Had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago. I either have late onset gender dysphoria, its allways been there but only expressing itself as dressing now, its some form of Aspergers (new idea but could be) or its something else again. OK I can definetly date dressing to my early 40's, couple of possible sightings in early 20's but thats it. If you go with the its allways been there theory then you could argue my social presentation has feminine elements from a very early date. Actually this would also fit in with the Aspergers theory. Its tricky and difficult to untangle. OK now for the good bit. It is fair to say I am where I am today, I do need to do it, do enjoy it and it fills a certain hole in my life. Granted it is expensive but cannot really say there are any negatives to it. Interestingly its had 4 years plus and is only stronger, its probably not going away. Probably not going to transition to be honest. So lets put the "where has it come from" theorising on hold in lieu of further information and just go for it, just let it happen and enjoy it. What I have done is basically removed the idea that only by knowing what it is caused by dictates how I act going forward in the future. Its saying, cue Joe Jackson, just "go for it." What has changed possibly is that the counselling has made me happy with what and where I am so I do not need to know the cause. Neat solution eh! OK it may well be revised in the light of new evidence but it has the feeling of "if it looks right it is right" to me.
As a large chiunk of this blog will attest I came late to the party. This means a boatload of things but my face over the last few years has started to show my age. 10 years ago I looked significantly younger than I was. Now I cannot say that. There are lines under my eyes, big lines between nose and mouth and the skin has lost elasticity. Of course I am still thin and so if I put on weight some would go to the face and it might help. That is not an option, I hope. Big thing coming up belt up tightly. Perhaps the point is that it is becoming internal, to me, that Sapphire is inside, I do not need to dress, though it helps, so possibly I may look my age but I now know who I am and that is enough. Its not and it would be great to look young but its not going to happen anytime soon. I do not define myself as much by how I look but how I am. Be yourself be old but me you.
In 4 weeks I shall be nearly ready for Sapphire does Brighton. 10 days of potential and possibility. Yes, I will be on holiday and Sapphire will be out in daylight. As ever, anticipation is better than reality but there are certain things it is fair to expect. Definitely drinking dressed in Legends bar, at least a couple of days out as Sapphire (though hopefully several more), visit to ALison Dale's; all good stuff. Turning to the probables; meeting Stella, evening at Kims or Kats, makeover at MAC's. Now the possiblies but less likely; meeting Rebecca, evening out dressed, clubbing as Sapphire. Then there are the unexpected things that you hope might just happen. Last Brighton was a prime example of this but have to put one'self in the right place first. Hope it all goes well. Not sure about wednesday in London, depends but possible I suppose. Getting a bit excited now! Part of the problem is that have moved on so far so expect more and hope for more. Possibly even Clare Project though that is much more unlikely. Of course it could all be a fiasco but do so hope not.