Not getting any easier!

Just had a dressing session, no makeup, no pics.  It was so hard mentally.  Really psychologically difficult, not sure why, it certainly was very affecting.  Too fat, really need to lose 1/2 a stone if possible.  Fretted about size of hands, big rib cage and muscle showing but the new wig was a real result.  Its really a big psychological thong to do, but is increasingly important too.  Must tidy up now, shoes all over the place, the Axford's corset, the over bust one, needs dry cleaning, that will be a battle.
There might be the possibility of  a saturday or sunday soon.  That would be wonderful.   Been posting XHamster pics on Flickr, just for friends and family, good response but must stop it really.  Good fun though!

Picture Perfect

In 1984  I remember wearing a tshirt pulling it tight and thinking with as sense of shock, I look like a girl, as I had a feminine figure.  Oh dear.  Another thing I had started doing was shaving my pubic hair. Also some simple anal play. 
On two occasions I took pics of myself naked, with an erection.  Fortunately I had a decent SLR and a flash unit, also access to a darkroom so it was not too difficult for me, though I still wonder where a couple of the frames went!   Though Amateur Photographer advertised people happy to develop and print such pics, for a price, it must have been a bit ofa battle for the "Readers Wives " pics.  Then there was the stigma about it.  Remember a documentary about Page 3 models and one saying they would take a quick peek at the pic in the paper and close it quickly.  Even today some poor sad girl commited suicide over being in a pornographic video. Today the technology is much easier and the "selfie" is all over the place, thought the term does not refer to pornographic pics. ly enjoying Looking at some pics, pornographic, of slightly older women, saw that slightly rictus smile, that uneasy pose, that sense of not really enjoying it and doing it for their partner.  Which is a bit sad and not really a pic you want to see.  By contrast the younger girls do seem to be enjoying the idea and happy with it, the body language looks much more happier.  The Tgirls pics typically fall into the latter catergory, we want to be seen, to be seen as sexual objects and enjoy it. Almost in a sense, pics of the Me209 bursting into flames as seen through the gun cameras, I was there I did that, a sense of achievement.  Which is is when you think about it.

Alternative Tales

Twice now I have Facebook'ed a suggestion for a song to Absolute 80's and on one occassion heard it but the announcer Matthew Rudd said it was someone else who asked for it.  Well, I suggested PhD- I Won't Let You Down Again.  Heard it played and even got name checked, "delighted to play it" he said.  1982.  Possibly some people heard Paige's name and had an image of a girl in a pub, blonde perm, Lady Di flat shoes, too much red lipstick, getting a bright coloured jacket and jeans. Probably a CND badge, one of those army inspired side bags in a cotton weave.  Even a rolled up cigarette, bright lipstick. Its mid week and out after a day at University. Of course I would be happy with a ska inspired black and white top, short black skirt, black tights and white stilletoes.  Big dangly earrings, bobbed hair, arguably dyed black and a plastic hairband.  In a Brighton pub, of course, with mates; both male and female, doing a degree at Sussex. Tall and thin, Gina McKee accent, well sort of, still Wearside.  Doing maths or Physics, bit shy but determined.  Long, thin fingers. Jogging in Stanmer park.  Up on a saturday, jog, shower, out with girlfriends shopping, looking in shops.
Of course Paige is a new name which would be unlikely then.  Its rather nice that there might be a past Paige, in an alternative universe, who just was there.  There you have it.  If things had gone right I suppose I would have been an OK male or female but either way the alternative me would not have known anything different.   If transition happened how long would it take before it "just was" and the other issues of existing kicked in? 
Did a photosession last sunday.  Later, looking at the pics, there was one of me in white holdups which just looked natural and right. Sapphire has been very much rattling about in side me this week, almost painfully so.  Lets not be under any illusion, the estrofem made me much happier and Paige was much more quieter paraodoxically. It is increasingly likely will be going back on them.  It really is quite bad sometimes.
Had a thought this week, possibly when running, have the Post Paige years made me happier?  Decided the answer is a "yes."  In 1995 was on a station, not Widnes but outside Liverpool, there was a poster about counselling, knew there was a lot wrong with me mentally and thought about counselling.  OK there is the Aspergers, possibly, but would the GID have come out then?  If it had where would it have led?  Alternatvely, lets say I met alt me and we got on, what would that have led to?

You have to now what you want before you..

