Bit of a result really

It is now 01.18 on new years day.  The pic was taken yesterday, just.  Had tea, dressed at 11. 45 got changed into nighties,  socks and kimono.  Saw 2013 as a girl.  OK leta do a Mystic Meg, non attritubable hopes for Paige for 2013.  Lastyear was good; from Brighton 2012 to the councelllingto article in TLI it was good.  Away from home.  Popped out of the door for 30 secs tonight wearing above.  In darkness but even so. The support group helped.  So for 2013?  Will 2012 be enough?  It may have to be, it could be a lot worse.  Lets seewhat the hormones do.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

traditional gaelic blessing

Finally got a full dressing session in, makeup whole biz.  Sadly not spooked too early and stopped.  Lots of stuff could unpack there but lets move on.  The pic above was taken then so pay attention to it!  Starting to do a timeline of Sapphires evolution, Transister evening, first nocturnal visit, Flickr account etc. Lets look at the pics, lets see them as individual fossils in the strata laid down over time.  What is the purpose of a pic?  Several answers but lets accept the camera can lie and some pics are less "accurate" than others.  There has been the more than occassional pic of me looking old. Lets lok at the pic above.  On the plus side I appear thin, reasonably well madeup and fab legs.  Its the new wig actually, great hopes for it.  There is a PVC skirt and heels so thatgrabs the eyes.  Look at the face.  Its an old face, the 2 nose mouth creases give the game away.  Actually using Aldi foundation and powder, not ideal coverage but for a couple of hours OK.  Granted its too close to the flashso the lines are harsh.  Now if you said its an older woman is that enough? Going back to the timeline, sadly started at 44-45. So never young but doing the best with what have got.  The timeline shows evolution by jerks progress made during holidays and when away.  To be fair rapid progress but still from a base of middle 40's.  Done well all things considered. 
So how much longer can I do the young girl look for?  Perhaps I do pass but as an late 40's woman. Currently that does not feel enough but reality is creeping in.  It may be enough soon. Indeed it is already better than quite a few girls have the opportunity to do.

Bit of a rehash

When a teenager and beyond liked army surplus gear and bought a surprisingly large amount of clothing etc.  However on very few occasions did I actually go out and wear them.   I felt too self conscious.  Still have some items but do not wear them outside.  However I am happy and indeed need to wear female clothes and go out.  At 6 ft 2 in with a voice like a peacock calling for rain I do it and damm well will continue to do it. Hopefully this will be the year of the voice where I change it to, ideally, Sussanah Harker, but I may be still fooling myself about passing.  Lets take a typical scenario, I shave very closely, 10 minutes, moisturise and wait.  Get out the cosmetics.  This will take 30-40 minutes, lips are tricky. Then say 15 minutes for wig and clothes.  5 minutes for final checks.  Then out. Two outs come to mind. Say Peasmore Hall at london, going over the metal grating past reception and the swipe doors and out waiting for the taxi to Jodi's.  Then the down the stairs, through the bar and down the stairs, turn left or right and then into Kemp town.  This bit is easy and I can chat to waitresses in Legends easily.  I remember a gurl going from the reception doors through the bar and out. She had a large wig on, heels and walked as if she had a backpack with insulin in it through a storm.  I ever since slowed down and looked around me. 
OK for the Gordian knot.  Revisited.  Male me in a camoflage jacket could do it but does not need to.  Me in 4 in heels and a bum skimming dress has done it.  Do not know where it has come from but it is here to stay and has nothing to prove.  Roll on february.

Waiting for it all to begin

I have had a cold off and on for say 7 weeks, coughing up coloured mucus showing infection. Sti ll a bit off and not certain about Xmas. On the plus side I have lost some weight!  Normally for Xmas I would do some shots of me in a Santa outfit and photoshop a message.  I have not really had the opportunity to do one or, to a slight extent, the desire to do a shoot.  Would be nice to get the fridays back and even the new years eve.Been looking at my Flickr account 800 plus pics but the frequency is tailing off.  Possibly I do not need the buzz of comments as much as I used to.  Hopefully this is due to the support group and/or general maturing.  Realised pne reason why I do not look happy in the pics is because I am allways slightly worried about being caught.  february is nearly completely planned, just need the returnn ticket.  Would like to do a La Senza day even though it does not exist anymore, possibly Marks and Spencers! 

A worrying possibility is that the sense of weakness and inability to shake tyhe cold is due to the liver being trashed/ blood clot in lung due to the hormones.  Hopefully not.  Some very very slight sign of breast growth but not a lot.  Went to GP She says "you have body piercings and tattoos"  not sure what that was supposed to mean.  Perhaps should have asked her for a LFT! 
Pic shows Paige at Rottingdean, look old in the face perhaps should be using a larger size top. Saw a massive dragonfly.  Thirty years too late possibly but that way lies madness.

