I just hope that something good about to happen

Sometimes you have to just record whats happening and get on with it.  Only later may something wonderful happen and you look back and can see the roots of it earlier.  Well, I have to hope something wonderful will happen for certainly things feel as if they are changing!  Had an evening and night to dress, normally this would have been the cue for beaucoup pics but not then.  Then today good solid safe 4 hours, nope no pics. OK I am falling out of love with Flickr but there is something else.  Not sure what but Paige has somehow perculated to the surface in different ways.  Cannot put a finger on it but preferf to believe its a transitional phase, how can it be?  What do I want anyway?  Does this take us to the counselling issues?  When will Paige next be out in daylight?  No answers but live in hope. The title is from Kate Bush Cloudbusting single, yes Donald Sutherland.

Doing one's best

Well its over 1 week since I was in Brighton and I still get twinges. Nobody in so ironed some of Paiges things, bad moment.  Women with leggings and flat shoes showing a bit of the foot tend to be a problem too because thats what I wore.  In the 70's and 80's there were one off plays where a person would go somewhere new, goodthings would happen and it would end happily.  Bit of wishfullment but not impossible.  So I go to Brighton, wednesday snog and chat to loopy Irishwomen, thursday OK Alison Dale, friday, Kim party but saturday.  Well, go for meal but waiter puts sandwichws on table says free as overbought, eat them go to town with gurl just met.  Legends change, meet drag artist, gg, pretty girls wearing very little at bar.  Disco OK.  Alright add MAC makeover and out dressed 2 daysthe Signalman, its all good, not for you presumably.  Other times been in nLegends , nothing, out with Stella, nothing.  Lets go with the concept of overfishing, go occasionally wonderful things happe.  Go regularly not so wonderful.  Perhaps its just some self justification but great few days.  Pic shows me in Brighton museum clothes section, handy mirror.  George the 4th;s breetches, sarum 4 PVC dress.  Paige's best effort.

In the field

Well the holiday has been and gone.  The little bit of warmth to keep me going after Christmas and the dark mornings has happened.  Did it live up to expectations, was it a success? Oh yes it was.  Lets start critical.  The drwessing service was, as ever, less than perfect.  There was no "extras" removing the makeup after 20 mins and changing out of a skirt noty sure what that was about.  Prefer to see it as a friendly thing , not needing to make the effort, eating the salad together again bonus.  The possibility of actually getting an article would be lovely but there is form there so not holding my breath.  It was all over by 4.30, train 8.34 from Victoria so the rest of that evening was a bit disapointing, just walking around Victoria, not ideal.   Had I known would have got earlier ticket. 
Then to Paige's days out.  The evening one was just to get "sealegs", the "Hi mate, do you have a lighter" moment hmm, not in any way aggressive lets call it acceptance.  Day 1 out, OK the boots looked good but were a nightmare to walk for extended periods in.  No overall plan but hit loads of targets, the MAC makeover went well, only spent £48 so result.  Great effect on the eyes. Shame Buddha closed.  Evening party, again a success, happy with that , the young gurl there was a nice bonus.  Day2, was there any plans for a day2 anyway? Again the boots, having to buy the same booties I had already was a pain but definatly necessary.  The wig was a mess, that spolit things as did the money worries but even so big success.  The evning meeting was absolutly so much better than could reasonably expected.  Fiddly ending but no matter.  Out in heels, stockings and a short skirt, lovely.  The "changed yournpanties" moment, fab.  So complete utter success beyond expectations.  Learnt things;  shoes need to be comfortable, need to sort out a proper bag, need to sort out a coat, need to be on top of game with wig.  Cup half full, happy with so much, started on voice, bit of useful makeup practise, the walk needs not be too exagarated, thwe scarf works well, loved the earrings.

