Decenber 31st 2014, 23.59 and counting

It is 23.29 om 31st of december 2014. I am wearing tights, laddered, 5 inch heels, the pink Aldi dress, the red wig, pearls, the new breast forms and a new bra, 34, D cup bought from M and S Durham. I have had a slightly disappointing M and S meal and a bottle of Cave, less disappointing. I am fighting the urge to go round the block. Just been out to put bottles into recycle bin.
Its 01:05 now.  Changed back into leggings, flats, stripy top and put microlabrets in. Heroe's for the working week. We have cover support wome, in their 20's, not especially attractive, wear the fleece and flat shoes usually, say black trousers, though they do sometimes wear inappropiately short skirts. They stay whatever the kids throw at them, take no nonsense.  I see these women as potentialnurses or those who would stay calm after the bombs fell and would be sorting out casualties, moving rubble and hard as nails. In a real way that is what I aspire to. In my old school I think when doing O levels was in an empty classroom with a couple of  students.  One girl, I swear she was wearing a trench coat and had a bag of cottonnlike some military surplus, offered me a drink from a 350 ml bottle which I refused and then offered me a cigarette. No way could I have smoked it there but even so.
Not sure what 2015 has in store, how could I, but have taken dress and heels off and ready to face it and do my best.

Then and Now

Lets consider the above pic.  The exif data says 2009, 07/08/2009, 13 30 ish. It was in a folder saying 2010. There is no belly button piercing so it is before that, say 2011.  The shoes are from the place in the Green Market, no longer there, the lingeriie set is from Asda Boldon and the necklace an odd metal construction from Doreens which oxidised very quickly.  The bangles may have been Dewhirsts at a guess. The wig is the bSob so it is after the long hair wigs. I started in 2007. 2008 was The Boudoir, so 2009 would be credible. Lots of dieting and pilates. The makeup was probably still kryolan but even so the face looks good. So it was 5 years ago.  An important 5 years to be fair, testesterone dropped, estrofem doing its stuff. I would have been 46, wow. If things had kicked off at even 40, or 35,  who knows how different things might have been.The me there did have good knees and back, close up vision, a half decent bladder and no IBS or arthritis in finger joints. The job was containable and there was a general sense of optimism.  Then again I would hav ebeen out very few times, possibly had a MAC makeover or not but certainly very limited experience outdressed.
The challenge and task now is how to manage change. There is still a lot to play for and in 2 years the pic shows a very significant amount of progress.  As 2015 approaches it is time to say how do I progress, if progress is what I actually want.

Bits and Bobs

If all goes well tomorrow I should have all day alone. This will allow for the taking of pics.  At least a "christmas card" hopefully some with the bondage equipment and some others still to be decided.  Yesterday I epilated my legs and arms, painful but successful but could have dressed but chose not to, odd but increasingly happening. Be good to get some pics of the new breast forms and make a final decision regarding whether it is too big.
Still reasonably optimistic about New Years Eve but not totally certain anymore sadly. The new Alison pics have started to post, going down well. Must remember to send an email to Heather, surprised how much miss the group. 
My weight is just under 12 st probably.  After Xmas will have to try to get down to at least 11 st 7 if not below. Bit bitty this post, hopefully next one will be more coherent.

Towards a new paradigm

Last night had the chance to dress.Interested in new breastforms see how they were. Well burgandy knitted top, leggings, mens panties and white tropical boot socks, not as bad as sounds.  Wig, CK1. Well it all worked very well, had a few real moments.  Yes the breastforms are probably too big but the larger silicon back works well.  Not too bad or large. The point is that I dressed as I wanted to but not makeup and it worked.  At least in my mind.  This chimes in with the the last post, I want to be  me, dressed femme but not totally.  My face did look old it has to be said but it was a long day.Possibly I do not need to transition but be ME more often.  Which may be quite a good thing ultimately.
There is a long underbust corset I would rather like, OK really badly want. £50 to you which is not a bad price really.  However I would probably not use it much and it is somewhat duplicated. There it is.  Going to be short of money so should really wait. Need to be careful with money. £50 would get 2 piercings be a good start for size 4 breastforms.

Mental Versus Financial Health

Sorted out Brighton Spring 2015.  Februarya, 3 days OK 2 full, monday and tuesday. So whats the plan? Well there will be, hopefully, 2 runs, coffee at Taylor street and , possibly, Red Roaster, a general wander, might finally actually do the Pavilion, the traditional walk from Hove. even the Ghost Walk. It will be necessary to maintain the Tgirl equilibrium.
To be sordid lets talk money. Room £160, train tickets £70 and the tube as well. We shall ignore all the other expenses as thats all for fun. Of course the cost of not going is far higher to my mental health so thats OK.
This brings me on to a bigger question.  From a purely monetary point of view its been quite expensive. Lets say 10 visits to dressing services at £250, all included, then 2 trips to Doreens at £300 a shot. Lacies must have had £400, other clothing well £400 but that is a very conservative estimate. We could add in the camera equipment; £700 for cameras, £150 for flash, say £50 for rest. All these figures are very conservative because really they pale into insignificance to the cost to my mental health if I did not do these things.
The breast forms are slightly too big but do like them, for £65 its not an issue.
Did a stupid test and got the following result;

You are Transfeminine! Assigned a male sexual identity at birth, you now identify as a female at the core. Like a Transmasculine, you may not always conform 100% as a female or continue to do so all the time, but you do prefer to represent yourself physically and behaviorally as a female due to the internal connection you feel to your feminine side. In relation to other genders, you're just being yourself; and a person has to be able to express their gender identity through the way they see fit. For you this may be through fashion trends, interests and a more feminine thought process. Regardless, no one can or should tell you the "right" way to be a female!

Granted did not get the chance to see the other answers but as with the discredited COGNITA test there is a sense of not transitioning but going a bit further and presenting as female more often. That has a lot of resonance for me must say. Currently wearing leggings, bra, breastforms, top wig. Getting definite twinges of things

One Step Back

Got to the end of a wheel of estrofem and stopped.  Three days so far. Not sure why. The IBS has been bad and not happy with the arthritis. Still got 2 wheels so  can restart if the situation changes. Sadly the libido did not go down much but the sense of worry and paranoria did.
Should really have started on sorting out next februaries holday. Oddlt no real hurry to do so.  Could go for few days in London even or Manchester make it April not february.  Have not had a proper dressing session since the pics several weeks ago.  Could do with one.  There is the possibility that New Years Eve may have to be scrubbed but that remains to be seen.  Need to do the Xmas 2014 card. Could recycle the outfit but would like to get a new one.
Potentially Xmas could be a lot of dressing but equally could be a damp squib. 
Not really coming together.  Do like the thought of London dressed. Saying hello to the Blue whale. Lots of stuff there. be good to use the new breast forms, in the field. In several past years managed a Le Senza day where bought new lingerie and tried it on over the Xmas period.  Would get the assistant to package it up as a gift wrap. Now do not need such subtrifuge but Le Senza gone. Possible M and S but the diet well its not happening and not too ahppy with the body. Also the voice, keep thinking need to do something about the voice but it never happens.
There is a sense that this is as good as it is going to get. This also begs the question, what more do I actually want? Well more would be nice.Do miss the support group, not massively but even so.

Some good news

Well the new breast forms have arrived, and very nice they are too. Arguably a size 6 makes me a D if not DD which is probably too much but we shall see about that one later.  They are much fuller and developed than the older breastforms, some silly cheap price from Doreens, so feel positive about them.  They come in left and right which is nice too.
The "shoot" last sunday was an absolute mess; could not find intervalomemeter, it just failed to gel.. Some nice pics so all is not lost. The big issue is that have no nice clothes or wig to display so no new pics really.

Another short one

Well a week in and where are we?  Actually not bad, confidence is a lot higher. It may have bee expensive but it was well worth it. Next weekend hope to be able to be alone all weekend. There should be pics but what of, there is nothing new to really wear.  Not especially happy recycling old looks. The sheer body has gone down well on Flickr. Starting to think about doing Durham dressed sometime. Probably have to change somewhere. Early days but something to ponder about. Possibly in the car.