Steady as she goes

Well I have been published in TLI.  Only 1 page 3 small pics, for some reason expected 2 pages. Text as I wrote.  Hope it is useful to someone and gives them courage.  OK that sounds smaltzy but it is well meant.  Looked at the pics and did look older, not good.  Still been published so thats the main thing.
Have not had much chance to dress properly; full makeup, pics etc but am still going to the support group so that is really helping.  Have not done a merry christmas pic, may have to use an old one, not ideal but better than nothing. 
Not sure how much dressing over the christmas holidays will be occuring.  Mouth watering possibility of New Years eve dressed but would like a full day. 
Had to retire PA.  Larger BCR did not work, curved barbell anchored the foreskin down.  Possibly a horseshoe BCR might have but suspect not.  Hope the fistula atrophies away, its closed up nicely already.  Can pee fine.. Miss the piercing though.  
Hormones, well not sure there.  Possible growth of breasts, v.v slight.  Two months in now, no T blocker which I feel would be more dangerous.  Do I feel better?  Ignoring the cold, tooth issues, issues with neice, difficult to say.  Arguably a little bit.  Suspect some slight mood swings may be occuring.  Early days.

Been a bitty post this one.  No big central theme.  Possibly thats how it goes.  Had a brief "am I a girl" moment but really suspect not.  Do not really think its because all the big issues have been sorted. Hoping for a good Xmas, would be good for male and female me.

Mr Benn

OK bit of a philosophical one this.What do you do when dressed?  Ignoring the hurried take loads of pics its a good time.  Move on.  When away get chance to be all day, not at work, obviously, do nice things, drink in the day, walk about, spend money be myself.  Do very little of the boring stuff of life, lets call it the fibre.  OK some boring stuff, getting caught in the rain, getting sunburn on feet and back, shopping in Sainsburys, being bored in the bus queue.  There you go, strip off the humdrum stuff then no wonder the dressed stuff is lovely, putting aside the nerves about being out there.  So Brighton 2012 very quickly became in my memories an alternative universe where nice things happened but could not happen here.  Sort of an alternative universe, or tranny portal. Did I really spend so much time dressed, was it really so easy?  Yes it was.  Could it happen in the "working week?"  Probably not.  OK the big one.  Im I a womens mind in a males body?  Ha, ha know that is a simplistic question and the answer is there is no single male or female but a spectrum so the better question is would my level of dysphoria be so great that surgical intervention will be required, or dressing as a woman full time?  Lets be honest, probably not.  So what is the hormane taking about then?  Err?

Worlds AIDS Day 2012

This is me in a train just leaving Brighton station.  I had hoped to actually participate in World AIDS day in Newcastle and indeed spent several hours making lanterns for the Newcastle demonstration.  Sadly a cold, and possibly reality, meant this did not happen. Between 1986 and 1989 I worked in the PHLS, virology, and was involved in AIDS testing.  For March 1986 and early 1987 I commuted from Brighton to London so the picture has some revellance.  I prefer to believe I made some slight difference.

Play the ball as it lies

It is really starting to get to me that my face is looking increasingly old.That I am old, that there are no pics of me dressed young.  Lets do a thought experiment.  Say it had allways been there and I knew it, so we are saying middle 1970's a young teenager what sort of life would it have been? Probably not very good, at best very frustrating but at worst, best not to think about.  OK on the plus side there was a lot of living away from home and by myself. which would have been good for Sapphire. So many problems there would have been.  No Internet, wow big one that, going out dressed, no way, no Lacies, no MAC, no Angels, no Boudoir, no DIGITAL CAMERAS.  Moving on, when would it have been "safe" to "break out?" OK lets say 2000 ish. So really only lost a few years.  Of course all of the above is nonsense, if you have to do it you do it, its not really a choice. It still burns and probably allways will.  An extra 5 -7 years, could have been some good stuff there.  In 5 years the face will look older.  Not good. The picture shows Brighton station from 1984.  I thought I remembered the mechanical board but seeing this pic confirmed it.  There may be some interesting aspects regarding memory here but suppose I had a blinding tranny transformation then how would things have been different, better, worse? 

Breath in, breathe out, nearly finished.

