Near the off

Tonight started to tidy the room of all things "girly."  On wednesday night will complete the carnage and put any remaining items in black bin bags and into the car.  Would have been better if last year thought of using bin bags, ah well it went OK. Last year we had the big clear out where 3 charity bags of clothes and shoes went to "Help for Here's"  the women were all taking away and so hardly noticed me or my do it yourself trans bags.  Have not missed anything which went down so seem to angle it right.
Will need to get some sandals, happy with cropped leggings but we shall see.  Almost excited now, getting ready to the thought of it all.  Not happy about the University of Brighton or Sussex University being so far away, say 30 mins.  Did it for Moulsecoombe standing by that bus stop but that was a different me.  What to do on the evenings?  Will do the walk then so that will help. Sussex like Lancaster and no doubt others s in the middle of nowhere, for the first year you are in campus and givig it your all.  I waited several weeks before going into Brighton, thne again, in typical fashion, I had lived in Hove for 2 weeks.  Still not sure whether this was a good or a bad thing. 
Not really sure what would constitute a success.  The bar has been raised quite high.  Ultimately Legends was a failure as it was to loud and expensive, the breakfast was nice though.  Hopefully both accommodations will have a decent bathroom and a long mirror. I suppose to be back by 8 p.m. with food and drink will be sufficient.  U of B claims a WiFi which might well help. No way am I going back into the laundry there!  S.U. may have a canteen can use, OK be surprised if it has not in the evening.
Be going from Sunderland direct so save that horrible over the yne bridge bit and changing trains.

Too much of me

Had the chance to dress tonight, but no makeup or pics, and went for it.  Currently I am nearly 12 st and any amount of special pleading regarding density of muscle will not help.  The additional, lets say half stone, does show.  Not perhaps massively but not as svelte as used to be and some "lovehandles," not good.  Been so hungry and eating a lot.  Argueably the upper thighs are quite bad too.  Who would have though eating like a horse would put weight on?  In 1 week I willbe in Brighton and had hoped to look better.  The running outfit works OK, the bits are hidden but still not sure about the wig, even with baseball cap.  However that is something.  There is no big plan or aim for Summer 2014, odd really.  There will be 7 days free, excluding 1 for moving and 1 for the walk.  Really like the idea of doing a walk, perhaps the walk dressed, a run dressed and, more nebulously, a swim suit pic somewhere.  The idea of some pics in the countryside would be nice too.  For the past 2 years I have mildly been concerned what state of mind I would be in on the train back if there was a very successful summer holiday.  
How to get a successful summer holiday is the big question to which I have no answer. Next year will rememebr about Trans Pride Brighton.  Will try for Sparkle too.  Trans Pride burns a bit but nothing could be done about it really.

Still in the race

Finally did the LGBT 5K run last night.  25 mins since you asked.  The "goody bag" included condoms and lube.  Had hoped to see ex counsellor and say Hi here I am running, its all good.  To be honest not totally sold on the idea of counselling but it did help.  Is it all good?  Was in a pub today, group of women, say late 30's 40's, had life experiences.  Did |I want to be in that group?  Run yesterday certainly wanted to be a lycra lovely.  Say lottery win, transitioned and it all went well.  Voice lessions, result, good voice.  OK currently fully male, not doing too well on that front either.  The answer is the word "spectrum."  Lets say I could wear the clothes, take the hormones and I suspect that would do me. Lets lose the nasty male but not totally.   This might be a project for retirement, too late of course.  the 2 mg of estrofem is not really working but does make me anxious and worry.

From InsideTo Outside

Had a "motivational speaker" in for the last 2 days and had to do the A/V or some of it.  Some of what he said, and he had been badly scarred as a young teenager, had resonance for me.The first comment was about stance, that you had to walk and look confident or you will be bullied, the "limping gazelle" as I have called it.  The second part was about blinkers that sometimes you have to ignore bad comments even if they are said out aloud. There was some interesting stuff about the face you think you have as opposed to the face you do have especially just after the accident.  In a sense he could say a lot of his talk to a group of Trans people quite easily.  Confidence and belief.  He also quoted someone saying that they forget over time the physical pain but not the way words or actions made them feel emotionally. Mental pain I suppose.
I certainly felt the benefit of hearing it and almost opened up to him about how rellevant it was to Trans folk but the moment never happened.  Probably not a bad thing really.

