Looking back, looking forward

Lets start with a couple of pics;

 

 Both taken when on holiday.  Both with the Lumix DC8, I think. Just put them through photoshop and quite pleased with them.  The top was at Brighton and the bottom LSE, just wish I was smiling.  The point is you have unlimited time and cannot be interupted.  Then again you have limited resources.  Now I have not really dressed and taken pics for several weeks.  To do so now requires a quite advanced setup with a flash, netbook, tripod etc.  The bar has been raised so what would be acceptable a couple of years ago is not now.  Also the estrofem has reduced the desire to dress, well up to a point.  Now really want to do outside pics with other people, that would be nice.  

Had a marathon defrostation session today, bathbomb, 3 razor blades and conditioner.  As ever, missed bits but feel better, more femme.  Really do need to do a photosession, next thursday week seems to far away.  Support group on tuesday, probably will go. 

Holiday 2014

Was in the "FatFace" shop today, not dressed, looking for scarf which took pic of at Xmas.  No joy but did well over Laura bag so no big deal.  Not sure what the thing with scarfs is anyway! FatFace seems to be the new Boden but slightly down market. I suppose that is my outdoor look, older but still trying and  not given up. Not dressed for 3 weeks, not too bad but be good to do it soon.  For a couple of days took 2 2 mg tablets, well we shall see. 
The eye brow glue stuff was sent recorded deliver need to go to middle of nowhere to get it.   Not ideal.  There may be a very slight breast growth and the eating more may  be related.  In 2 weeks get the 2 days to dress etc, be good to top up the batteries. Sadly Tbirds wrong week and no other events available. Really do not want to go back to University of Brighton but well cheap and cheerful. Ideally not do Brighton but where else? done it for 14 years for the last 6 for Sapphire.  Ten days away at a cheap price, lets gloss over the Legends not fiasco but well too noisy, too small rooms.  Like to do Manchester, swing down to Liverpool then Brighton possibly.  That has resonance it has to be said.
Got some 3 mm BCR's today £6 at shot , surgical steel.  The guy goes " do you want to see them?"  and I said yes.  Anyway, looking back there was a sense of being very professional about it al, not some kid being bigger than they were.  Need to get scrotum repierced x 3 and the 2 in the naval.  The last one may be suitable for Punktured,yes that feels right.Aaagh, that says Brighton again. 

Got to beat the clock

Ordered some eyebrow wax and stencils today.  The ideal is to get them shaped which I did once which was fab but a bit of a risk.  Anyway hopefully can help the face.  here it comes.  What did strike me is that things have changed.  I am now left with a sense of the clcok ticking and fighting against time.  The face looks old and creased, without a lot of money this is not getting any better.  So what I do is in the knowledge that this is not going to get better.  When I started there was a different overarching idea one that said must get better and better and that how I look is to a large degree up to me. Now there is a sense of things crumbling.  lets get this in perspective, there should be some mileage in the face yet but its not like I am in my 20's or 30's with a long time to go before i start to decay. 
The body can be altered by exercise and diet and I am not worried by that, arrogant as that may appear.
Took an extra estrofem this morning  May go up to 4 mg per day. Take me to the "need to do make a decision" time a bit earlier.
In 2 weeks time should get 2 days to myself.  More planning is required.  Hope the weather is warmer. Have not had a photosession for some time, be nice.  I suppose it is not impossible that some pics may yet appear in TLI but not very optomistic now.
Possibly see about laser but again suspect the boat has already sailed on that one. 

The Fourth Picture

How much do I care?  How badly do I want to be a woman?  Ignoring for the moment the spectrum of transgender question the point is how badly do I want to change and what would I sacrifice?  looking at Flickr tonight and it almost seemed as if it were a hobby which I can take or leave, nonsense of course.  Then there are the hormones, is 2 mg just a trivial dose or will it hot the spot?  Does they keep me on an even keel able to function and damp down Sapphire while turning me into her?  Good one that!  I do not know.  
In 3 weeks should get a couple of days dressing time. We already know the answer, put me in a Premier Inn and I am out of the door dressed, wet feet, gonads shrinking, oblivious to the public.  I care that much.  What am I waiting for?  Have I reached equilibrium, there is some scary stuff about people stopping transition at 18 months of RLE. 
Its an odd blog this, lots of questions, few answers or amusing anecdotes of things I have done.  I am 50, nearly 51 bad time to transition but sense of time if not running out the best of times being in short supply.  

Already increasing sense of having wasted too much time, the thought could have had laser even 3 years ago is irratiting. 

Cold Turkey?

After tonight I will have only 2 days supply of 2 mg estrofem left.  More is expected soon so its not a big deal.  May get the chance to see the effect of a few days without estrofem.  This leads to the question what effect does it actually have?  Well the first thing I notice is that my hair feels dryer as less grease is produced, the libido drops to the floor and the need to dress drops too.  Nipples get more sensitive but actual breast growth is limited.  Last time at 2 x 2mg per day did get a jiggle sensation but not a great deal else.  Orgasms are less intense and erections fewer and less hard.  This is all good stuff, I also get more emotional. There is some less good stuff about the liver but I have not had baselines taken and so not sure where going with that one.
Going for a run, had Walkman on when a male in his, late 20's ran past.  Noticed a smell, possibly body spray, brown legs and big shoes.  The point is I felt I do not look like that when running, tall, yes, but thin.  At the time wearing leggings and fluorescent top so very different, also gloves.  The point is though I would love to be thought of as female, but do not, there is not a lot of maleness there either.  In the gym lots of small, squat bald headed middle aged men but tall thin males are uncommon.  I am happy to wear shorts which is not common either. Estrofem is supposed to decrease muscle mass, well we shall see. Eating like a horse and at 11 st 9 lb.  Really do need to make some decisions over things. 
Hopefully in middle April get 2 days to dress and take pics. Not been too many pics recently either.

Mirror,mirror on the wall

There has not been a big meltdown moment about Brighton but its been a bit sticky.  Moving more to a sense that something has to change, nothing new there you may say.  Next out will probably be summer 2014. Might get a crafty overnighter but not certain. 

The pic above shows the usual Brighton Museum pic.  Laurabag and rear gunner bear, Goretex, Sarah Lund sweater. Not completely sure about leggings, jeggings would have been better.  Boots would have helped but even so.  The German Army Boots are still there along with Sarun 5's outfit.  The big issue was the voice but that is a big one it has to be said.  Basically I feel everything else worked.  The time taken to put makeup on is an issue and the wig is still not perfect but there we go.  Would like to do a walk en femme or at least the church at Southease.

 I have a downloaded image of a woman walking away from the camera, waterproofs, hair and boots to an extent that is what I aspire to.

1 wheel on my wagon

Had a bit of a minor shock.  Down to last wheel of estrofem tried to order some more from usual supplier, they were out of stock! Other, untried, suppliers were significantly more expensive. Luckily it was back in stock tonight and put in new order.  This was partly my fault and I should have been quicker off the mark but it does raise the old question as to what the hormones are for? There used to be the aim of getting breasts and feminising me and I went up to 2 x 2mg per day.  Now I am 1 x 2mg per day and see it as a way of keeping happier.  So losing libido and erections not a problem and glad can do it on a small dose.  Suppose really its a slow way of getting to the point where big questions need to be asked. Really given my frame breasts would not be large but would be more man boobs which would still take some time to grow.  2 x 2mg gave me much worrying thoughts and as the new year shows false concerns, or at least hoping so.  Much more emotional.