Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Hitting the bocage again

For the third year running at 11. 58. m minutes - 2 the ships batteries stopped, they released the LST and at t = 0 the sound of stiletteos could be heard as the ramps descended on the beaches of  the new year and the Tgirls who had no particular choice in the matter but to move forward ran forward, makeup fixed to engage the new year and a hostile or at least indifferent public to secure MAC, shoe shops and bars in that order of minimum victory conditions.
Not sure about the panic I had today, may be justified, may be the estrofem talking but did do it.  As Big Ben sounded |I wore 4 inch heels, a nightie  and a kimono.  I also punched the air, having been, dressed, wearing makeup, posted pics to show it happened and ready to give 2014 a good kicking.  Hopefully February will be Brighton, need it badly.

Monday, 30 December 2013

Report Sheet for 2013

I suppose by rights  I should be doing this tomorrow but I might be busy or something else so I am starting it tonight.  2013 for Sapphire, good or bad? First off 2012 was a very good year and not just because the bar was set so low.  So in February we had Brighton, day at A*****s, good pics, 2 days in the freezing cold, the moment at the Signalman.  Interestingly it was the last visit to A*****s so sense of something there.  Moving on.  Did not realise April was trip to TB****.  That was a success and under certain conditions could be repeated.  Holiday 2013 has a sense of failure which is probably wrong. The room mainly, too few days, no dressing service, no sexual activity and the odd meeting with St**** and the taxi driver.  However it was 6 days solid dressing doing it 24 hours, the HIV/HepB test and there a few good things apart from the obvious usual things.  Sitting at St Peters eating lunch seems to stand out as does The Armoury.  Morrisons, Waitrose, University of Sussex, possibly the bar is higher now.  Moving on, no November holiday for financial reasons.  Weight, well went from 12 st 3 ib to 11, 2lb before moving quickly back up!  the running probably helps a lot. So leaving 2013 with a better body than started it, result.  Hormones, yes well, started, stopped, started, stopped, started.  Still no long term plan. 
Support group, well still useful but arguably less so.  If the new co support worker stays could be less good. 
The new camera, bad, bad, bad.  Not getting too many chances to dress and take pics.  Then again pics seem less important and curiously neither does dressing, its much more internal now.
Face looks older and there is a sense of moving on. Also a big sense my looks have gone and going to have to accept that and move on.  Not good that one, very bitter pill.
Suppose there is a sense things have to progress, to move forward but to what goal, what is the final aim?  I am prepared to give 2013 7.5 out of 10 tranny points.  In some ways it was good, in some ways it was treading water, in some ways it was less than 2012.  Perhaps, ultimatly, we have to say just being in the game is enough, to go out dressed is more than many get.  Yes thats a bit of a cop out really but there we are. 
OK 2014?  February should be, assuming other things do not intervene, Brighton again.  Holiday 2014, far away in time yes but needs some thinking about.  Not Legends, no way, possibly University of Brighton. OK lots of things there, we shall see.
So  as 2013 ebbs away lets cal it a conslodation year in which gains were secured and limited advances made.  Today I bought a Laura slouch bag from Fatface. Ideally wanted the Lohr Wolfram bag at £400 but that was not an option, Laura bag at £90, not an option either. Laura bag at £40, result.  So with the smell of leather in my nostrils and something to use in 2014 lets put our shoulders back, tits out, smile and walk forward to the future, there will be MAC, possibly Bobbi Box, definately shoes and Pinot Grigio.

Friday, 27 December 2013

Second go

Arguably this should be in other blog but as it involves genitals it is here.  For under 3 months last september I had a Prince Albert piercing which I loved but had to go as the foreskin was anchored down permantly.  Anyway today I went to the place which absolutely trashed my yin/yan tattoo and had it repierced.  So far it seems to be much better placed and, hopefully, will last. Also got some advice regarding the scrotal ladder.  The thing is the original piercer I had a lot of time for but there had been warning signs I suppose. Yet you do have to trust people.  Interestingly nearly didnot go.  The bowels started playing up and the IBS kicked in. Had a coffee and felt sufficiently better to go for it.  If all goes well it may be replaced with a curved bar.  We shall see.  Yet to have anerection and see whether the ring is sufficiently large.  Interetsingly a largish vien was noticed on the right side oft he frenulum which apparently is rare.  The foreskin used to be very tight and there is the tale of the false memory.  Not convinced about the ladybird tattoo but really need to get the guy to see it if it needs touching up.
This will probably be my last piercing, famous last words of course but unless do extreme genital or ears piercings we have reached a conclusion.
What else? Well could do with a dressing session.  The Xmas card was OK but nothing more. As ever doing something is bette than nothing but feel it could have been better.  The lips basically and the post processing.  Really need to nail the vintage lingerie properly.  New Years eve is still possible and it would be good for a third year running.  Do Durham, nice meat, cava, dress, possibly even a pic up at flickr, good way to start the new year.

Tuesday, 24 December 2013

Bit of carbon dating.

Transister was 2009, Lacies 1 was 2007. So Boudoir 1 was 2008. Nov 2011 was first 2 days out as Paige at Legends.  The first flight of the P1 was 2008.  Tranny party was first 2009.  Meeting at Hove place would have been summer 2011, probably that last date.

Just a quick one!  Transister was 2009, Lacies (1) was 2007.  Clare project 1 was 2009.  So the first time out, very briefly as paige, was probably 2008. 2008 would have been The Boudoir, February.  Met J---- in Transister 2009 , "seeing you on monday" she said.  Moving on 2011 November was Legends out for 2 days

There and back, there and back

If i run my hands through my hair it feels finer, probably due to the change in oil production. Certainly more emotional and nipples more sensitive.  The problem is its not like puberty, thee is no Boy into Man or in this case " Man into Woman leaflet to say to expect this.  OK there sort of is but it doesn ot have a set ending and has been induced by myself and I can stop it.  Puberty had no such option.  IF I were fulltime and under a GP or GIP then things would be different.  Lets say I up to 4mg per day, liver holds firm then good for 4 -5 months before some breast growth, possibly much longer. What then?  Stop, go back again?  Is this how it is going to be?  No answers but questions.
It is tuesday night.  Have not dressed since the Supprt group Xmas party 7 days ago.  Not good at all.Personally hope the new girl who is suppoed to be assistant in charge tones it down or goes away.  To brash and loud. 
New Years Eve is still looking probable.  No guarantees but possible.  Thats a good thing.   In previous years I had a La Sensa day where I could dress and possibly some pics.  may yet happen.  Not the black boxes, the tissue paper, the little pouch of scented granules.  Done very well so far in the last couple of months.  Possibly a quick look at Ann Summers if they have a sale. February is not yet definatly happening but had to make arrangements now.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

The bar keeps raising

Well the big day has been and almost gone and it was a failure.  Started late, had to go to Aldi, interesting chat on XHamster and then started with the christmas card pic.  The camera was a right pain.  Basically it would not fire as per the remote app on the  netbook.  Set 10 shots might get 4.  Standing there, posing, waiting for flash to fire.  OK battled through all that looked at pics, something wrong.  Copied to laptop, oh dear.  The yes, Aldi's Smoky eyes, did not work but the lips were awful.  Ruby Woo is a tricky colour but the shape was so off.  Tried to change it half way through with no joy.  Had to give up on pics. 
The camera, well, on the plus side the flare problem has been sorted but thats about it.  Need a lot of thought.  If there was a remote could burn off the pics but there is not.  May have to think about taking a hit and changing it.  Itas not good. OK there are other questions regarding the dressing and taking pics, this ignores bigger, strucrural questions. I get limited time to dress and its been a failure.  Cannot really sustain that on a longer term basis. 

Friday, 13 December 2013

Waiting, waiting waiting

Support group on thuesday.  New place bigger and nicer.  Better changing room.  Going to have a buffet next tuesday with a "bran tub."  That will be nice.  Not sure as ever what I get out of the meetings but in some way they do help.  Ideally would put some makeup on but never do.  Hope to do some pics on sunday, should get enough time to sort out the lens flare and nail the 60's lingerie.  The estrofem has kicked in an the erections have decreased, result.
Bought final tickets for Brighton Spring 2014.  Unless something really nasty happens it should go down.  Three days of dressing will be good and very necessary.  Little worried about the new boots being too tight.  Hopefully loosen up.  Also bit of grief over a brown leather tote bag.  Wolfram Lohr has one at £300, too expensive, saw one for £97 at FatFace.  Still to expensive but its become a sign of not going full time which is bugging me a bit.