Lets try something new a post where I do not know where its going.  I have mentioned piercings before in this blog and I have rather a lot of them.  It strated with a navel piercing for very girly reasons then nipples, lots of good psychological stuff there.  Then a pubic one, ok actually a microdermal, 2 more microdermals. A guiche, that rejected so another one.  Then a lorum , that went fine and so the scrotal ladder.  Ending, probably, with the prince Albert piercing.  The nipples have been stretched to 5 mm. The right one rejected and so repierced.  Nearlt forgot, 2 more in navel.  Then there is the 2 lobes.  Here we go, what does this say about my body image?  The navel was girly, the lobes pure girl for ear rings and also a sign of confidence.  The nipples are interesting and probably hark back to the old dream of 2 girls sucking my nipples when I was in my early 20's.  Possibly the scrotal and PA piercings are some attempt to modify and change poaaibly in some way obliterate the usual function of these organs.  The tattoo was yin/yan of my trans status. Perhaps once you exercise, lose weight and generally attempt to modify the body and body image then you see the body in a different, more plastic way.  Mind you, I am in a perverse way, happy with my body in that it is toned and thin and not gone to seed.  That takes work and effort and diet, especially as you get older. Knees are a bit of a pain though.  What about the hormones you shout?  Well is that body modification or realignment?  If I was happy to show pierced ears how much breast development, if it happens, would I be happy with? Will there be more piercings?  Well at least one as 1 scrotal ladder rejected.  Ideally Punktured in Brighton would do it.  Sense of circle there.  Getting transitioned at the Nuffield outside Brighton, a penetration too far, at the moment.

Cowboys and Indians

The above picture shows my flat shoes lower centre at Hove museum. The pic has had levels very altered to show the cowboys, indians, space aliens, britishy soldiers therein. This is one of those "historically important" places I suppose we all have.  For reasons not totally understood I tend to come close to tears here and visit it on the last day of my holidays before going home.  I have been there twice dressed, the last time in summer 2012 where I did the big one.  Had you said 2 years before this would be possible, bus, out for several days, I would have loved to believe it but dubious.  So you can see there has been a lot of progress in 5 years.  Yet how many times have I been out dressed and how many chances have I had in the last 5 years?  Lets assume 3 holidays a year, 1 at 11 days, well its not enough but how much further will I be allowed to progress?
Lets do a quick "thought experiment"`Suppose a rich but unknown relative dies and leaves me a flat in Brighton, Embassy Court  possibly.  I have enough to live on but not regally and my job changes so I can work at home or when dressed.  How much more would I progress, would transition even be an option. Next scenario.  I get a flat to myself here or Kim goes to university and I get more time.  Well much more dressing but not going out.  Not so much progression.  So coming to the crux of the matter; how much do I want and how much am I prepared to change and/or sacrifice?  How far down the line am I? 

Noodling around.

Not quite sure where I an going with this post but lets see.  20 plus days into hormones and where are we?  Libido certainly lower, result, harder to get hard or want to.  Arguably need to pee more but that could be the weather.  Possibly, being realistic, its far too early to expect anything. 
Had a panic about breast cancer and hormones.  Seems this was not a real concern but really should get a baseline taken.  LFT's and full blood count would cost say £100 private.  Been on the web searching.  Would not do any harm cutting down on the drink either.  Ordered another 2 months supply.  The hormones seem cheap, the testing expensive.  Cilla T Bang called 2 mg of estrofem, not a lot.  The TV Chix doctor slightly disagreed.

Thinking about a PVC catsuit Xmas coming up.  Be reasonable to get some time to wear it.  Hoping for a visit to Alison's in February.  By december will know if pics and article accepted.  Gone slightly off the boil on this one.  Still if published good for me and Alison, slightly in her case.

Welcome to the Village No 6.

First pass at Manchester, how was it for you?  Well there is a sense of quiet success.  OK the cold put a dampner on things. The Village is a long road really when on friday went there did not see any other T girls and left which was a shame.  Wednesday was much better. Nice to get the sound of your stilletto heels on the pavement, stilletto buzz indeed. Met several tgirls, saw quite a few more.  Went to several places, chatted well, met S. whose Flickr stream I liked and who liked mine.  Talked about navel piercings.  Walked around in heels, was see by lots of people. "are you a boy" "shh, Charlotte"  Absolute result.  Even the friday night brief excursion got a bottle of Rose at Spar, no problems.  Amusing incident with French family in lift.  Spent all wednesday dressed walking around Manchester.  One possibly two negative comments.  Decided against doing Liverpool dressed.  Packed train, it rained, probably a correct result but even so.  Bought some nice things for Sapphire.  So yes it was a definite success, first time out in new city.  Good to have done the Village.  Would do it again but would defintely try to get people sorted first Possibly the Manchester Concord may be the way to go.Is it a place to consider again, yes it is.  April next year possibly.

Body positive

I have just completed a monster epilation session.  The hair was surprisingly long, soft too but it had to go .  Usual pain of course and need to do neck and back with razor.  Feel a bit more girly.  Still eating too much, doing the wrong type of exercise and not dressing enough, the cold weather does that. Manchester on tuesday evening.  Lots of things there.  Lets ignore all the nostalgia issue but for Paige there is a rather nice possibility.  If there is an alternative to Brighton well that would be good.  Not sure what to expect from the "Village" a few evenings out in bars will do anything more will be a bonus.  The press seems to suggest it is some trans colony or reservation, we shall see. Hope to walk around Manchester dressed too.  This I have been told is not unreasonable. 

