Monday, 26 August 2013


Mentioned briefly needing a new bag. Bought one at Oxfam £9, DKNY stamped on it.  Slightly too small.  Had hoped for a Wolfram Lohr bag but they are too expensive, sadly.  Already the tides of time are moving the memories to new shapes.  Its looking a success.  In Waitrose with a bag, remembering to say "and yourself" when chatting to cashiers in Sainsburys and Morrisons.  Feeling embarassed my voice is not better. Thats the problem though. Say I got the voice spot on, not going to happen but move on, nobody was shocked when I spoke, "wow it is not a female after all."  Presumably they had "read me" already but were too polite.  Two possible things here.  Either it was not a big deal for them, preferred option, or else I had already advertised myself as male.  Several people I talked to were happy to go with "mate" in a friendly manner yet I was presenting as female.  Nobody was being nasty or anything so lets put it down to ignorance.  No big hangover yet.  Could have a good dressing session yesterday but worked in the garden instead.  The thought that I do not need to go fulltime is on the one hand a good thing but also a sense that I have, in some way, failed. Nonsense of course.  If anything its either that my mind will not allow the possibility or its clearly wrong.  It still hangs there that I am not really TS/TG and started too late.  Nonsense of course, hopefully.

Sunday, 25 August 2013

Thats entertainment

Just hit me.  Its the normal things now.  Shopping in Sainsburys and Morrisons.  Thats what you remember.  Not the big tranny party things, not that I did any of them, but the normal being a real person stuff. Needing a big bag, finding stuff in your bag, what shall Ihave for tea.  OK I am on holiday but there is a lot of the real grit of reality. Be using a laundrette en femme dressed.  That's as normal as it gets. Its not like skiing, getting a kick out of wearing the salpettes because of what you do in them is so amazing but because it is so normal.  OK you are dressed, so what?  Get on with your life.  You are bored, good.  You do not get a kick out of the clothes,  real women, ok bad term, do not get a kick out of dressing normal but out of what they do. One bottle of Pinot Grigio and a bottle of Poachers beer and out it comes, like laying a golden egg.

A police car and a screaming siren -
A pneumatic drill and ripped up concrete -
A baby wailing and stray dog howling -
The screech of brakes and lamp light blinking -
That's Entertainment.
A smash of glass and a rumble of boots -
An electric train and a ripped up 'phone booth -
Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat -
Lights going out and a kick in the balls -
That's Entertainment.
Days of speed and slow time Mondays -
Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday -
Watching the news and not eating your tea -
A freezing cold flat and damp on the walls -
That's Entertainment.
Waking up at 6 a.m. on a cool warm morning -
Opening the windows and breathing in petrol -
An amateur band rehearsing in a nearby yard -
Watching the tele and thinking about your holidays -
That's Entertainment.
Waking up from bad dreams and smoking cigarettes -
Cuddling a warm girl and smelling stale perfume -
A hot summer's day and sticky black tarmac -
Feeding ducks in the park and wishing you were far away -
That's Entertainment.
Two lovers kissing amongst the scream of midnight -
Two lovers missing the tranquility of solitude -
Getting a cab and travelling on buses -
Reading the graffiti about slashed seat affairs -
That's Entertainment.

Retail Therapy

Did a bit of tidying out in the kitchen cupboard and found 3 packs of Nespresso capsules with an expiry date of 2008.  This took me back to carrying a big blue "parachute bag" around east London in the dark having been to Doreens Fashions.  Walthamstow last stop on the tube. Jodie used to be near Black Horse, Seven Sisters tube station on the same line.  I made either 2 or 3, not certain, trips to Doreens.  At the time the idea of shoping in a normal shop was impossible.  So it was either Lacies, Brighton, or Doreens.  Remember looking at the website and making a list.  The green corset which ended up at A****** was bought there, as was the breast forms and the foam breast forms, and several wigs.  The first 2 times I spent an rather large £300 there on each occasion. Spent over £200 at Lacies once if not twice.  The far too large breast forms were £120.  The second time got a "free" makeup it of Chinese cosmetics which all leaked into each other and I binned.  It is important to say they were totally genuine and did not attempt to rip you off with the prices even though they were pricey and the "land that style forgot."    Another time got free earings.  The handkerchief dress, the short high heeled boots and 2 pairs of black shiny heels. The cubicles had photocopied letters from tgirls who gushed how great the assistants were.  No doubt genuinely, there are so very few places where you could go.  The white marilyn dress.  The padded underpants, Kayolin stick, Jodie asking what number saying they all hate each other, a pair of  heeled sandals.  One time I hit Kings Cross from home, put the pack in left luggage and headed to Walthamstow to spend money. Within 4 hours of hitting London the trip was a success.  It all went into the blue bag mentioned earlier and over the shoulder.  Was late to who I was staying with, mobile calls were exchanged.  When asked about the blue bag said it contained, amongst other things, Nespresso capsules.  Not impossible as they  could only be bought at certain stores and did but them in london, yellow paper store bag leaps to mind.  It also shows the lies and self deception you are prepared to do.  A lot of Doreens stuff was put in a charity bag and went down to "Help for Heroes."  Good luck with the handkerchief dress.  Love the idea of another tranny going in there, seeing shoes size8-9 hoovering the lot up.  be careful with the boots, one of the eyelets will rip your nylons given half the chance.Now I only started at 45, say, imagine starting at a teenager, what memories, what experiences in depth would you have.  Amazing really.