Took ages to write this post

Sunday morning now. Unpacked rucksack and went for a run last night. There is a small pile of clothes etc to be sorted out, a small bag of clothes, male and female, to be washed. There is the cost of the thing to sort out. However lets have another think about things. Really must get insoles for flat shoes, do feel it. Also not entirely happy walking so fast about the place, especially Liverpool. Do need to get a new outfit though the current one is fine. The walking around bit gets me down a bit too. Must get good maps, not be afraid to get out glasses with contact lenses and find out where I am. Also refreshing makeup, really need to start doing that brushing hair more often. The voice, well nothing new there. Specific issues now. Shame did not make the Palm House, is not to be. Did not make Canal Street either, wednesday or saturday apparently are the nights to go.
The big problem seemed to be navigation. Lets take that out of the mix then. Bury and Manchester thursday out all day, public transport, no issues. Will do dressing service in other post. 
Liverpool was allways seem as a big target, now suspect that was a mistake as it went well and again , no problems. Lots of public transport, just left to it.
So probably awake once or twice during the night.  Then finally at 5.55am.  May or may not get over again. Up at 7.30am.  Bath, yay.  Close shave, opps careful. Breakfast down by 8 8.15. Say back in room by 8.50. Put on makeup say 30 mins, clothes and general stuff means that 10.00am is the usual off time.  Thats not ideal but it does work and thats the main thing. actually eating breakfast in a wig is a bit of a battle. Say get back by 8.45 pm. Remove contact lenses, makeup, run bath with bathbomb. 1 or 2 cans of M and S G and T extra dry, 2 units. Moisturise and eat meal with another 2 cans. Hopefully writeup journal. Music probably DAB radio Absolute 80's or Absolute Classic Rock going to Classic FM during the night. It seems to work.  No really bad hangover, do not feel tired the next day. During the summer there tended to be a back at 5 pm remove makeup, bit of a sleep and up at 7 pm for a couple of hours, possibly having food outside; KFC or MacDonalds, 3 bottles of beer back in room, possibly a white wine spritzer in a bar. Going back even earlier bottle of white wine lots of Walkmab music, The Monkees comes to mind.
Premier Inn or equivalent seems to work.  For Summer 2015, gosh already, will try for U of S.
Gone slightly off topic but worth hearing. Bizarrely walking on the stones remains of the railings at Sefton Park, Goretex off, with flats seems to be the big initial take home event. That and the Phiharmonic Pub.

Back Home Again

First  quick pass on the holiday.  Well 2 days dressed. Dressing service. Actually did Liverpool dressed.  Say 1 hour each way by train, no issues. I am going to say it all went well. Did not make the Palm house, for the second time it was booked, super. Still The Philharmonic was a bonus.  On one level feel a lot better about things.  Ok did not pass at all but left alone, that will do.  Got "sired" but politely, can live with that.  Then again got a "Marm" too. Tired now, lots of nonsense about getting home blighted things. Lets keep positive.

Manchester so much to answer for

I have just about finished packing for Manchester, needed 100 L pack, not full but more full than would have liked, and I had to ditch the boots.  So be it suppose. Thursday will be the dressing service, planning on going there dressed but of a challenge but why not?  Friday is still up in the air Ideally Canal street on the evening but shall see, printed out a route to get there. Need to ideally buy a pair of holdups, should not be a game stopper, trying to dial down my expectations for it all.  Be good to see how good I can look now.  Still eating too much, the hormones have made the nipples more prominent. Actually that is a bit worrying.
Two big black bags of clothes in car. Will need to clear room before leaving tomorrow. There is a lot od stuff swirling around so a result would be good.  In a sense just being away might be enough.  Couple of days away, few baths, change of scenery. Mind you its costing enough but sometimes you need somthing to look forward to.

Finally doing it

Not posted much this month, not quite sure why. Anyway finally did some new pics.  Forgot how much of a battle it was. Put up background, setup tripods, flash, camera get it allready.  Makeup takes at least half an hour, contact lenses, finding clothes, shoes. Anyway after all that,to the pics themselves.  Again to get a good pic is a challenge.  Once anything half decent was good enough, not now.
Big concern about being too fat.  Well probably just OK on that front, perhaps best to cut down and exercise more but just about OK.  No big wow moment sadly but feel better for doing it. 
Tidied up bedroom for the off on wednesday. Still stuff to hide but getting there. Getting the new MAC powder helps. Really need thursday to go well, friday too would be good.

Sort of a MOT

In late october I shall be going to a dressing service. This is the first time since 2012. Been spending some time and £30 getting some clothes which may be appropiate for one of the sets. The problem is I am fatter, not too badly granted and I look older. One of the aims of the session is to see how good I can go. Donot feel ready to stop doing that sort of pic but even so there is a sense that am on borrowed time.
A slight possibility has been sort of bubbling up recently.  Several girls have mentioned getting too old for it and hanging up their heels.  I do not feel that way, possibly as still want to do more as I came late to the party and feel there is still a bit of mileage in me yet. The problem is the face is looking older. The second point is that transition was always seen as a possiblity even if a remote possibility but the though of being an old woman and transition loses a lot of its charm. Possibily we have reached almost some stable state, dress more, get out more but not transition, as its too late in the day for me. Not saying that there is not a fair bit to go but that transition may not be part of it.  just a thought and not for definite. Needs much more work and might be wrong.

Breaking my duck

It is 23.10 on a sturday night.  I have finally managed to dress.  Its OK.  No makeup and taking it easy.  Just taken wig off.  Ah, thats better. No big feelings in stomach or brain but sense of normality.  next saturday will go for some pics probably. As ever, a lot is working.  Still spending too much time thinking about Manchester.  Bladder being a bit naughty too.  The thought of doing Liverpool dressed is rather fun.  Hit the Palm House, DSLR in bag.  After all there is a LGBT event at the old post office there.
Feel better have finally dressed though chosing not to was my decision.  Not sure why. As ever from the front look not too bad but from the side the ribs are too large.  This post is not really coming so will stop here. Hopefully better tomorrow.

Reality Being Moderated.

Had the chance to dress tonight, went sort of for it. No make up or pics expected.  It was interesting and after half an hour took off kitten heeled shoes, later wig and top and breast forms. Still wearing leggings. There seems to be 3 stages in dressing.  Stage w 1 occurs immediately after putting the clothes etc on and is a wow not looking bad at all. This soon is replaced by the second satge; bitter realisation.  This is well the lower abdomen looks wrong, the ribcage is too big the hands are too large. Then we reach the third final stage. This is best described as "sod them" or an acceptance of things as they are.  So you then go for it. There does seem to be a sense that Ok there are significant issues but doing it just the same.  There it is. No longer believe I pass but do believe I have a right to get on with things. Once might have believed I pass but no longer. Then again do believe I do not look too bad in the scheme of things.
Hopefully tomorrow I will actually do some pics, probably not many.  Eyes and nose off due to cold. Well thats my excuse.
Restarted the estrofem, 2 mg per day.  Will pick up 4 wheels on saturday. Yes I know, lets see how this one goes.

Bit of a roundup

Very, very briefly dressed today, nothing too exciting.  Wig felt very off so realised it needed a wash. Only when finished realised it was the old wig so then washed the other bob wig in a strawberry blonde colout.  It had a smell which I finally realised was the pseudo french tobacco I boughtat Burkitts.  Also would have washed out South Downs Way soil, salt from the sea and who knows what else. Summer 2014 was a success but hardly pushed the boundries, thats not necessarily a problem but its the third year dressed rather a lot on holiday.  The walk on the South Downs Way was new, did not do a dressing service or Sweet wednesday or curiously hit the piers and was rarely on the beach shingle.Did not put an advert into TVChix or meet Stella.  Did not do the move dressed either.  Pride passed me by basically, missed TransPride. I can be negative as there were so many positives. perhaps thats it really, there were so few new things; shopping in Sainsburys or Morrisions, using female toilets, being on a bus, drinking in coffee shops, been there done that.  It all worked to be fair.  OK first thoughts about summer 2015, gosh, well better shoes with some padding, spend more time on checking makeup and wig, consider another look apart from leggings and top. DO GO TRANS PRIDE weekend. Clare Project probably a good idea, hair spray possibly. Sussex University ideally but take wire for a long aerial, if do get an empty flat do own cooking, though the university refrectory worked well.
Just had a brief flick through Moleskine regarding 2014 holiday. Nothing really leapt out.
The wig sits on a rolled up towel to my left foot, hopefully it will be OK. Manchester end of next month but only2 days, though Alison very likely.  Ideally do Liverpool dressed. 