There are online sites such as second life where you design an avator and interact with fellow avators.  I spend a lot of time on line, being Sapphire but do not interact, and it has become apparent that this is my second life.  Sadly I want it as my first life but probably not the blisters on feet, ding makeup bit which all too often gets forgotten.  In Summer 2014 will get to do it for real.
I have a belief that if you want to do something badly enough you will sacrifice whatever it takes and do what is required.  If you do not then basically you did not want it enough.  Too smplistic I accept but how often do we hide behind excuses to not do things?
So I want to be slim but am eating too much and have love handles.  I have a lovely Axford corset while I "muffin top" in.  I want to lose weight, know how to and have done it in the past but now it seems to elude me. The word is dissonance. 
Curiously I am able to do a lot of running and take the grief so it is not totally couch potato mode. Another post describing a situation but with no remedy or course of action.

Hair Raising

Had chance to dress on friday but apart from nightie and kimono did not.   Th On saturday bought a new wig, more soon, wanted to see how it looked.  Skirt, top, panties, bra, silicones, heels, easy. Not really as really affected me quite badly.  Friday night looking at porn, surely not, got a very hard erection.  Disturbing, wanted it to go away really strongly, never had that before, quite a shock, surprise.  The wig was £20, in the burgandy colour I have ordered from China, probably same wig, nice bob good level on forehead, if the left side manages to curl correctly could have a new best wig.  Could well be good for Brighton. Went into Wig Cabin in Newcastle, no joy but woman remembered me, which was nice. 
After run had a bath tonight, right nipple piercing lost. Tried to use a taper to open it up with no joy at all.  Going to have to let it heal and think.  Possibly might be OK to do in Brighton but only 7 weeks. It would be the third time and might be best to call it a day. 
The estrofem is really out of my body, its not good at all. Paige is very bouncy and the erections I could do without.  The new razor shaves very close which is nice but getting razor burn. Sould be OK for Brighton though.  Do keep wondering about laser on remaining stubble, might still do some good. 
Will need to get back done and St Tropez tan for Brighton.  Possibly also the remaining scrotal ladder and the ladybird tidied up.  Thinking about lizard tatto but ideally at Skin Candy, Brighton.

Probably the best a girl can get

Managed to make the support group last night.  In many ways it is like a snug in a pub; we talk about cars, planes, tell jokes and watch youtube it can be quite a pleasant evening if it were in a pub.  The point is we are all dressed en femme but it is not a female atmosphere.  I did have a hope it would be full of cosmetic tips, fashion advice and other such vital information. This was probably an error on my part for now I suspect support groups are a group of people, a person with some training and ability to access further support, if required.  None of our small group seem to be in distress or uncomfortable about being trans either, which is good. It is a good question as to what I get from the group, or contribute, but it seems to help.
Summer 2014 is going to be a compromise again.  Last year was supposed to be the gold standard but,its fair to say now, was badly let down by the accommodation.  Do need a good nights sleep, in a real sense the rest is secondary, warm, shower, place to put makeupon, ideally a full length mirror.  Sitting in legends bar, drinking white wine spritzers and being ignored, Ok but not paying that much money for.  So, hopefully, it will be U of Brighton thursday to tuesday, pack and Sussex University tuesday till saturday.  Chance to do some good runs; the Brighton rottingdean path springs to mind and Stanmer park. 
A total stonker success accommodation would probably be Premier Inn but that would be too expensive.

Back in the saddle

Got the chance to dress today, not too often at the moment, and had decided against taking pics.  Put on makeup, tried Kryolan plastic putty for eyebrows, not a success but see how it could be.  Took it off and used Kryolan stick for foundation.  When first started this was used a lot, only later switched to liquid The TV stick is said to be good for photos or TV, hence the name and it has a high coverage. In the real world it looks too obviously made up and is a pain to remove.  Having said that did get the feeling that some of the older pics I looked younger could be partly down to the use of kryolan stick. 
Get the feeling a couple of times, not shaking but certainly something.  Have not had the cold water instomach for some time, say a few years.

Been off the hormones, not a large dose anyway for over a week.  Morning erections are back, orgasms different, stronger and erections more solid.  Its not good but could be worse.  Possibly urine smells different.  waiting for hair to be more greasy again.  It is probably fair to say that the estrofem kept the girl in check to an extent. 

The am of doing a run en femme meant getting female running equipment and then possibly doing the walk en femme has consolided this.  The foreign woman I saw in York cathedral has become a role model possibly for me. Needs a bit of work but could be the way to go.