Thursday, 25 September 2014

Reality Being Moderated.

Had the chance to dress tonight, went sort of for it. No make up or pics expected.  It was interesting and after half an hour took off kitten heeled shoes, later wig and top and breast forms. Still wearing leggings. There seems to be 3 stages in dressing.  Stage w 1 occurs immediately after putting the clothes etc on and is a wow not looking bad at all. This soon is replaced by the second satge; bitter realisation.  This is well the lower abdomen looks wrong, the ribcage is too big the hands are too large. Then we reach the third final stage. This is best described as "sod them" or an acceptance of things as they are.  So you then go for it. There does seem to be a sense that Ok there are significant issues but doing it just the same.  There it is. No longer believe I pass but do believe I have a right to get on with things. Once might have believed I pass but no longer. Then again do believe I do not look too bad in the scheme of things.
Hopefully tomorrow I will actually do some pics, probably not many.  Eyes and nose off due to cold. Well thats my excuse.
Restarted the estrofem, 2 mg per day.  Will pick up 4 wheels on saturday. Yes I know, lets see how this one goes.

Saturday, 20 September 2014

Bit of a roundup

Very, very briefly dressed today, nothing too exciting.  Wig felt very off so realised it needed a wash. Only when finished realised it was the old wig so then washed the other bob wig in a strawberry blonde colout.  It had a smell which I finally realised was the pseudo french tobacco I boughtat Burkitts.  Also would have washed out South Downs Way soil, salt from the sea and who knows what else. Summer 2014 was a success but hardly pushed the boundries, thats not necessarily a problem but its the third year dressed rather a lot on holiday.  The walk on the South Downs Way was new, did not do a dressing service or Sweet wednesday or curiously hit the piers and was rarely on the beach shingle.Did not put an advert into TVChix or meet Stella.  Did not do the move dressed either.  Pride passed me by basically, missed TransPride. I can be negative as there were so many positives. perhaps thats it really, there were so few new things; shopping in Sainsburys or Morrisions, using female toilets, being on a bus, drinking in coffee shops, been there done that.  It all worked to be fair.  OK first thoughts about summer 2015, gosh, well better shoes with some padding, spend more time on checking makeup and wig, consider another look apart from leggings and top. DO GO TRANS PRIDE weekend. Clare Project probably a good idea, hair spray possibly. Sussex University ideally but take wire for a long aerial, if do get an empty flat do own cooking, though the university refrectory worked well.
Just had a brief flick through Moleskine regarding 2014 holiday. Nothing really leapt out.
The wig sits on a rolled up towel to my left foot, hopefully it will be OK. Manchester end of next month but only2 days, though Alison very likely.  Ideally do Liverpool dressed. 

Friday, 19 September 2014

Not a spy

Two pics both from a vitamin company so clearly loaded meanings there. The first shows 3 generations of women in suspiciously clean casual clothing in leaves, probably the leaves mean something to have fun in rather than time passing. Second image shows a woman dressed in loose clothes, say capri trousers and loose top, to her right is a thermos flask the setting is some outdoor garden, lets say an allotment.  The woman, is smiling, sitting and in late 30's say. Its for St John wort so a woman feeling good after tilling the soil about to have a cup of tea , battling inner demons possibly but still looking good and OK.She is alone but happy.
Sapphire has had little interaction with genetic woman, on the whole it has been good. In male mode I interact with a greater number of women at work. Not a big deal of difference with men but seems to be slightly easier. Here it comes.  If I transitioned and passed would i gravitate towards women and would it be easy and work? The answer is the spectrum, I want to present as female and happy to transition but probably never happening. Curiously losing the male bits would not be an issue but living as a female but unsuccessfully would. So, say, the lottery win would be easy but transitiing and still doing my job would be too hard. I have no back story, no children, no husband no P.E. lessons, thats fine, I do not want that. Basically what I want to do is what I do now but as a female. I do not have female aspirations.  Probably more feminine sensibilities than the average male but how much further?  Taken 3 gins and 1 can of 4.8 % lager to get that. 4 gins.