Will run and run

Did a run today, lots of other people there as well, certainly over 2,000.  Lots of lycre'd lovies, good legs and lots of flesh.  Self selecting group as the lard buckets would not run anyway and were probably not hitting the 8-9 minute miles.  Gosh that sounded nasty but true. The age distrubition group was interesting too.  Get past 35 and not too many.  Sadly the men looked quite bad too.  Lots of bald heads, tattoos, and small squat men.  Lots of body hair.  Actually the women had tattoos too.  Spent a coiple of minutes behind Tigger on a womens shoulder blade, the lower neck is quite popular too.  The men favour tribal tatoos, looking old now and football teams.  Love the scrunched up hair look, even a french plait.  Sadly saw my reflection in a glass window.  The legs look wrong somehow and though thin the frame does not say femme.  Granted this is in male mode but its not ideal.  
Would so love to be one of those blondes with the ponytail, cute bum, brown skin.  Had to help a few days ago with High Definition cameras and so saw myself oh dear.  The chin, the wrinkles its all a mess.  Suspect this is a normal reaction.  The lizard tattoo seems to be on hold for the moment, probably for the best really.  Men see to age badly but start at an earlier age. 

Bit of planning for the off

Lidl had some tops and cropped leggings on sale.  Bought 3, 2 medium and a very optomistic small.  Small leggings should be OK.  The corset appears to have dried quickly and safely.  I am eating like a horse so the diet is not doing very well.  Two weeks till holidays and little bit more till go, go go.  So need it to be a success.  Do not what else to say. In november hope to do Manchester and Alison. However this is the big one. It willnot be enough of course but have to do ones best.  The voice have not really started on.
Went to the support group, only girl there.  Wore the red wig its very soft and easy, but left an impression all the way across my forehead. Have to be careful of that.  Last night just me, had bath and shaved a lot of me.  Need to sort out waxing and tan, haircut too.  put "would like to meet" in TVChix,  Need to buy walking leggings too.  Like to do at least 1 walk en femme. Not so certain about a run. 

Tales of compression

When briefly dressing a few days ago found the overbust Axfords corset. Slight smell of mould.  Oh dear.  Mould on the black material.  Was toying with getting it drycleaned but checked the Internet which said hand washing done properly was OK. Currently its on the windowsill in a towel and hopefully should dry and be as good as new.  It has been in a few of my most popular pics and would be sad to lose it.
Today in Newcastle went into Katmandu, pseudogoth shop, "We do not do piercings" said a sign or 2 on the door.  It takes itself a bit too seriously as goth shops have a habit of doing but basically looked for another corset in the sales rack.  Result.  Blue vinyl over bust, the stays feel plastic so not really a proper corset but decided for £24 to have a punt on it.  Tried it on briefly.  Lots of lacing up required but looks OK.  Paid a lot more for less so cannot complain.  Will see when actually get chance to take some pics or even wear it for real.  The pink one has not been photographed yet so could be a corset tastic time.
Got number and details for 5 K run.  Meant to do for last 2 years, will now but have moved on.  Still got to show solidarity.  friday night which is a pain but even so should be good. May even see ex counsellor which would be good. 
Three weeks to Brighton 2014.  Worried about money, as ever.  Need to get waxed, hair cut and spray tanned.  Also hopefully lose some weight or at least tone up a bit. Sandals would be nice, perhaps another pair of capri pants.  Even running ones, be good to do run in en femme. 
Support group tomorrow, will try to go. What to wear?  Would like to show a little leg, that always seems to perk up. On sunday wore compression leggings and shorts.  No longer think I look very femme, the upper half lets me down, I look tired , body hunched forward.  Did get quietly whistled but may have been ironically.  Even so perked me up a bit.