First seen by somebody else

Was reading on the Angels website one of the more common questions asked about dressing services. I was taken back to my first visit.  It was the Boudoir.  I remember lying in bed Christmas holidays and realising that it might just be possible to do London in February.  The logistics required staying with a friend and lying about where I was going. Remember sitting in car in college car park in the dark phoning to see whether they had got the deposit. Also remember delibrately walking round the block of flats 3 times before pressing the buttons on a black tile to let me in.  At the time I suspected once you started playing with the gender divide then things couild get messy.  Suspect now actually it was a symptom rather than a cause.  Well there was the moment where the makeup is put on and you close your eyes the wig is put on and hairspray applied.  Its a coup de theatre when you are asked to open your eyes and look into the mirror in front of you.  It shows how important hair is to the whole effect.  So how as it for me? Well, I remember looking at the face from different angles going "yes, yes" in a quiet voice.  Others report a sense of coming home and walking on air for days after.  I had none of that.  Remember a sense of guilt at lying creeping in towards the end Also remember the "thats late to start."  Actually the walking round 3 times may have come from the other girl who came in at the end and not actually mine.  As ever, need to be careful about memory.  That suggests it was aflop. What I wanted, empirical as ever, was a test, a stone cold 100%  there it is is that you?  Well the result was not a strong positive but that may have been due to 45 years of conditioning to redo.  It took an awfully long time  to get over that. However I have moved on so much the phrase is now redundant. 

Forward not back

I am not totally convinced seeing years as starting and beginning rather than a linear, times arrow, isa good thing.  However, We stand here staring into the vast unchartered 2013 and wonder what it holds and what we want to achieve so it has a value.  Its not going to be a review of 2012 which has resisted a single punch line.  It would be reasonable to assume one big summer holiday and 2 smaller few days away, indeed february is already booked.  With Manchester so close possibly one more.  What else? Well the hormones, will be upping to 4 mg per day, could be interesting. The support group is nice but not certain about its future or its importance, which is not to say I want to stop but some of the people are not quite what I would choose to spend time with, snob, moi?  In a sense Sunderland is a state of statis for Sapphire with the odd set of pics and   hurried dressing.  Allright the support group as well.  Yet that is the place I am say 49 weeks a year.  Possibly in a couple of years I could have my own place, that would change things dramatically. I could be unemployed, outed, doing a RLE, none of these things are impossible albeit unlikely.  OK here's the big thing.  Is male me just a platform for female me, do I hate being a male and need to transition so badly?  Talking about the real world.     Also separating SRS from transitioning here too.  Currently the answer is NO but it may change, need a different job though which in itself suggests the answer is NO.  Be nice to do London dressed, possibly some friends in Newcastle/Sunderland could see dressed that would be good    Well into fantasy now.

Bit of a result really

It is now 01.18 on new years day.  The pic was taken yesterday, just.  Had tea, dressed at 11. 45 got changed into nighties,  socks and kimono.  Saw 2013 as a girl.  OK leta do a Mystic Meg, non attritubable hopes for Paige for 2013.  Lastyear was good; from Brighton 2012 to the councelllingto article in TLI it was good.  Away from home.  Popped out of the door for 30 secs tonight wearing above.  In darkness but even so. The support group helped.  So for 2013?  Will 2012 be enough?  It may have to be, it could be a lot worse.  Lets seewhat the hormones do.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

traditional gaelic blessing

Finally got a full dressing session in, makeup whole biz.  Sadly not spooked too early and stopped.  Lots of stuff could unpack there but lets move on.  The pic above was taken then so pay attention to it!  Starting to do a timeline of Sapphires evolution, Transister evening, first nocturnal visit, Flickr account etc. Lets look at the pics, lets see them as individual fossils in the strata laid down over time.  What is the purpose of a pic?  Several answers but lets accept the camera can lie and some pics are less "accurate" than others.  There has been the more than occassional pic of me looking old. Lets lok at the pic above.  On the plus side I appear thin, reasonably well madeup and fab legs.  Its the new wig actually, great hopes for it.  There is a PVC skirt and heels so thatgrabs the eyes.  Look at the face.  Its an old face, the 2 nose mouth creases give the game away.  Actually using Aldi foundation and powder, not ideal coverage but for a couple of hours OK.  Granted its too close to the flashso the lines are harsh.  Now if you said its an older woman is that enough? Going back to the timeline, sadly started at 44-45. So never young but doing the best with what have got.  The timeline shows evolution by jerks progress made during holidays and when away.  To be fair rapid progress but still from a base of middle 40's.  Done well all things considered. 
So how much longer can I do the young girl look for?  Perhaps I do pass but as an late 40's woman. Currently that does not feel enough but reality is creeping in.  It may be enough soon. Indeed it is already better than quite a few girls have the opportunity to do.