To understand you must first measure

I have started in a small way some counselling.  Not sure what to expect or what outcome really want but things could not stay as they are. Again what can it really achieve.  I am hoping for some peace and answers so then know where I am and so can progress. Part of the problem is so many terms, I prefer so say I am trans as that seems a general catchall. Do not want to transition I think but suspect more than a crossdresser.  Though it is at best dubious COGNATI put me as "Androgny"  and cautioned against permament transition though a partial transformation may be beneficial.  Hmm could have a point there. Wear the clothes but do not get the bits cut off basically.  

Onwards and Upwards

Lets have a brief lookback and ask the question what did I do to progress Sapphire in 2011?  Well actually a lot!  The out in daylight in Brighton in August followed by the all day on October was a total success and in fact October at Legends was a big result.  Got a better colour wig.Increased confidence massively, met Rebecca MAC makeover, Brighton museum, all good.  Then there is W'ear out a tg/ts support group been there several times, all good.  Got ears pierced, absolut result there too, very little negative feedback over that one.  DId the Boudoir dressed, ideally would have left dressed but even so, a new step forward.  Twice to Alison Dale's.  Different style, different experience going back again.  Question about whether doing a dressing service after that see what happens in February.  Had first waxing, probably do more.Met Stellawhen at Gulllivers and Brighton poly, broadening shall we say.  Suppose the slantbar giving a closer shave was good.  The Xhamster account has afforded a bit of joy.  Still need to sort out flash and camera.  Overarching questions over Flickr.  Looking older on pics, not good.  Still thin.good.  As ever more could have been acheived but progress and nreal results.

 So for 2012?  Out a few times in Brighton in February probably.  Summer 2012, probably Brighton again but Legends hopefully.  The support group may lead somewhere.  Would like to try Sparkle.  Reasons to be optomistic.l  Lets set a goal of out in Brighton and , possibly, Newcastle would be good. Hormones keep lurking in the background, not good.  Keep up the exercise and diet. Its meant to be fun.

Christmas Present

Sapphire's Christmas 2011  was definatly a curate's egg and a bit of a flop.Only 1 day of full dressing which produced a couple of good shots but a major league tizzy!  Do not know why it does that, possibly the gurl coming out.  Managed to kill  laptop, very bad news.  Not too much lost but my fault.  Did Christmas shot which went well.  Even emailed Skin Seamstress with it.Bit of shopping in La Senza wich went into admin istration so 50% off but not a La Senza dressing day sadly.  Really need more dressing time. Bought earrings, pendent and lingerie; a very nice silk negligee.  OK cup half full.  Got eyebrows waxed, partial success would have liked more off.  Also got back waxed.   Nice but starting to grow back after 1 week.  Will consider getting front and back done in a few weeks time.  A big success was seeing in the new year dressed!  Ok missed the countdown as thought it was only 11.40, how did that happen?  But yes hit 2012 dressed and slept in aforementioned negligee so result there. Lets hope it is a good omen for 2012.

Big Ones

Buckle up people trying a big one.  Was reading some blog and there it was "I am a woman."  It said.  Could I?  Oh dear, am I in the wrong body?  Putting aside the gender binary I do not know.  OK I came late to the party, say 45 but some prewtty big hints earlier and its my big theory of everything.  There is a something and its a big something.  I can go out dressed and do need to, there has been a significant expense on it and it is a "constant Buzz" as it has been described as.  But transition, am I a woman?  I might be but probably not fulltime, though it is tempting in an ideal world.  A coiple of years ago J L said "if you had the money and a big house would you transition?"  I said no that women had a bad lot in society but it made me think.  I think if the option arose I would dress fulltime but not go for SRS.  A couple of years ago I would not get pierced ears, before that I would not have shaved my body so what for the next couple of years?  Lots of question marks.  Actually losing the male genitals would not be a big problem I suspect but probably going fulltime is about as far as I would go.  I do not think I am a woman I am not a man.  So what we have is the spectrum, not 0 or 1 but 0 to ,say, 7.  Watch this space.