Two weeks into esterfem, 2 mg, have there been any signs?  Bit more of a tizzy possibly, feel more tired and very slight breast softness.  OK all explanable by alternative things.  Lets not forget the herbal hormone trial which basically could never do anything and at first seemed positive.  In theory let the body adapt to the low hormone dose and lets see what physiological and psychological effects happen.  My testesterone should be low so T blockers not required but 30 plus years of testesterone have had negative effects and what we can expect with such little intervention is debatable.  Of course what effects do I want and how far do I really want to go?  In 2 years time I may have a window to find a place by myself, more dressing.  Job wise breats and possible transition would require a different job.  Lots of stuff there.  Have not done anything about the voice either. 

Smoking Gun

When a teenager my voice took forever to "break."  To make things worse I had a very high pitched voice.  None of this should matter but a lot of my cohort at school were very unkind and unnecessary.  Not a nice time.  Dad and I went to my GP who reccommended reading out a loud and letting time do its work.  Dad was not very inpressed with this and actually by 17 the voice did break and is, sadly, deep, and sometimes a bit Mr Bean like. Anyway when I said I was off to the GP and asked what they might be able to do I said "hormones."  One boy kept saying hormones to me in a nasty way for quite some time.  He later turned out to be gay I believe so had his own inner demons but again not nice.
Anyway last saturday at 1715 hours I put a blue 2 mg esterfem pill on my tongue and let it dissolve.  In some attempt at ritual I stared at a nice pic of Audrey Hepburn at the same time. It is wednesday and I now realise I should put it under the tongue to absorb better. Any effects to date are probably psychological, as happened with some herbal supplements last year, but might get some effect.  Its the ratchet effect, need to go further, do more.  If it calms the mental chatter that would be enough.I would be happy to lose my libido too, no more erections on a saturday or sunday morning at 6 am would be great.  Not masturbating much either.  Was not even before the P.A. piercing.  My erotic imaginings have not involved penetrative sex for some time. 
It would be nice to imagine that the voice breaking suggests some feminisation or other issue.  Sadly I have good beard growth and body hair including pubic hair which I battle with at a regular basis.  Mind you the pain in the scrotum and the KYjelly breast fantasy might suggest a nascent Sapphire saying hello!

The camera never lies.

Sometimes you do a set of pics, they are not good, lets not go there now, but reviewing them there is a pic which resonates for reasons you do not understand.  Here is one.  I was actually probably only avoiding the flash but it has a something.. OK I have popped it through photoshop, altered the levels but its basically the same pic.  Tgirl isolation, being alone, small me in a large world, choose your own caption.  I do not see it as a sad pic it may even find its way onto Flickr possibly its important for reasons I do not know yet.  Bit of subsciouscious peeking out.

Warts and all

OK i have slightly edited the right big toe as there is blood under the nail but thats it. Its been a bit of a battle to get that pic.  Finally got time to do pics.  There is a big issue about the camera and its sharpness. the placing of the flash.  Things should be much sharper.  What is coming into focus is that the face is not a young face, the eyes, the long nose mouth lines, not good.  Also the ribcage.  My chest is too big to pass. The hands are wrong too.  Also I get into a right tizzy when dressing.  Putting the makeup on is a pain, it does not hide anything and you wonder how effective it all is.  However I am thin, good legs so it not all bad, the point being coming from a man to female.  Going purely as a female is not good at all.  Its not just a physical thing though.  Its gender not phenotype shall we say.  Its a mental thing.Seem to be moving on in things. OK not when doing the pics, there is a different dynamic there, thatsnot enjoyable, the risk of getting caught, time limited and general tizzyness.  Even Flickr is a different place today and I want different things from it.  What do I want now?  Peace and to be relaxed about sexuality.  There you go.

Reconnaissance by fire

Several possible topics here.  Could be getting a PA piercing, the hangover after 10 Paige days at Brighton but lets go with a rather more hinterland topic shall we say.  I have ordered 2 mg esterfom, spelt wrong, and lets say it arrives safely, lets say it does not trash my liver or a DVT clot wastes me.  Lets say rather it goes, as Brighton 2012 did, horribly right.  I feel better, right and happy.  What then? I like the term "diagnostic dose"   for that is what it is.  Lets ignore the wanting breasts bit.  Say I do not want to stop.  How long before physical signs become too apparent, before need to be Paige more often?  Lets be honest.  Its drive again.   Currently its OK, bit expensive, bit of unconfortable mental stuff but not too bad.  Coping.  The counselling was great for the spectrum idea but it did not really say where I am.  I am not in a happy place but I could be moving to a less happy place.  The assmption is that the final destination is a happy place.  What if it is not.  What if in getting there you do too much damage to a lot of things?  Transitioning at a school, get real.  IF, big IF, things get more serious,   would need to find new accommodation, new job at the very least.  Loads of sacrifices.  Tricky one.  No answers again.  Diagnostic dose indeed.

