Sunday, 27 January 2013

European grey Hiroshima Mon Amore

It is sunday afternoon again.  Two glasses of slightly oxidised red wine have failed to do anything worthwhile. Again I ironed yesterday so am sitting here by a roaring calor gas and tornado candle.  Earlier today I went to the gym.  Used to do 15 times 2 reps of the highest weight I could manage but this actually worked and there was some muscle mass growth so stopped that.  Thighs mostly but not good.  Now dohigh reps low weight exercises and 15 mins on the treadmill.  Hope it works.  Mind you pilates hits the "powerhouse" much more. Tempted to try running outside again.  Need to get back into shape could lose half a stone probably, certainly need to lose "love handles."  Slight sign of growth of breasts, occassional twinge.  Hate my hair on the body and legs.  The rib cage is too large for a womans and the muscles "6 pack" looks wrong too.  From the front its OK but from the side its soo wrong.  Nothing can be done though, cannot change skeletal structure.  Feet looking a bit rough too.  The crease at the elbow is more obvious too.  Still thin still 6 ft 2 in. 
In just over 3 weeks I shall be going to Brighton.  Wednesday Alison Dale, thursday and friday Brighton.  There will be 2 days of external dressing, possibly in the cold! Cost is quite high, £100 trains, accommodation £150.  Alison £200.  Then there is spending money and the rest. So beaucoup money then.  However the costs of not doing it are MUCH higher.  Dark, cold, snowy post christmas mornings, moments with the mind in neutral think 6,5, 4 weeks to go.  That ignores the need to be ME.  See that just popped out.  Blame 50ml of whisky and another glass of red wine.  Actually suspect ME does not need to go full time just be ME a lot more than I am.  Not sure about that one but it may be the best compromise.  Cholesterol is 4.25 so the GP scare may be not too important  The hormones may not be trashing the liver.  Still need to get LFT's etc done.  I am now groping for a final sentence to tie it all together.  Had hoped to do something in April but bob me life events suggest that may not be an option.  Still could do Manchester or Liverpool.   Still like echo beach thats far away in time. 

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Watch on the Rhine

It is late sunday afternoon, I have had half a bottle of wine and a litle rum and cola.  Its sort of OK really, I am warm, slightly drunk and have pilated quite well so feel OK.  Shaved chest, some slight sign of growth.  Had hoped to dress.  Getting to me now.  Not a proper session for some time.  Tuesday may well not happen at all. Time on holiday is good for Paige but time here is not but most time is spent here.  There is the rub.Am I prepared to make the changes.  Or am I in a sort of limbo want more but the drive is not great enough.  Everything I have achieved so far I have had to do, very little has been luck, OK to my knowledge. may be wrong but never know.   Where now?  Its like with HiFi.  You can do all the cheap easy upgrades but there comes a point where to get the next level of sound you will have to pay big money.  So it is here. Shaving, earpiercing and dieting are all reasonably cheap options.  The time is nearing where big choices may well have to be made.  Sometimes though it may not feel like it there are worse things than being slightly down and disquiet you are not in pain or fear or doubting your future.  Granted that is the way to stagnation but possibly contentment as well.  Lets see where the drive takes us.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Play the ball as it lies

Was in Tescos and they had as a yellow label "miniblinis."  Like Prousts madeline's, say the Jacobs orange club and Moor House or Middleton House, sent back to the early eighties and the Lanes Brighton.  Well, on a wall on the good Lanes there was a sign "Russian Blinis"  no doubt to a restaurant doing said consumtables. Possibly even strong vodka.   Like Browns and the antique shop  Brighton was full of places I thought I hadno right to go.  I have a memory in 1985 looking in a mirrow and saying I have a waist and being mildly shocked.  In 1985 there were a couple of "experiments" into crossdressing which fizzled out.  Years later remember being in "Tranny Party" now sadly defunct and people talkng about the trans Brighton places, not very many it has to be said but interesting.  Suspect am trying to justify decades of denial.  Denial really?  OK it does not matter.  I am here now and have done quite a few things which puts me in a good position.  Perhaps thats it.  how many times must I cut the Gordian knot?  I am here now and it works. I t did not in the past for what ever reason but it does now.  Move foward for stagnation lies otherwise.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Cutting ones cloth

