still Picking At The Scab

More Brighton summer 2015.It feels as if it was so quick and so many targets not hit. This is slightly odd as there was no battle over getting meals or drink, no bad laundette experience. Travelling was not really a battle. No issues with the kitchen or I suppose road noise. Yet somehow earlier years with more issues which were shorter do seen to have stuck in the memory more. Possibly now it is easy to go out dressed in Brighton it is no big deal, even the day in London has not been seen as a big thing. The day in Liverpool last November was seen as a real result but London which was just as much a big thing seems to hardly be noteworthy. The bladder too out a day the rain took out at least 1. Also Pride was not the big thing it was hoped for.
Still do not know why did not do the Ghost Walk or go on the Pier or Hove Museum or lie down on the shingle. There was no single sit down and enjoy the now moment.
Perhaps its a bit teflon, nothing new to stick in the memory. Argably it was a bit too early in the holiday, I needed more time to unwind to decompress before the holiday. Posssibly even the iron issue if it is shown to exist may be an issue. The bigger issue is that the wig felt wrong, I felt older, the makeup was a bit off. Add the issues with the feet and knees and bladder then it does rather take the gilt off the gingerbread.
Lets count the positives. There were no issues, not even in London. The epaderm for shaving and washing the face worked well. The long run. Saw a lot of Tgirls, did the walk again.  some better pics too. There are concerns about the camera but to an extent they may have been overblown.
Hopefully November will happen, if it does will see about a new wig. Better shoes or at least insoles. Its not a setback really but I do wonder if the February slip has not been quite removed from the system. Possibly its just being by myself for so many days.

OK its over summer 2015

Lets be realistic. A lot of  targets were hit; a day out in London, a long run, the long walk. Really a lot did work. Eating ANZAC biscuits and coffee at Taylor Street, being on a bendy bus in French camo and leggings, doing risque pics, getting out there. Because I did, dressed 7 days, though not all day. Got the blisters to prove it too. The trip to London, well that was the target and it was so easy, said hello to the blue whale, the tube held no fears. Sadly What Katie Did was closed and it took too long to find. The long run dressed, well, possibly if did it in winter it might have been easier and the wig might have stayed on. However Sweaty Betty leggings did sort of deliver. The short run dressed, well lets call it a test. The walk went better than expected too, slight sense of vulnerability as people passed, not sure where that came from.
OK cup half empty.  Monday the bladder battle, not good not good at all. Sunday it rained, saturday it rained. The feet were always there, the wig needed hair spray both known issues which had not been addressed. We can talk about the bar having been raised again and it has. Actually did the proper walk on the level, no issues at all. A lot worked but not everything.  The bladder, the makeup, fate. There is also a sense that I am going to accept that I do not pass and have to live with it. Be good to get the makeup sorted.

Interim Report

It is 18.02 and finally it has stopped raining. Sadly it was raining for the rest of the day. Was out earlier in the day and it was real.  It rained all the time, the feey hurt, all in all it was not an enriching experience. It was I suppose a chance to do the flip side of the glamorous things, the boring if not actually negative things which does happen. There were moments in the Emporium which did spark but even there there was a sense the makeup, the kryolan stick, was not a good idea. Not really sure what I expected from TransPride Brighton, everybody else appeared to be with someone and I was ignored a lot, though not in a delibrate way. The evening disco, oh dear, lets just say I forgot how difficult going alone can be. The good news was I did not stay and realised it was not my fault. So tomorrow is monday and will try London. The big thing I have got so far is that I look old, especially around the eyes. This has been quite a sapping experience and difficult to adapt to. The new camera is rubbish sadly, the possibility of outdoor shots has not been totally forgotten but the quality will be low. The dressed run was a bit of a mess, can do better. Shame to lose the cap. In a bit of. Negative place currently, lets see what tomorrow brings.

First Sitrep

it is 23:05, I am in aroom in Falmer, around me is a lot of the girls things. today I spent dressed, sadly I was also wet as it rained most of the day too. This was a right pain and rather sapped the spirits but also was in a way nice as suggested the girl was for "the working week" and that in some way experiencing negative things like being wet, a messy wig and less than perfect makeup you are getting closer to the genuine female experience. Well perhaps.  The running tights from Sweaty Betty are probably slightly too large but will use them happily. Along with the Fatface bag they are quality products which she deserves. Tomorrow is Trans Pride Brighton. I will be there. Today I bought new flat shoes, not sandals but even so. Saw a nice dress in M and S but too expensive. There is a disco on the evening, will have to see about that one. Going in heels on a train and walking for a long time does not work. Coiuld put them in the bag but that rather spoils the effect rather. Disappointed by the camera, suspect willnot get a cornocupia of fab shots after all. There is still the day in London and the walk, along with doing Brighton and Hove. Hopefully even a run too. The weather forecast suggests saturday will be OK but it will take until wednesday for things to not be wet. The 3 litre Camelbak looks optimistic. Would like to do the Underpass walk dressed, will use the long wig but no baseball cap. The primary recce of the Orangery does not look good. Its still all to play for butt he weather is being a bit naughty.

