Friday, 28 June 2013

Not a lot really

It is friday night, I am alone and probably will be till tomorrow.  You know where this is going.  Plan A was to do a vid or at least pics but in the event I had a boy's night, cigar, drink.  Going to have an early night.  Need to nourish the male me too or else it becomes too intolerable when not dressed.  Possibly the estrofem keeps me OK. Possibly having nearly being caught has had more of an effect than thought. Mind you brighton 2013 will be different.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Holiday Dreaming.

Lets come at this one from several angles.  First of all tidied up room today, found new box  and made some space.  Fair bit of Paige clothes etc about the place . Quite a bit of expense, could it have been better spent?  Holiday 2013, Brighton, again.  What would constitute a success? If no Paige what holidays would I have and would they be more fun?  Pre Paige things were not too bad really.  Granted heterosexually I was rubbish but I seemed to be OK with that.  Here it comes.  Had a mild chance to dress and did not.  Support group cancelled and I am not crawling up the walls.  Granted the estrofem has put me on an even keel kept the GID down BUT do feel there is a big woozle trap waiting due to the self medication.
If I could stop the whole Paige business would I be happier?  I would have more money, possibly different holidays and there would be a lot less stress involved.  I am Paige so very fleetingly that its causing problems.  Say I did stop would that be a good thing?  My feeling is that the dressing is not the whole story.  My mindswt and behaviour has, to put it mildly, a femle slant which can only be explained by GID.  Paige has negative aspects on my life but is stopping the answer?   Lots of question marks and no answers but let it not be said that I dodge the big questions.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Just a quick one

I have just had a 3 part Bounty bar which is not ideal as I had 3 fingers of Lidl/Aldi chocolate thing. Added to that 3 units of whiskey.  Not really sure what has happened to my self control.
Doing down stairs today felt very definite jiggle.  Some growth, can be seen intshirt.  Not sure where I am going with it all.  Really do not.  Hopefully writing it all down will help things get moving.  Posibility of dressing overnight on friday.  We shall see but would be nice.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Summer Dreaming

Sunday again.  Half a botle of wine and a single gin.  Not too bad really.  Quite warm. Shaved left leg, tidied room.  Pilated and felt the benefit.  Here it comes.  Starting to look forward to Summer 2013. Wondering about clothes and putting up "would like to meet " in Angels and "TvChix."  Granted only 5 days but hoping for quality. Hopefully still have Ipad so that will help. If can sleep that will be good too, may even be worth the exytra £30 per night room!  Sea view!  Will try for Claire Project.  Need to hit ebay really and get some money together.  Doing SDW dressed probably to much to expect or do really.  May need new wig, not so sure about new breast forms if the new bras can deliver.  Some form of sandal would be nice too.  Need to work on voice.  Sort of started in that direction but very early days.  Actually getting to the grave of Andrea this time would be good.  Nice challenge.  Possibly even an Amanda style short video clip about architecture using the flipcam.  Lighter makeup now. The train journeys will be a pain.  Not totally convinced by seeing Mr Garner but it feels right.  Not dressed, do not think there is any value in that.
Some slight breast growth which is nice and even possibly noticable.  Once the wheels are exhausted will reconsider options.  need to think about new tattoo, PA piercing and ear piercing.  Like idea of piercing/tattoo at Brighton.  Say 2 scrotal piercings on last day or even PA. Though probably not. 


Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Logging the hours

Been a relatively dry spell for Paige.  Nothing over the weekend and support group not on.  Only found out when got there so had a large white wine at Wetherspoons, a small white wine at Fitzgeralds and 3 single gins at home.  Say 7 units.  Bit worrying really do need to curb it.  Weight is off too.  The diet is just not happening at all.  Thats not good either.  There is some sign of growth with the breasts again.  Quite pleased with that but still no idea wher going with it.  Tonight was messy, didnot settle, stopped pilates early, everything was slightly off.  Then did a bit of qick dressing.  Had a warm sensation on stomach.  When first started would get like a cold water feeling in stomach which was nice and meant something important.  Have difficultyt remembering those early days with no heels or proper breast forms, too long wig.  Makeup skills not good either.  Of course the face was younger but probably weighed more then.  At the time the thought of ever going out dressede seemed impossible.  Precontact lenses too. Shaving in bath with butterball.
Tonight my hands looked old and soo big.  My back arched too much and the ribcage was too large as well.  At first it looked very bad.  Then it seemed to settle down and I looked OK.  Granted a shave and makeup would so help.  There was a sense that need to dress and do it to feel it almost.  That you needed to feel comfortable with the look, accept you will never pass but get on with it.  Need to think a bit more about that but something there definately. 

Sunday, 9 June 2013

Toxocaria

One of the more interesting aspects to Paige is how she arose and developed without external prompting.  OK lets qualify that straight off.  There has been external infulences, Jodie, Alison, the Internet but as important as these were they were after the initial go for it urge.  The The second thing to say is we are 5 years down the line and its so strong today, if not more so. This suggests that it was an inherent property of me waiting in the wings.  Sadly being constrained and having to be in the shadows this causes me pain and to an extent Paige is, indirectly, a cause of some pain.  Granted there is the second arguement that if I did have a clear field how far would I take it?  It can be said that the entire history has been one of advancing forward in an exploratory mannerand the hormones are the first case where thyere has been some retreat.  The problem which may arise is that by the time I am in a position to express Paige more fully I will not be able to present my self, shall we say, to well.  Already I will never be young and dressed, no unlined face. 
Put up a short movie of me stripping out of Swiss tankers overalls.  Thought it was pure clck bait. Wrong.  Then put up a good pic of me in catsuit, done it before.  gets a more favourable response, more favorites and comments.  Most unexpected and not sure what, if anything, it means.  Bought 2 tops from Aldi, nearly bought linen trousers as well.  There is a saying "once you buy trousers you are TS not TV "  Err, possibly.
Backed up blog.  Surprisingly easy.Pics too.  It would be nice to see the first blog and possibly first Flickr stream.  Then again there was not much on the blog so may be no big loss to the world.


Sunday, 2 June 2013

Keep calm and cary on

Just been backing up my Flickr account pics.  As ever the slightsense of comfort that the pics are safe for future generations!  However ignoring techinical advances in picture taking and makeup there is little to cheer.  Granted there has been a few outside pics creeping in and that the Flickr account is not the full story it is not ideal.  Not too bad but wrinkles sem to be creeping in.  The body has put on a bit of weight and is not so toned.  Not too bad but certainly not ideal.  Entropy strikes again.  Granted Flickr is not as important as it once was so the lack of pics is not so important  as it would have been in previous years.  OK its a snapshot of 4 important years but only 4 years.  Interestingly there has ben no overall message or sense coming out.  Nothing leaps to mind given such a MetSapphire archive.  No sense of failure or waste of time so thats positive.  No sense of what am I doing?  No sense of what a waste of money or its time wasted. We shall see what summer 2013 brings.  On the whole it could be worse, I wrote that on wal of the toilets in the Lands End pub in Brighton.  Probably womens toilets when dressed in february of this year.
Found the pic on the phone.  2011.Nope wasnot dressed then. Paige has only really been doing it for real for say 2 years.  Scary really.  OK other times nocturnal and brief daylight test flights.