Saturday, 27 October 2012

Body positive

I have just completed a monster epilation session.  The hair was surprisingly long, soft too but it had to go .  Usual pain of course and need to do neck and back with razor.  Feel a bit more girly.  Still eating too much, doing the wrong type of exercise and not dressing enough, the cold weather does that. Manchester on tuesday evening.  Lots of things there.  Lets ignore all the nostalgia issue but for Paige there is a rather nice possibility.  If there is an alternative to Brighton well that would be good.  Not sure what to expect from the "Village" a few evenings out in bars will do anything more will be a bonus.  The press seems to suggest it is some trans colony or reservation, we shall see. Hope to walk around Manchester dressed too.  This I have been told is not unreasonable. 
Two weeks into esterfem, 2 mg, have there been any signs?  Bit more of a tizzy possibly, feel more tired and very slight breast softness.  OK all explanable by alternative things.  Lets not forget the herbal hormone trial which basically could never do anything and at first seemed positive.  In theory let the body adapt to the low hormone dose and lets see what physiological and psychological effects happen.  My testesterone should be low so T blockers not required but 30 plus years of testesterone have had negative effects and what we can expect with such little intervention is debatable.  Of course what effects do I want and how far do I really want to go?  In 2 years time I may have a window to find a place by myself, more dressing.  Job wise breats and possible transition would require a different job.  Lots of stuff there.  Have not done anything about the voice either. 

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Smoking Gun

When a teenager my voice took forever to "break."  To make things worse I had a very high pitched voice.  None of this should matter but a lot of my cohort at school were very unkind and unnecessary.  Not a nice time.  Dad and I went to my GP who reccommended reading out a loud and letting time do its work.  Dad was not very inpressed with this and actually by 17 the voice did break and is, sadly, deep, and sometimes a bit Mr Bean like. Anyway when I said I was off to the GP and asked what they might be able to do I said "hormones."  One boy kept saying hormones to me in a nasty way for quite some time.  He later turned out to be gay I believe so had his own inner demons but again not nice.
Anyway last saturday at 1715 hours I put a blue 2 mg esterfem pill on my tongue and let it dissolve.  In some attempt at ritual I stared at a nice pic of Audrey Hepburn at the same time. It is wednesday and I now realise I should put it under the tongue to absorb better. Any effects to date are probably psychological, as happened with some herbal supplements last year, but might get some effect.  Its the ratchet effect, need to go further, do more.  If it calms the mental chatter that would be enough.I would be happy to lose my libido too, no more erections on a saturday or sunday morning at 6 am would be great.  Not masturbating much either.  Was not even before the P.A. piercing.  My erotic imaginings have not involved penetrative sex for some time. 
It would be nice to imagine that the voice breaking suggests some feminisation or other issue.  Sadly I have good beard growth and body hair including pubic hair which I battle with at a regular basis.  Mind you the pain in the scrotum and the KYjelly breast fantasy might suggest a nascent Sapphire saying hello!

Friday, 12 October 2012

The camera never lies.

Sometimes you do a set of pics, they are not good, lets not go there now, but reviewing them there is a pic which resonates for reasons you do not understand.  Here is one.  I was actually probably only avoiding the flash but it has a something.. OK I have popped it through photoshop, altered the levels but its basically the same pic.  Tgirl isolation, being alone, small me in a large world, choose your own caption.  I do not see it as a sad pic it may even find its way onto Flickr possibly its important for reasons I do not know yet.  Bit of subsciouscious peeking out.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Warts and all

OK i have slightly edited the right big toe as there is blood under the nail but thats it. Its been a bit of a battle to get that pic.  Finally got time to do pics.  There is a big issue about the camera and its sharpness. the placing of the flash.  Things should be much sharper.  What is coming into focus is that the face is not a young face, the eyes, the long nose mouth lines, not good.  Also the ribcage.  My chest is too big to pass. The hands are wrong too.  Also I get into a right tizzy when dressing.  Putting the makeup on is a pain, it does not hide anything and you wonder how effective it all is.  However I am thin, good legs so it not all bad, the point being coming from a man to female.  Going purely as a female is not good at all.  Its not just a physical thing though.  Its gender not phenotype shall we say.  Its a mental thing.Seem to be moving on in things. OK not when doing the pics, there is a different dynamic there, thatsnot enjoyable, the risk of getting caught, time limited and general tizzyness.  Even Flickr is a different place today and I want different things from it.  What do I want now?  Peace and to be relaxed about sexuality.  There you go.

Friday, 5 October 2012

Reconnaissance by fire

Several possible topics here.  Could be getting a PA piercing, the hangover after 10 Paige days at Brighton but lets go with a rather more hinterland topic shall we say.  I have ordered 2 mg esterfom, spelt wrong, and lets say it arrives safely, lets say it does not trash my liver or a DVT clot wastes me.  Lets say rather it goes, as Brighton 2012 did, horribly right.  I feel better, right and happy.  What then? I like the term "diagnostic dose"   for that is what it is.  Lets ignore the wanting breasts bit.  Say I do not want to stop.  How long before physical signs become too apparent, before need to be Paige more often?  Lets be honest.  Its drive again.   Currently its OK, bit expensive, bit of unconfortable mental stuff but not too bad.  Coping.  The counselling was great for the spectrum idea but it did not really say where I am.  I am not in a happy place but I could be moving to a less happy place.  The assmption is that the final destination is a happy place.  What if it is not.  What if in getting there you do too much damage to a lot of things?  Transitioning at a school, get real.  IF, big IF, things get more serious,   would need to find new accommodation, new job at the very least.  Loads of sacrifices.  Tricky one.  No answers again.  Diagnostic dose indeed.