Bit of a rehash

When a teenager and beyond liked army surplus gear and bought a surprisingly large amount of clothing etc.  However on very few occasions did I actually go out and wear them.   I felt too self conscious.  Still have some items but do not wear them outside.  However I am happy and indeed need to wear female clothes and go out.  At 6 ft 2 in with a voice like a peacock calling for rain I do it and damm well will continue to do it. Hopefully this will be the year of the voice where I change it to, ideally, Sussanah Harker, but I may be still fooling myself about passing.  Lets take a typical scenario, I shave very closely, 10 minutes, moisturise and wait.  Get out the cosmetics.  This will take 30-40 minutes, lips are tricky. Then say 15 minutes for wig and clothes.  5 minutes for final checks.  Then out. Two outs come to mind. Say Peasmore Hall at london, going over the metal grating past reception and the swipe doors and out waiting for the taxi to Jodi's.  Then the down the stairs, through the bar and down the stairs, turn left or right and then into Kemp town.  This bit is easy and I can chat to waitresses in Legends easily.  I remember a gurl going from the reception doors through the bar and out. She had a large wig on, heels and walked as if she had a backpack with insulin in it through a storm.  I ever since slowed down and looked around me. 
OK for the Gordian knot.  Revisited.  Male me in a camoflage jacket could do it but does not need to.  Me in 4 in heels and a bum skimming dress has done it.  Do not know where it has come from but it is here to stay and has nothing to prove.  Roll on february.

Waiting for it all to begin

I have had a cold off and on for say 7 weeks, coughing up coloured mucus showing infection. Sti ll a bit off and not certain about Xmas. On the plus side I have lost some weight!  Normally for Xmas I would do some shots of me in a Santa outfit and photoshop a message.  I have not really had the opportunity to do one or, to a slight extent, the desire to do a shoot.  Would be nice to get the fridays back and even the new years eve.Been looking at my Flickr account 800 plus pics but the frequency is tailing off.  Possibly I do not need the buzz of comments as much as I used to.  Hopefully this is due to the support group and/or general maturing.  Realised pne reason why I do not look happy in the pics is because I am allways slightly worried about being caught.  february is nearly completely planned, just need the returnn ticket.  Would like to do a La Senza day even though it does not exist anymore, possibly Marks and Spencers! 

A worrying possibility is that the sense of weakness and inability to shake tyhe cold is due to the liver being trashed/ blood clot in lung due to the hormones.  Hopefully not.  Some very very slight sign of breast growth but not a lot.  Went to GP She says "you have body piercings and tattoos"  not sure what that was supposed to mean.  Perhaps should have asked her for a LFT! 
Pic shows Paige at Rottingdean, look old in the face perhaps should be using a larger size top. Saw a massive dragonfly.  Thirty years too late possibly but that way lies madness.

Steady as she goes

Well I have been published in TLI.  Only 1 page 3 small pics, for some reason expected 2 pages. Text as I wrote.  Hope it is useful to someone and gives them courage.  OK that sounds smaltzy but it is well meant.  Looked at the pics and did look older, not good.  Still been published so thats the main thing.
Have not had much chance to dress properly; full makeup, pics etc but am still going to the support group so that is really helping.  Have not done a merry christmas pic, may have to use an old one, not ideal but better than nothing. 
Not sure how much dressing over the christmas holidays will be occuring.  Mouth watering possibility of New Years eve dressed but would like a full day. 
Had to retire PA.  Larger BCR did not work, curved barbell anchored the foreskin down.  Possibly a horseshoe BCR might have but suspect not.  Hope the fistula atrophies away, its closed up nicely already.  Can pee fine.. Miss the piercing though.  
Hormones, well not sure there.  Possible growth of breasts, v.v slight.  Two months in now, no T blocker which I feel would be more dangerous.  Do I feel better?  Ignoring the cold, tooth issues, issues with neice, difficult to say.  Arguably a little bit.  Suspect some slight mood swings may be occuring.  Early days.

Been a bitty post this one.  No big central theme.  Possibly thats how it goes.  Had a brief "am I a girl" moment but really suspect not.  Do not really think its because all the big issues have been sorted. Hoping for a good Xmas, would be good for male and female me.