Going past zone 2 to zone 3?

It is 5 weeks since Brighton 2012, get the teeshirt. Coming back on the train I was worried there would be issues readjusting. Perhaps as well hoping this would be a sign that Sapphire was genuine so there would be issues.  Well first couple of weeks went well then things got a bit worse.  Its not crawling up the walls but she is in m dreams more and there are "acid flash backs."  Possibly if the support group had been on that would help but even so there is now an issue that I have shown I can do it and have done it and want to do it again.  Hormones have raised their head again.  Not a good sign. As ever what do I want?  The answer is currently to be Sapphire not on holiday, notice what I did there?, would require a massive change in circumstances.  However, how much do I want to be Sapphire bearing in mind soon I will be much less attractive.  As it is, I am not a young girl but "middle aged" so time is running out.  Hormones would be more risky, SRS more so, even if that was where I wanted to go.  Possible first mention of SRS. Could be something in that.  Transitioning at 60?  Would the NHS go for that, would I? 

Reaching Escape Velocity

Absolutely love this pic.  Taken by the toilets at Hove seafront. I had just bought this top from Marks and Spencer Brighton, tried it on in a changing room and actually spoken to the woman there. The   sunglasses kept catching the wig and pulling hair out.  However this is as good as it gets, just out walking being female.  OK you rarely see women by themselves but let it pass.  It was sunny and I was ignored I prefer to believe.  I was on holiday but it was all so easy and natural and right.  I was confident and happy and did it for real.  The bag was fab, shoes broken in and sunblock on.  Bangles would have  been nice but thats a small issue.  Paige is 5 years old, I did this briefly last summer and more so on october and this February but really did it this summer.  I used to worry that I would wake up one day and it would appear to be stupid and a phase.  Well 5 years down the line and there we are.  Lets not be negative.  Lets be positive and hopeful and cut some slack.  It all came together and worked far better than I could have hoped for.  I did it and will do it again!

Neither here or there

Well it's 2 weeks since Brighton and I am not climbing up the walls. A bit of me is slighty disappointed at that as if I have progressed so far but it's probably good news. There have been some very significant twinges and we are defiantly in a new place. I have had the opportunity to dress but did not BUT its burning in the stomach sometimes. Not really sure what to say. It may go away but it may not. It was really important to go to the support group and I do feel a need to interact socially as Paige as opposed to look glam on Flickr, though that is nice too. Found a potential source of hormones needs some honking about this one. Possibly may be able to get a cheeky few days at the end of October,wondering about Manchester? Then we have Sunderland Pride. May be something there. Tricky stuff, possibly will only know in a months time. Some interesting stuff with pierced but that's for another blog and may well fizzle out.

Re-entry

Well Brighton 2012 has been and gone.  So much anticipation and hope and money spent, lets be fair, so how was it?  While we can break the hopes of the holiday down into several subgroups basically it went very well.  Alison Dale was a bit of a curates egg still potential of something being posted on the website and the "dungeon" pics were fun but I am older so its harder for her.  Then again Alison is allways good value to meet.
Moving on to the dressing. Friday, saturday, sunday, tuesday, wednesday, friday and saturday was dressed most of the time with a bit of dressing on thursday and thursday so that was successful beyond expectations.  Pizza with Stella and Kims party went well, shame party was not first friday.  Ideally would have been down during pride possibly next year.  Really pushed to put makeup on and not sure how good I am at it.  Also big lower abdomen not good, really spoils look badly.  Possibly not dressing age appropiate either.  However walk to Rottingdean, train to Lewes, MAC makeover, pasta at University of Sussex, espresso at Carlucci's, drink at The Signalman all very good results.Mary Tyler Moore moments soon replaced by something else, a sense of rightness I think.
Will be returning to this but lets go for the big one. How do I feel back home?  So far its been not too bad.  Little flareups , warm feelings in stomach all nice.  Not sure whether dissappointed or relieved I do not have massive withdrawl symptoms.  Dressed whenever possible so that suggests one thing about my level of dysphoria so possibly that is the thought to go with.  How bad do I want the level ofdysphoria to be?