Sunday, 8 December 2013

Flat Battery

For the third sunday running I have been able to dress and for the second week running the pics have failed and I have been able tosalvage something.  Last time it was lens flare, this time it was the batteries failing on the Sony flash.  Half suspected it migth happen but did niot believe all 3 sets of rechargable batteries would be flat!  Tried and failed to find other alkaline batteries.  Then tried to use mains flash but would not syncronise and finally called it a day.  Tried a smoky eye look but not really successful.  Also used the MAC StudioSculpt which seemed slightly dark.Next sunday is the big one, all day.  Must be up to speed for that. Not really sure what going to do, possibly better background, build a bit of a set, we shall see.  Ideally do a Xmas card. Hopefully not show too much skin in all the pics. 
Had too much to eat today having stopped the diet.  Getting slightly worried the february holidays may be a bit of a battle to get off.  Do need it though.  Decided against an evening at York, not really sure why.  New Years Eve will be the next big one, high hopes for that one.


Saturday, 7 December 2013

So far and no further

This morning I went on the scales.  11st 2,something it said.  OK I had been drinking and peeing so a diauretic effect and bit lower in weight but that was it. Granted later in the day it said 11 st 3 something but there was a sense that it was all over.  OK it was not just the first stage.  Can start having biscuits and other treats but do need to be sensitive to notgoing back to the old ways.  OK we are realistic that weight varies over the day and is not a constant. Also that the body today is more muscular and thinner so weight is only one metric in going with size.  So did I lose a stone, 14 lb?  Possibly but no guarantee.  last time I say I was 12 3/4 down to 11 st 2 lb but again question marks remain over the scales.  It took a lot longer but was not running or overly exercising but not taking the whey protein either.  Feel the cold a bit more and do feel more tired.  The weight was too high this time and hope to keep to 11 1/2 st. We shall see.  However it is a result od sorts even if basically wanted an excuse to stop.Lets be positive, it is a good thing.


Tuesday, 3 December 2013

The Old Question

OK the weight is definately reaching the conclusion of the journey.  probably originally 12 st 3 lb now 11 st 4.  Ideally like to say lost a stone, may yet happen.  Will bounce back up as ever but still not a bad loss. Certainly feel better.  There is a strange sense of feminity.  The rather flawed photoset from sunday showed a couple of pics which apart from big feet, big hands and wrinkles suggested female.  This leads to a little problem.  You know you can do it and have done it and want to do more.  Also you have a sense that time is passing and in a few years the look willl be gone.  Not good at all. However, how to progress?  I do not know but a definitew concern. There is also the possibility of more pics or at least dressing on this sunday.  Hopefully will attempt to sort out the killer lens flare.   
Had a twinge of concern february holidays might be blocked but hopefully not. 
Like to do something for Xmas but not sure what would be possible.
Got the red postcard saying my estrofem had arrived and could be picked up.  Four wheels, take to end of march at least. Again the question is where to go? Do not know but do keep going to the edge and wondering.





Was at other school and a kid goes "like your earrings."   Lots of stuff there but never take them out.  Do people treat me differently because of them?


Saturday, 30 November 2013

Weightly matters

First off my weight.  Well it might be as low as 11 st 3.5 lb.  Whatever it is it feels time to call it a day.  probably go till Xmas then stop.  That feels right.  Seeing more bone and the face is a trifle gaunt.  Put the underbust corset and got down to 26 in.  A Flicker girl said she got down to 24 in. A target but possibly too optimistic.  Hit MAc Newcastle needed some new foundation, I deally use Aldi's but they do not seem to hav eit in.  Ended up getting a brush set for £42.  5 brushes a bargain.  Posiibly not as they are smaller than usual ones, hopefully if the head is the same it will not be a problem. Tried about a new wig.  Initially the woman said could do one for £100 but £130 seems more likely, too much sadly.  Will phone back next week to see if she has managed to source one at £100.  Not been much change on the cosmetics front, never really get the chance.  The vintage bra, slightly too big and girdle arrived, for 31-32 in size 10.  OK but not really tight, could go down a size.  May yet go for 6 strap suspender belt at £20.  December 14th is the big date when should get all day to go for it.  Last 2 sundays been able to dress and do some pics, the body is as good as it ever was but older. 
Support group cancelled at last minute surprisingly missed it.Had hoped to get some time for myself and supervisor, would have had a good blurting chat, some other time possibly.   The next one will probably the last of the year.  sadly means unlikely to be a bit of a party, ie food.  Hoping to wear new boots or new heels.
Hormones kicking in.  Nipples more sensitive and felt a bit of a jiggle today.  Also bit of a tizzy.  Be great if it killed my libido.  Got to be careful not to put on weigth this time. 
In a lightening strike gott eh tickets to and from london for £30 in total.  Read the email at 12.30.  Bought by 13.30.  First class would have been nice but too expensive.  Middle of february but really need it.  Should get 3 days. May even go to Rochester for a photosession, we shall see.
Will not be alone during the XMas holidays, well at least not all the time. If can get 1 day of dressing and New Years Eve willl be happy.  As ever we must manage our expectations.  Tried on the vintage stuff tonight, gott eh shakes and right tizzy, that means something.   Feel better about body but the aging thing does not help.  Then again seen some very encouraging pics of older girls on Flickr so still time left.



Sunday, 24 November 2013

Less is more

Yesterday i was walking through the town centre.  Passed a womens shoe shop and saw a lovely pair of shoes.  Walked on 100 yards, walked back, dropped £29.99, they were mine.  Did some pics with them today, they are fab but would a real girl wear them and a would a real girl of my age wear them?  Heard a new phrase recently, "bedroom shoes" now these shoes are not that but a good 8 inch heel.  "They fly off the shelves"said the shop asistant.  Size 7 fitted OK.  Also ordered a 50's style bullet bra and long suspender belt, corset. See how we go with that.  Later on december will get a quality, solid, all day, chace to dress and take pics so need to make the best of it.  Hopefully do a Xmas card, vid and have a nice time.  Not sure what XMas will have but probaly New Years Eve by myself, dressing, dressing, dressing. Back on the hormones.  slight nipple pain, couple of mental moments but could be anything.


Orderd 4 more wheels.  Weight down to 11 st 5 lb.  Put on a corset down to 26 in.  24 inch would be a challenge but possible, we shall see. Certainly feel the benefits of being thinner and fitter.


Sunday, 17 November 2013

That was then , this is now.

Had a chance to do some pics today and went for it.  The new camera is still a pain but a bit further forward.  Its cold which did not really help and not really sure how long I had.  makeup a bit of a mess but that happens. Basically the camera acts up and the vibe goes, you keep listening for cars or the door, the vibe goes.  The wind changes, the vibe goes.  No wonder I usually do not smile.  The old camera I could be good to go in 5 mins and bang out 300 pics.A couple more sessions and should be there but we shall see.  Possibly chance next week.  Then in December. The lingerie I posed in a
Big questions about where I am going.  The diet seems to have levelled out at 11 st 6 lb.  Not really seen in the pics it has to be said.  Look older too. Nothing new there.  Really annoyed by the camera it has to be said.  Posed a not especially silly question about being XXY on a website.  People were kind. probably restart the hormones in the new year. That just came up off the floor but need to go somewhere.
The top pic is dated 28th August 2010, LSE, Roseberry Hall.  Probably went to Jodies dressed then, trip to Honour Waterloo, whales. Thde Woman In Black. The lingerie was purchased as East Boldon Asda before that when had to drop off people going on holiday.  Just seena pic by another tgirl saying the work she put in to get a "semi nude pic she did not want to delete immediately.  Still she has a young face that is worth a lot. Still in with a chance.






Friday, 15 November 2013

Steady as she goes

It was the support group on tuesday.  For the last 3 meetings it has been me and another girl and left wondering who was supporting who?  Wore heels the ones which had seen action in Sweet Wednesday's, Brighton and The Love Shack.  They were past their best.  Went to Matalan tonight and saw a nice pair with an acceptable heel so bought them.  Very little embarassment, just did it. May well use them next meeting, where ever that is.  Not a lot of dressing recently.  Not sure why.
Weight is looking good. Down to 11st 6 ib, probaly.  Face a bit shrunken but not a problem. Probably lost 10 lb not sure how much further going.  Its work and a pain but used to it now.  Actually body looking diffeent this time, abdomen more shrunken.  The running is working.  Will revisit it in mid December.