Ready For The Off

Well the fuel and O2 is being pumpedinto the tanks and its t - 1 hour, we are nearly good to go. Still stuff to do but only small things now, as ever it is those which make or break us. Basically started at 6 pm tonight and by 8.30 it was nearly done. The car has 3 big bags of Paige in the boot to stay hidden, the arms have been epilated, the pack is nearly full, there will be one more look at the stuff tomorrow and hope to lose more but that is unlikely. Feel an awful lot better must say. Tomorrow will be vile but it has to be endured. At least it will be first class. The back has been waxed, that went easier than expected.
Putting music onto the new Walkman, not too very impressive but hope will do the job.  Ipad full of tracks, mostly books. The Samsung S3 has been unlocked, £15 and a £20 unlimited 1 month GiffGaff SIM card. It may or may not have needed unlocking mid August so thats OK. The £24 for the lsat month would only have got 500Mb so going to have to live with that.
Would like to put some false nails on when down there, we shall see. Want to do the run, that is important, cannot find cap nor have I sorted out the pigtail either. Tomorrow will se which wigs go down with me. Need it all to go well, really do.

PreHoliday Blues

Male me did a run, LGBT 5 K on friday, 25 mins 40 seconds, oops. Well there were a lot of photographers around and I was on several pics. Except it was not me, it was this old guy with sunken cheeks, lines from nose to mouth and an odd smile.  The run looked bad too. OK I thought it was enough to have good legs and be thin but these pics were rather crushing, looked old; lots of white hair, but also very male. It had rather taken the wind out if my Trans sails. OK I accept its in the mind rather than the body bit even so. The last time I was out was in February which was the unpleasantness at TKMaxx. Learnt from  that, get the makeup right, use more foundation setting powder. There is also the issue of proper footwear, may need to buy some new shoes, quite like the idea of sandals but not sure toes up to it.
The thing is I could only have overhyped this holiday, its the big one, the one the girl gets to be herself for extended periods, there is the sense of things could happen. OK lets be realistic, they very probably will not. I will be out dressed, do all the usual things, be quietly disappointed not seeing other Tgirls, there will be no sexual activity, I will not pass, I will be in a coffee shop on thursday and think "crap, only 2 days to go." I will have some bladder grief, will do the walk. There will be too much drink, too much sitting by myself in pubs and bars, being ignored in Legends, too much coffee. There will be cold draughts on my legs at sainsburys, going to St Barthelomews, a pic in the mirror at the museum, a lot of walking, Hove museum, starting to feel it is normal.
What can not be quantified is the unknown, by defination almost, ever since the girl clumped up Southover road in big boots I have sensed the "possibility" in the air. Its not happened and probably will not, I do not know how to tap in to it. Perhaps its not there.  The girl in Morrisons in the boots again, buying herbs and ingredients, oh to be her.
There will be a day in London, that will be interesting. It may be time to try somewhere else but where? Manchester lacked the vibe somehow, so did Liverpool. San Francisco, Venice? Lets laugh at that one.
The bottom line is that for personal sanity do need the time to dress, no matter where it is.

Independence day

Its 10.00 pm on saturday night and I am wearing crop top, shorts and TV stick makeup.  Earlir I managed to finally do the July 4th pics and pleasantly surprised by them even if a lot of lens flare on some.
In just under 3 weeks I will be in Brighton and starting to think in earnst about how to get the most from it. So will need to get the back waxed, probablynot a spray tan, check the clothes, buy some more contact lenses and no doubt a lot of other things. Ideally wanted a wig but that is unlikely to happen now. If I can find a pair of sandals with a cushioned sole might get them. Flip flops may be an option but not sure toes up to it. If use the flats will need to put some insole in. Reasonably confient a run is possible but need to do more work on the hair.
There was a real relunctance to dress, as ever. Used the TV sticks, really need more powder but show potential, certainly for pics. The exercise and dieting appears to have paid off in the pics. Sadly the makeup skills need more work, but how? Might be an idea to get a MAC makeover, again, try not to spend to much money.
The hair on my arms has started to really bug me. Taken a little off but will need to get rid of it all. Bit of a battle on XHamster but ultimately suspect the days of me on it for hours has gone.

The face looks older, the creases are all to obvious, sadly must accept them. Also the hands too. Been plucking the eyebrows again, it all helps.  I no longer really believe that there is going to be any more blinding realisations but prepared to be wrong. There is a sense that I now pretty well know where I am and where I would like to go. The hard bit os going to be getting there.