Second Laser Epiphany

Had a bit of an epiphany a couple of days ago.  I either have late onset gender dysphoria, its allways been there but only expressing itself as dressing now, its some form of Aspergers (new idea but could be) or its something else again. OK I can definetly date dressing to my early 40's,  couple of possible sightings in early 20's but thats it.  If you go with the its allways been there theory then you could argue my social presentation has feminine elements from a very early date.  Actually this would also fit in with the Aspergers theory. Its tricky and difficult to untangle.  OK now for the good bit.  It is fair to say I am where I am today, I do need to do  it, do enjoy it and it fills a certain hole in my life.  Granted it is expensive but cannot really say there are any negatives to it.  Interestingly its had 4 years plus and is only stronger, its probably not going away.  Probably not going to transition to be honest.  So lets put the "where has it come from" theorising on hold in lieu of further information and  just go for it, just let it happen and enjoy it.  What I have done is basically removed the idea that only by knowing what it is caused by dictates how I act going forward in the future.  Its saying, cue Joe Jackson, just "go for it."  What has changed possibly is that the counselling has made me happy with what and where I am so I do not need to know the cause.  Neat solution eh!  OK it may well be revised in the light of new evidence but it has the feeling of "if it looks right it is right" to me.

Facing Reality

As a large chiunk of this blog will attest I came late to the party.  This means a boatload of things but my face over the last few years has started to show my age.  10 years ago I looked significantly younger than I was.  Now I cannot say that.  There are lines under my eyes, big lines between nose and mouth and the skin has lost elasticity.  Of course I am still thin and so if I put on weight some would go to the face and it might help.  That is not an option, I hope.  Big thing coming up belt up tightly.  Perhaps the point is that it is becoming internal, to me, that Sapphire is inside, I do not need to dress, though it helps, so possibly I may look my age but I now know who I am and that is enough.  Its not and it would be great to look young but its not going to happen anytime soon. I do not define myself as much by how I look but how I am.   Be yourself be old but me you. 

California Dreaming

In 4 weeks I shall be nearly ready for Sapphire does Brighton. 10 days of potential and possibility.  Yes, I will be on holiday and Sapphire will be out in daylight.  As ever, anticipation is better than reality but there are certain things it is fair to expect.  Definitely drinking dressed in Legends bar, at least a couple of days out as Sapphire (though hopefully several more), visit to ALison Dale's; all good stuff.  Turning to the probables; meeting Stella, evening at Kims or Kats, makeover at MAC's. Now the possiblies but less likely; meeting Rebecca, evening out dressed, clubbing as Sapphire.  Then there are the unexpected things that you hope might just happen.  Last Brighton was a prime example of this but have to put one'self in the right place first.  Hope it all goes well.  Not sure about wednesday in London, depends but possible I suppose.  Getting a bit excited now!  Part of the problem is that have moved on so far so expect more and hope for more.  Possibly even Clare Project though that is much more unlikely.  Of course it could all be a fiasco but do so hope not.

Sorry girl, you are stuck with it!

Still not sure where I am.  definately like  a litchen I have Sapphire intercalated into me which does say I do not want to transition. As if that was an option.  Anyway did a photoshoot and at the end, when the best pics happen anyway, got a couple of pics of me bit sweaty, bit tired, makeup tired and the strain of doing a shoot showing.  Its not a good pic but perhaps like some Victorian spirit pic it has captured something feminine. Ignore the lines and wrinkles there is something there.  Was in a meeting and my mannerisms were gentle, not necesseraly girly, but felt thats me, not some macho male.  of course do not have the option Sapphire is there in me, is me 24/7 to use a horrible phrase.  Not sure would have said that at the beginning of the blog!

Watch On The Rhine

Not sure where we are. Been several opportunities to dress and take pics and have not taken then.  Its as if Paige has no point to make, she is saying nope have this one I have nothing to prove anymore.. Some times I feel at square one and I will see a girl and it all flairs up and other times I post my opinion like a veteran.  Basically i feel the battles are over and its a mopping up operation.  Yes there will be casualities and it will take time but the war is won.  Can that be true?  Possibily the consueling has done its job, is it really autumn 1944, crossed the Channel, broke out of the beaches, on forward.  Perhaps we are in a sense, without being flip or denying the absolute sacrificies made by real people,  waiting for some operation market garden or, more hopefully, operation varsity waiting to cross the Rhine.  Is Paige here to stay and allways has been?  Scary stuff.  Thgought about going to Jodies rather than Alison's for an image consultant, WHAT TO WEAR WHEN OUT.  Not for Flickr or whatever but for the working week.