Sunday, 3 November 2013

Waiting For Thyroxine

So half term has ended.  I should be on a metro train returning home after having been away being Sapphire, possibly even some drerssing service but certainly putting flatties on pavement and scaring the horses.  This has not happened.  This has not happened sadly.  Not even a solid dressing session.  looking at the wrong end of 7 weeks of a half term before Xmas.  No Halloween pic though that is not a new thing.  Hoping to do a February holiday, probably Brighton.  Must m
ake a decision soon.  Its not enough really. 
Did not shave for 3 day, no possibility of dressing so not a big deal.  Hopefully the skin appreciated it.  Need to work on the voice.
There is an axolotl where I am working at the moment which keeps almost waving at me as if to say blog post blog post I am a metaphor. Well not today.  Two students saw me and said "he is wearing earrings" the othe said "so what"  long way from Kansas Toto.
Weight well gettingthere.  Scales say 11.8 lb down to 11 6 lb.  Was at 12 4 ib so its all good.

Sunday, 27 October 2013

799 not out

Had another brief dressing session today.  No makeup had a nice idea which could work but used compact camera which totally failed to get a decent image. 






As ever had a bit ofa battle finding things, putting things back, usual grief.  Started to think its too much work really and need a rethink.  Need to tidy up my clothes, need to sort out the camera, need to sort out the wig.  On the plus side the weight is starting to look better.  Definatly below 11 st 9, even had a 7 on the scales but donot trust the scales too much.  Certainly feel better.  Within a whisper of restarting the hormones.  Do not want to put on weight again which the hormones would probably do so along with the usual dichotomy where do I go, not sure it will happen.  Its odd.  Sapphire burns but when get the chance to dress a little bit reluctant then when I do get feelings in stomach. 
At pic 799 on Flickr.  Not sure what to do for pic 800.  Pic above was the cunning plan but would need a better camera.  There is a pic of old me, naked with body hair, when was the last time I had body hair?  That would be an interesting one to use with a bit of cropping.  There is a increasing sense that the clock is ticking on things and do I really want this to be the high water mark.
Went to support group this week.  On the one hand only 3 people there is cosy but its the second week and feel for the supervisor/group leader.  Put the denim skir on showed a bit of leg.  Stopped doing that a long time ago and thought leggings a a miniskirt was a good compromise.  If I have a look can find 60dernier tights which look good with  a skirt.  It may have been lasy Xmas when a rather nice Tgirl turned up for the pizza no doubt.  Full makeup, longskirt, great body language, was  very taken wth her.  She had a partner and never came back but I thought a better class of girl.  Totally stupid of course, the human condition is irregardless of looks but it was something to aspire to.

Saturday, 19 October 2013

On the level

When I think of Brighton 2013 there is a slight sense of disaapointment.  Ignoring reasons for this for a moment an event has bubbled up which is significant.  I am on the green at St Peter'sBrighton eating an Aldi sandwich and fruit pot.  Suspect about to go to the Claire project so M ad S top, wooden beads and flats, as ever.  The point here is it was not part of the "bucket list" as I have read it described, it was just a thing to do.  Hopefully as a normal woman would.  Granted rare to see women by themselves but lets move on.  Thats where I am when in Brighton, nothing to prove just doing all the normal things as a normal woman would.  Sadly the other 51 weeks that isnot an option.  OK there are other holidays and occassional times to dress but its an issue.  On friday waas in office and it burned surprisingly brightly.  Hopefully tomorrow should get time to dress and possibly pics.  Lets be real.  I have been doing this since 2007,really 2007 must check, anyway at least 5 years.  Its stronger, it has not gone away.  I have awheel of estrofem in my draw.  Last year around this time I started on the hormones.  Had to stop but could so easily start.   If the burning gets stronger and too much may have to  go back to it.  lets say I work till mid 60's then transition what sort of life would that be?  Transition at 55, need a new jiob, live else where , lets not go there, how to make that a reality?  Am I really talking about transitioning or can I live with a bit more?

Sunday, 13 October 2013

Compression

One of the more interesting aspects of this Transgender lark is that it surprises you.  So last night I did a little bit of dressing.  The 6 suspender belt, black stockings, black bra, heels.  Well even with no makeup it was a success. Felt better and strangely happy for several hours later.
Gave the corset to Seamstress.  Got nice email back.  Like the thought of it being used by someone properly.  It was bought at Waterloo Honour a shop diffficult to find and surprisingly small.  Had a late breakfast at Barberella's.  Dutch girl did not want to lace the corset too tightly.  Also got he latex body which was a bit ofa flop.  LSE of course.
Was accepted to join a group in Facebook. So far so what?  Well the point is one of the administrators is a person whose opinion I judge important.  Its as if you have been given a seal of approval.  looked at my pics and said "OK let them in." OK more realistic than that but even so.
Did a bit of brief dressing today.  Not seriously, no makeup, contact lenses or pics to speak of. Heard a car drive up and park.  Sounds right I thought and, not in the fevered way that have and will again do, started to take the kit off. Couple of minutes later back to boy mode, went downstairs.  Car in drive people not in yet. Gherkin juice leaked in boot so probably sorting that one out. Opened door was back to me.  The pool was closed as a gala was on.  Whtas the odds?  No stress or anything.  Of course the problem is not enough time to dress or take pics.  Lots of stuff there but ultimatly the problem is not me but everyone else.

Saturday, 12 October 2013

Inked

Well did get a tattoo. Quite pleased with it.  Have to see how it heals but better than expected.  Not particularly painful either.  £60 all in which is fine really.  Full of endorphins went a bit mad.  PVC corset £25, La Sensa knickers £12 for 3, £27 for play pink wig, long gloves, complete body suit and tiny shorts, there is a photo in that lot.  Finally a £10 6 suspender belt and a cup chicken fillets £7. Woman in stall wanted to vent about a woman buying the wrong size lingerie for her daughter who had no self image which was accurate.
Mind you my self image is a bit off too The weight is probably 11 st 10 lb so lost 1/2 a stone which is good.  certainly feel better and the legs look good.  Ideally get down to say 11 st 4 ib but we shall see.
There is the possibility that could be alone a bit at Xmas which would be lovely.  In the meanwhile would like to do a hallowean pic and a Xmas pic.  Would like to get chance to take some pics!
 A kind person on Flickr reworked one of my pics.  Mainly my face which I take as a complement.
Still need to get retro suspender belt perhaps that can wait.
Sapphire is being very demanding not sure why but have not had a good 100% session for some time.Not sure, apart from booking a hotel room what can do about that.


 

Sunday, 6 October 2013

Fly away fly away home

Mentioned in last post the idea of a "moonshot" a big thing to try.  Transister was that, as was going to a dressing service dressed.  There is also inherent in it the idea of a lot of planning being needed as well as a final act requiring bravery.  Possibly the last 2 holidays were moonshots too. In a way the hormones were also a moonshot but a day to day bravery rather than a final single act.  It is probable I may well go back to the hormones but I have no final aim, things are complicated.  How could I live a life with breasts, how could I plan for that what could I change to bring it into  a possibility?  There you have it, again and again the brick wall keeps appearing. 
Getting a tattoo on saturday.  it is a ladybird and on left shoulder blade.  it could be girly but also as I collect ladybird books.  Once you accept the idea of modifing your body tattoos and piercings seem tame compared to hormones.  There is no Ladybird book of Tgirls, no Observers guide to Transitioing or even a Project book to being Trans.  You have to do your best. 


Friday, 4 October 2013

Moon Base Alpha

Just had a bit of a thought.  To date Sapphire has done all the big things alone.  From buying clothes, the first time past the door, clubs, MAC its been all me.  Nobody to hold my hand, literally or figuratively.  Perhaps thats why the Internet is so popular.  A chance for fellowship,  perhaps even some form of friendship.  Flickr other less family friendly sites all offer the chance for "pretty," "lovely, "prettiest girl on the web" hit and run comments to keep us going. 
Its all a bit negative but probably true.  We all need validation, support to keep going.  The drive is not infinite but the siren comments of the Internet need to be listened to carefully.  Getting your genitals out is easy and gets good comments but does not really help in Marks and Spencers. It depends where you think you are going.  To the bed room or to the great outdoors.  Choose your pics with care and be very careful over what you believe.
Its a bit negative, the support group has not really been a massive help.  Granted the counselling was very useful and the chance to dress is good but thats where we are.  Not sure what expected from the suport group, more probably but, well, not sure what it is doing now. Will be returning to this one but putting Sapphire in TRansister and then Kings and Queens Brighton was my moonshot. Been there, done that.  The expectation was be on Mars by now.