Not a spy

Two pics both from a vitamin company so clearly loaded meanings there. The first shows 3 generations of women in suspiciously clean casual clothing in leaves, probably the leaves mean something to have fun in rather than time passing. Second image shows a woman dressed in loose clothes, say capri trousers and loose top, to her right is a thermos flask the setting is some outdoor garden, lets say an allotment.  The woman, is smiling, sitting and in late 30's say. Its for St John wort so a woman feeling good after tilling the soil about to have a cup of tea , battling inner demons possibly but still looking good and OK.She is alone but happy.
Sapphire has had little interaction with genetic woman, on the whole it has been good. In male mode I interact with a greater number of women at work. Not a big deal of difference with men but seems to be slightly easier. Here it comes.  If I transitioned and passed would i gravitate towards women and would it be easy and work? The answer is the spectrum, I want to present as female and happy to transition but probably never happening. Curiously losing the male bits would not be an issue but living as a female but unsuccessfully would. So, say, the lottery win would be easy but transitiing and still doing my job would be too hard. I have no back story, no children, no husband no P.E. lessons, thats fine, I do not want that. Basically what I want to do is what I do now but as a female. I do not have female aspirations.  Probably more feminine sensibilities than the average male but how much further?  Taken 3 gins and 1 can of 4.8 % lager to get that. 4 gins.

Vulcan Dinosaur Roar

Just had a thought drop into my brain.  Used to like on a sunday have some white wine, several cheeses, usually small ones prewrapped,  crackers and get quietly slightly drunk.  Stopped when calories became the big enemy. Probably could consider it again. Be a nice reward for doing over 10 mile run.
Used to be very interested in parasite/host studies. Now the problem is it is probably wrong to consider male me a host and female  me a parasite equally wrong to see male me as a negative thing. Again the yin yang tatto comes into play.  I  have male and female aspects bith of which need nourishing. If I was to transition, yes please, there would still be male me bits.

The Hind Brain

Found on the web some "Electric Blue" uploads.  Lets say late eighties, early ninetees. certainly before pubic areas were being waxed but still being shaved to small sizes.  The thing which stands out is how tame they are.  No penetration or sex toys, very rarely 2 girls but they do not go for it. This was homegrown porn, surprisingly harmless and would be classed as soft today. No doubt a lot of people paid surprising amounts for videos of this stuff. Remember a 2 page advert for 8 mm film of reels of smut the titles and synopsis suggested depravity of epic proportions.  Imagine the battle to show this.  need a proper projector, screen too though wall would do , the sound of the projector, all in all was it really worth it? Probably yes as it was theonly way to see such material.  I still have a pile of magazines from the ninetees in the loft.  My original stash, bound in supermarket plastic bags was binned in a bin at the Civic Centre when I went to university. Probably just been sorting out grant or something. 
When started off the Paige Project it was not for sexual reasons.  It was not for to get dressed up and get an orgasm. Would get  a "cold water sensation" when dressed. That would probably just be bustier, panties, stockings, miniskirt. Probably not makeup, but would be wig, but wrong wig. No heels.  Later there was a sexual element but me as a woman. I was not told about this on the websites.   There are sexual websites and other websites which seem to ignore this factet. I totally appreciate this decision but would have liked advance warning. Ideally i would probably like to have been a model for Electric Blue but suspect they did different versions for different markets. Sandy the model was in Club Internationa when I got it delivered ina grey plastic bag through the post which the dog would bite sometimes.  Still going today say 20 years later.
Ordered 4 wheels of estrofem. £40 to you. Probably take 3-4 weeks to arrive. Lets transition but slowly.

Bit Bitty Really

Welltheres been a lot of attempting to do growth things to my breasts this week. Short of taking hormones again. Which could well come.  Every time I have backed away from going further and worried about the knockon effects of the estrofem. Small breasts A cup would do, probably would only be small anyway but genetically big breasts are in the family.  So will have to let this one run a bit.
Been looking in the mirror. If I do not shave the stubble is white, the hair is going white/grey too so do look old.  Shave and remove sideburns then it looks better. Still a definite sense that age is creeping up on me. The weight is at 11 st 10-12 lb. Seems to be a fixture sadly, still looking OK. Finally been able to get an intervalometer for camera so pics should be better. There is a worrying possibility the chances to take pics could decrease or possibily increase.
Made provisional appointment for dressing appointment. OK dialing down the expectations but did not do anything last summer.  Last dressing appointment was March 2013, lets ignore the February 2014 experience. Be good to catch up and see the new place.  Granted there are issues; no longer expect extras, do look older its £200, gulp. However it has to be done. The guy in L/pool showed promise but probably not. Going to need something to look forward to. Would like to get some new breast forms and a new wig. Will have to see what washing does.  Lots of South Downs in it!
No big OMG holiday moment but definately some changes.

No dress rehearsal

A memory has just bubbled up to the surface.  Its sunday, I am in a hurry, I am on a bus, stripy top, bug eyed sunglasses.  Its very hot and I need to get to Palmeria Mansions by 11.00 am. It does not happen, there is bladder urgency, sadly. However the point is as happened a lot of the time, if not all the time, I am a Tgirl doing something, not dressing and going out as to be out but out to do something. I just happen to be dressed.  There it is, never once did I feel tired of dressing, perhaps of tired feet or the time it took or the wig itching but never being dressed. There is still the issue of time taken to put makeup on but I felt an awful lot worked on holiday.

Quicker Pics

A bit of good news; found an intervalometer for the A58.  There is also an app which will do the job too.  Sadly the intervalometer will come from China so take some time but thats probably OK.  Need to sort out the flash and background and will be in with a batter chance of things.  It used to be just plonk down the flash, setup the tripod, add the intervalometer and off you go.  Say 10-15 mins. Need to staple the parachute nylon together and that will help.  Then again there is the issue of what to take pics of, not really bought any new stuff for some while.  The last photosession was a right mess.  Usually the more organic, go with it flow seems to work. 
The weight is an issue too.  Not so much for the pics but for me.  Then there is the voice.  This is the big one. Been saying for 2 years must sort it out yet have not. Regret not doing laser when had the chance but thought my ski would not respond well. Wrong sadly.  May make more enquiries about it.  Still some dark hairs there.
Hope to do Manchester in November, not quaranteed but do need to get away.

Exponantial Growth and development

Found a small external HDD and it had pics which could be credibly dated as being 07,08, 09, 10. Now it is accepted that 11/08/07 is the date first went to Lacies. Went back few days later and bought toolong and possibly wrong colour wig. I looked at the heels by the arch but did not buy then then, mistake, big mistake.  It would be the trip to dorens before bought heels, not sure about date of that. Jodie was february 2008.  Anyway found a few pics dated 2010 with the pinstripe corset from Honour in Waterloo london. 2010?  Stayed at LSE in the funny room. Had a big fried breakfast at Barbrellas, Ian Allen shop.  Took ages to find.  Went back next year bought latex. Yes that sounds right.  The point is by 2009 if not 2008 was producing surprisingly good pics.  Still looked reasonably young, thin, good legs.  Used A200 and flash, probably mostly wireless shutter release.  It all produced a surprisingly good pic. 
Sapphire is now 7 years old, crickey.  The first few years provided rapid growth, though could have been outside in Brighton quicker. Done all the easy stuff, only the hard stuff left.

Stick or twist?