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Punkturing the fog

Got the left nipple repierced today.. Bit more painful than expected.  Was totally relaxed about the whole business breathing out then it hurt but only briefly.  Ideally like to get PA repierced but well we shall see.  Coming off the estrofem seems to be OK so far.  Brighton 2013 has not bitten me on the bum which may be a result of it not be4ing perceived as a massive success or it early days or for other reasons, but that is probably a good thing but watch this space.  One week into the diet, early days, need to give it say 2 months to do any real benefit.  Losing the coffebreak chocolate is only a good thing, not so sure about the evening tea and biscuit.  Need really to take comfort from small things.  Need to do more pilates and gym. 
Wear'out on tuesday.  Always feel the benefit of it  but its a diminishing returns thing. 
looked at Flickr stream.  First thing which struck me was how few pics have posted since Xmas then how much skin I am showing.  Not the image I want to put over.  Mind you not too many photo sessions this year.  This year not quite sure how it is shaping up.

This is me at the Marlborough after Clare Project.  That is how it should be, but is not.  The question is how much effort am I prepared to put in to get there and how much sacrifice would be required.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Antibodies and Bodies

While down at Brighton I noticed a free dropin session for HIV/HepA, B, C and Syphillis testing run by Terence Higgins.  Was not sure about going, still not sure, but did.  Interestingly it was on a monday and felt bit odd about putting male clothes on.  If had been better with times would have put makeup on and dressed but was not sadly.  In the late 80's I worked in virology and carried out such tests myself.  During that time HIV was a death sentence and Hep B could be very bad news too.  We all had, partly due to the training and government information, real concerns about being exposed to bodily fluids; blood, semen etc.  Interestingly today porn and other areas seem to be a lot more relaxed about semen, which I think is a mistake.  Oral sex is not seen as risky which is very probably wrong.  Prostitutes seem to be more clued up, rolling off condoms, putting them and any tissues carefully into a plastic bad, typing it and disposing of it carefully. 
My track record would not put me at a significant risk of being positive but it takes only 1 contact.  Reassuringly I was negative for all which was not a surprise but still nice to have it confirmed.  There was a lack of a moral dimension which is necessary and correct but deep down I did feel having multiple sexual partners in a single session is not wrong or for censore but that there should be some aspect of taking responsability for your actions and how it affects other people.   I felt, again, old as if it was only the young doing these acts.  They reccommended a Hep A vaccination which I will chase up but really not very sexual active and its not a significant aspect of my psyche.

Had to copy the Proms 2013 pics to another file yesterday and spent a few minutes looking through them.  You are 16, female, your parents are spending significant amounts of money on dress, hair, makeup, shoes and nails so the resultant pics were worth some consideration, even if only from a sociological point of view.  So, what conclusions did I draw?  First off there are girls who I know to be attractive in the flesh but the pics, taken from digital cameras of varying qualities, really failed to show this.  Hardly any girls looked significantly pretty.  The camera can most definately lie. There were all shapes and sizes of females but few thin or even what would be considered usual size.  Most were, even if slightly, overweight but also quite small in height.  There were some quite ugly ones, facially.  They all looked older than usual.  There was very little sense of what "I look good in" or joined up thinking regarding the whole dress, hair, shoes ensemble.  Rather I like that dress I will wear it, I like those shoes even if they are platform heels.  Few seemed to have got it all together well.  Lots of leg and skin was shown even if it was not a good idea.  More "I have shown my legsrather than "I have good legs I will show them."  Ultimatly I was left with the sense money had not bought the desired look as well as it might have.  Then again all of them did look female and not male at all.  You can see pics of thin trans girls who have done it all right from makeup to dress but still there is something which says male when looked at.  It is worth saying the only genuinely pretty female pic was from several years ago and she had gone for a classical look.  As ever, this is a terribly sexist way of looking at them, it ignores intelligence, kindness and so many other factors which are important but still is an important analysis for trans girls who need to get the look right. Sadly there was nothing to take from the pics for a 6ft 2 in trans except that pics lie.