Sunday, 29 September 2013

Shephards prayer

Lets revisit yesterday. Tried to trigger camera by laptop today, 30 minutes later stopped with no success.  It  has worked but not on this laptop.  Basically thats the problem.  If, and when, I buy another laptop it should be fast enough to do camming and trigger the camera.  Also should be able to surf the web and run photoshop easily.  The question is where do you stop, at what point do you say stop?  In a very real way this is a horrible question.  There have been several times in Sapphire's evolution where wanted to say stop but went for it.  Several doors have been stared at and handles turned and bang you are falling out of the C130 and thinking how to do this and there it is; the outside world, the taxi waiting, the levels Brighton.   Only by being determined have progressed.  Some things you have to stop sometime.  Sadly the hormones are one such example.  Probably will revisit them, sooner rather than later I suspect, but there comes a point where it is uneconomical to continue.

Looking at the photostream on Ippertnity and deleting ones they consider "inappropiate".  Stuff going back to 2008 or 9. Paige dates from 11/08/07 pics say 1 year later.  Thats the first Flickr stream though such pics are on HDD somewhere.  Jodie (1) must have been february 2008.  That feels right.  First walk sept 2008 with Transister 2009. Anyway the early pics were quite good even if technically unsophisticated.  The point is that there is a back story of 4-5 years.  Would not have got that if said stop.

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Not best practise

Its 11.34 at night, I am alone and its been abit of a fiasco really. Plans to make the most of it and do some pics and a vid.  Took forever to find clothes and still couldnot find collar. Stomping around in 6 in heels a bit of  Pin.  Have wierd strap kept coming undone. Put the digital compact up and its too dark to do a vid.  Possibly could have used Flipcam but did not occur to me.  Did some pics.  The external flash is not syncronising with the camera right,  Used Sony flash in the end. Had to use the 10 sec timer on camera.  Seemed to go OK.  Tried for bit of camming.  No joy. Finally set it all up and the allow website to control camera etc popup box would not work.  Stopped at that.  Then checked pics, most of them out of focus.  The preflash AF flash had disabled as it was triggering the preflash and focusing on me tripping the flash.  Need to use laptop to trip camera.  Need to sort out lighting for vids.  Need to sort out room. Basically got very little for my troubles. Not exactly a wasted night but not good.  The new heels not sure about.

Friday, 27 September 2013

In Crowd

On tuesday it was my support group.  Decided against going, not totally sure why.  Usually do actually get something from it if I do go.  I was the first person to go when it was advertised.  Not strictly true as a drunk scottish girl also went but never returned.  She took flowers, which I thought was a nice touch and said I would fufill my potential.  Probably said that a lot.  Over time more girls came.  Some dropped awaywhich happens.  Once a really lovely girl came and I was really attracted to her.  looking back it was an unusual experience.  Sadly I was wearing the denin skirt which was too small and I showed TOO much leg. Today we are a very diverse group but not sure where I or the group are going.  Last time a person looking for the "fight library closure" accidently came in.  Not quite sure what they thought of it all.  Part of the problem is that I never look at my best.  Give me 30 minutes and I put contact lenses and makeup on and the effect is, well, lets say better.  Not even getting the chance to shave rather spoils the effect. 
Have a real affection for the group as it has been good for me but not recently.   It enabled me to get counseling which was probably valuable. 
Now i tend for the leggings, flat shoes and long top look.  Quick, easy and shows off my body, oh dear.  Quite a femme look really.  Really must make an effort some time, possibly when off and "blow their socks off" with full strength Sapphire.  probably never happen. Actually if I could have a chat with the group leader it may be valuable but the group session experience was never my metier. Not really sure if I contribute anything real to the group either.
Does it help, does it make the whole business better? Probably, yes.  Perhaps that is the bottom line.

Sunday, 22 September 2013

looking back, loking forward.

Just looked at the blog entry for this time last year.  Full of being out every day when on holiday.  This year basically did the same for fewer days.  Yet do not have same buzz rather a slight sense of disappointment.  OK the room was bad and did not help but there were good things.  Possibly it could not live up to last year.  Its a tricky one this and not sure where I am going.   I am not prepared to say 2013 was a failure as it was out for 6 days but not the same sense.  OK moving on, next holiday what can we do better?  Actually apart from accommodation and a new bag it all pretty well worked.  New wig, better emphasis on makeup and more money and longer but thats about it really.  But not Brighton, well possibly.
Thought I had posted this but posibly have not. On holiday I walked all along the Level, the boulevard bit if that does not sound too pretentious, from corner going to Moulsecomb to the recycling bins took, at a gentle walk, say less than 3 minutes.  Certainly less than the average single.  Walked on of course and even had lunch sitting by the big church, St Peter's, once gave blood there, Aldi fruit diced I remember, not cold exactly.  Now did that walk several years ago, it was such abig thing, really really big. Bottled out going on to Sophie's to give her the nailvarnish remover(may be wrong),  even had a drink at the Kings and Queens.  Lets be positive, how many people never get that far, too many sadly but remember Transister Brighton? 2009 I think.  4 years ago.Bit of a fiasco that was but for a first go thats to be expected.  Today would handle it all differently. 

Saturday, 21 September 2013

Wigout

First off.  sadly the 6 weeks without estrofem has had its effect.  Getting morning erections and the male me is making itsself felt.  Its not ideal and not sure what to say or do.  Possibly endure.
More positively bought £33 of lingerie at Ann Summers, the vintage look, pleaseanly surprised by the look.  Put the lingerie on, then decided to put makeupa nd contact lenses in.  Not a bad look in 25 minutes.  No pics sadly, may be not good things there.  However, when in kimono, heels, stockings, panties, bra and suspende belt and wig definite rumblings.
Saw woman in Newcastle about new wig briefly.  Say £100.  Not ideal but must get the hair sorted. Ideally would like shoulder length but thats a real pain to work with.  lets see how things go.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Slight improvement really

Been looking at some faux vintage lingerie and wondering if I could wear it.  This is a good sign that the exercise and diet is starting to have an effect at least on my mind.  Spent £18 on makeup brushes so would like to try them out.  Could have today as had a possible 2 hours.  Instead of which I did some essential maintenance, personnel admin,  a monster hair removsl session.  Epilated legs, arms and chest followed by shaving the survivors.  Never get all the hairs but did well.
Possible time for pics at end of month, would be nice.  Sapphire being quiet but always there.  The worrying possibility is that this is a s good as it is going to get for some time.  To date this year has been not as good as last year shall we say.  Summer 2013, the spritzer offensive, was not long enough. Spring 2013, the cold war, was, well cold.  Few pics taken, not as many opportunities to dress. Not so much money so mot so much spent on Sapphire.Need to sort out the camera.  What to say about the hormones?  Good try and gave it a good shot but there is no overall plan.  There never has been really. Advance, think, advance, think.  This is the first fall back really.  No shame in that.  Had a spray tan, that was not a lot really.  Do it again. A holiday might be possible later this year, Manchester again.   Feeling better about body so that is good.

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

What I am shooting for

Sometimes you sort of know something is correct but you prefer not to believe it and need a lot of evidence,  So deep down I know I do not pass, am too tall, and the face is too long and wrinkled but still cling on to the belief of my female self image as young.  This may not be entirely stupid as I am still quite thin with good legs. However my face is old.  Recently took some pics and had to say OK perhaps I might not be 21.  Started a diet and just under 12 st. Tried on chinese dress originally bought 2 years ago ay Covent garden.  OK bit tight but possible.  The thights are larger, the waist slightly larger and the lower leg enlarged.  All of the above is to be expected as the Pilates has been replaced by the gym work and the whey powder. 
Like a rangefinder focussing device it is necessary to get the internal and external image to some sort of approximate sameness.  Granted you need self delusion or your would never getup but a certain reality helps.  Need to sort out the wig and the makeup.  The diet is a pain and the exercise pretty sporadic to be fair.  The running is regular but really need to get back to the pilates.  Things are not too bad but a little tweaking and effort mow will help a lot.



