Neither here or there

Well it's 2 weeks since Brighton and I am not climbing up the walls. A bit of me is slighty disappointed at that as if I have progressed so far but it's probably good news. There have been some very significant twinges and we are defiantly in a new place. I have had the opportunity to dress but did not BUT its burning in the stomach sometimes. Not really sure what to say. It may go away but it may not. It was really important to go to the support group and I do feel a need to interact socially as Paige as opposed to look glam on Flickr, though that is nice too. Found a potential source of hormones needs some honking about this one. Possibly may be able to get a cheeky few days at the end of October,wondering about Manchester? Then we have Sunderland Pride. May be something there. Tricky stuff, possibly will only know in a months time. Some interesting stuff with pierced but that's for another blog and may well fizzle out.

Re-entry

Well Brighton 2012 has been and gone.  So much anticipation and hope and money spent, lets be fair, so how was it?  While we can break the hopes of the holiday down into several subgroups basically it went very well.  Alison Dale was a bit of a curates egg still potential of something being posted on the website and the "dungeon" pics were fun but I am older so its harder for her.  Then again Alison is allways good value to meet.
Moving on to the dressing. Friday, saturday, sunday, tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday was dressed most of the time with a bit of dressing on thursday and thursday so that was successful beyond expectations.  Pizza with Stella and Kims party went well, shame party was not first friday.  Ideally would have been down during pride possibly next year.  Really pushed to put makeup on and not sure how good I am at it.  Also big lower abdomen not good, really spoils look badly.  Possibly not dressing age appropiate either.  However walk to Rottingdean, train to Lewes, MAC makeover, pasta at University of Sussex, espresso at Carlucci's, drink at The Signalman all very good results.Mary Tyler Moore moments soon replaced by something else, a sense of rightness I think.
Will be returning to this but lets go for the big one. How do I feel back home?  So far its been not too bad.  Little flareups , warm feelings in stomach all nice.  Not sure whether dissappointed or relieved I do not have massive withdrawl symptoms.  Dressed whenever possible so that suggests one thing about my level of dysphoria so possibly that is the thought to go with.  How bad do I want the level ofdysphoria to be?

Second Laser Epiphany

Had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago.  I either have late onset gender dysphoria, its allways been there but only expressing itself as dressing now, its some form of Aspergers (new idea but could be) or its something else again. OK I can definetly date dressing to my early 40's,  couple of possible sightings in early 20's but thats it.  If you go with the its allways been there theory then you could argue my social presentation has feminine elements from a very early date.  Actually this would also fit in with the Aspergers theory. Its tricky and difficult to untangle.  OK now for the good bit.  It is fair to say I am where I am today, I do need to do  it, do enjoy it and it fills a certain hole in my life.  Granted it is expensive but cannot really say there are any negatives to it.  Interestingly its had 4 years plus and is only stronger, its probably not going away.  Probably not going to transition to be honest.  So lets put the "where has it come from" theorising on hold in lieu of further information and  just go for it, just let it happen and enjoy it.  What I have done is basically removed the idea that only by knowing what it is caused by dictates how I act going forward in the future.  Its saying, cue Joe Jackson, just "go for it."  What has changed possibly is that the counselling has made me happy with what and where I am so I do not need to know the cause.  Neat solution eh!  OK it may well be revised in the light of new evidence but it has the feeling of "if it looks right it is right" to me.

Facing Reality

As a large chiunk of this blog will attest I came late to the party.  This means a boatload of things but my face over the last few years has started to show my age.  10 years ago I looked significantly younger than I was.  Now I cannot say that.  There are lines under my eyes, big lines between nose and mouth and the skin has lost elasticity.  Of course I am still thin and so if I put on weight some would go to the face and it might help.  That is not an option, I hope.  Big thing coming up belt up tightly.  Perhaps the point is that it is becoming internal, to me, that Sapphire is inside, I do not need to dress, though it helps, so possibly I may look my age but I now know who I am and that is enough.  Its not and it would be great to look young but its not going to happen anytime soon. I do not define myself as much by how I look but how I am.   Be yourself be old but me you. 

California Dreaming

In 4 weeks I shall be nearly ready for Sapphire does Brighton. 10 days of potential and possibility.  Yes, I will be on holiday and Sapphire will be out in daylight.  As ever, anticipation is better than reality but there are certain things it is fair to expect.  Definitely drinking dressed in Legends bar, at least a couple of days out as Sapphire (though hopefully several more), visit to ALison Dale's; all good stuff.  Turning to the probables; meeting Stella, evening at Kims or Kats, makeover at MAC's. Now the possiblies but less likely; meeting Rebecca, evening out dressed, clubbing as Sapphire.  Then there are the unexpected things that you hope might just happen.  Last Brighton was a prime example of this but have to put one'self in the right place first.  Hope it all goes well.  Not sure about wednesday in London, depends but possible I suppose.  Getting a bit excited now!  Part of the problem is that have moved on so far so expect more and hope for more.  Possibly even Clare Project though that is much more unlikely.  Of course it could all be a fiasco but do so hope not.

Sorry girl, you are stuck with it!

Still not sure where I am.  definately like  a litchen I have Sapphire intercalated into me which does say I do not want to transition. As if that was an option.  Anyway did a photoshoot and at the end, when the best pics happen anyway, got a couple of pics of me bit sweaty, bit tired, makeup tired and the strain of doing a shoot showing.  Its not a good pic but perhaps like some Victorian spirit pic it has captured something feminine. Ignore the lines and wrinkles there is something there.  Was in a meeting and my mannerisms were gentle, not necesseraly girly, but felt thats me, not some macho male.  of course do not have the option Sapphire is there in me, is me 24/7 to use a horrible phrase.  Not sure would have said that at the beginning of the blog!

Watch On The Rhine

Not sure where we are. Been several opportunities to dress and take pics and have not taken then.  Its as if Paige has no point to make, she is saying nope have this one I have nothing to prove anymore.. Some times I feel at square one and I will see a girl and it all flairs up and other times I post my opinion like a veteran.  Basically i feel the battles are over and its a mopping up operation.  Yes there will be casualities and it will take time but the war is won.  Can that be true?  Possibily the consueling has done its job, is it really autumn 1944, crossed the Channel, broke out of the beaches, on forward.  Perhaps we are in a sense, without being flip or denying the absolute sacrificies made by real people,  waiting for some operation market garden or, more hopefully, operation varsity waiting to cross the Rhine.  Is Paige here to stay and allways has been?  Scary stuff.  Thgought about going to Jodies rather than Alison's for an image consultant, WHAT TO WEAR WHEN OUT.  Not for Flickr or whatever but for the working week.