Not ON The Bench

In the Paige mythology as said to several people and may even be true I had a detached retina and spent a weekend in hospital.  Whilst there on my Sony Walkman I listened to this track by Joe Jackson Go For IT  .  Busy at the time worrying about the flapping retina in my opitical field but prefer to believe it was partly responsible for Paige visiting Lacies and the rest is history.  We all rewrite history or else we go mad but anyway the point is I may not be hitting the back of the net but I an at least turning up at the ground.  Actually the link is to some group doing a bad version of the song.  The backing singer is off and the brass is bad BUT they have tried.  They have made the effort.  Like me, but not literally, I have put on the slap, the wig and clothes and put my head above the parapet and GONE FOR IT.  That makes then  all right by me.  Perhaps its like football, you support the team but they may be rubbish but they are playing the game, they play football, they are footballers.  I may not be female but I am putting the kit on and playing the game.  I may lose but that is not the point, I am getting a kick of the ball

Pass or fail

There does after all appear to be some sort of Flickr quality control at work.  I finally uploaded some pics from my last Imageworks appointment, very pleased with them I was too. Got a lot of nice responses and views so clearly doing something right! There is a sense that I have been slightly slipping in some of the pics I posted.  Stopped the 2 times a week posting rota and probably not posting as much. 

On another site a couple of my contacts have "retired" allways a sad thing to see I suppose but no doubt they have their reasons.  Do wonder whether I have outgrown that site and getting disenchanted with Flickr OK probably because not getting enough nice comments. 

I do not do walking away!

Back in the early 80's I used to be interested in modern military history.  Two books come to mind.  One showed photos from the Falklands war,  servicemen were dirty, unshaven and looked as if they had slept rough and had a bad breakfast to misquote Oliver Rendall Holmes.  The second book was the American Invasion of Grenada with images of cleanshaven, clean servicemen.  OK this may have been false and insulting to those whose were there but bear with me.  You get dressed in your room, put makeup on and take a pic.  If lucky you get a few hours perhaps even overnight, absolutely fantastic.  Then again you get up, dress, makeup and go out, exposed to the elements and "do it for real."  Those shoes ache, the wig needs a lot of work, the makeup runs.  Then there is the practical aspects; where to carry money, what watch to wear, what type of bag.  This ignores such topics as talking to people, using female toilets etc.   It is fine and for most of the time the best you will get to do the few snatched hours but if you want to "do it for real" and there is no requirement to do so it all gets much more difficult. There is no choice for me, if the "door is open" I need to step through it even if you end up with blisters which take over 4 weeks to heal.

You keep on knocking...

Started to think about holiday 2012.  Booking room at legends.  It will be in August.  Lots of stuff here.  Holiday now means Paige time, Brighton means out dressed.  It also means 4 plus months away, gulp.  Only other windows of opportunity would have been April holidays or late may/june.  Went for february holiday, complete result so cannot complain but far away in time. Wondering about Sparkle, possible weekend.  Its money car will be nasty, then holiday in August will be expensive.  No way going back to University of Brighton.
Been looking at old pics, 2004 Paige, as then unnamed, was trying to get out.  Ignoring it , denial.  Stupid, stupid me.  Could have had 4 years headstart.

I just hope that something good about to happen

Sometimes you have to just record whats happening and get on with it.  Only later may something wonderful happen and you look back and can see the roots of it earlier.  Well, I have to hope something wonderful will happen for certainly things feel as if they are changing!  Had an evening and night to dress, normally this would have been the cue for beaucoup pics but not then.  Then today good solid safe 4 hours, nope no pics. OK I am falling out of love with Flickr but there is something else.  Not sure what but Paige has somehow perculated to the surface in different ways.  Cannot put a finger on it but preferf to believe its a transitional phase, how can it be?  What do I want anyway?  Does this take us to the counselling issues?  When will Paige next be out in daylight?  No answers but live in hope. The title is from Kate Bush Cloudbusting single, yes Donald Sutherland.

Doing one's best

Well its over 1 week since I was in Brighton and I still get twinges. Nobody in so ironed some of Paiges things, bad moment.  Women with leggings and flat shoes showing a bit of the foot tend to be a problem too because thats what I wore.  In the 70's and 80's there were one off plays where a person would go somewhere new, goodthings would happen and it would end happily.  Bit of wishfullment but not impossible.  So I go to Brighton, wednesday snog and chat to loopy Irishwomen, thursday OK Alison Dale, friday, Kim party but saturday.  Well, go for meal but waiter puts sandwichws on table says free as overbought, eat them go to town with gurl just met.  Legends change, meet drag artist, gg, pretty girls wearing very little at bar.  Disco OK.  Alright add MAC makeover and out dressed 2 daysthe Signalman, its all good, not for you presumably.  Other times been in nLegends , nothing, out with Stella, nothing.  Lets go with the concept of overfishing, go occasionally wonderful things happe.  Go regularly not so wonderful.  Perhaps its just some self justification but great few days.  Pic shows me in Brighton museum clothes section, handy mirror.  George the 4th;s breetches, sarum 4 PVC dress.  Paige's best effort.

