Steady as she goes

Well I have been published in TLI.  Only 1 page 3 small pics, for some reason expected 2 pages. Text as I wrote.  Hope it is useful to someone and gives them courage.  OK that sounds smaltzy but it is well meant.  Looked at the pics and did look older, not good.  Still been published so thats the main thing.
Have not had much chance to dress properly; full makeup, pics etc but am still going to the support group so that is really helping.  Have not done a merry christmas pic, may have to use an old one, not ideal but better than nothing. 
Not sure how much dressing over the christmas holidays will be occuring.  Mouth watering possibility of New Years eve dressed but would like a full day. 
Had to retire PA.  Larger BCR did not work, curved barbell anchored the foreskin down.  Possibly a horseshoe BCR might have but suspect not.  Hope the fistula atrophies away, its closed up nicely already.  Can pee fine.. Miss the piercing though.  
Hormones, well not sure there.  Possible growth of breasts, v.v slight.  Two months in now, no T blocker which I feel would be more dangerous.  Do I feel better?  Ignoring the cold, tooth issues, issues with neice, difficult to say.  Arguably a little bit.  Suspect some slight mood swings may be occuring.  Early days.

Been a bitty post this one.  No big central theme.  Possibly thats how it goes.  Had a brief "am I a girl" moment but really suspect not.  Do not really think its because all the big issues have been sorted. Hoping for a good Xmas, would be good for male and female me.

Mr Benn

OK bit of a philosophical one this.What do you do when dressed?  Ignoring the hurried take loads of pics its a good time.  Move on.  When away get chance to be all day, not at work, obviously, do nice things, drink in the day, walk about, spend money be myself.  Do very little of the boring stuff of life, lets call it the fibre.  OK some boring stuff, getting caught in the rain, getting sunburn on feet and back, shopping in Sainsburys, being bored in the bus queue.  There you go, strip off the humdrum stuff then no wonder the dressed stuff is lovely, putting aside the nerves about being out there.  So Brighton 2012 very quickly became in my memories an alternative universe where nice things happened but could not happen here.  Sort of an alternative universe, or tranny portal. Did I really spend so much time dressed, was it really so easy?  Yes it was.  Could it happen in the "working week?"  Probably not.  OK the big one.  Im I a womens mind in a males body?  Ha, ha know that is a simplistic question and the answer is there is no single male or female but a spectrum so the better question is would my level of dysphoria be so great that surgical intervention will be required, or dressing as a woman full time?  Lets be honest, probably not.  So what is the hormane taking about then?  Err?

Worlds AIDS Day 2012

This is me in a train just leaving Brighton station.  I had hoped to actually participate in World AIDS day in Newcastle and indeed spent several hours making lanterns for the Newcastle demonstration.  Sadly a cold, and possibly reality, meant this did not happen. Between 1986 and 1989 I worked in the PHLS, virology, and was involved in AIDS testing.  For March 1986 and early 1987 I commuted from Brighton to London so the picture has some revellance.  I prefer to believe I made some slight difference.

Play the ball as it lies

It is really starting to get to me that my face is looking increasingly old.That I am old, that there are no pics of me dressed young.  Lets do a thought experiment.  Say it had allways been there and I knew it, so we are saying middle 1970's a young teenager what sort of life would it have been? Probably not very good, at best very frustrating but at worst, best not to think about.  OK on the plus side there was a lot of living away from home and by myself. which would have been good for Sapphire. So many problems there would have been.  No Internet, wow big one that, going out dressed, no way, no Lacies, no MAC, no Angels, no Boudoir, no DIGITAL CAMERAS.  Moving on, when would it have been "safe" to "break out?" OK lets say 2000 ish. So really only lost a few years.  Of course all of the above is nonsense, if you have to do it you do it, its not really a choice. It still burns and probably allways will.  An extra 5 -7 years, could have been some good stuff there.  In 5 years the face will look older.  Not good. The picture shows Brighton station from 1984.  I thought I remembered the mechanical board but seeing this pic confirmed it.  There may be some interesting aspects regarding memory here but suppose I had a blinding tranny transformation then how would things have been different, better, worse? 