There is a motivational poster which goes on about "inches" meaning you have to fight for every inch and they add up.  Its Al Pacino in some ice hockey game.  It had a fad about 5 years ago when we had a temporary head who was not very good for us but was for his bank account no doubt.  The T girl experience is all like that.  Snatching chances to dress, buy clothes, go out.  Sometimes, however, it is better to say "nope, too tired, stop now."  Of course the trick is to know when to keep going and when to stop.  So today, rock solid chance to dress, all day, pics possible vid. Given a whole day I slow down and take it easy. Sadly it was a complete mess.  Utter , absolute mess.  Could not find breast forms, how, could not find heels, how, battle finding stockings, the straps on the corset would not close with the stockings on.  It all adds up.  The 10 second delay does lead to a leack of sponteanty, a certain rictus smile develops on the pics.  It took 20 mins to put up the background, the camera had trouble focussing.  One Tdressing service will only do upto 2 hour sessions saying you look tired and sweat and cannot give your best. So it was. The pics, out of 250 plus will only get say 5-10 ones to post.  Half way through felt like stopping but kept going, feeling something good could happen. It did not, but it has in the past.
So what can be taken away from today to prevent a future bad experience?  Well an awful lot of Sapphire is in black bags, ideally get stuff ready before hand, that would help.  The red lipstick does not work, stop trying to get it to work, now dear.  The a58 is a dog, once could slap down the flash, add an intervalometer and off. Granted focussing was a dog.  Now need a laptop to control the camera. To an extent the bar has been raised. Once a lot of the pics today could have been acceptable, no longer.  The makeup went on well, the slanted brush for the eyeliner was particularly effective.  The body still looks not too bad.  Not sure when next time will be.  Must be great to have your own place, perhaps a separate room for clothes and an area for pics.
Having said that have moved on. The indoor pics have a certain "been there, done that" sense to them.  Did not see that one coming, lets see.

California Dreaming

Last weeks news on the jobs front rather distracted from thoughts over the Summer 2014. Had a dressing dream last night which was interesting.  Off the estrofem for 2 days, lets see what happens. On sunday should get a good long chance to dress and do pics, possibly a vid.  Now a problem appears, there are few new things to wear. Possibly the nightdresses from Liverpool, and some other things forgotten about but nothing which really screams "wear me."  Not strictly true, the Axford new corset would be nice but suspect still need to lose a bit of weight for that.  The pink pseudocorset possibly and the purple one, hmm something definitely there, boots possibly. Even so need more things.  There is the still over riding question of where to store stuff.
La Senza has gone into administration for the second time, which is a shame. Ann Summers with a bit of class and style I always thought. 
Still periously close to 12 st.  The 2 sessions of pilates has helped a bit but eating like a horse, not good. Will do the MetroCentre and Newcastle on saturday, not a lot of maoney to spend but will try to find something. Ideally shave the legs too.
Be good to do some pics, even dress will be good. Looked at some earlier pics with kryolan seemed to hide the imperfections shall we say better.

Moments from Brighton 2014

Its sunday night now, I am in the extension, its raining, have had 2 glasses of white wine, big ones,  and a small bottle of beer.  Back over 24 hours so lets have an initial think about it all.  The old build had a sign saying you forget 70% of a lesson within 24 hours so lets try to get it down and preserve it for the cold winter months. Away from thursday to saturady, dressed thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday, wednesday and friday. Wow. Granted did not go to Sussex University dressed but did later that day. Brighton Pride can be safely ignored, did not try for Clare Project.
The Emporium with its Flat whites really worked,  Taylor st with its Anzac biscuit as well, Red Roaster with a caffetaire of monsoon malabar. The small place in Hove. Lots of walking around which was a pain. Legends 2 or 3 times, relative sucess there.  The Swan Falmer, absolute success, G and T please.  The Signalman, twice, only once dressed.  Not the big bang. But again nice.  Cider in Lansdown in lewes.  MAC was OK, nice woman in the queue.  The Wick, again nice enough, G and T.
Sainsburys, Aldi, The Coop, nothing there, still got the nice chill feeling on my legs.
Old dear in St Barthelomews, " well thats a myth".
Mochas and flapjacks at SU English cafe.
Three cans of mixed drinks from M and S.  Salads and pork pies from Morrisons.
Walking up and down St James' s street.
Chatting briefly to guy in Southover hardens.
The evenings seem to work but nothing really stands out so far.
Always searching for something in the bag.  Shopped in Waitrose, Hove and Lewes.
Big Finish "its£1". It says £5 on the back.
Out of 7 days of full dressing.  Going back to room for a shower and nap at 4ish.
Curious spent 5 days at Brighton University but cannot remember so much about them.
The big one is the walk en femme.  From curious planes, taking bikini pics, walking wearing the sports bra,  the heat, getting into Southease church, absolute result.
The last night run around the campus and to Stanmer. Looking into what was probably my room 1982-83. The run from room to end of undercliffe walk.the run from room to Blind Veterans, overtaking the guy going by over cliffe route.
The Punktured bellybutton.

Well that was summer 2014

It is friday night. Tomorrow i strap on the 100 litre rucksack and go back home.  Interestingly I feel surprisingly calm and content, why? Not sure, the bugout has been very easy so far, not sure why but thats a good thing.  Tonight after doing Brighton for yhe last time this holiday, stripy top, long length legggings, came back and ran to Stanmer park, to the church and then around the campus.  4 plus miles. Was vagualy en femme at the time, running with silicones not something I will repeat. Had shower etc and then had over heated. Dry fish and chips and an Americano, £6.50 to you guv.  Oh dear. Working my way through a bottle of brut sparkling wine.  Just aquick one this but feel good about things Trans as it all pretty well worked.  True no intimacy or even talking to another trans person, not really sure how to change that .  Ok clare Project possibly but this needs work.  The ideal situation is that a fix say 3 times a year is enough. There is a sense that the walk en femme crystallised out something. Also being an older woman, moving away from the ideal of a pretty girl to a older woman, still not my actual age but even so. Still processing a lot of stuff so lets see what comes out in a couple of weeks.  Have to say there is a different vibe to Sussex University rather than Brighton University. If SU do rooms next summer then will consider it more seriously.

Recoverd fragment 1

Well here we are.  One full day of  En femme.  Well not quite.   The main thing is the time taken to get ready for the off.  At leAst half an hour.  So today I returned and after a sleep at 6.45 pm if I had wanted to go out it would take time.  Well at least so long I did not want to do it. The point there is that if I was to go fulltime or even trAnsitin would that be expected all the time.  Possibly with experience could get the time down. So the question becomes would I want that? So the idea of transitioning is rather fun but probably  would require a lot oc change.  Wearing a wig is a battle, will try different wig tomorrow.  Also doing it in Brighton is a much more benign envitonment so any slipups will be forgiven.

View from a hill

An awful lot went wrong today, not in  a massive scale but could have done without it. However at 7.30 this evening I was sitting on a w all at the level, dressed, and having a not very successful rollup.    I had walked through Brighton Pride 2014, £5 wasted on one level butt hen again well worth seeing and perhaps I stood up to be counted in some way.  Young folk were playing with balls, getting drunk and generally being happy, there were dogs enjoying themselves, ample flesh was on display and girls dressed in a way I wish I could. In the distance was the spirw of the church which added a nice atmosphere to things.  I did get a sense of contentment and almost happiness, lets say peace. Which I had not had for quite some time.  Lets say 6 years ago I sat on the levels but not quite same wall and counted down the time to go back to my room and get ready for Transister.  That me would have been very pleasently surprised at what I have already done this week.  Walking back went  the hill a bit more, it was early evening, still warm, slightly fuzzy air, certainly felt very good.  Took a coupleof selfies , looked wrinkled around the eyes, older.  Not good but expected really.  Do so wish could have made the TransPride last week.
Lets go back further several years but still at University of Brighton accomodation, lets call it. Thought experiment.  If the same time travelling me could prevent the earlier me going to Lacies would the trans stuff have laid dormant?  Lets say it did would I have been happier? Actually the answer could be yes but confused.  So today out dressed felt slightly tired and bored BUT these are normal reactions to being in a normal condition.  There it is.  If I could sort out the shoes and the time taken to do makeup and the wig issue then , yes , Inwould go full time, if not try for transitionong.

9 hours to go.

