared at and handles turned and bang you are falling out of the C130 and thinking how to do this and there it is; the outside world, the taxi waiting, the levels Brighton.   Only by being determined have progressed.  Some things you have to stop sometime.  Sadly the hormones are one such example.  Probably will revisit them, sooner rather than later I suspect, but there comes a point where it is uneconomical to continue.

Looking at the photostream on Ippertnity and deleting ones they consider "inappropiate".  Stuff going back to 2008 or 9. Paige dates from 11/08/07 pics say 1 year later.  Thats the first Flickr stream though such pics are on HDD somewhere.  Jodie (1) must have been february 2008.  That feels right.  First walk sept 2008 with Transister 2009. Anyway the early pics were quite good even if technically unsophisticated.  The point is that there is a back story of 4-5 years.  Would not have got that if said stop.

Not best practise

Its 11.34 at night, I am alone and its been abit of a fiasco really. Plans to make the most of it and do some pics and a vid.  Took forever to find clothes and still couldnot find collar. Stomping around in 6 in heels a bit of  Pin.  Have wierd strap kept coming undone. Put the digital compact up and its too dark to do a vid.  Possibly could have used Flipcam but did not occur to me.  Did some pics.  The external flash is not syncronising with the camera right,  Used Sony flash in the end. Had to use the 10 sec timer on camera.  Seemed to go OK.  Tried for bit of camming.  No joy. Finally set it all up and the allow website to control camera etc popup box would not work.  Stopped at that.  Then checked pics, most of them out of focus.  The preflash AF flash had disabled as it was triggering the preflash and focusing on me tripping the flash.  Need to use laptop to trip camera.  Need to sort out lighting for vids.  Need to sort out room. Basically got very little for my troubles. Not exactly a wasted night but not good.  The new heels not sure about.

In Crowd

On tuesday it was my support group.  Decided against going, not totally sure why.  Usually do actually get something from it if I do go.  I was the first person to go when it was advertised.  Not strictly true as a drunk scottish girl also went but never returned.  She took flowers, which I thought was a nice touch and said I would fufill my potential.  Probably said that a lot.  Over time more girls came.  Some dropped awaywhich happens.  Once a really lovely girl came and I was really attracted to her.  looking back it was an unusual experience.  Sadly I was wearing the denin skirt which was too small and I showed TOO much leg. Today we are a very diverse group but not sure where I or the group are going.  Last time a person looking for the "fight library closure" accidently came in.  Not quite sure what they thought of it all.  Part of the problem is that I never look at my best.  Give me 30 minutes and I put contact lenses and makeup on and the effect is, well, lets say better.  Not even getting the chance to shave rather spoils the effect. 
Have a real affection for the group as it has been good for me but not recently.   It enabled me to get counseling which was probably valuable. 
Now i tend for the leggings, flat shoes and long top look.  Quick, easy and shows off my body, oh dear.  Quite a femme look really.  Really must make an effort some time, possibly when off and "blow their socks off" with full strength Sapphire.  probably never happen. Actually if I could have a chat with the group leader it may be valuable but the group session experience was never my metier. Not really sure if I contribute anything real to the group either.
Does it help, does it make the whole business better? Probably, yes.  Perhaps that is the bottom line.

looking back, loking forward.

Just looked at the blog entry for this time last year.  Full of being out every day when on holiday.  This year basically did the same for fewer days.  Yet do not have same buzz rather a slight sense of disappointment.  OK the room was bad and did not help but there were good things.  Possibly it could not live up to last year.  Its a tricky one this and not sure where I am going.   I am not prepared to say 2013 was a failure as it was out for 6 days but not the same sense.  OK moving on, next holiday what can we do better?  Actually apart from accommodation and a new bag it all pretty well worked.  New wig, better emphasis on makeup and more money and longer but thats about it really.  But not Brighton, well possibly.

Thought I had posted this but posibly have not. On holiday I walked all along the Level, the boulevard bit if that does not sound too pretentious, from corner going to Moulsecomb to the recycling bins took, at a gentle walk, say less than 3 minutes.  Certainly less than the average single.  Walked on of course and even had lunch sitting by the big church, St Peter's, once gave blood there, Aldi fruit diced I remember, not cold exactly.  Now did that walk several years ago, it was such abig thing, really really big. Bottled out going on to Sophie's to give her the nailvarnish remover(may be wrong),  even had a drink at the Kings and Queens.  Lets be positive, how many people never get that far, too many sadly but remember Transister Brighton? 2009 I think.  4 years ago.Bit of a fiasco that was but for a first go thats to be expected.  Today would handle it all differently. 