Breath in, breathe out, nearly finished.

Lets try something new a post where I do not know where its going.  I have mentioned piercings before in this blog and I have rather a lot of them.  It strated with a navel piercing for very girly reasons then nipples, lots of good psychological stuff there.  Then a pubic one, ok actually a microdermal, 2 more microdermals. A guiche, that rejected so another one.  Then a lorum , that went fine and so the scrotal ladder.  Ending, probably, with the prince Albert piercing.  The nipples have been stretched to 5 mm. The right one rejected and so repierced.  Nearlt forgot, 2 more in navel.  Then there is the 2 lobes.  Here we go, what does this say about my body image?  The navel was girly, the lobes pure girl for ear rings and also a sign of confidence.  The nipples are interesting and probably hark back to the old dream of 2 girls sucking my nipples when I was in my early 20's.  Possibly the scrotal and PA piercings are some attempt to modify and change poaaibly in some way obliterate the usual function of these organs.  The tattoo was yin/yan of my trans status. Perhaps once you exercise, lose weight and generally attempt to modify the body and body image then you see the body in a different, more plastic way.  Mind you, I am in a perverse way, happy with my body in that it is toned and thin and not gone to seed.  That takes work and effort and diet, especially as you get older. Knees are a bit of a pain though.  What about the hormones you shout?  Well is that body modification or realignment?  If I was happy to show pierced ears how much breast development, if it happens, would I be happy with? Will there be more piercings?  Well at least one as 1 scrotal ladder rejected.  Ideally Punktured in Brighton would do it.  Sense of circle there.  Getting transitioned at the Nuffield outside Brighton, a penetration too far, at the moment.

Cowboys and Indians

The above picture shows my flat shoes lower centre at Hove museum. The pic has had levels very altered to show the cowboys, indians, space aliens, britishy soldiers therein. This is one of those "historically important" places I suppose we all have.  For reasons not totally understood I tend to come close to tears here and visit it on the last day of my holidays before going home.  I have been there twice dressed, the last time in summer 2012 where I did the big one.  Had you said 2 years before this would be possible, bus, out for several days, I would have loved to believe it but dubious.  So you can see there has been a lot of progress in 5 years.  Yet how many times have I been out dressed and how many chances have I had in the last 5 years?  Lets assume 3 holidays a year, 1 at 11 days, well its not enough but how much further will I be allowed to progress?
Lets do a quick "thought experiment"`Suppose a rich but unknown relative dies and leaves me a flat in Brighton, Embassy Court  possibly.  I have enough to live on but not regally and my job changes so I can work at home or when dressed.  How much more would I progress, would transition even be an option. Next scenario.  I get a flat to myself here or Kim goes to university and I get more time.  Well much more dressing but not going out.  Not so much progression.  So coming to the crux of the matter; how much do I want and how much am I prepared to change and/or sacrifice?  How far down the line am I? 

Noodling around.

Not quite sure where I an going with this post but lets see.  20 plus days into hormones and where are we?  Libido certainly lower, result, harder to get hard or want to.  Arguably need to pee more but that could be the weather.  Possibly, being realistic, its far too early to expect anything. 
Had a panic about breast cancer and hormones.  Seems this was not a real concern but really should get a baseline taken.  LFT's and full blood count would cost say £100 private.  Been on the web searching.  Would not do any harm cutting down on the drink either.  Ordered another 2 months supply.  The hormones seem cheap, the testing expensive.  Cilla T Bang called 2 mg of estrofem, not a lot.  The TV Chix doctor slightly disagreed.

Thinking about a PVC catsuit Xmas coming up.  Be reasonable to get some time to wear it.  Hoping for a visit to Alison's in February.  By december will know if pics and article accepted.  Gone slightly off the boil on this one.  Still if published good for me and Alison, slightly in her case.