Today I sent off the £50 deposit to Alison Dale for the appointment.  This involves going to some not ideal places which may be totally not the image they want to represent.  Moving on.  Its a very expensive 4 hours but is it worth it?  Certainly the Boudoir appointments showed dimishing returns but that is to be expected.  So are we finding that with Alison Dale?  Moved on of course, had been rarely out in Jodie's day more experienced now.  No support group then is now. All of these facts should point to a lesser need to go to a dressing service. Different styles of course.It has to be said that there was a bit of a wobble However there we are.  Not so sure about the sumer for various reasons.  No sure where to stay, whether want another dressing appt. and , most scary of all, not sure will have the money or even job.  The article in TLI was fab, definite result, do not seem to need the Flickr buzz as much as before.  So summer 2013.  Needs a lot of thinking.  Possibly only 7 days but nice place, no dressing appt.  Could be a runner.  Brighton's still a bit of a distance to go and need to do walk.  Will keep open mind to alternatives.
February 2013 is getting to be quite expensive;

hotel                                            £120
travel to and from Brighton           £100
Dressing appt                              £200
ticket to and from London            £24
Oyster card                                £15
drink, food etc                            £200

Its a bad time, after Xmas before the big car MOT, insurance etc. 
However the cost of not doing it to my general well being is much greater.
Would like to do something in April and November.  Ideally Manchester may be a viable option for a few days, closer and Canal street.  London may be an option too.  Lets make the most of the february holidays first.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

First seen by somebody else

Was reading on the Angels website one of the more common questions asked about dressing services. I was taken back to my first visit.  It was the Boudoir.  I remember lying in bed Christmas holidays and realising that it might just be possible to do London in February.  The logistics required staying with a friend and lying about where I was going. Remember sitting in car in college car park in the dark phoning to see whether they had got the deposit. Also remember delibrately walking round the block of flats 3 times before pressing the buttons on a black tile to let me in.  At the time I suspected once you started playing with the gender divide then things couild get messy.  Suspect now actually it was a symptom rather than a cause.  Well there was the moment where the makeup is put on and you close your eyes the wig is put on and hairspray applied.  Its a coup de theatre when you are asked to open your eyes and look into the mirror in front of you.  It shows how important hair is to the whole effect.  So how as it for me? Well, I remember looking at the face from different angles going "yes, yes" in a quiet voice.  Others report a sense of coming home and walking on air for days after.  I had none of that.  Remember a sense of guilt at lying creeping in towards the end Also remember the "thats late to start."  Actually the walking round 3 times may have come from the other girl who came in at the end and not actually mine.  As ever, need to be careful about memory.  That suggests it was aflop. What I wanted, empirical as ever, was a test, a stone cold 100%  there it is is that you?  Well the result was not a strong positive but that may have been due to 45 years of conditioning to redo.  It took an awfully long time  to get over that. However I have moved on so much the phrase is now redundant. 

Sunday, 6 January 2013

Forward not back

I am not totally convinced seeing years as starting and beginning rather than a linear, times arrow, isa good thing.  However, We stand here staring into the vast unchartered 2013 and wonder what it holds and what we want to achieve so it has a value.  Its not going to be a review of 2012 which has resisted a single punch line.  It would be reasonable to assume one big summer holiday and 2 smaller few days away, indeed february is already booked.  With Manchester so close possibly one more.  What else? Well the hormones, will be upping to 4 mg per day, could be interesting. The support group is nice but not certain about its future or its importance, which is not to say I want to stop but some of the people are not quite what I would choose to spend time with, snob, moi?  In a sense Sunderland is a state of statis for Sapphire with the odd set of pics and   hurried dressing.  Allright the support group as well.  Yet that is the place I am say 49 weeks a year.  Possibly in a couple of years I could have my own place, that would change things dramatically. I could be unemployed, outed, doing a RLE, none of these things are impossible albeit unlikely.  OK here's the big thing.  Is male me just a platform for female me, do I hate being a male and need to transition so badly?  Talking about the real world.     Also separating SRS from transitioning here too.  Currently the answer is NO but it may change, need a different job though which in itself suggests the answer is NO.  Be nice to do London dressed, possibly some friends in Newcastle/Sunderland could see dressed that would be good    Well into fantasy now.