Saturday, 17 August 2013

That was Brighton 2013

I have been back from Brighton for 24 hours so it is reasonable to have a first pass at what happened and how successful it was. Well the train left Preston Park and was I ready, pack on back for the bleep out of the door and go, go, go?  No, actually someone else had their pack over mine so that did not happen.  There was no big sense of excitement either.   Sadly the room was a very big disappointment, noisy road, small, could not sleep this really spoilt things quite badly. Expensive too, £75 per night.  Do think must either go back to University of Brighton, cheap but a pain in certain aspects or find somewhere else.  A week at a Premier Inn would be much more.  Seven days ws not really long enough.  If did go back to U of Brighton could stay longer.  There is the question about whether going back to Brighton is a good option anyway.  Lets move on.  The meeting with S***** was a bit of a flop, not without certain comedy value but perhaps was hoping for too much.  Then again, she is my entry into Brighton tranny life so badly needed so still being in a bar waiting was nice, pizza was nice so lets say 6 out of 10.  Claire project was a good success.  met and chatted very well, couple of drinks.  If I did not need to see S***** might have been more, possibly, possibly not but certainly a result.  Possibly even a pub quiz.
Out dressed on saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday and thursday.  Went to University of Sussex, train.  No buses or walk to Rottingdean or go to Lewes.  Usually not getting out till 1030 or 11 am and generally back by 5 for a quick nap or whatever.  Then out again.  Did not spend much time at bar at Legends.It all went so well.  Couple people asked me for help, possibly got complemented by builder, odd one that.  Shame about abdomem being so obvious, need to lose a bit of weight.  Some pics suggest wrinkles getting worse.  Sandals would help, bigger bag to.  The wigs were not ideal either and a good wig would be nice.  No Mary Tyler Moore moment but kept looking for it.  Several good moments.  As it gets cooler the bladder kicks in.  Reduce coffee and wear  a vest possibly.  Still got worried about work, not good.  Was very careful with money no big purchases.  No dressing service.  Not sure about that one.  A better quieter room would have helped a lot, been more relaxed and hopefully face better.  The bugout was surprisingly stress free, not sure why but very good, possibly think about a bag on wheels.  The gin did at least mean the hangovers were not as violent.
The Terence Higgins HIV, Hep B test came from nowhere and was not really expected to find anything but still good to have done. 
So first pass bottom line.  A qualified success.  It is accepted the definition of success has risen very significantly.  Will be revisiting this topic so stay tuned.

Monday, 5 August 2013

Role models

Spent a satisfactory day in York.  Got there bt btrain which was not especially painful. Last there in December bought some too small shoes from Oxfam,  think, shame.  Well, that was surprising was the Paige "buzz." looking at what women wear, their shoes and  leggings.  It was really unexpectly strong.  Suppose should have looked at the 50 year olds but looked at younger girls.  Went into MAC did not buy anything but cold have been close. Not sure what we will find in Brighton but it was a shock. 
Getting a St Tropez spray tan tomorrow, well we shall see.  Rained badly today so it might wash off. Do 1 wheel of estrofem, need to buy some more, or do I...

Sunday, 4 August 2013


On thursday morning I shall put my 100 L rucksack on my back and go to Brighton, possibly Godalming on thursday.  So saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday and thursday and down as potential dressing days. Hoping for Claire project, hoping to meet S*****.  What else?  No K**s party sadly.  No dressing service.  Hopefully moved on.  Only 5 days.  last year did better but need to cut back.  Hope to do U of Sussex again, Lewes the gardens, The Signalman, Eaton and Nott, possibly Duke of York's, Andrea's grave possibly.  Its not enough.  Its also going to be interesting so see how I react to it all.  Mentally things have been happening.  On friday will pass Preston park, put on pack, there will be a beep the doors will open and I will hit the platform. Its th3e Zulu time as I see it. What can In do now that makes it more successful, what will make a difference?  Getting a spray tan, had back waxed  all positives.  Possible would like to meet in Tv Chix, in Angels. Five days out  of so many months, its not good.