Just a bit of stuff which never really goes anywhere but doesnot have to.

The nipples and breasts are more sensitive again.  Suspect they may even be a bit larger.  Still no long term plan.  Still no real idea about things.  Radio program about gender, surprisingly good.  Still cannot say I am a woman but equally do feel crushed sometimes by not being able to dress.  Possibly go for a middle space of dress female but not transition. Mind you could lose the male genitals and not miss them.  The clock isn ticking though.  Need to make some move soon but there are too many variables.  Suspect this reflects my not total need to be a woman, which is fine.

Spring Brighton 2013 is feeling a bit more successful it has to be said.  St Andrews church Hove, feel cold, have a cold.  Just about to hop on a bus to Churchill Square. 

Bit of a wobble

Well that did not last long.  Friday restarted the estrofem.  Why?  Do not know.  Seemed right. Possibly the decision to stop was infulenced by the estrogen. Last sunday was sitting in Starbucks and reading worrying stuff on my phone about oesterophoresis and having downer 30 minutes but am back to popping hormones.  Stil have no overall plan and will have to see whether the downer times reoccur.  Will probably be reordering more estrofem too.  Several months away from having to make big decisions. I have no answers  and no real solutions possibly taking the evening tablet before sleep will help.
Before me I have a pair of pink female socks for training shoes.  When at Brighton last I wore grey socks with little hearts on them. They had a habit of becomong loose and riding down so needed pulling up.  Like a stone memory has rubbed off the sharp bad bits in the tide of memory.  There is not the sense of slight failure there was before.  Not a massive success but certainly moments.  The Signalman, Premier Inn, possibly Red Roaster.  Bus up Western Road.  Drag act at Legends, evening with S_____, going into Morrisons with miniskirt.  Granted there are less successful parts;  Hove Museum, Kemptown but if thats the worst you can say then a lot has gone right. Almost forgot.  Drink at the pub at corner of Trafalger street.  At corner table.  Silly me.  Used girls toilets.  Buying Ladybird books at shop with books outside.  Chocokywocky dooda. 
So then the question is; when next?  Possibly Sparkle Manchester, Pride Brighton possibly but thats July August.  Its March now.  There might be a little something in April possibly.  Hopefully Summer 2013 will happen.  Not a done deal. Could be very nice but no way of telling.  No dressing session will save £200 but there are a lot of other issues as well.Manchester, liverpool or even Scarborough may be options.

Neither Dieppe or Normandy

Yesterday I woke up and thought I will stop the hormones, so I did.  Perhaps a sabatical is the correct term. IF the hair grows thicker and the erections come back and mentally it proves too much I will have to reconsider.  If furhter investigation shows taking the hormones is not the big problem I percieve, notice that word, then may restart.    Possibly the emotions will snap back and things will be OK and I can go on as before.  For the first time the aanalogy of a train passing stations has a new meaning. I have got off the train and gone back to a previously passed station.  Thats OK.  Earlier I used the not original phrase "diagnostic dose"  and now have some results to analyse and reflect on and to feedback into the course of action.    There was not a course of action for when the breasts became visible.  The idea of a train is flawed as it assumes reversability.  This need not be true.  If I restart and do it for a sufficient time testesterone production will stop and I will need HRT permantely.  If breast formation proceeded too far they would be noticed.  Both are steps which can neither be taken back or do not have significant ramifications.  There is no shame in saying these are steps too far which they may well be but so far nothing has been done to rule them out in the future.  There is wisdom in that and it accepts that mistakes can be made and there will be learning.  Nobody has said you have to go further. There is, however, the nagging feeling, that I shall be crossing thechannel and crunching up the shingle again.  There is also the very real sense that if I do there will be significant sacrifice required and it will be as well to be prepared in advance that it will not be easy.

Lack of choice

The hormones are not a done deal.  For the past 2 days I have had strong emotional periods lasting say 30 minutes where I have wanted to cry, really bad.  Nothing specific as a cause but its been bad.  Very very slight breast growth so far.  Read a post saying if stop female signs may or may not disappaear but that there is no guarantee testesterone production will restart which may may will show age more than otherwise and health be affected.  The alternative is to keep taking hormones till end of days. Only 5 monts in so not too much damage done hopefully or at least nothing that can be recovered from.  Do like the thinner hair, loss of erections and lighter beard but these emotional episodes do need to stop or resolve themselves.  Given the time to order and get more estrofem do need to make a decision soon. 

Support group on tuesday.  Usually wear quite sedate clothes, say leggings,  for a while wore a terribly short skirt and heels, not a mistake but not what I would do today.  When the weather improves may show more skin.

Mary Tyler Moore Again

It is friday night, I have the house to myself what do I do?  Once the answer would have been a blitz of pics but possibly not so much now.  What I did do was epilate, never fun but not too bad, and then dress.  No makeup or contact lenses.  The dressing act was surprisingly strong, did not expect that.  OK on internet, bit of drink and then what when unexpected had a brief "yes" moment.  Stomach keeps saying something happening.  In one sens its a bit worrying as it suggests things are moving under the surface. 
Several months growth aweay from big questions but its interesting.  I have allways worked on the assumption that ultimatly I was stronger than the trans element in me.  What if that is just now not true?  Hmm, too early to say that but worth a thought.
On a side issue Rhoda, MTM's friend is reporte to be dying poor her.  Not sure what to say.Not a big infulence on me but even so. 

Standing back and asking questions no answers but a start

Been putting up the pics from A______ up on Flickr.  very gratifying response, lots of favs and comments.  However feel a bit of a fraud. Granted you need decent clay to start with but a good potter can do soo much and she did.  Look at my pics homedone and there is no comparision, look at the few outrdoor pics, in the real world, and I look even less effective.  So what is the purpose of going there?  Is it worth it?  OK lets say the Flickr response is just the icing on the cake, which it is then the question becomes £200 for 4 hours of whatever is that worth paying for?  The answer up to the last appointment was yes, the last appointment seemed to have an undertone of having gone as far as can go and both sides accepting that.  May change attitude close to next chance to visit but not certain.  £200 how far could that advance Paige? 
Hormones are starting to show some effect.  Some sighns of growth of nipples and aerola but also more bouts of sadness, nearly in tears over things.  Have 2 full wheels left.  Need to decide whether to order some more, the mood swings are a concern.  Said did not know where it was going, now not quite so sure want to find out.  It is possible they may have been a glorious mistake.Have to be realistic about things and face the hard questions.  So far its not an issue but it could be.  Thinking is free and prepares you for what may happen.  No harm in that.  Think on ...

Blitzing the hair

Just a quick one.  When at Brighton there are great bathrooms, well it upon the idea of using Lush bathbombs in the bath to end the day.  Good for aching limbs and any possible colds.  Well the Lush butterball bathbomb was what I used when I started out and shaved my body on a sunday, disposable razors and hair conditioner.  First time out got a nasty cut on left leg, took quite a few months to go away.  Moved on the epilating soon after, brieg, unsuccessful excursion with wax strips, and the hair wars continue to this day.  Also put a butterball in my clothes stash.  Very evocative smell. Sometimes you forget how you have moved on.  Probably was a bit heavier and not as toned then.