On the level

When I think of Brighton 2013 there is a slight sense of disaapointment.  Ignoring reasons for this for a moment an event has bubbled up which is significant.  I am on the green at St Peter'sBrighton eating an Aldi sandwich and fruit pot.  Suspect about to go to the Claire project so M ad S top, wooden beads and flats, as ever.  The point here is it was not part of the "bucket list" as I have read it described, it was just a thing to do.  Hopefully as a normal woman would.  Granted rare to see women by themselves but lets move on.  Thats where I am when in Brighton, nothing to prove just doing all the normal things as a normal woman would.  Sadly the other 51 weeks that isnot an option.  OK there are other holidays and occassional times to dress but its an issue.  On friday waas in office and it burned surprisingly brightly.  Hopefully tomorrow should get time to dress and possibly pics.  Lets be real.  I have been doing this since 2007,really 2007 must check, anyway at least 5 years.  Its stronger, it has not gone away.  I have awheel of estrofem in my draw.  Last year around this time I started on the hormones.  Had to stop but could so easily start.   If the burning gets stronger and too much may have to  go back to it.  lets say I work till mid 60's then transition what sort of life would that be?  Transition at 55, need a new jiob, live else where , lets not go there, how to make that a reality?  Am I really talking about transitioning or can I live with a bit more?

Compression

One of the more interesting aspects of this Transgender lark is that it surprises you.  So last night I did a little bit of dressing.  The 6 suspender belt, black stockings, black bra, heels.  Well even with no makeup it was a success. Felt better and strangely happy for several hours later.
Gave the corset to Seamstress.  Got nice email back.  Like the thought of it being used by someone properly.  It was bought at Waterloo Honour a shop diffficult to find and surprisingly small.  Had a late breakfast at Barberella's.  Dutch girl did not want to lace the corset too tightly.  Also got he latex body which was a bit ofa flop.  LSE of course.
Was accepted to join a group in Facebook. So far so what?  Well the point is one of the administrators is a person whose opinion I judge important.  Its as if you have been given a seal of approval.  looked at my pics and said "OK let them in." OK more realistic than that but even so.
Did a bit of brief dressing today.  Not seriously, no makeup, contact lenses or pics to speak of. Heard a car drive up and park.  Sounds right I thought and, not in the fevered way that have and will again do, started to take the kit off. Couple of minutes later back to boy mode, went downstairs.  Car in drive people not in yet. Gherkin juice leaked in boot so probably sorting that one out. Opened door was back to me.  The pool was closed as a gala was on.  Whtas the odds?  No stress or anything.  Of course the problem is not enough time to dress or take pics.  Lots of stuff there but ultimatly the problem is not me but everyone else.

Inked

Well did get a tattoo. Quite pleased with it.  Have to see how it heals but better than expected.  Not particularly painful either.  £60 all in which is fine really.  Full of endorphins went a bit mad.  PVC corset £25, La Sensa knickers £12 for 3, £27 for play pink wig, long gloves, complete body suit and tiny shorts, there is a photo in that lot.  Finally a £10 6 suspender belt and a cup chicken fillets £7. Woman in stall wanted to vent about a woman buying the wrong size lingerie for her daughter who had no self image which was accurate.
Mind you my self image is a bit off too The weight is probably 11 st 10 lb so lost 1/2 a stone which is good.  certainly feel better and the legs look good.  Ideally get down to say 11 st 4 ib but we shall see.
There is the possibility that could be alone a bit at Xmas which would be lovely.  In the meanwhile would like to do a hallowean pic and a Xmas pic.  Would like to get chance to take some pics!
 A kind person on Flickr reworked one of my pics.  Mainly my face which I take as a complement.
Still need to get retro suspender belt perhaps that can wait.
Sapphire is being very demanding not sure why but have not had a good 100% session for some time.Not sure, apart from booking a hotel room what can do about that.

