You have to now what you want before you..

There are online sites such as second life where you design an avator and interact with fellow avators.  I spend a lot of time on line, being Sapphire but do not interact, and it has become apparent that this is my second life.  Sadly I want it as my first life but probably not the blisters on feet, ding makeup bit which all too often gets forgotten.  In Summer 2014 will get to do it for real.
I have a belief that if you want to do something badly enough you will sacrifice whatever it takes and do what is required.  If you do not then basically you did not want it enough.  Too smplistic I accept but how often do we hide behind excuses to not do things?
So I want to be slim but am eating too much and have love handles.  I have a lovely Axford corset while I "muffin top" in.  I want to lose weight, know how to and have done it in the past but now it seems to elude me. The word is dissonance. 
Curiously I am able to do a lot of running and take the grief so it is not totally couch potato mode. Another post describing a situation but with no remedy or course of action.

Hair Raising

Had chance to dress on friday but apart from nightie and kimono did not.   Th On saturday bought a new wig, more soon, wanted to see how it looked.  Skirt, top, panties, bra, silicones, heels, easy. Not really as really affected me quite badly.  Friday night looking at porn, surely not, got a very hard erection.  Disturbing, wanted it to go away really strongly, never had that before, quite a shock, surprise.  The wig was £20, in the burgandy colour I have ordered from China, probably same wig, nice bob good level on forehead, if the left side manages to curl correctly could have a new best wig.  Could well be good for Brighton. Went into Wig Cabin in Newcastle, no joy but woman remembered me, which was nice. 
After run had a bath tonight, right nipple piercing lost. Tried to use a taper to open it up with no joy at all.  Going to have to let it heal and think.  Possibly might be OK to do in Brighton but only 7 weeks. It would be the third time and might be best to call it a day. 
The estrofem is really out of my body, its not good at all. Paige is very bouncy and the erections I could do without.  The new razor shaves very close which is nice but getting razor burn. Sould be OK for Brighton though.  Do keep wondering about laser on remaining stubble, might still do some good. 
Will need to get back done and St Tropez tan for Brighton.  Possibly also the remaining scrotal ladder and the ladybird tidied up.  Thinking about lizard tatto but ideally at Skin Candy, Brighton.

Probably the best a girl can get

Managed to make the support group last night.  In many ways it is like a snug in a pub; we talk about cars, planes, tell jokes and watch youtube it can be quite a pleasant evening if it were in a pub.  The point is we are all dressed en femme but it is not a female atmosphere.  I did have a hope it would be full of cosmetic tips, fashion advice and other such vital information. This was probably an error on my part for now I suspect support groups are a group of people, a person with some training and ability to access further support, if required.  None of our small group seem to be in distress or uncomfortable about being trans either, which is good. It is a good question as to what I get from the group, or contribute, but it seems to help.
Summer 2014 is going to be a compromise again.  Last year was supposed to be the gold standard but,its fair to say now, was badly let down by the accommodation.  Do need a good nights sleep, in a real sense the rest is secondary, warm, shower, place to put makeupon, ideally a full length mirror.  Sitting in legends bar, drinking white wine spritzers and being ignored, Ok but not paying that much money for.  So, hopefully, it will be U of Brighton thursday to tuesday, pack and Sussex University tuesday till saturday.  Chance to do some good runs; the Brighton rottingdean path springs to mind and Stanmer park. 
A total stonker success accommodation would probably be Premier Inn but that would be too expensive.

Back in the saddle

Got the chance to dress today, not too often at the moment, and had decided against taking pics.  Put on makeup, tried Kryolan plastic putty for eyebrows, not a success but see how it could be.  Took it off and used Kryolan stick for foundation.  When first started this was used a lot, only later switched to liquid The TV stick is said to be good for photos or TV, hence the name and it has a high coverage. In the real world it looks too obviously made up and is a pain to remove.  Having said that did get the feeling that some of the older pics I looked younger could be partly down to the use of kryolan stick. 
Get the feeling a couple of times, not shaking but certainly something.  Have not had the cold water instomach for some time, say a few years.

Been off the hormones, not a large dose anyway for over a week.  Morning erections are back, orgasms different, stronger and erections more solid.  Its not good but could be worse.  Possibly urine smells different.  waiting for hair to be more greasy again.  It is probably fair to say that the estrofem kept the girl in check to an extent. 

The am of doing a run en femme meant getting female running equipment and then possibly doing the walk en femme has consolided this.  The foreign woman I saw in York cathedral has become a role model possibly for me. Needs a bit of work but could be the way to go.

A Place by the sea

Tin hats on people, talk about summer 2014. Bought ticket down for £15 for tuesday.  Well after a phonecall which probably blew out location 1 for tuesday to thursday, went on line to get tickets forthursday.  The eastcoast website was v v v v v v v very slow so tried the Grand Central.  £70 got a ticket down and back, back first class.  The first class may be slightly watered down but cheaper than East Coast. There is also that advantage that the train goes from Sunderland direct to Kings Cross so no changing at Newcastle.  Also no horrible on the way back putting the pack on at the sight of the houses before the bridge and spending x minutes waiting at the bridge staring at the Tyne.  Hate that bit.  Yet always have had to do it, if only as a novelty will not have to do it this time.
The where to stay is still a battle.  Thursday till saturday morning so 9 evenings, 8 days, say 7 as got walk but possible plan over that  Possibly even 6 days if people come down.  Six Sapphire days, its not enough but what to do in those 6 days?  There is Pride which could be interesting, could be very good or a bit of a squib.
Just reread some entries from 2012, the sense of wanting to meet others is very strong but how? 

Here we go again

For the third time I have to stop the estrofem.  The IBS and the overactive bladder dictate it.  IBS can be caused by hormones so will stop for a couple of weeks and see if there is any improvement.  Then there is the eating, been eating so much, The hope is it will help with at least 1 of these. Only at 1 tablet of 2mg per day so it should not kick in so much.  They may be due to other issues possibly in which case will return to the estrofem.  Its not good really.
The eating may be the result of the running, the overactive bladder, if anything, should be ameliarated by the estrofem and the IBS may be due to the so called "fat busters" with the chillis.
The nipples are larger and more sensitive, there is some growth of breast tissue.  Lets see how long it takes for the erections to return, the hair to become greasy and what happens to the girl inside.

Walk Like an Eqyptian

Did a proper open to all run yesterday, 10 K round the town and the coast.  55 .04 minutes since you asked.  Quite a few young girls with running shorts or other wise tight garments.  Saw very few long legings mostly shorts. Kept wishing I was them with their hair scrunchied back .  Used to think I looked a bit girly when in male mode running.  sadly a few weeks ago caught sight of myself in a window reflection and the shoulers and torso are too big, the back too haunched and something else which just said male. The legs somehow looked slightly wrong too even though they are long and shaven. Bit of a disapointment.  There you have it really.  You do your best but its not good enough. Also wondered about doing work on voice, as ever this fails to happen. Its not enough being thinnish, putting on a wig and makeup, lets ignore lips for a moment, and hoping for the best.
What more can you do? Well putting aside SRS and hormones thats your lot really.
Gosh that was negative,came out of 2 gins and some white wine.  Again  its the do you want to be an old woman or an old man? OK the answer is I want to be happy and identiying as female in some way helps in this. Ah ha, a result there.

postings pics to Flickr etc and basking in the comments do not do it anymore.  Which is a bad place to be to be honest as it could well be the only place available to me.