In the field

Well the holiday has been and gone.  The little bit of warmth to keep me going after Christmas and the dark mornings has happened.  Did it live up to expectations, was it a success? Oh yes it was.  Lets start critical.  The drwessing service was, as ever, less than perfect.  There was no "extras" removing the makeup after 20 mins and changing out of a skirt noty sure what that was about.  Prefer to see it as a friendly thing , not needing to make the effort, eating the salad together again bonus.  The possibility of actually getting an article would be lovely but there is form there so not holding my breath.  It was all over by 4.30, train 8.34 from Victoria so the rest of that evening was a bit disapointing, just walking around Victoria, not ideal.   Had I known would have got earlier ticket. 
Then to Paige's days out.  The evening one was just to get "sealegs", the "Hi mate, do you have a lighter" moment hmm, not in any way aggressive lets call it acceptance.  Day 1 out, OK the boots looked good but were a nightmare to walk for extended periods in.  No overall plan but hit loads of targets, the MAC makeover went well, only spent £48 so result.  Great effect on the eyes. Shame Buddha closed.  Evening party, again a success, happy with that , the young gurl there was a nice bonus.  Day2, was there any plans for a day2 anyway? Again the boots, having to buy the same booties I had already was a pain but definatly necessary.  The wig was a mess, that spolit things as did the money worries but even so big success.  The evning meeting was absolutly so much better than could reasonably expected.  Fiddly ending but no matter.  Out in heels, stockings and a short skirt, lovely.  The "changed yournpanties" moment, fab.  So complete utter success beyond expectations.  Learnt things;  shoes need to be comfortable, need to sort out a proper bag, need to sort out a coat, need to be on top of game with wig.  Cup half full, happy with so much, started on voice, bit of useful makeup practise, the walk needs not be too exagarated, thwe scarf works well, loved the earrings.

To understand you must first measure

I have started in a small way some counselling.  Not sure what to expect or what outcome really want but things could not stay as they are. Again what can it really achieve.  I am hoping for some peace and answers so then know where I am and so can progress. Part of the problem is so many terms, I prefer so say I am trans as that seems a general catchall. Do not want to transition I think but suspect more than a crossdresser.  Though it is at best dubious COGNATI put me as "Androgny"  and cautioned against permament transition though a partial transformation may be beneficial.  Hmm could have a point there. Wear the clothes but do not get the bits cut off basically.  

Onwards and Upwards

Lets have a brief lookback and ask the question what did I do to progress Sapphire in 2011?  Well actually a lot!  The out in daylight in Brighton in August followed by the all day on October was a total success and in fact October at Legends was a big result.  Got a better colour wig.Increased confidence massively, met Rebecca MAC makeover, Brighton museum, all good.  Then there is W'ear out a tg/ts support group been there several times, all good.  Got ears pierced, absolut result there too, very little negative feedback over that one.  DId the Boudoir dressed, ideally would have left dressed but even so, a new step forward.  Twice to Alison Dale's.  Different style, different experience going back again.  Question about whether doing a dressing service after that see what happens in February.  Had first waxing, probably do more.Met Stellawhen at Gulllivers and Brighton poly, broadening shall we say.  Suppose the slantbar giving a closer shave was good.  The Xhamster account has afforded a bit of joy.  Still need to sort out flash and camera.  Overarching questions over Flickr.  Looking older on pics, not good.  Still thin.good.  As ever more could have been acheived but progress and nreal results.

 So for 2012?  Out a few times in Brighton in February probably.  Summer 2012, probably Brighton again but Legends hopefully.  The support group may lead somewhere.  Would like to try Sparkle.  Reasons to be optomistic.l  Lets set a goal of out in Brighton and , possibly, Newcastle would be good. Hormones keep lurking in the background, not good.  Keep up the exercise and diet. Its meant to be fun.

Christmas Present

Sapphire's Christmas 2011  was definatly a curate's egg and a bit of a flop.Only 1 day of full dressing which produced a couple of good shots but a major league tizzy!  Do not know why it does that, possibly the gurl coming out.  Managed to kill  laptop, very bad news.  Not too much lost but my fault.  Did Christmas shot which went well.  Even emailed Skin Seamstress with it.Bit of shopping in La Senza wich went into admin istration so 50% off but not a La Senza dressing day sadly.  Really need more dressing time. Bought earrings, pendent and lingerie; a very nice silk negligee.  OK cup half full.  Got eyebrows waxed, partial success would have liked more off.  Also got back waxed.   Nice but starting to grow back after 1 week.  Will consider getting front and back done in a few weeks time.  A big success was seeing in the new year dressed!  Ok missed the countdown as thought it was only 11.40, how did that happen?  But yes hit 2012 dressed and slept in aforementioned negligee so result there. Lets hope it is a good omen for 2012.