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Vulcan Dinosaur Roar

Just had a thought drop into my brain.  Used to like on a sunday have some white wine, several cheeses, usually small ones prewrapped,  crackers and get quietly slightly drunk.  Stopped when calories became the big enemy. Probably could consider it again. Be a nice reward for doing over 10 mile run.
Used to be very interested in parasite/host studies. Now the problem is it is probably wrong to consider male me a host and female  me a parasite equally wrong to see male me as a negative thing. Again the yin yang tatto comes into play.  I  have male and female aspects bith of which need nourishing. If I was to transition, yes please, there would still be male me bits.

Sunday, 14 September 2014

The Hind Brain

Found on the web some "Electric Blue" uploads.  Lets say late eighties, early ninetees. certainly before pubic areas were being waxed but still being shaved to small sizes.  The thing which stands out is how tame they are.  No penetration or sex toys, very rarely 2 girls but they do not go for it. This was homegrown porn, surprisingly harmless and would be classed as soft today. No doubt a lot of people paid surprising amounts for videos of this stuff. Remember a 2 page advert for 8 mm film of reels of smut the titles and synopsis suggested depravity of epic proportions.  Imagine the battle to show this.  need a proper projector, screen too though wall would do , the sound of the projector, all in all was it really worth it? Probably yes as it was theonly way to see such material.  I still have a pile of magazines from the ninetees in the loft.  My original stash, bound in supermarket plastic bags was binned in a bin at the Civic Centre when I went to university. Probably just been sorting out grant or something. 
When started off the Paige Project it was not for sexual reasons.  It was not for to get dressed up and get an orgasm. Would get  a "cold water sensation" when dressed. That would probably just be bustier, panties, stockings, miniskirt. Probably not makeup, but would be wig, but wrong wig. No heels.  Later there was a sexual element but me as a woman. I was not told about this on the websites.   There are sexual websites and other websites which seem to ignore this factet. I totally appreciate this decision but would have liked advance warning. Ideally i would probably like to have been a model for Electric Blue but suspect they did different versions for different markets. Sandy the model was in Club Internationa when I got it delivered ina grey plastic bag through the post which the dog would bite sometimes.  Still going today say 20 years later.
Ordered 4 wheels of estrofem. £40 to you. Probably take 3-4 weeks to arrive. Lets transition but slowly.

Saturday, 13 September 2014

Bit Bitty Really

Welltheres been a lot of attempting to do growth things to my breasts this week. Short of taking hormones again. Which could well come.  Every time I have backed away from going further and worried about the knockon effects of the estrofem. Small breasts A cup would do, probably would only be small anyway but genetically big breasts are in the family.  So will have to let this one run a bit.
Been looking in the mirror. If I do not shave the stubble is white, the hair is going white/grey too so do look old.  Shave and remove sideburns then it looks better. Still a definite sense that age is creeping up on me. The weight is at 11 st 10-12 lb. Seems to be a fixture sadly, still looking OK. Finally been able to get an intervalometer for camera so pics should be better. There is a worrying possibility the chances to take pics could decrease or possibily increase.
Made provisional appointment for dressing appointment. OK dialing down the expectations but did not do anything last summer.  Last dressing appointment was March 2013, lets ignore the February 2014 experience. Be good to catch up and see the new place.  Granted there are issues; no longer expect extras, do look older its £200, gulp. However it has to be done. The guy in L/pool showed promise but probably not. Going to need something to look forward to. Would like to get some new breast forms and a new wig. Will have to see what washing does.  Lots of South Downs in it!
No big OMG holiday moment but definately some changes.

Wednesday, 3 September 2014

No dress rehearsal

A memory has just bubbled up to the surface.  Its sunday, I am in a hurry, I am on a bus, stripy top, bug eyed sunglasses.  Its very hot and I need to get to Palmeria Mansions by 11.00 am. It does not happen, there is bladder urgency, sadly. However the point is as happened a lot of the time, if not all the time, I am a Tgirl doing something, not dressing and going out as to be out but out to do something. I just happen to be dressed.  There it is, never once did I feel tired of dressing, perhaps of tired feet or the time it took or the wig itching but never being dressed. There is still the issue of time taken to put makeup on but I felt an awful lot worked on holiday.