It is 11.12 pm and it is all but done.  Been a battle but not too bad. Decided against the boots and not decided about cagoule yet.  Two bags of girl to one of boy.  I am very tired of the whole business, you have 100 litres go for it.  Pre Sapphire I could do it all in a other arms rucksack, say 60 litres.  Only 1 pair of heels and a pair of flats.  Shall see about the clothing, would prefer more but the bugout hlf way through is a pain which complicates matters.  Its a lot of work and still worried about the money aspect of it all.  Not overly concerned about Pride, need to do some research on that one.  Its a right mess really.  The time has come for the packing to stop, rest and move on to the next phase.  After all nobody ever died because of something trivial they didnot pack.  OK they probably did but you get my drift.

Near the off

Tonight started to tidy the room of all things "girly."  On wednesday night will complete the carnage and put any remaining items in black bin bags and into the car.  Would have been better if last year thought of using bin bags, ah well it went OK. Last year we had the big clear out where 3 charity bags of clothes and shoes went to "Help for Here's"  the women were all taking away and so hardly noticed me or my do it yourself trans bags.  Have not missed anything which went down so seem to angle it right.
Will need to get some sandals, happy with cropped leggings but we shall see.  Almost excited now, getting ready to the thought of it all.  Not happy about the University of Brighton or Sussex University being so far away, say 30 mins.  Did it for Moulsecoombe standing by that bus stop but that was a different me.  What to do on the evenings?  Will do the walk then so that will help. Sussex like Lancaster and no doubt others s in the middle of nowhere, for the first year you are in campus and givig it your all.  I waited several weeks before going into Brighton, thne again, in typical fashion, I had lived in Hove for 2 weeks.  Still not sure whether this was a good or a bad thing. 
Not really sure what would constitute a success.  The bar has been raised quite high.  Ultimately Legends was a failure as it was to loud and expensive, the breakfast was nice though.  Hopefully both accommodations will have a decent bathroom and a long mirror. I suppose to be back by 8 p.m. with food and drink will be sufficient.  U of B claims a WiFi which might well help. No way am I going back into the laundry there!  S.U. may have a canteen can use, OK be surprised if it has not in the evening.
Be going from Sunderland direct so save that horrible over the yne bridge bit and changing trains.

Too much of me

Had the chance to dress tonight, but no makeup or pics, and went for it.  Currently I am nearly 12 st and any amount of special pleading regarding density of muscle will not help.  The additional, lets say half stone, does show.  Not perhaps massively but not as svelte as used to be and some "lovehandles," not good.  Been so hungry and eating a lot.  Argueably the upper thighs are quite bad too.  Who would have though eating like a horse would put weight on?  In 1 week I willbe in Brighton and had hoped to look better.  The running outfit works OK, the bits are hidden but still not sure about the wig, even with baseball cap.  However that is something.  There is no big plan or aim for Summer 2014, odd really.  There will be 7 days free, excluding 1 for moving and 1 for the walk.  Really like the idea of doing a walk, perhaps the walk dressed, a run dressed and, more nebulously, a swim suit pic somewhere.  The idea of some pics in the countryside would be nice too.  For the past 2 years I have mildly been concerned what state of mind I would be in on the train back if there was a very successful summer holiday.  
How to get a successful summer holiday is the big question to which I have no answer. Next year will rememebr about Trans Pride Brighton.  Will try for Sparkle too.  Trans Pride burns a bit but nothing could be done about it really.

Still in the race

Finally did the LGBT 5K run last night.  25 mins since you asked.  The "goody bag" included condoms and lube.  Had hoped to see ex counsellor and say Hi here I am running, its all good.  To be honest not totally sold on the idea of counselling but it did help.  Is it all good?  Was in a pub today, group of women, say late 30's 40's, had life experiences.  Did |I want to be in that group?  Run yesterday certainly wanted to be a lycra lovely.  Say lottery win, transitioned and it all went well.  Voice lessions, result, good voice.  OK currently fully male, not doing too well on that front either.  The answer is the word "spectrum."  Lets say I could wear the clothes, take the hormones and I suspect that would do me. Lets lose the nasty male but not totally.   This might be a project for retirement, too late of course.  the 2 mg of estrofem is not really working but does make me anxious and worry.

From InsideTo Outside

Had a "motivational speaker" in for the last 2 days and had to do the A/V or some of it.  Some of what he said, and he had been badly scarred as a young teenager, had resonance for me.The first comment was about stance, that you had to walk and look confident or you will be bullied, the "limping gazelle" as I have called it.  The second part was about blinkers that sometimes you have to ignore bad comments even if they are said out aloud. There was some interesting stuff about the face you think you have as opposed to the face you do have especially just after the accident.  In a sense he could say a lot of his talk to a group of Trans people quite easily.  Confidence and belief.  He also quoted someone saying that they forget over time the physical pain but not the way words or actions made them feel emotionally. Mental pain I suppose.
I certainly felt the benefit of hearing it and almost opened up to him about how rellevant it was to Trans folk but the moment never happened.  Probably not a bad thing really.

Will run and run

Did a run today, lots of other people there as well, certainly over 2,000.  Lots of lycre'd lovies, good legs and lots of flesh.  Self selecting group as the lard buckets would not run anyway and were probably not hitting the 8-9 minute miles.  Gosh that sounded nasty but true. The age distrubition group was interesting too.  Get past 35 and not too many.  Sadly the men looked quite bad too.  Lots of bald heads, tattoos, and small squat men.  Lots of body hair.  Actually the women had tattoos too.  Spent a coiple of minutes behind Tigger on a womens shoulder blade, the lower neck is quite popular too.  The men favour tribal tatoos, looking old now and football teams.  Love the scrunched up hair look, even a french plait.  Sadly saw my reflection in a glass window.  The legs look wrong somehow and though thin the frame does not say femme.  Granted this is in male mode but its not ideal.  
Would so love to be one of those blondes with the ponytail, cute bum, brown skin.  Had to help a few days ago with High Definition cameras and so saw myself oh dear.  The chin, the wrinkles its all a mess.  Suspect this is a normal reaction.  The lizard tattoo seems to be on hold for the moment, probably for the best really.  Men see to age badly but start at an earlier age. 

Bit of planning for the off

Lidl had some tops and cropped leggings on sale.  Bought 3, 2 medium and a very optomistic small.  Small leggings should be OK.  The corset appears to have dried quickly and safely.  I am eating like a horse so the diet is not doing very well.  Two weeks till holidays and little bit more till go, go go.  So need it to be a success.  Do not what else to say. In november hope to do Manchester and Alison. However this is the big one. It willnot be enough of course but have to do ones best.  The voice have not really started on.
Went to the support group, only girl there.  Wore the red wig its very soft and easy, but left an impression all the way across my forehead. Have to be careful of that.  Last night just me, had bath and shaved a lot of me.  Need to sort out waxing and tan, haircut too.  put "would like to meet" in TVChix,  Need to buy walking leggings too.  Like to do at least 1 walk en femme. Not so certain about a run. 

Tales of compression

When briefly dressing a few days ago found the overbust Axfords corset. Slight smell of mould.  Oh dear.  Mould on the black material.  Was toying with getting it drycleaned but checked the Internet which said hand washing done properly was OK. Currently its on the windowsill in a towel and hopefully should dry and be as good as new.  It has been in a few of my most popular pics and would be sad to lose it.
Today in Newcastle went into Katmandu, pseudogoth shop, "We do not do piercings" said a sign or 2 on the door.  It takes itself a bit too seriously as goth shops have a habit of doing but basically looked for another corset in the sales rack.  Result.  Blue vinyl over bust, the stays feel plastic so not really a proper corset but decided for £24 to have a punt on it.  Tried it on briefly.  Lots of lacing up required but looks OK.  Paid a lot more for less so cannot complain.  Will see when actually get chance to take some pics or even wear it for real.  The pink one has not been photographed yet so could be a corset tastic time.
Got number and details for 5 K run.  Meant to do for last 2 years, will now but have moved on.  Still got to show solidarity.  friday night which is a pain but even so should be good. May even see ex counsellor which would be good. 
Three weeks to Brighton 2014.  Worried about money, as ever.  Need to get waxed, hair cut and spray tanned.  Also hopefully lose some weight or at least tone up a bit. Sandals would be nice, perhaps another pair of capri pants.  Even running ones, be good to do run in en femme. 
Support group tomorrow, will try to go. What to wear?  Would like to show a little leg, that always seems to perk up. On sunday wore compression leggings and shorts.  No longer think I look very femme, the upper half lets me down, I look tired , body hunched forward.  Did get quietly whistled but may have been ironically.  Even so perked me up a bit.