Wigout

First off.  sadly the 6 weeks without estrofem has had its effect.  Getting morning erections and the male me is making itsself felt.  Its not ideal and not sure what to say or do.  Possibly endure.
More positively bought £33 of lingerie at Ann Summers, the vintage look, pleaseanly surprised by the look.  Put the lingerie on, then decided to put makeupa nd contact lenses in.  Not a bad look in 25 minutes.  No pics sadly, may be not good things there.  However, when in kimono, heels, stockings, panties, bra and suspende belt and wig definite rumblings.
Saw woman in Newcastle about new wig briefly.  Say £100.  Not ideal but must get the hair sorted. Ideally would like shoulder length but thats a real pain to work with.  lets see how things go.

Slight improvement really

Been looking at some faux vintage lingerie and wondering if I could wear it.  This is a good sign that the exercise and diet is starting to have an effect at least on my mind.  Spent £18 on makeup brushes so would like to try them out.  Could have today as had a possible 2 hours.  Instead of which I did some essential maintenance, personnel admin,  a monster hair removsl session.  Epilated legs, arms and chest followed by shaving the survivors.  Never get all the hairs but did well.
Possible time for pics at end of month, would be nice.  Sapphire being quiet but always there.  The worrying possibility is that this is a s good as it is going to get for some time.  To date this year has been not as good as last year shall we say.  Summer 2013, the spritzer offensive, was not long enough. Spring 2013, the cold war, was, well cold.  Few pics taken, not as many opportunities to dress. Not so much money so mot so much spent on Sapphire.Need to sort out the camera.  What to say about the hormones?  Good try and gave it a good shot but there is no overall plan.  There never has been really. Advance, think, advance, think.  This is the first fall back really.  No shame in that.  Had a spray tan, that was not a lot really.  Do it again. A holiday might be possible later this year, Manchester again.   Feeling better about body so that is good.

What I am shooting for

Sometimes you sort of know something is correct but you prefer not to believe it and need a lot of evidence,  So deep down I know I do not pass, am too tall, and the face is too long and wrinkled but still cling on to the belief of my female self image as young.  This may not be entirely stupid as I am still quite thin with good legs. However my face is old.  Recently took some pics and had to say OK perhaps I might not be 21.  Started a diet and just under 12 st. Tried on chinese dress originally bought 2 years ago ay Covent garden.  OK bit tight but possible.  The thights are larger, the waist slightly larger and the lower leg enlarged.  All of the above is to be expected as the Pilates has been replaced by the gym work and the whey powder. 
Like a rangefinder focussing device it is necessary to get the internal and external image to some sort of approximate sameness.  Granted you need self delusion or your would never getup but a certain reality helps.  Need to sort out the wig and the makeup.  The diet is a pain and the exercise pretty sporadic to be fair.  The running is regular but really need to get back to the pilates.  Things are not too bad but a little tweaking and effort mow will help a lot.

Teething Troubles

Well had a proper photosession and it was a mess.  First off the laptop died so couldnot use the remote control via laptop.  Then it turns out that the preshot flash was focussing to close so got lots of pics out of focus.  Battle finding clothes and the final problem was the usual looking too old.  Do need to up my game regarding the makeup. Not sure how but must try.  The legs look muscly too and the stomach not thin enough.  Not good enough.  Thena again any dressing helps but do need to stop getting a tanline on my neck.  The diet hs started but itys not good enough, early days.  If I could have a whole day think could really do something worthwhile.
If could only sort out foundation that would be good.  Lets be positive.  Its not game over by any means.  Can resolve the remote problem that should help with the focus issue.

Seeing less of me

Back 2 weeks now, where are we?  Moments keep flicking into memory about the holiday.  So thats good.  Had an opportunity to dress yesterday.  Not sure how long and did not last long.  Still the weight is an issue but the diet is not going so well.  Hit the gym today, actually went well, weight 76.5 kg, oh dear.  Usually 75 so not too bad.  The pilates is the way to go but tired of that.  Going to try for a holiday before december. May be the possibility at the end of september of some dressing which would be good.  Be nice to really give the camera a run through.  Could think about the catsuit again.  Its sort of OK. Which is code for its not good really.
Just realised I have never really dieted. Granted I have cut down and over a stone was lost but it took a lot of time and was never the really hard grind women need to do it appears.  Now so do I. Weight too much and do not like my look, especially the stomach and love handles!  How long will that take to lose.  Stop drinking will help!