Sunday, 8 September 2013

Teething Troubles

Well had a proper photosession and it was a mess.  First off the laptop died so couldnot use the remote control via laptop.  Then it turns out that the preshot flash was focussing to close so got lots of pics out of focus.  Battle finding clothes and the final problem was the usual looking too old.  Do need to up my game regarding the makeup. Not sure how but must try.  The legs look muscly too and the stomach not thin enough.  Not good enough.  Thena again any dressing helps but do need to stop getting a tanline on my neck.  The diet hs started but itys not good enough, early days.  If I could have a whole day think could really do something worthwhile.
If could only sort out foundation that would be good.  Lets be positive.  Its not game over by any means.  Can resolve the remote problem that should help with the focus issue.


Sunday, 1 September 2013

Seeing less of me

Back 2 weeks now, where are we?  Moments keep flicking into memory about the holiday.  So thats good.  Had an opportunity to dress yesterday.  Not sure how long and did not last long.  Still the weight is an issue but the diet is not going so well.  Hit the gym today, actually went well, weight 76.5 kg, oh dear.  Usually 75 so not too bad.  The pilates is the way to go but tired of that.  Going to try for a holiday before december. May be the possibility at the end of september of some dressing which would be good.  Be nice to really give the camera a run through.  Could think about the catsuit again.  Its sort of OK. Which is code for its not good really.
Just realised I have never really dieted. Granted I have cut down and over a stone was lost but it took a lot of time and was never the really hard grind women need to do it appears.  Now so do I. Weight too much and do not like my look, especially the stomach and love handles!  How long will that take to lose.  Stop drinking will help!


Monday, 26 August 2013

Portmanteau

Mentioned briefly needing a new bag. Bought one at Oxfam £9, DKNY stamped on it.  Slightly too small.  Had hoped for a Wolfram Lohr bag but they are too expensive, sadly.  Already the tides of time are moving the memories to new shapes.  Its looking a success.  In Waitrose with a bag, remembering to say "and yourself" when chatting to cashiers in Sainsburys and Morrisons.  Feeling embarassed my voice is not better. Thats the problem though. Say I got the voice spot on, not going to happen but move on, nobody was shocked when I spoke, "wow it is not a female after all."  Presumably they had "read me" already but were too polite.  Two possible things here.  Either it was not a big deal for them, preferred option, or else I had already advertised myself as male.  Several people I talked to were happy to go with "mate" in a friendly manner yet I was presenting as female.  Nobody was being nasty or anything so lets put it down to ignorance.  No big hangover yet.  Could have a good dressing session yesterday but worked in the garden instead.  The thought that I do not need to go fulltime is on the one hand a good thing but also a sense that I have, in some way, failed. Nonsense of course.  If anything its either that my mind will not allow the possibility or its clearly wrong.  It still hangs there that I am not really TS/TG and started too late.  Nonsense of course, hopefully.


Sunday, 25 August 2013

Thats entertainment

Just hit me.  Its the normal things now.  Shopping in Sainsburys and Morrisons.  Thats what you remember.  Not the big tranny party things, not that I did any of them, but the normal being a real person stuff. Needing a big bag, finding stuff in your bag, what shall Ihave for tea.  OK I am on holiday but there is a lot of the real grit of reality. Be using a laundrette en femme dressed.  That's as normal as it gets. Its not like skiing, getting a kick out of wearing the salpettes because of what you do in them is so amazing but because it is so normal.  OK you are dressed, so what?  Get on with your life.  You are bored, good.  You do not get a kick out of the clothes,  real women, ok bad term, do not get a kick out of dressing normal but out of what they do. One bottle of Pinot Grigio and a bottle of Poachers beer and out it comes, like laying a golden egg.

A police car and a screaming siren -
A pneumatic drill and ripped up concrete -
A baby wailing and stray dog howling -
The screech of brakes and lamp light blinking -
That's Entertainment.
A smash of glass and a rumble of boots -
An electric train and a ripped up 'phone booth -
Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat -
Lights going out and a kick in the balls -
That's Entertainment.
Days of speed and slow time Mondays -
Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday -
Watching the news and not eating your tea -
A freezing cold flat and damp on the walls -
That's Entertainment.
Waking up at 6 a.m. on a cool warm morning -
Opening the windows and breathing in petrol -
An amateur band rehearsing in a nearby yard -
Watching the tele and thinking about your holidays -
That's Entertainment.
Waking up from bad dreams and smoking cigarettes -
Cuddling a warm girl and smelling stale perfume -
A hot summer's day and sticky black tarmac -
Feeding ducks in the park and wishing you were far away -
That's Entertainment.
Two lovers kissing amongst the scream of midnight -
Two lovers missing the tranquility of solitude -
Getting a cab and travelling on buses -
Reading the graffiti about slashed seat affairs -
That's Entertainment.

Retail Therapy

Did a bit of tidying out in the kitchen cupboard and found 3 packs of Nespresso capsules with an expiry date of 2008.  This took me back to carrying a big blue "parachute bag" around east London in the dark having been to Doreens Fashions.  Walthamstow last stop on the tube. Jodie used to be near Black Horse, Seven Sisters tube station on the same line.  I made either 2 or 3, not certain, trips to Doreens.  At the time the idea of shoping in a normal shop was impossible.  So it was either Lacies, Brighton, or Doreens.  Remember looking at the website and making a list.  The green corset which ended up at A****** was bought there, as was the breast forms and the foam breast forms, and several wigs.  The first 2 times I spent an rather large £300 there on each occasion. Spent over £200 at Lacies once if not twice.  The far too large breast forms were £120.  The second time got a "free" makeup it of Chinese cosmetics which all leaked into each other and I binned.  It is important to say they were totally genuine and did not attempt to rip you off with the prices even though they were pricey and the "land that style forgot."    Another time got free earings.  The handkerchief dress, the short high heeled boots and 2 pairs of black shiny heels. The cubicles had photocopied letters from tgirls who gushed how great the assistants were.  No doubt genuinely, there are so very few places where you could go.  The white marilyn dress.  The padded underpants, Kayolin stick, Jodie asking what number saying they all hate each other, a pair of  heeled sandals.  One time I hit Kings Cross from home, put the pack in left luggage and headed to Walthamstow to spend money. Within 4 hours of hitting London the trip was a success.  It all went into the blue bag mentioned earlier and over the shoulder.  Was late to who I was staying with, mobile calls were exchanged.  When asked about the blue bag said it contained, amongst other things, Nespresso capsules.  Not impossible as they  could only be bought at certain stores and did but them in london, yellow paper store bag leaps to mind.  It also shows the lies and self deception you are prepared to do.  A lot of Doreens stuff was put in a charity bag and went down to "Help for Heroes."  Good luck with the handkerchief dress.  Love the idea of another tranny going in there, seeing shoes size8-9 hoovering the lot up.  be careful with the boots, one of the eyelets will rip your nylons given half the chance.Now I only started at 45, say, imagine starting at a teenager, what memories, what experiences in depth would you have.  Amazing really.


Saturday, 24 August 2013

Punkturing the fog

Got the left nipple repierced today.. Bit more painful than expected.  Was totally relaxed about the whole business breathing out then it hurt but only briefly.  Ideally like to get PA repierced but well we shall see.  Coming off the estrofem seems to be OK so far.  Brighton 2013 has not bitten me on the bum which may be a result of it not be4ing perceived as a massive success or it early days or for other reasons, but that is probably a good thing but watch this space.  One week into the diet, early days, need to give it say 2 months to do any real benefit.  Losing the coffebreak chocolate is only a good thing, not so sure about the evening tea and biscuit.  Need really to take comfort from small things.  Need to do more pilates and gym. 
Wear'out on tuesday.  Always feel the benefit of it  but its a diminishing returns thing. 
looked at Flickr stream.  First thing which struck me was how few pics have posted since Xmas then how much skin I am showing.  Not the image I want to put over.  Mind you not too many photo sessions this year.  This year not quite sure how it is shaping up.

This is me at the Marlborough after Clare Project.  That is how it should be, but is not.  The question is how much effort am I prepared to put in to get there and how much sacrifice would be required.

