The camera never lies.

Sometimes you do a set of pics, they are not good, lets not go there now, but reviewing them there is a pic which resonates for reasons you do not understand.  Here is one.  I was actually probably only avoiding the flash but it has a something.. OK I have popped it through photoshop, altered the levels but its basically the same pic.  Tgirl isolation, being alone, small me in a large world, choose your own caption.  I do not see it as a sad pic it may even find its way onto Flickr possibly its important for reasons I do not know yet.  Bit of subsciouscious peeking out.

Warts and all

OK i have slightly edited the right big toe as there is blood under the nail but thats it. Its been a bit of a battle to get that pic.  Finally got time to do pics.  There is a big issue about the camera and its sharpness. the placing of the flash.  Things should be much sharper.  What is coming into focus is that the face is not a young face, the eyes, the long nose mouth lines, not good.  Also the ribcage.  My chest is too big to pass. The hands are wrong too.  Also I get into a right tizzy when dressing.  Putting the makeup on is a pain, it does not hide anything and you wonder how effective it all is.  However I am thin, good legs so it not all bad, the point being coming from a man to female.  Going purely as a female is not good at all.  Its not just a physical thing though.  Its gender not phenotype shall we say.  Its a mental thing.Seem to be moving on in things. OK not when doing the pics, there is a different dynamic there, thatsnot enjoyable, the risk of getting caught, time limited and general tizzyness.  Even Flickr is a different place today and I want different things from it.  What do I want now?  Peace and to be relaxed about sexuality.  There you go.

Reconnaissance by fire

Several possible topics here.  Could be getting a PA piercing, the hangover after 10 Paige days at Brighton but lets go with a rather more hinterland topic shall we say.  I have ordered 2 mg esterfom, spelt wrong, and lets say it arrives safely, lets say it does not trash my liver or a DVT clot wastes me.  Lets say rather it goes, as Brighton 2012 did, horribly right.  I feel better, right and happy.  What then? I like the term "diagnostic dose"   for that is what it is.  Lets ignore the wanting breasts bit.  Say I do not want to stop.  How long before physical signs become too apparent, before need to be Paige more often?  Lets be honest.  Its drive again.   Currently its OK, bit expensive, bit of unconfortable mental stuff but not too bad.  Coping.  The counselling was great for the spectrum idea but it did not really say where I am.  I am not in a happy place but I could be moving to a less happy place.  The assmption is that the final destination is a happy place.  What if it is not.  What if in getting there you do too much damage to a lot of things?  Transitioning at a school, get real.  IF, big IF, things get more serious,   would need to find new accommodation, new job at the very least.  Loads of sacrifices.  Tricky one.  No answers again.  Diagnostic dose indeed.

Going past zone 2 to zone 3?

It is 5 weeks since Brighton 2012, get the teeshirt. Coming back on the train I was worried there would be issues readjusting. Perhaps as well hoping this would be a sign that Sapphire was genuine so there would be issues.  Well first couple of weeks went well then things got a bit worse.  Its not crawling up the walls but she is in m dreams more and there are "acid flash backs."  Possibly if the support group had been on that would help but even so there is now an issue that I have shown I can do it and have done it and want to do it again.  Hormones have raised their head again.  Not a good sign. As ever what do I want?  The answer is currently to be Sapphire not on holiday, notice what I did there?, would require a massive change in circumstances.  However, how much do I want to be Sapphire bearing in mind soon I will be much less attractive.  As it is, I am not a young girl but "middle aged" so time is running out.  Hormones would be more risky, SRS more so, even if that was where I wanted to go.  Possible first mention of SRS. Could be something in that.  Transitioning at 60?  Would the NHS go for that, would I? 

Reaching Escape Velocity

Absolutely love this pic.  Taken by the toilets at Hove seafront. I had just bought this top from Marks and Spencer Brighton, tried it on in a changing room and actually spoken to the woman there. The   sunglasses kept catching the wig and pulling hair out.  However this is as good as it gets, just out walking being female.  OK you rarely see women by themselves but let it pass.  It was sunny and I was ignored I prefer to believe.  I was on holiday but it was all so easy and natural and right.  I was confident and happy and did it for real.  The bag was fab, shoes broken in and sunblock on.  Bangles would have  been nice but thats a small issue.  Paige is 5 years old, I did this briefly last summer and more so on october and this February but really did it this summer.  I used to worry that I would wake up one day and it would appear to be stupid and a phase.  Well 5 years down the line and there we are.  Lets not be negative.  Lets be positive and hopeful and cut some slack.  It all came together and worked far better than I could have hoped for.  I did it and will do it again!

Neither here or there

Well it's 2 weeks since Brighton and I am not climbing up the walls. A bit of me is slighty disappointed at that as if I have progressed so far but it's probably good news. There have been some very significant twinges and we are defiantly in a new place. I have had the opportunity to dress but did not BUT its burning in the stomach sometimes. Not really sure what to say. It may go away but it may not. It was really important to go to the support group and I do feel a need to interact socially as Paige as opposed to look glam on Flickr, though that is nice too. Found a potential source of hormones needs some honking about this one. Possibly may be able to get a cheeky few days at the end of October,wondering about Manchester? Then we have Sunderland Pride. May be something there. Tricky stuff, possibly will only know in a months time. Some interesting stuff with pierced but that's for another blog and may well fizzle out.

Re-entry

Well Brighton 2012 has been and gone.  So much anticipation and hope and money spent, lets be fair, so how was it?  While we can break the hopes of the holiday down into several subgroups basically it went very well.  Alison Dale was a bit of a curates egg still potential of something being posted on the website and the "dungeon" pics were fun but I am older so its harder for her.  Then again Alison is allways good value to meet.
Moving on to the dressing. Friday, saturday, sunday, tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday was dressed most of the time with a bit of dressing on thursday and thursday so that was successful beyond expectations.  Pizza with Stella and Kims party went well, shame party was not first friday.  Ideally would have been down during pride possibly next year.  Really pushed to put makeup on and not sure how good I am at it.  Also big lower abdomen not good, really spoils look badly.  Possibly not dressing age appropiate either.  However walk to Rottingdean, train to Lewes, MAC makeover, pasta at University of Sussex, espresso at Carlucci's, drink at The Signalman all very good results.Mary Tyler Moore moments soon replaced by something else, a sense of rightness I think.
Will be returning to this but lets go for the big one. How do I feel back home?  So far its been not too bad.  Little flareups , warm feelings in stomach all nice.  Not sure whether dissappointed or relieved I do not have massive withdrawl symptoms.  Dressed whenever possible so that suggests one thing about my level of dysphoria so possibly that is the thought to go with.  How bad do I want the level ofdysphoria to be?