 

Fly away fly away home

Mentioned in last post the idea of a "moonshot" a big thing to try.  Transister was that, as was going to a dressing service dressed.  There is also inherent in it the idea of a lot of planning being needed as well as a final act requiring bravery.  Possibly the last 2 holidays were moonshots too. In a way the hormones were also a moonshot but a day to day bravery rather than a final single act.  It is probable I may well go back to the hormones but I have no final aim, things are complicated.  How could I live a life with breasts, how could I plan for that what could I change to bring it into  a possibility?  There you have it, again and again the brick wall keeps appearing. 
Getting a tattoo on saturday.  it is a ladybird and on left shoulder blade.  it could be girly but also as I collect ladybird books.  Once you accept the idea of modifing your body tattoos and piercings seem tame compared to hormones.  There is no Ladybird book of Tgirls, no Observers guide to Transitioing or even a Project book to being Trans.  You have to do your best. 

Moon Base Alpha

Just had a bit of a thought.  To date Sapphire has done all the big things alone.  From buying clothes, the first time past the door, clubs, MAC its been all me.  Nobody to hold my hand, literally or figuratively.  Perhaps thats why the Internet is so popular.  A chance for fellowship,  perhaps even some form of friendship.  Flickr other less family friendly sites all offer the chance for "pretty," "lovely, "prettiest girl on the web" hit and run comments to keep us going. 
Its all a bit negative but probably true.  We all need validation, support to keep going.  The drive is not infinite but the siren comments of the Internet need to be listened to carefully.  Getting your genitals out is easy and gets good comments but does not really help in Marks and Spencers. It depends where you think you are going.  To the bed room or to the great outdoors.  Choose your pics with care and be very careful over what you believe.
Its a bit negative, the support group has not really been a massive help.  Granted the counselling was very useful and the chance to dress is good but thats where we are.  Not sure what expected from the suport group, more probably but, well, not sure what it is doing now. Will be returning to this one but putting Sapphire in TRansister and then Kings and Queens Brighton was my moonshot. Been there, done that.  The expectation was be on Mars by now.

Shephards prayer

Lets revisit yesterday. Tried to trigger camera by laptop today, 30 minutes later stopped with no success.  It  has worked but not on this laptop.  Basically thats the problem.  If, and when, I buy another laptop it should be fast enough to do camming and trigger the camera.  Also should be able to surf the web and run photoshop easily.  The question is where do you stop, at what point do you say stop?  In a very real way this is a horrible question.  There have been several times in Sapphire's evolution where wanted to say stop but went for it.  Several doors have been stared at and handles turned and bang you are falling out of the C130 and thinking how to do this and there it is; the outside world, the taxi waiting, the levels Brighton.   Only by being determined have progressed.  Some things you have to stop sometime.  Sadly the hormones are one such example.  Probably will revisit them, sooner rather than later I suspect, but there comes a point where it is uneconomical to continue.

Looking at the photostream on Ippertnity and deleting ones they consider "inappropiate".  Stuff going back to 2008 or 9. Paige dates from 11/08/07 pics say 1 year later.  Thats the first Flickr stream though such pics are on HDD somewhere.  Jodie (1) must have been february 2008.  That feels right.  First walk sept 2008 with Transister 2009. Anyway the early pics were quite good even if technically unsophisticated.  The point is that there is a back story of 4-5 years.  Would not have got that if said stop.

Not best practise

Its 11.34 at night, I am alone and its been abit of a fiasco really. Plans to make the most of it and do some pics and a vid.  Took forever to find clothes and still couldnot find collar. Stomping around in 6 in heels a bit of  Pin.  Have wierd strap kept coming undone. Put the digital compact up and its too dark to do a vid.  Possibly could have used Flipcam but did not occur to me.  Did some pics.  The external flash is not syncronising with the camera right,  Used Sony flash in the end. Had to use the 10 sec timer on camera.  Seemed to go OK.  Tried for bit of camming.  No joy. Finally set it all up and the allow website to control camera etc popup box would not work.  Stopped at that.  Then checked pics, most of them out of focus.  The preflash AF flash had disabled as it was triggering the preflash and focusing on me tripping the flash.  Need to use laptop to trip camera.  Need to sort out lighting for vids.  Need to sort out room. Basically got very little for my troubles. Not exactly a wasted night but not good.  The new heels not sure about.