Friday, 23 August 2013

Antibodies and Bodies

While down at Brighton I noticed a free dropin session for HIV/HepA, B, C and Syphillis testing run by Terence Higgins.  Was not sure about going, still not sure, but did.  Interestingly it was on a monday and felt bit odd about putting male clothes on.  If had been better with times would have put makeup on and dressed but was not sadly.  In the late 80's I worked in virology and carried out such tests myself.  During that time HIV was a death sentence and Hep B could be very bad news too.  We all had, partly due to the training and government information, real concerns about being exposed to bodily fluids; blood, semen etc.  Interestingly today porn and other areas seem to be a lot more relaxed about semen, which I think is a mistake.  Oral sex is not seen as risky which is very probably wrong.  Prostitutes seem to be more clued up, rolling off condoms, putting them and any tissues carefully into a plastic bad, typing it and disposing of it carefully. 
My track record would not put me at a significant risk of being positive but it takes only 1 contact.  Reassuringly I was negative for all which was not a surprise but still nice to have it confirmed.  There was a lack of a moral dimension which is necessary and correct but deep down I did feel having multiple sexual partners in a single session is not wrong or for censore but that there should be some aspect of taking responsability for your actions and how it affects other people.   I felt, again, old as if it was only the young doing these acts.  They reccommended a Hep A vaccination which I will chase up but really not very sexual active and its not a significant aspect of my psyche.

Had to copy the Proms 2013 pics to another file yesterday and spent a few minutes looking through them.  You are 16, female, your parents are spending significant amounts of money on dress, hair, makeup, shoes and nails so the resultant pics were worth some consideration, even if only from a sociological point of view.  So, what conclusions did I draw?  First off there are girls who I know to be attractive in the flesh but the pics, taken from digital cameras of varying qualities, really failed to show this.  Hardly any girls looked significantly pretty.  The camera can most definately lie. There were all shapes and sizes of females but few thin or even what would be considered usual size.  Most were, even if slightly, overweight but also quite small in height.  There were some quite ugly ones, facially.  They all looked older than usual.  There was very little sense of what "I look good in" or joined up thinking regarding the whole dress, hair, shoes ensemble.  Rather I like that dress I will wear it, I like those shoes even if they are platform heels.  Few seemed to have got it all together well.  Lots of leg and skin was shown even if it was not a good idea.  More "I have shown my legsrather than "I have good legs I will show them."  Ultimatly I was left with the sense money had not bought the desired look as well as it might have.  Then again all of them did look female and not male at all.  You can see pics of thin trans girls who have done it all right from makeup to dress but still there is something which says male when looked at.  It is worth saying the only genuinely pretty female pic was from several years ago and she had gone for a classical look.  As ever, this is a terribly sexist way of looking at them, it ignores intelligence, kindness and so many other factors which are important but still is an important analysis for trans girls who need to get the look right. Sadly there was nothing to take from the pics for a 6ft 2 in trans except that pics lie.


Saturday, 17 August 2013

That was Brighton 2013

I have been back from Brighton for 24 hours so it is reasonable to have a first pass at what happened and how successful it was. Well the train left Preston Park and was I ready, pack on back for the bleep out of the door and go, go, go?  No, actually someone else had their pack over mine so that did not happen.  There was no big sense of excitement either.   Sadly the room was a very big disappointment, noisy road, small, could not sleep this really spoilt things quite badly. Expensive too, £75 per night.  Do think must either go back to University of Brighton, cheap but a pain in certain aspects or find somewhere else.  A week at a Premier Inn would be much more.  Seven days ws not really long enough.  If did go back to U of Brighton could stay longer.  There is the question about whether going back to Brighton is a good option anyway.  Lets move on.  The meeting with S***** was a bit of a flop, not without certain comedy value but perhaps was hoping for too much.  Then again, she is my entry into Brighton tranny life so badly needed so still being in a bar waiting was nice, pizza was nice so lets say 6 out of 10.  Claire project was a good success.  met and chatted very well, couple of drinks.  If I did not need to see S***** might have been more, possibly, possibly not but certainly a result.  Possibly even a pub quiz.
Out dressed on saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday and thursday.  Went to University of Sussex, train.  No buses or walk to Rottingdean or go to Lewes.  Usually not getting out till 1030 or 11 am and generally back by 5 for a quick nap or whatever.  Then out again.  Did not spend much time at bar at Legends.It all went so well.  Couple people asked me for help, possibly got complemented by builder, odd one that.  Shame about abdomem being so obvious, need to lose a bit of weight.  Some pics suggest wrinkles getting worse.  Sandals would help, bigger bag to.  The wigs were not ideal either and a good wig would be nice.  No Mary Tyler Moore moment but kept looking for it.  Several good moments.  As it gets cooler the bladder kicks in.  Reduce coffee and wear  a vest possibly.  Still got worried about work, not good.  Was very careful with money no big purchases.  No dressing service.  Not sure about that one.  A better quieter room would have helped a lot, been more relaxed and hopefully face better.  The bugout was surprisingly stress free, not sure why but very good, possibly think about a bag on wheels.  The gin did at least mean the hangovers were not as violent.
The Terence Higgins HIV, Hep B test came from nowhere and was not really expected to find anything but still good to have done. 
So first pass bottom line.  A qualified success.  It is accepted the definition of success has risen very significantly.  Will be revisiting this topic so stay tuned.



Monday, 5 August 2013

Role models

Spent a satisfactory day in York.  Got there bt btrain which was not especially painful. Last there in December bought some too small shoes from Oxfam,  think, shame.  Well, that was surprising was the Paige "buzz." looking at what women wear, their shoes and  leggings.  It was really unexpectly strong.  Suppose should have looked at the 50 year olds but looked at younger girls.  Went into MAC did not buy anything but cold have been close. Not sure what we will find in Brighton but it was a shock. 
Getting a St Tropez spray tan tomorrow, well we shall see.  Rained badly today so it might wash off. Do 1 wheel of estrofem, need to buy some more, or do I...

Sunday, 4 August 2013

Preparations

On thursday morning I shall put my 100 L rucksack on my back and go to Brighton, possibly Godalming on thursday.  So saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday and thursday and down as potential dressing days. Hoping for Claire project, hoping to meet S*****.  What else?  No K**s party sadly.  No dressing service.  Hopefully moved on.  Only 5 days.  last year did better but need to cut back.  Hope to do U of Sussex again, Lewes the gardens, The Signalman, Eaton and Nott, possibly Duke of York's, Andrea's grave possibly.  Its not enough.  Its also going to be interesting so see how I react to it all.  Mentally things have been happening.  On friday will pass Preston park, put on pack, there will be a beep the doors will open and I will hit the platform. Its th3e Zulu time as I see it. What can In do now that makes it more successful, what will make a difference?  Getting a spray tan, had back waxed  all positives.  Possible would like to meet in Tv Chix, in Angels. Five days out  of so many months, its not good.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

We must love each other or die

It is wednesday night and I am definetely , guaranteed alone until tomorrow.  Have I dressed, taken umpteen pics or put on makeup?  Er, no actually.  This may be due to the estrofem, having been to my support group yesterday or something else.  If something else could it be Paige on the wane?  Again summer 2013 will be the gold test.  probably.  The breasts are ever so slightly noticeable, which is nice for me but puts up some rather scary questions which were hopefully further away.   
Support group last night.  As ever too long.  Got into a right tizzy over wig and top.  Useful I suppose but really unless can put contact lenses and makeup on then do not look good.  Again not so good in a group situation.  New girl there and wondered how we all looked to her.  Once, briefly collided with the young Trans group and thought well this is a bit better, how we should look.  Of course we do not.  There was a John Sullivan comedy called Dear John about a support group which included an unfeasibly attractive female who would never  be in that group.  So it is with us I suppose.  We are older and real people.  We are not thin and pretty.  Our needs and hurt is not any less or possibly even greater.  Actually the American version could not handle unattractive people at all.  Is it a sad group with unhappy people?  Very probably yes, do get the sense of  real human anguish.  Then again would the group, including me in this, be happier if the group did not exist?  Easy one, no.  There you have it. Sometimes some things can be easily answered.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Another thing I know but choose to ignore

Well the much anticipated sunday possibly 8 hour dressing session has been and gone, still J is out but expected back soon.  Some pics were taken, not many and used the Sony flash only.  Reveiving them the face seems fuller and possibly the body more fuller.  Even arguably the bottom larger.  I am now 12 st 1 or 2 lb.  Probably not a good thing but could be worse.  Possibly the estrefem is responsable directly or indirectly increasing my appeptite.  Certainly eating more, the diet is not working.OK what diet?  Actually the face is OK so it is not too bad.
Has to be said the pics are turning into a right faff all round.  The fun has gone out of them.  Possibly as such a battle finding things but also possibly the rewards for the effort are decreasing.
I was never a Premier league player.  At best, given A****** help there were some good pics, also the odd pic captured something.  Not conference league either.  Still a lot thinner than a lot of girls.  Makeup skills not too bad, the camera skills fine.  This is another in the "time to drop down a league" post I suppose.
Dressed before doing pics.  Again odd feeling, not one of the usual feelings.  Good feeling.
Three weeks time will be doing the Brighton thing.  Lets see what comes out of that one.


