Scent of a woman

In 2012, I think, in Brighton, when first out, went to Lush for a scent or perfume. mentioned before the trick where they hold your hand to release the scent. Well ended up with 1,000 Kisses.  Its anice if full on scent. Now I wear CK1 which is supposed to be unisex so I wear it in male mode as well. Bit of a nod to going full time I suppose. The smell of freedom is my ideal scent which is quite light. The aim is to leave a slight smell when I depart, not overpowering but certainly there part of a diffusion shell of slight smell.
Tonight been dressed but no makeup, not good really.  The lines on face are too prominent, certain Linda lee potter look not ideal. Granted not shaved.
It would have been good to do the support group with makeup on. Always meant to but it never happened. Theclose was very unexpected, bang and gone. No notice at all. Had I known I was attending the last meeting prior togetting there would have prepared something, a card or a present. II made an effort, hope it was enough and was appreciated.

Nearly There

In 5 days I will be in Brighton. In one sense there is a certain lack of excitement and in another the thought of being out dressed is rather exciting. The having to hide everything in my room is a right pain. In November the extraction fan in the bathroom was so noisy that I remembered I had some tea light s in my pack and used them very successfully, that combined with the M and S gin mixer drinks worked very well. Still battle to pack, even for basically 2 days. Then there is the trip down and back 1 day each way. At least will not have the awful coming in to Newcastle, waiting at the bridge, getting the last train home. There are no real plans, like to do the Ghost Walks, can easily spend 1 day wandering round, could do Lewes, whatever it will work. A coat would be good, thinking parka, fur round the hood. Hoping the boots work, will try some type of inner sole in the flats. Like the idea of a run but thats very dubious now, possibly 1, say 1 hour.
Possibly a MAC makeover but not certain about that.
There is a lot of family issues which have overshadowed things, sadly.
Started the look for a new compact digital camera. The current one is fine but getting on and for a bit less money I should be able to get one with remote control possibly via the phone. That would be good. The current one has been very effective but from a selfie point of view could be better. Also need to think about a new MP3 player.
Might go the Duke of Yorks must see whats on.  Will visit the Emporium, the museum, possibly the Pavilion. Must remember the bears this time. If the days left for holidays is correct might be able to squeeze in a long weekend in London, though that would need money, possibly Manchester. The big question is what about the girl when at home? Thats the rest of the time.

It Really Does Not Matter

It is 23:49 on a friday.  I am wearing the fleecy leggings, black polo top, heels amd plum wig. Straight on its all rather good, perhaps the breast forms are too big but not an issue. From side on its less god but we know that. Then there is the face, the lines are not good; from the nose to the mouth oh dear, the eyes, the forehead.Despite being over 12 st I do look thin, well in black anyway.
I do not pass, I know that.
You can revise, do the prctise exam but its only when yousit down, take your watch off to see the time and, possibly open the mints, then you do it for real. You then get the you havr x minutes.  Its now real. So you do the makeup, the clothes, pack the bag but its when the door closes behind you and you step out then it all gets real. Then possibly even not then.
So there it is. Should I stay inside because I do not pass, no I say or else I would not have posited the question really. That is not to say I should not do my best but for me not others.
Last November I walked along Sefton Park the perimeter stones in leggings, the stripy top, flat shoes and carrying a Goretex cagoule. I never felt closer to some ideal or imagined Audrey Heburn avator or ideal at that moment.

Happily Numb

It is saturday night, 18;11. J is at D's I will be alone till tomorrow. There is beaucoup gin and white wine, some nice food from Tesco's.  Also a couple of cigars if I wish. Several options for DVD's.  I dressed; Sarah Lund sweater, new Primark fleecy leggings (thanks for the tip Kay), the Aldi boots.  Bit tight with socks but we shall see. Also 1000 kisses perfume. Even a wig, the slightly darker bob.  It all went so so easily, slight tingles in stomach but feels so natural. Knees are hurting a bit so may not wear heels tonight.
Saw a possible coat in M and S today. In just over 2 weeks time I will be in Brighton. There was an advert on the radio which said "what do you want to achieve this year?" OK its Feb now but lets go for it. The voice has to be the big thing, as it has been for some time. Get out more, meet more trans people. Do Brighton TransPride 2015.  This should be achievable. Would like to email A***** about getting a new wig. Would like to do A****** place again this year. Arguably thos Feb should have gone to Manchester; day in Liverpool, possible day at A***** but money got inthe way. Its a better journey, can leave at 7 pm and get there for 10 pm. Not spend a day getting there. Of course there are other reasons for going to Brighton.
A tgirl I whose opinion L value used the word afformation as in no longer needing it from Flickr. It chimes in with my thoughts nicely. It could explain a lot. Once I would have blatted out a shedload of pics, there are several reasons why I am not doing it now, lets not underestimate the cold weather for one, but possibly that is a strongone.  Found the black curtains I obtained from work as a backcloth, be nice to try it out sometime.

