Hmm, well not quite sure!

Another curious one.  Last night at 5.30 pm I was left to myself with the possibility of being alone till the next dat , afternoon.  I did dress; long knitted top, denin skirt, thick leggings and boots but switched to flats.  No makeup and no pics.  Sat on the floor till early hours watching YouTube, drinking and going to the toilet.  Now the point is why no makeup and pics/ contact lenses?  I do not know.  All along I felt I should be but did not.  It's too cold, feel tired, peeing badly, did not happen.  However it was a good night. The words nourishing leapt to mind.  I suspect there is still the sense of worry of being caught but something more. There would appear to be a paradox that the estrofem does reduce the need to dress. 
Deep down of course is the concern I am not TS or TV but some transient condition which as stopped or at least ebbing. Do not believe that as I am 6 years old but there it comes.  You do a blog, have a few drinks and then , as if by magic, the subconscious bubbles up an idea.  I sit there, wig, dressed, heels or flats and its "so what?"  Of course it is so what I am being natural true to myself.  The bra bites and the breast forms are a pain and the boots are tight but there is no inherent what am I doing, what am I wearing? Perhaps that is the bottom line.
In 17n daysI wil go through a long train tunnel, over a viaduct and some very Jane Austen scenery, pass Preston Park and a buzzer will sound and I will hit Brighton station platform.  I will be sweaty, hacked off, tired and moving toward the ticket barriers at speed. The odds are I will not be dressed or in make up.

Feeling a little less endangered

Ignoring the support group I have the sense that I have not dressed this year, also ignoring New Years Eve.  There have been opportunities but have not, why?  I suspect its because of the estrofem, there is a paradox in that that which makes me female also suppresses the need to dress.  Indeed by becoming female I do not need such signifiers as clothes.  Discuss, with diagrams.  Really looking forward to the holidays, email from Premier Inn saying cannot have breakfast there as they are doing work on the area.  At £8 per meal this is not such a big issue, potentially.  Granted would need to take toothpaste and brush out but thats a small thing. Three days and what to do?  What will the weather be like? Toying with going to London one day, not impossible, could be fun.  Need to order new wig, ideally go to Trendco but their website was not too exciting and that would be too expensive.
Really like the idea of doing London or Hastings.  Not exactly a moonshot but a good thing to do.  Would like to say hello to the Blue whale again.
Down to 1 2mgper day, still get , hopefully, unreasonable fears and doubts but not as strong.

Wigging Out

Support group on tuesday 3 new people; a gg with her friend who is trans and an older girl.  The 2 were in their early 20's the other girl late 40's.  Its a cruel state being trans.  The young trans could have passed in a pasty faced goth way possibly but looking round its not good in one sense.  Its basically middle aged, fattish girls in wigs and limited makeup none of whom have worked on their voice. Obviously I stand out being totally passable in every way!  It is because we are so far from the norm of female itis fair to say we are trans, nobody who was not trans would go through it, sometimes it is like a Monty Python sketch almost.  There is a young trans group in Newcastle which she would be better to go to, certainly there is limited value in our group.  Was a bit worried about my email and pic to H****** but seemed to go well. 
Had opportunity to dress but did not felt too tired.  Was in the gym changing room when looked up and saw a pair of brownish legs with a lot of hair.  Mildly surprised at my response of being almsot intimidated by them, seeing them as a bad thing.  Realised how white my skin is, the tattoist called it "milk white" and how much hair most men have.  Also how fat they are and increasingly alien.  Do  not like the slightly aggressive air there is either. Surprising number of tatto'es too.  Do not see many piercings though.  Actually feel good with my body and how thin and toned it is. There said it.  After all do eat well and exercise so why not?  Preening over, knees hurting moving on.
Need to sort out new wig, probably going to be old wig, again, again.  May pop into Trendco in Hove. Do need to work on voice, really do, really do.

Whats all this about then?

Another oddsunday.  Had a clear 3 hours but did not dress.  Had shower and then did a big shave of legs, chest and armpits, moisturised but no dressing. Not sure why.  It was cold which put me off but the shaving was a girly thing to do even if cut myself and bled quite badly.  There is a disenchantment with Flickr but even so.  Brighton spring 2014 is go so that will be good. Support group on tuesday, lets see how that goes.
The PA piercing is quietening down, hopefully be sorted soon.  Then think about the curved bar rather than a BCR.
May leave XHamster, again!  The return on investment is getting too low.  The estrofem is reducing the libido nicely, not nearly so many erections.  It is possible the estrofem is making me anxious and prone to false worries.  Not good. Of course they might be genuine concerns which  is a different matter.  Again, only time will tell.