Thursday, 18 July 2013

Marcel Proust at Lush

1,000 kisses is a fragence no longer produced by Lush.  They tend to be rather ruthless that way, emperor of ice cream, Smell of freedom, Inhale and Snowcape are just 4 products they stopped making which enhanced my existance.  1,000 kisses is significant as Novemeber 2011 probably I went out dressed in Brighton all aday for the first time.  I went to Lush looking for a signature scent and the women, girl probaly, did this trick whereby they dry the scent on your hand by holding their hand over yours and pressing down.  Heady stuff for a girl just what less than 2 hours into orbit.  was wearing the primark Sara Lund sweater and goretex as ever.  Did a MAC makeover with this scent, visited that little lingerie shop wearing it.  It is important and has become very important to the Paige backstory.
Just had a nasty thought getting the washing in.  What if the times not being Paige no longer count, that is I cannot be happy in male mode?  That makes the assumption I am TS rather than TV and that is somewhat unlikely as it only kicked in so late.  I prefer to  believe it is one of my strengths that I can consider nasty or unlikely options and give them serious consideration before kicking them into touch.  That makes the ones that do make it into the "yes" box so much stronger.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Quick little shot for a couple of runs.

Just a quick one.  Went to the gym today.  The weather was very hot so wore shorts on way back with trainers and those trainer socks which are nearly invisible.  Well, had pint in The Isis, when there look ed at bare legs and moved legs in a very femme way.  Good fun and set a couple of tingles.  Avoid doing it for real as as Helena Love said people look and then become angry when they realise what they are looking at.   Still nice to get sun to them and get production of freckles.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

So far and no further?

In 3 weeks I shall be on holiday.  On the friday I shall be in Brighton.  So need it to work.  Then again I am not sure where we are now.  Ignoring money issues it will be very interesting to see my response to it all.  Need to think about new, old style, wig.  Read a post where a girl went to Claire Project and had a very good time, clubbing etc.  Must be revamped then! 
Need to contact S*****, put would like to meet in TvChix and possibly something in Angels too.  Have really downsized expectations about it all.  Too much bob stuff going on.  Will need to reread the notes made last year, get a back wax and eyebrows done.  Must not forget sunblock either.  The voice, well that didnot happen, needs to.  Five days of Sapphire, its no longer enough.
K will be off to Durham for a week soon.  May be the possibility of something there.  Quite like to blitz some pics but that seems to have gone off the boil too. 
Need to order some more estrofem, quite like to drop to 1 mg.  Quite like to go to 2 mg x 2 per day too but that willnot happen. 
October probably will not happen either.  Its a negative post really which is not what I want.  The problem is have progressed so far so much more is required for minimum victory conditions. 
All in all it has been a less satisfing year so far but cannot really see how to go forward.  Currently we are stuck in the bocage.  Need to push forward to more "tankable" areas.  How, what is going to be required?  Ultimately I do not burn to be a woman and so am not prepared to sacrifice all to that goal.  Possibly I have reached the status quo I am so seeking.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Life Support

Suspect there was a support group meeting tonight but did not go.  Recently it has been less and less valuable to me.. Granted all dressing is valuable but it goes on for too long and well we have so little in common.  Gosh that sounds hard but sometimes not sure where it is going..  Granted just sitting there is enough but it does get a samey I suppose.  Will see how I feel missing it tonight, could well start climbing up the walls.  Will think more on this one as there does feel to be more to it.
The new venue is nice but, for some reason, do not like dressing upstairs.  That is very odd but is definately there.There was talk about a makeup lady coming one week, probably miss that knowing me. 
Lets sleep on it and post more later.


Sunday, 7 July 2013

Any dressing is better than nothing but how much better?

Well did get time to do some dressing and some pics. Allowed 2 hours only 1 change of clothing really.  Not a success but strange.  You assume its a transitional thing but what if thats as good as it going to get?  Not good.  The makeup was rather good but something else kicked in. It was all so much of a faff.  Everything was in the way.  Once all I had to do was plonk down the Sony flash and do it.  Now need to setup second tripod, plug it in, sort out exposure.  Not a big deal but the lens flare is a real pain also everything else gets in the way.  Too small a room for everything.  Back got angry about high heels.Now the big bit.  Feelings, oh dear.  Got a good feeling but is that due to the estrofem?  Looked old again, still.  There is so much stuff here not sure where will begoing with it.  Sense will need another factor to impact on this and sort out where we are. 


Saturday, 6 July 2013

Did not see that one coming

There is another blog entry on the blocks but here is something hot off the press.  Had a very brief dresing session tonight.  The weather has been very sunny and hot and suddenly wanted to wear a bikini, very badly.  Could not as not alone.  About an hour later got the chance.  Usual grief about finding clothes but something odd happened. On the plus side the weight does not look too bad and the legs are OK..The breasts are getting there, loads of stuff there. The main point was how I felt.  Cannot describe it really, not the shaking which can happen or the cold water in stomach which no longer happens but something different.  Granted the estrofem makes me emotional but there is something else also there now.  Need to process it more and the feeling has gone from me but it feels almost as if the train has moved along the track to another station.  The question is is the the result of the estrofem only or something more?
To be TS, oh dear, too much grief there, but cannot explain it.
Got some "fat burners" in an attempt to lose a bit of fat.  Early days but lets see.
Using a new, to me anyway, laptop.  fast enough to do Photoshop but seem to have lost the NIK plugin.. Still the improvement in pics can be seen.  Hopefully will be able to get a couple of hours in tomorrow.
 

   

Monday, 1 July 2013

Rosetta Stone

This was posted on a Yahoo group I am a member of;

Well, my comment is your experience is very common. I also think it confirms your transsexuality. It seems that taking hormones "normalizes&qu
ot; people like us to the point that once on, we do not feel the need to continue because the symptoms of discomfort with one's sex disappears. But, when the hormones are discontinued, the old problem flares up, and before you know it, you're desperately looking for hormones. This usually happens in the early stages of coming to realize one's transsexuality.

But it's like stopping any other medicine while the condition is still present. If you stop taking a pain killer before the wound heals, you'll likely experience pain the minute the drug wears off. The same holds true for gender dysphoria. Hormones are the great pain killers of transsexuals. And if the medicine you're taking is effective at combating the problem, then that's a very good sign that you have the problem the medicine is intended to correct.

Sarah 
 
Very well put Sarah. It also answers another question of mine. I questioned some people who were just happy with HRT and felt no need to go further. Not even a need to dress (identify with their "true" gender). Like taking lipitor after a by-pass. Just something you take for the rest of your life (to stay alive).



Just read it but get sense have found something very important which explains a lot of my earlier posts.




Friday, 28 June 2013

Not a lot really

It is friday night, I am alone and probably will be till tomorrow.  You know where this is going.  Plan A was to do a vid or at least pics but in the event I had a boy's night, cigar, drink.  Going to have an early night.  Need to nourish the male me too or else it becomes too intolerable when not dressed.  Possibly the estrofem keeps me OK. Possibly having nearly being caught has had more of an effect than thought. Mind you brighton 2013 will be different.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Holiday Dreaming.