Not getting any easier!

Just had a dressing session, no makeup, no pics.  It was so hard mentally.  Really psychologically difficult, not sure why, it certainly was very affecting.  Too fat, really need to lose 1/2 a stone if possible.  Fretted about size of hands, big rib cage and muscle showing but the new wig was a real result.  Its really a big psychological thong to do, but is increasingly important too.  Must tidy up now, shoes all over the place, the Axford's corset, the over bust one, needs dry cleaning, that will be a battle.
There might be the possibility of  a saturday or sunday soon.  That would be wonderful.   Been posting XHamster pics on Flickr, just for friends and family, good response but must stop it really.  Good fun though!

Picture Perfect

In 1984  I remember wearing a tshirt pulling it tight and thinking with as sense of shock, I look like a girl, as I had a feminine figure.  Oh dear.  Another thing I had started doing was shaving my pubic hair. Also some simple anal play. 
On two occasions I took pics of myself naked, with an erection.  Fortunately I had a decent SLR and a flash unit, also access to a darkroom so it was not too difficult for me, though I still wonder where a couple of the frames went!   Though Amateur Photographer advertised people happy to develop and print such pics, for a price, it must have been a bit ofa battle for the "Readers Wives " pics.  Then there was the stigma about it.  Remember a documentary about Page 3 models and one saying they would take a quick peek at the pic in the paper and close it quickly.  Even today some poor sad girl commited suicide over being in a pornographic video. Today the technology is much easier and the "selfie" is all over the place, thought the term does not refer to pornographic pics. ly enjoying Looking at some pics, pornographic, of slightly older women, saw that slightly rictus smile, that uneasy pose, that sense of not really enjoying it and doing it for their partner.  Which is a bit sad and not really a pic you want to see.  By contrast the younger girls do seem to be enjoying the idea and happy with it, the body language looks much more happier.  The Tgirls pics typically fall into the latter catergory, we want to be seen, to be seen as sexual objects and enjoy it. Almost in a sense, pics of the Me209 bursting into flames as seen through the gun cameras, I was there I did that, a sense of achievement.  Which is is when you think about it.

Alternative Tales

Twice now I have Facebook'ed a suggestion for a song to Absolute 80's and on one occassion heard it but the announcer Matthew Rudd said it was someone else who asked for it.  Well, I suggested PhD- I Won't Let You Down Again.  Heard it played and even got name checked, "delighted to play it" he said.  1982.  Possibly some people heard Paige's name and had an image of a girl in a pub, blonde perm, Lady Di flat shoes, too much red lipstick, getting a bright coloured jacket and jeans. Probably a CND badge, one of those army inspired side bags in a cotton weave.  Even a rolled up cigarette, bright lipstick. Its mid week and out after a day at University. Of course I would be happy with a ska inspired black and white top, short black skirt, black tights and white stilletoes.  Big dangly earrings, bobbed hair, arguably dyed black and a plastic hairband.  In a Brighton pub, of course, with mates; both male and female, doing a degree at Sussex. Tall and thin, Gina McKee accent, well sort of, still Wearside.  Doing maths or Physics, bit shy but determined.  Long, thin fingers. Jogging in Stanmer park.  Up on a saturday, jog, shower, out with girlfriends shopping, looking in shops.
Of course Paige is a new name which would be unlikely then.  Its rather nice that there might be a past Paige, in an alternative universe, who just was there.  There you have it.  If things had gone right I suppose I would have been an OK male or female but either way the alternative me would not have known anything different.   If transition happened how long would it take before it "just was" and the other issues of existing kicked in? 
Did a photosession last sunday.  Later, looking at the pics, there was one of me in white holdups which just looked natural and right. Sapphire has been very much rattling about in side me this week, almost painfully so.  Lets not be under any illusion, the estrofem made me much happier and Paige was much more quieter paraodoxically. It is increasingly likely will be going back on them.  It really is quite bad sometimes.
Had a thought this week, possibly when running, have the Post Paige years made me happier?  Decided the answer is a "yes."  In 1995 was on a station, not Widnes but outside Liverpool, there was a poster about counselling, knew there was a lot wrong with me mentally and thought about counselling.  OK there is the Aspergers, possibly, but would the GID have come out then?  If it had where would it have led?  Alternatvely, lets say I met alt me and we got on, what would that have led to?

You have to now what you want before you..

There are online sites such as second life where you design an avator and interact with fellow avators.  I spend a lot of time on line, being Sapphire but do not interact, and it has become apparent that this is my second life.  Sadly I want it as my first life but probably not the blisters on feet, ding makeup bit which all too often gets forgotten.  In Summer 2014 will get to do it for real.
I have a belief that if you want to do something badly enough you will sacrifice whatever it takes and do what is required.  If you do not then basically you did not want it enough.  Too smplistic I accept but how often do we hide behind excuses to not do things?
So I want to be slim but am eating too much and have love handles.  I have a lovely Axford corset while I "muffin top" in.  I want to lose weight, know how to and have done it in the past but now it seems to elude me. The word is dissonance. 
Curiously I am able to do a lot of running and take the grief so it is not totally couch potato mode. Another post describing a situation but with no remedy or course of action.

Hair Raising

Had chance to dress on friday but apart from nightie and kimono did not.   Th On saturday bought a new wig, more soon, wanted to see how it looked.  Skirt, top, panties, bra, silicones, heels, easy. Not really as really affected me quite badly.  Friday night looking at porn, surely not, got a very hard erection.  Disturbing, wanted it to go away really strongly, never had that before, quite a shock, surprise.  The wig was £20, in the burgandy colour I have ordered from China, probably same wig, nice bob good level on forehead, if the left side manages to curl correctly could have a new best wig.  Could well be good for Brighton. Went into Wig Cabin in Newcastle, no joy but woman remembered me, which was nice. 
After run had a bath tonight, right nipple piercing lost. Tried to use a taper to open it up with no joy at all.  Going to have to let it heal and think.  Possibly might be OK to do in Brighton but only 7 weeks. It would be the third time and might be best to call it a day. 
The estrofem is really out of my body, its not good at all. Paige is very bouncy and the erections I could do without.  The new razor shaves very close which is nice but getting razor burn. Sould be OK for Brighton though.  Do keep wondering about laser on remaining stubble, might still do some good. 
Will need to get back done and St Tropez tan for Brighton.  Possibly also the remaining scrotal ladder and the ladybird tidied up.  Thinking about lizard tatto but ideally at Skin Candy, Brighton.

Probably the best a girl can get

Managed to make the support group last night.  In many ways it is like a snug in a pub; we talk about cars, planes, tell jokes and watch youtube it can be quite a pleasant evening if it were in a pub.  The point is we are all dressed en femme but it is not a female atmosphere.  I did have a hope it would be full of cosmetic tips, fashion advice and other such vital information. This was probably an error on my part for now I suspect support groups are a group of people, a person with some training and ability to access further support, if required.  None of our small group seem to be in distress or uncomfortable about being trans either, which is good. It is a good question as to what I get from the group, or contribute, but it seems to help.
Summer 2014 is going to be a compromise again.  Last year was supposed to be the gold standard but,its fair to say now, was badly let down by the accommodation.  Do need a good nights sleep, in a real sense the rest is secondary, warm, shower, place to put makeupon, ideally a full length mirror.  Sitting in legends bar, drinking white wine spritzers and being ignored, Ok but not paying that much money for.  So, hopefully, it will be U of Brighton thursday to tuesday, pack and Sussex University tuesday till saturday.  Chance to do some good runs; the Brighton rottingdean path springs to mind and Stanmer park. 
A total stonker success accommodation would probably be Premier Inn but that would be too expensive.

Back in the saddle

Got the chance to dress today, not too often at the moment, and had decided against taking pics.  Put on makeup, tried Kryolan plastic putty for eyebrows, not a success but see how it could be.  Took it off and used Kryolan stick for foundation.  When first started this was used a lot, only later switched to liquid The TV stick is said to be good for photos or TV, hence the name and it has a high coverage. In the real world it looks too obviously made up and is a pain to remove.  Having said that did get the feeling that some of the older pics I looked younger could be partly down to the use of kryolan stick. 
Get the feeling a couple of times, not shaking but certainly something.  Have not had the cold water instomach for some time, say a few years.