Getting Past The Door

When was your first time out is a stable question on forums.  Ignoring nocturnal wanderings and dressing services lets say Transister, Brighton. This was planned even more carefully than D-Day with one exception which is understandable.  When I saw the event posted and realsied I could attend well planing started.  Clothes were bought in Newcastle, shoes from Lacies Brighton, a wig and makeup.  The look was from a look J**** did.  Remember sitting at the level eating a sandwich thinking need to go back soon and get ready.  Back to room and shaved, showered and put on makeup, clothes, took a couple of pics and used too much hairspray.  Used a Lush antipersperant bar which was a mistake as it failed totally.  OK there we are. Sitting on bed with mobile phone and card for taxi firm.  Well then plan was to get to this stage and then see if would go any further.  Phoned for a taxi, told x minutes.  Well at x - 5 I hit the door and, in red heels, opened it and went out.  Had to pass think Italian students who suddenly went quiet as I passed. Waited briefly for taxi and arrived at venue.  It was upstairs but initially went downstairs but nobody paid any attention to me and I finally went upstairs.  Paid entry fee and got a card to be stamped at each event, silly on my part and theirs as they did not last long.  Now the plan only went as far as this point.  There may have been some nebulous idea of rampant admirers and how pretty I was but the point was I had no intel about what happened inside and what to do.  In a big way it did not matter, I had already hit all the targets, the rest was gravy.  As it turned out the plan was not to get drunk, wet myself, stagger home, vomit on bed and spend the next day with a monster hangover.  There was some idea of walking on shingle in bare feet and there are pics of me not doing that.
Next day was vile all round.
The point I am making this WAS a moonshot.  The Apollo 11 astronauts were supposed to have taken suicide pills if it all went bad and Nixon had a speech prepared.  Of course my little jaunt was not in that league at all.  If it all failed it would have had little real consequence.  I could have tried again at a future date.  However, it did push me outside my comfort zone and was a battle.  How many have stared at the door, grasped the knob and stayed in their room.
The problem is its too easy to bask in past success and not push forward. Transister was 2009, there has been a lot of progress since then.  I must now think how to push even more forward.

Looking forward

Had a dressing session today.  On the plus side the makeup went well but could not find stuff since tidied up.  No pics of any consequence.  Stopped too early to be on the safe side.  Ended up with a going outside look; flat shoes, jettings etc.  Size medium which is about right really.  Set me thinking about Summer 2014.  Lets say Brighton, lets say it happens even. 2013 was supposed to be the big one; proper place to saty etc.  Then it went cheap, car MOT etc. Down to 7 days, no dressing service, still £75 for what was a crap room, move on quickly. A lot worked but still sense of not reallt good enough.  Two years ago refused to go back to the usual place, now not so sure.  DO I either get lucky else where, go back to the old place or pay more again?  Well the 10-11 days feels good but the kitchen grief is bad.  Its 8 months away, over half a year.  february is 6 weeks away.
Feel attempting to get to something or concept which is still out of grasp, it will come. Cannot place it but that is one of the roles of this blog I suppose.

Dont Stop Believing

Currently on the DAB radio is "Don't stop Believing,"  this is a karoake standard.  I an sitting in Legends bar, dressed, watching the drag act .  They pull people up to do karoake an a couple do this song.  I have had 2 large Pinot Grigios and am by myself but by god its exciting and doing it for real.  Intrestingly even when with other tgirls the drag act when working the audience ignores Tgirls.  Just a quick one really.  As ever tinged with the though should have been doing it years ago and not alone but at least trying.
Lets open this out.  In february it is probably reasonable to assume on monday night I shall be in Brighton Premier Inn leaving on friday morning.  There will be bathbombs, painting toenails and possibly, nails but what else?  On monday night may go to Legends bar.  No dressing services planned so get 3 days. Like to do a run ideally, Red Roaster, Taylor street, museum, Hove, Quadrant, possibly Stanmer Park, university, Claire project or possibly TParty? May do a message in Angels. Interesting change in priorities not dressing being enough its now what do I do when dressed? The idea of a walk is attractive too, there are options. The Meeting Place at the University. Possibly even Andrea's final resting place.
Its not a moonshot but a walk to at least the church would be nice.  An Amanda style travelogue even place probably locked.   Film Duke of Yorks, Eaton Nott,  Kemptown.  Just remembered first Tparty.  Girl with green corset on saying how they had walked on the Pier dressed like that. They looked like a welder so surprsed, sold cars and bikes.  The girl saying Tatty Bye who had no knickers on.  Phoning up about the party at the bottom of Holland road, the pub.