First Left, Cannot Miss It

When it all kicked off I realised I needed to go to a dressing service. As ever the internet is your friend.  I suspect it was a list on Translife of such services, some with websites, some not. Well there was a shop or somethng in my home town, no website but a phone no. The shop name I did not recognise and it took a few goes to get through. " We have not been that for years" was the reply. There was also a dressing service outside Darlington.  Not too far.  I went to the most obscure out of the way public phone box and got through. Not very reassuring, "would you want any other services?" he said. Sounded like a "hole in the wall" place and I never persued it any further.
Newcastle had a shop, closed with the Transformations butterfly logo on. Was I saved from making an expensive mistake, probably.  As it was I ended up at the Boudoir.
The second thing to say is that there was never really a big revelationatory moment, a sudden sense of having a realisation.  Rather it has been slow incremental steps.  I had hoped for a big moment when I first did the Boudoir, remember looking at my madeup face from various angles and saying, yes yes a lot.  No big bang or revulsion either. First time going out when slightly drunk, 20 mins of excitement and fear.   The Transister event, in one way a flop in another a success. Suppose going out all day was another big one too. 
So where now? Hormones have been parked for the moment, still got 3 wheels so could restart.  Passed the place where the support group used to meet first. Rather miss that I must say.  Its the new year, I feel older and an questioning things.  It is entirely possible that have reached some steady state. Say 2 holidays with 2 days dressing, a longer holiday, possibly a dressing service, is that enough? 
When I first started trawelling around the Internet read an article that included the phrase"are you Ts, pray to god that you are not as it's a horrible road to go down"  paraphrase it a bit but that has allways stuck with me. Ultimately the fact that I am asking these question suggests that I want to go further. However all the easy bits have been done and there are only the difficult ones left.

The date of this pic is 2005, probably. University of Brighton accommodation.

Slap, bang, wallop

For non Trans reasons I had occasion to pick up the DSLR, hmm nice and light I thought and was mildly impressed. Sadly the difference between Program and Intelligent Auto became readily apparent and that was that. If given time and a fair wind the camera will produce good pics, the Intervalometer has been sourced and the flare issue basicaly resolved.  The flash unit is old and probably will need replacing in the near future. Here we have an issue. I do want to maintain the capacity to take good pics but am taking fewer of them. It also takes longer to get to a position to take a pic. So need to put up a background, setup camera, flash, take a few preview pics.  At this point I am good to go and can burn off pics if there is not a battle to find clothes, props etc. The flash cost a surprising £150 6 years agoso cannot really complain. There have been thoughts about buying a proper flash setup, say £200 but need somewhere to store it, to put it up and its a lot of money. Could do with a proper background set of some description too. Problem is  there has been very little new clothes worth photographing and a lot of repeats. The second issue is that I need to lose weight, probably more than ever.
Saw a pic of a gurl who had her shoes on a shelf, another gurl had a room with draws etc.  I have a battle to hide things and to find things.  A new wardrobe or chest of draws would help. Dressed on monday, no makeup but got some powerful feelings back.
Brighton middle of february, lets see how that goes. Once had a moonshot idea of walking to LAcies dressed, never happened as they closed down in Brighton.

Gratitious Underwear Shot

The above picis dated Sept2010, probably correct.  It would be the peak of the diet and pilates. The face had not started to look too old. I probably weighed under 11 st 7 lb. I was really going for it. I could probably get there again but the work required would be significant. Now I am 12 st or even 12 st 2 lb. Half a stone would do it. So what would I say to me from 2010 via tachyon email? Four years ago, no support group, no hormones, no piercings, hardly been out dressed,still going to J*****. Well I would suggest investigating laser more, I thought the skin was too light but that may be wrong. Also do get out more. 2012 was the breakout year, could have been a year earlier. There were worries but not as great then. The knees and back were spot on, the arthritis had not kicked in. Still had quite good closeup vision, there was a sense of optimisim as well. Go to A****** dressing service, start on the voice, not really much I would change to be honest.
In the Daily Telegraph an article about Trans people and vocie therapy, said Fiona Bruce or Charlotte Green were popular voice role models. Fiona Bruce, had not thought about it but that might well be more achievable than Sussanah Harker.