Been off the hormones, not a large dose anyway for over a week.  Morning erections are back, orgasms different, stronger and erections more solid.  Its not good but could be worse.  Possibly urine smells different.  waiting for hair to be more greasy again.  It is probably fair to say that the estrofem kept the girl in check to an extent. 

The am of doing a run en femme meant getting female running equipment and then possibly doing the walk en femme has consolided this.  The foreign woman I saw in York cathedral has become a role model possibly for me. Needs a bit of work but could be the way to go.

A Place by the sea

Tin hats on people, talk about summer 2014. Bought ticket down for £15 for tuesday.  Well after a phonecall which probably blew out location 1 for tuesday to thursday, went on line to get tickets forthursday.  The eastcoast website was v v v v v v v very slow so tried the Grand Central.  £70 got a ticket down and back, back first class.  The first class may be slightly watered down but cheaper than East Coast. There is also that advantage that the train goes from Sunderland direct to Kings Cross so no changing at Newcastle.  Also no horrible on the way back putting the pack on at the sight of the houses before the bridge and spending x minutes waiting at the bridge staring at the Tyne.  Hate that bit.  Yet always have had to do it, if only as a novelty will not have to do it this time.
The where to stay is still a battle.  Thursday till saturday morning so 9 evenings, 8 days, say 7 as got walk but possible plan over that  Possibly even 6 days if people come down.  Six Sapphire days, its not enough but what to do in those 6 days?  There is Pride which could be interesting, could be very good or a bit of a squib.
Just reread some entries from 2012, the sense of wanting to meet others is very strong but how? 

Here we go again

For the third time I have to stop the estrofem.  The IBS and the overactive bladder dictate it.  IBS can be caused by hormones so will stop for a couple of weeks and see if there is any improvement.  Then there is the eating, been eating so much, The hope is it will help with at least 1 of these. Only at 1 tablet of 2mg per day so it should not kick in so much.  They may be due to other issues possibly in which case will return to the estrofem.  Its not good really.
The eating may be the result of the running, the overactive bladder, if anything, should be ameliarated by the estrofem and the IBS may be due to the so called "fat busters" with the chillis.
The nipples are larger and more sensitive, there is some growth of breast tissue.  Lets see how long it takes for the erections to return, the hair to become greasy and what happens to the girl inside.

Walk Like an Eqyptian

Did a proper open to all run yesterday, 10 K round the town and the coast.  55 .04 minutes since you asked.  Quite a few young girls with running shorts or other wise tight garments.  Saw very few long legings mostly shorts. Kept wishing I was them with their hair scrunchied back .  Used to think I looked a bit girly when in male mode running.  sadly a few weeks ago caught sight of myself in a window reflection and the shoulers and torso are too big, the back too haunched and something else which just said male. The legs somehow looked slightly wrong too even though they are long and shaven. Bit of a disapointment.  There you have it really.  You do your best but its not good enough. Also wondered about doing work on voice, as ever this fails to happen. Its not enough being thinnish, putting on a wig and makeup, lets ignore lips for a moment, and hoping for the best.
What more can you do? Well putting aside SRS and hormones thats your lot really.
Gosh that was negative,came out of 2 gins and some white wine.  Again  its the do you want to be an old woman or an old man? OK the answer is I want to be happy and identiying as female in some way helps in this. Ah ha, a result there.

postings pics to Flickr etc and basking in the comments do not do it anymore.  Which is a bad place to be to be honest as it could well be the only place available to me.

Its OK but not good

I have just eaten 3 fingers of Aldi chocolate with hazel nut and a bag of crisps, earlier I had 3 Aldi chocolate swirls.  The point is I am eating more especially chocolate.  Not just after a drink either, its a concern.  getting wobbly bits again and the belt has gone down a notch.  So I am nudging 12 st again.  The new corset, lovely as it is, shows a slight muffin top.  The recent lingerie pics are OK but not up to the standard I can do when I an 11 st 4 or 7.  Cannot really explain it.  Possibly the running, or the Estrofem but its a battle and saying enough is enough and going to diet mode is going to be hard.  To be honest 12 st is not bad for me but not really good enough.

Thinking about summer holidays.  Brighton I suppose but its not a done deal.  Hate the idea of going back to university accommodation but its very cheap and handy. 

EndEx

Its friday night now. Started taking pics at 2.30 and stopped at about 5.00 pm  MoreXHamster in content some of them.  No video but can live with that.  Suspect the flash is slowly giving up.  Cannot complain really, its lasted well. Well had high hopes of these 2 days and reasonably happy with the results.Should have enough pics to last a couple of months with luck.  There's something else which I cannot totally define yet.  A sense that have touched  a bit of Paige within me.  Possibly even brought it to the surface.  Will have to think about this but was certainly interested in seeing what came out of these 2 days.  The word pottering came to mind in so far that it was not so hectic as the 4 photosessions in 3 days but hopefully better quality.
Partly its having to find stuff, put it back again, tidy up afterwards which takes the time.  When actually doing the pics can get it nailed in 12 pics or say 36.  If sort out timer and or flash even less.  There is a deeper question about the value of pics but it seems important at the moment.
As ever, its something which can only be investigated by doing and that limits it sadly.   Still do not rerally understand the actual retitence to dress but it is emotionally draining. 
Looked in the mirror and it looked and felt right, hmm.  Still  not too happy wearing a wig.  Just had a flash back wearing the first big hair wig, sitting on the carpet running hands through hair to attempt to get rid of friction fuzz, an issue with longer hair wigs.
Its been busy and quite traumatic but successful.  Feel closer to answering some questions, as ever no idea where going in the future.

Well, finally got in front of the camera

Well aother here we are post! A full day to myself.  Will get same again tomorrow.  Last night leggings, kitten heels and forgotten top started to feel quite "comfortable" about it all.  Early night and not too much drink so OK this morning.  You know where this is going and it did.  Shaved myself.  Took for ever to setup the "set," camera and laptop.  Had lunch and only put on makeup at 1.30pm.  By 2.30 started in earnest.  Actually it went well I suppose.  The laptop is faster and managed to get say 4 of 6 potentially useable. Of those should have 10 pics without scraping the barrel.
Decided that the reason for not wanting to dress is that it is so traumatic to the psyche.  May even be true. Want to dress, get chance to dress without chance of detection and yet its a real battle.  Possibly also as the pics show how far from the ideal I am.  They show age and some signs of fatness.I am 11 st say 10 lb. Took some pics of clothes from 3 years ago, not looking bad but even so.  The face is older.  Then again body looking not bad. 
Lets see how tomorrow goes.  Be good to do some more pics.

The old question

Managed to dress today, makeup as well.  Only some pics from compact see below

At the time stopped too early and makeup a bit rushed.  Looking back at them there is a sign of aging, not sure what is happening with the nose either! Had the shaking again but thats expected now.  Suppose it scratched the itch but hoping for better later in the week. Keep coming back to the question of how should dress and age.  A good body, thin anyway but old face is that enough?

Earth from space

Just come across this pic taken in the mirror of Transister on the first real night out. 2009. It looks OK really, shoes from Lacies, still reasonably sober at this point.

All in all its not a bad look and one I would do again.  There are also pics of my hand with something indecriphable on and a couple of street furniture. Even now if I went again if it were on, there would be the issue about what to do when in there.  Hopefully could put up a message on Angels or Chix.
Actually was at Tranny party the night before, bit of a test run for the look.  Remember no males there, vague memory of going twice on that holiday.

Looking back, looking forward

Lets start with a couple of pics;

 

 Both taken when on holiday.  Both with the Lumix DC8, I think. Just put them through photoshop and quite pleased with them.  The top was at Brighton and the bottom LSE, just wish I was smiling.  The point is you have unlimited time and cannot be interupted.  Then again you have limited resources.  Now I have not really dressed and taken pics for several weeks.  To do so now requires a quite advanced setup with a flash, netbook, tripod etc.  The bar has been raised so what would be acceptable a couple of years ago is not now.  Also the estrofem has reduced the desire to dress, well up to a point.  Now really want to do outside pics with other people, that would be nice.  