Lets come at this one from several angles.  First of all tidied up room today, found new box  and made some space.  Fair bit of Paige clothes etc about the place . Quite a bit of expense, could it have been better spent?  Holiday 2013, Brighton, again.  What would constitute a success? If no Paige what holidays would I have and would they be more fun?  Pre Paige things were not too bad really.  Granted heterosexually I was rubbish but I seemed to be OK with that.  Here it comes.  Had a mild chance to dress and did not.  Support group cancelled and I am not crawling up the walls.  Granted the estrofem has put me on an even keel kept the GID down BUT do feel there is a big woozle trap waiting due to the self medication.
If I could stop the whole Paige business would I be happier?  I would have more money, possibly different holidays and there would be a lot less stress involved.  I am Paige so very fleetingly that its causing problems.  Say I did stop would that be a good thing?  My feeling is that the dressing is not the whole story.  My mindswt and behaviour has, to put it mildly, a femle slant which can only be explained by GID.  Paige has negative aspects on my life but is stopping the answer?   Lots of question marks and no answers but let it not be said that I dodge the big questions.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Just a quick one

I have just had a 3 part Bounty bar which is not ideal as I had 3 fingers of Lidl/Aldi chocolate thing. Added to that 3 units of whiskey.  Not really sure what has happened to my self control.
Doing down stairs today felt very definite jiggle.  Some growth, can be seen intshirt.  Not sure where I am going with it all.  Really do not.  Hopefully writing it all down will help things get moving.  Posibility of dressing overnight on friday.  We shall see but would be nice.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Summer Dreaming

Sunday again.  Half a botle of wine and a single gin.  Not too bad really.  Quite warm. Shaved left leg, tidied room.  Pilated and felt the benefit.  Here it comes.  Starting to look forward to Summer 2013. Wondering about clothes and putting up "would like to meet " in Angels and "TvChix."  Granted only 5 days but hoping for quality. Hopefully still have Ipad so that will help. If can sleep that will be good too, may even be worth the exytra £30 per night room!  Sea view!  Will try for Claire Project.  Need to hit ebay really and get some money together.  Doing SDW dressed probably to much to expect or do really.  May need new wig, not so sure about new breast forms if the new bras can deliver.  Some form of sandal would be nice too.  Need to work on voice.  Sort of started in that direction but very early days.  Actually getting to the grave of Andrea this time would be good.  Nice challenge.  Possibly even an Amanda style short video clip about architecture using the flipcam.  Lighter makeup now. The train journeys will be a pain.  Not totally convinced by seeing Mr Garner but it feels right.  Not dressed, do not think there is any value in that.
Some slight breast growth which is nice and even possibly noticable.  Once the wheels are exhausted will reconsider options.  need to think about new tattoo, PA piercing and ear piercing.  Like idea of piercing/tattoo at Brighton.  Say 2 scrotal piercings on last day or even PA. Though probably not. 


Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Logging the hours

Been a relatively dry spell for Paige.  Nothing over the weekend and support group not on.  Only found out when got there so had a large white wine at Wetherspoons, a small white wine at Fitzgeralds and 3 single gins at home.  Say 7 units.  Bit worrying really do need to curb it.  Weight is off too.  The diet is just not happening at all.  Thats not good either.  There is some sign of growth with the breasts again.  Quite pleased with that but still no idea wher going with it.  Tonight was messy, didnot settle, stopped pilates early, everything was slightly off.  Then did a bit of qick dressing.  Had a warm sensation on stomach.  When first started would get like a cold water feeling in stomach which was nice and meant something important.  Have difficultyt remembering those early days with no heels or proper breast forms, too long wig.  Makeup skills not good either.  Of course the face was younger but probably weighed more then.  At the time the thought of ever going out dressede seemed impossible.  Precontact lenses too. Shaving in bath with butterball.
Tonight my hands looked old and soo big.  My back arched too much and the ribcage was too large as well.  At first it looked very bad.  Then it seemed to settle down and I looked OK.  Granted a shave and makeup would so help.  There was a sense that need to dress and do it to feel it almost.  That you needed to feel comfortable with the look, accept you will never pass but get on with it.  Need to think a bit more about that but something there definately. 

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Toxocaria

One of the more interesting aspects to Paige is how she arose and developed without external prompting.  OK lets qualify that straight off.  There has been external infulences, Jodie, Alison, the Internet but as important as these were they were after the initial go for it urge.  The The second thing to say is we are 5 years down the line and its so strong today, if not more so. This suggests that it was an inherent property of me waiting in the wings.  Sadly being constrained and having to be in the shadows this causes me pain and to an extent Paige is, indirectly, a cause of some pain.  Granted there is the second arguement that if I did have a clear field how far would I take it?  It can be said that the entire history has been one of advancing forward in an exploratory mannerand the hormones are the first case where thyere has been some retreat.  The problem which may arise is that by the time I am in a position to express Paige more fully I will not be able to present my self, shall we say, to well.  Already I will never be young and dressed, no unlined face. 
Put up a short movie of me stripping out of Swiss tankers overalls.  Thought it was pure clck bait. Wrong.  Then put up a good pic of me in catsuit, done it before.  gets a more favourable response, more favorites and comments.  Most unexpected and not sure what, if anything, it means.  Bought 2 tops from Aldi, nearly bought linen trousers as well.  There is a saying "once you buy trousers you are TS not TV "  Err, possibly.
Backed up blog.  Surprisingly easy.Pics too.  It would be nice to see the first blog and possibly first Flickr stream.  Then again there was not much on the blog so may be no big loss to the world.


Sunday, 2 June 2013

Keep calm and cary on

Just been backing up my Flickr account pics.  As ever the slightsense of comfort that the pics are safe for future generations!  However ignoring techinical advances in picture taking and makeup there is little to cheer.  Granted there has been a few outside pics creeping in and that the Flickr account is not the full story it is not ideal.  Not too bad but wrinkles sem to be creeping in.  The body has put on a bit of weight and is not so toned.  Not too bad but certainly not ideal.  Entropy strikes again.  Granted Flickr is not as important as it once was so the lack of pics is not so important  as it would have been in previous years.  OK its a snapshot of 4 important years but only 4 years.  Interestingly there has ben no overall message or sense coming out.  Nothing leaps to mind given such a MetSapphire archive.  No sense of failure or waste of time so thats positive.  No sense of what am I doing?  No sense of what a waste of money or its time wasted. We shall see what summer 2013 brings.  On the whole it could be worse, I wrote that on wal of the toilets in the Lands End pub in Brighton.  Probably womens toilets when dressed in february of this year.
Found the pic on the phone.  2011.Nope wasnot dressed then. Paige has only really been doing it for real for say 2 years.  Scary really.  OK other times nocturnal and brief daylight test flights.

Friday, 31 May 2013

Still on the pitch, doing the hard tackles

It is friday night.  It had been a productive day and I have had the evening to myself and wll have the rest of the night.  Little bit of camming and some, not many, new pics.  not as good as last time but still better with new flash.  sadly at 12st someting sometimes I look slightly chubby.   More worryingly I also look a bit old. No surprise there.  Its begining to feel as if I started a race late and though people will admire how much ground I have made up and my effort I will never be in the top group.  There has been so much effort too; dieting, exercise, contact lenses, MAC makeup, camera etc, a lot of research and, lets befair if slightly vain for a moment, I have made a damn good fist of it.  other girls are fatter, take worse pics, a bad with makeup and their effect is worse.  However they look young and could lap me if they put the work in.
So what am I saying, a gradual acceptance of my lot and withdraw from the game? Well only to an extent.  As long as I have good legs and am thin this girl will be out there.  There is the question of where out there is going to be but lets ignore that for now. 
My knees hurt and for 2 pins I would not have bothered tonight. There could have been other reasons for being tired. 
Not too shabby for 50?

Just a quick addenda.  I never had a girl friend, there was a "false memory" about cutting my penis" and also my voice not breaking.  I was never a rufty tufty male.  How much of that could be put down to shyness or autism, however you are defining that, and how much to a latent GID?  I am searching around again for a ceolacanth.  Some sign, some shadow, some protoPaige, something I can cling onto.  

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Red Shift

Managed to get in a photosession today.  It was a bit of a battle.  From the battle to find stuff which included a drawer breaking, the catsuit being well hidden and a lot of getting into a right tizzy.  Didnot really enjoy it at the time.  As happens at the end the final few shots just worked.  Used the old auburn wig, shame the sideburns showed.  The exposure is still off and the focus seemed to be a battle.  Need to reduce the time between shots too.  General grief after being nearly found out last time.  On the plus side used the MAC studiofix foundation much lighter and it was a result.  The entire makeup part seemed to be quite quick.
Other matters.  The new bra is a definite success.  Get a bit of cleavage which can work with.  Brighton 2013 is just going to be friday to friday sadly.  Got ticket email and saw £15 but not sure wanted friday.  After lunch went for it and it had gone up to £27.  Had a bit of a dither about a couple of days in University of Brighton accommodation £60.  Again issue with where to put pack.  Also realy, really didnot want to go back there, though it would be quiet and cheap.  As it stands will only get 5 days dressed and 1 day for walk.  Be nice to get second friday and saturday.  The compromise I have made is that there WILL be a holiday in october.
Flickr has changed.  Be nice to get 1 Tb of storage but the interface is really horrible.  Do not want to leave or anything but will see. 
Stretched right nipple to 2 mm and downsized left to 2 mm.  Surprisingly painful.  Wearing BCR rings now.  May even have to retire left for repiercing.  Still really want PA again. 
Paige has been rumbling again.  The 2 mg per day has put the mind back to female mode.  Nipples sensitive.
Need 2013 to be a success. 
Still have not started work on voice.