Had a marathon defrostation session today, bathbomb, 3 razor blades and conditioner.  As ever, missed bits but feel better, more femme.  Really do need to do a photosession, next thursday week seems to far away.  Support group on tuesday, probably will go. 

Holiday 2014

Was in the "FatFace" shop today, not dressed, looking for scarf which took pic of at Xmas.  No joy but did well over Laura bag so no big deal.  Not sure what the thing with scarfs is anyway! FatFace seems to be the new Boden but slightly down market. I suppose that is my outdoor look, older but still trying and  not given up. Not dressed for 3 weeks, not too bad but be good to do it soon.  For a couple of days took 2 2 mg tablets, well we shall see. 
The eye brow glue stuff was sent recorded deliver need to go to middle of nowhere to get it.   Not ideal.  There may be a very slight breast growth and the eating more may  be related.  In 2 weeks get the 2 days to dress etc, be good to top up the batteries. Sadly Tbirds wrong week and no other events available. Really do not want to go back to University of Brighton but well cheap and cheerful. Ideally not do Brighton but where else? done it for 14 years for the last 6 for Sapphire.  Ten days away at a cheap price, lets gloss over the Legends not fiasco but well too noisy, too small rooms.  Like to do Manchester, swing down to Liverpool then Brighton possibly.  That has resonance it has to be said.
Got some 3 mm BCR's today £6 at shot , surgical steel.  The guy goes " do you want to see them?"  and I said yes.  Anyway, looking back there was a sense of being very professional about it al, not some kid being bigger than they were.  Need to get scrotum repierced x 3 and the 2 in the naval.  The last one may be suitable for Punktured,yes that feels right.Aaagh, that says Brighton again. 

Got to beat the clock

Ordered some eyebrow wax and stencils today.  The ideal is to get them shaped which I did once which was fab but a bit of a risk.  Anyway hopefully can help the face.  here it comes.  What did strike me is that things have changed.  I am now left with a sense of the clcok ticking and fighting against time.  The face looks old and creased, without a lot of money this is not getting any better.  So what I do is in the knowledge that this is not going to get better.  When I started there was a different overarching idea one that said must get better and better and that how I look is to a large degree up to me. Now there is a sense of things crumbling.  lets get this in perspective, there should be some mileage in the face yet but its not like I am in my 20's or 30's with a long time to go before i start to decay. 
The body can be altered by exercise and diet and I am not worried by that, arrogant as that may appear.
Took an extra estrofem this morning  May go up to 4 mg per day. Take me to the "need to do make a decision" time a bit earlier.
In 2 weeks time should get 2 days to myself.  More planning is required.  Hope the weather is warmer. Have not had a photosession for some time, be nice.  I suppose it is not impossible that some pics may yet appear in TLI but not very optomistic now.
Possibly see about laser but again suspect the boat has already sailed on that one. 

The Fourth Picture

How much do I care?  How badly do I want to be a woman?  Ignoring for the moment the spectrum of transgender question the point is how badly do I want to change and what would I sacrifice?  looking at Flickr tonight and it almost seemed as if it were a hobby which I can take or leave, nonsense of course.  Then there are the hormones, is 2 mg just a trivial dose or will it hot the spot?  Does they keep me on an even keel able to function and damp down Sapphire while turning me into her?  Good one that!  I do not know.  
In 3 weeks should get a couple of days dressing time. We already know the answer, put me in a Premier Inn and I am out of the door dressed, wet feet, gonads shrinking, oblivious to the public.  I care that much.  What am I waiting for?  Have I reached equilibrium, there is some scary stuff about people stopping transition at 18 months of RLE. 
Its an odd blog this, lots of questions, few answers or amusing anecdotes of things I have done.  I am 50, nearly 51 bad time to transition but sense of time if not running out the best of times being in short supply.  

Already increasing sense of having wasted too much time, the thought could have had laser even 3 years ago is irratiting. 

Cold Turkey?

After tonight I will have only 2 days supply of 2 mg estrofem left.  More is expected soon so its not a big deal.  May get the chance to see the effect of a few days without estrofem.  This leads to the question what effect does it actually have?  Well the first thing I notice is that my hair feels dryer as less grease is produced, the libido drops to the floor and the need to dress drops too.  Nipples get more sensitive but actual breast growth is limited.  Last time at 2 x 2mg per day did get a jiggle sensation but not a great deal else.  Orgasms are less intense and erections fewer and less hard.  This is all good stuff, I also get more emotional. There is some less good stuff about the liver but I have not had baselines taken and so not sure where going with that one.
Going for a run, had Walkman on when a male in his, late 20's ran past.  Noticed a smell, possibly body spray, brown legs and big shoes.  The point is I felt I do not look like that when running, tall, yes, but thin.  At the time wearing leggings and fluorescent top so very different, also gloves.  The point is though I would love to be thought of as female, but do not, there is not a lot of maleness there either.  In the gym lots of small, squat bald headed middle aged men but tall thin males are uncommon.  I am happy to wear shorts which is not common either. Estrofem is supposed to decrease muscle mass, well we shall see. Eating like a horse and at 11 st 9 lb.  Really do need to make some decisions over things. 
Hopefully in middle April get 2 days to dress and take pics. Not been too many pics recently either.

Mirror,mirror on the wall

There has not been a big meltdown moment about Brighton but its been a bit sticky.  Moving more to a sense that something has to change, nothing new there you may say.  Next out will probably be summer 2014. Might get a crafty overnighter but not certain. 

The pic above shows the usual Brighton Museum pic.  Laurabag and rear gunner bear, Goretex, Sarah Lund sweater. Not completely sure about leggings, jeggings would have been better.  Boots would have helped but even so.  The German Army Boots are still there along with Sarun 5's outfit.  The big issue was the voice but that is a big one it has to be said.  Basically I feel everything else worked.  The time taken to put makeup on is an issue and the wig is still not perfect but there we go.  Would like to do a walk en femme or at least the church at Southease.

 I have a downloaded image of a woman walking away from the camera, waterproofs, hair and boots to an extent that is what I aspire to.

1 wheel on my wagon

Had a bit of a minor shock.  Down to last wheel of estrofem tried to order some more from usual supplier, they were out of stock! Other, untried, suppliers were significantly more expensive. Luckily it was back in stock tonight and put in new order.  This was partly my fault and I should have been quicker off the mark but it does raise the old question as to what the hormones are for? There used to be the aim of getting breasts and feminising me and I went up to 2 x 2mg per day.  Now I am 1 x 2mg per day and see it as a way of keeping happier.  So losing libido and erections not a problem and glad can do it on a small dose.  Suppose really its a slow way of getting to the point where big questions need to be asked. Really given my frame breasts would not be large but would be more man boobs which would still take some time to grow.  2 x 2mg gave me much worrying thoughts and as the new year shows false concerns, or at least hoping so.  Much more emotional.

Its not s good, its not so bad

Lets start negative then get positive.  Got the pics back frm thr expensive photoshoot.  Oh dear, dear, dear.  Terribly disappointing, look like Mr Punch, all chin and nose.  No sure what has gone wrong.  Anyway best to write that one off, not being published, no new beginning, no nothing.  Say £150 down the swannie. The first makeup session was very amateurish and well meaning but very little in it for me.   Gosh this all sounds bad and a lot if it is but we live and learn.  Not totally happy with the new underbust corset either,muffin top. 
Lets move on. An awful lot did work last week and have to appreciate that.  Worried will forget what did work and under estimate the success of it all.  For an awful lot did work, The Emporium, Morrisons. No holiday where out for 2 full days is a  fail.  Hope this tops up the trans me and I will be happy for some time.  Have image of being in Hand in Heart monday night, just left alone.  Not enough really do need to interact.
As ever the ratchet has moved forward. Summer 2014, well money issues for one thing.  University of Brighton I suppose.  Better shaving soap will help.  Going to have to do some big thinking.

Its all the same.  This pic could be from 2012.  OK it works but even so need evolution and progress.  A trench coat would help.