Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Decenber 31st 2014, 23.59 and counting

It is 23.29 om 31st of december 2014. I am wearing tights, laddered, 5 inch heels, the pink Aldi dress, the red wig, pearls, the new breast forms and a new bra, 34, D cup bought from M and S Durham. I have had a slightly disappointing M and S meal and a bottle of Cave, less disappointing. I am fighting the urge to go round the block. Just been out to put bottles into recycle bin.
Its 01:05 now.  Changed back into leggings, flats, stripy top and put microlabrets in. Heroe's for the working week. We have cover support wome, in their 20's, not especially attractive, wear the fleece and flat shoes usually, say black trousers, though they do sometimes wear inappropiately short skirts. They stay whatever the kids throw at them, take no nonsense.  I see these women as potentialnurses or those who would stay calm after the bombs fell and would be sorting out casualties, moving rubble and hard as nails. In a real way that is what I aspire to. In my old school I think when doing O levels was in an empty classroom with a couple of  students.  One girl, I swear she was wearing a trench coat and had a bag of cottonnlike some military surplus, offered me a drink from a 350 ml bottle which I refused and then offered me a cigarette. No way could I have smoked it there but even so.
Not sure what 2015 has in store, how could I, but have taken dress and heels off and ready to face it and do my best.

Saturday, 27 December 2014

Then and Now

Lets consider the above pic.  The exif data says 2009, 07/08/2009, 13 30 ish. It was in a folder saying 2010. There is no belly button piercing so it is before that, say 2011.  The shoes are from the place in the Green Market, no longer there, the lingeriie set is from Asda Boldon and the necklace an odd metal construction from Doreens which oxidised very quickly.  The bangles may have been Dewhirsts at a guess. The wig is the bSob so it is after the long hair wigs. I started in 2007. 2008 was The Boudoir, so 2009 would be credible. Lots of dieting and pilates. The makeup was probably still kryolan but even so the face looks good. So it was 5 years ago.  An important 5 years to be fair, testesterone dropped, estrofem doing its stuff. I would have been 46, wow. If things had kicked off at even 40, or 35,  who knows how different things might have been.The me there did have good knees and back, close up vision, a half decent bladder and no IBS or arthritis in finger joints. The job was containable and there was a general sense of optimism.  Then again I would hav ebeen out very few times, possibly had a MAC makeover or not but certainly very limited experience outdressed.
The challenge and task now is how to manage change. There is still a lot to play for and in 2 years the pic shows a very significant amount of progress.  As 2015 approaches it is time to say how do I progress, if progress is what I actually want.

Sunday, 21 December 2014

Bits and Bobs

If all goes well tomorrow I should have all day alone. This will allow for the taking of pics.  At least a "christmas card" hopefully some with the bondage equipment and some others still to be decided.  Yesterday I epilated my legs and arms, painful but successful but could have dressed but chose not to, odd but increasingly happening. Be good to get some pics of the new breast forms and make a final decision regarding whether it is too big.
Still reasonably optimistic about New Years Eve but not totally certain anymore sadly. The new Alison pics have started to post, going down well. Must remember to send an email to Heather, surprised how much miss the group. 
My weight is just under 12 st probably.  After Xmas will have to try to get down to at least 11 st 7 if not below. Bit bitty this post, hopefully next one will be more coherent.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Towards a new paradigm

Last night had the chance to dress.Interested in new breastforms see how they were. Well burgandy knitted top, leggings, mens panties and white tropical boot socks, not as bad as sounds.  Wig, CK1. Well it all worked very well, had a few real moments.  Yes the breastforms are probably too big but the larger silicon back works well.  Not too bad or large. The point is that I dressed as I wanted to but not makeup and it worked.  At least in my mind.  This chimes in with the the last post, I want to be  me, dressed femme but not totally.  My face did look old it has to be said but it was a long day.Possibly I do not need to transition but be ME more often.  Which may be quite a good thing ultimately.
There is a long underbust corset I would rather like, OK really badly want. £50 to you which is not a bad price really.  However I would probably not use it much and it is somewhat duplicated. There it is.  Going to be short of money so should really wait. Need to be careful with money. £50 would get 2 piercings be a good start for size 4 breastforms.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Mental Versus Financial Health

Sorted out Brighton Spring 2015.  Februarya, 3 days OK 2 full, monday and tuesday. So whats the plan? Well there will be, hopefully, 2 runs, coffee at Taylor street and , possibly, Red Roaster, a general wander, might finally actually do the Pavilion, the traditional walk from Hove. even the Ghost Walk. It will be necessary to maintain the Tgirl equilibrium.
To be sordid lets talk money. Room £160, train tickets £70 and the tube as well. We shall ignore all the other expenses as thats all for fun. Of course the cost of not going is far higher to my mental health so thats OK.
This brings me on to a bigger question.  From a purely monetary point of view its been quite expensive. Lets say 10 visits to dressing services at £250, all included, then 2 trips to Doreens at £300 a shot. Lacies must have had £400, other clothing well £400 but that is a very conservative estimate. We could add in the camera equipment; £700 for cameras, £150 for flash, say £50 for rest. All these figures are very conservative because really they pale into insignificance to the cost to my mental health if I did not do these things.
The breast forms are slightly too big but do like them, for £65 its not an issue.
Did a stupid test and got the following result;

You are Transfeminine! Assigned a male sexual identity at birth, you now identify as a female at the core. Like a Transmasculine, you may not always conform 100% as a female or continue to do so all the time, but you do prefer to represent yourself physically and behaviorally as a female due to the internal connection you feel to your feminine side. In relation to other genders, you're just being yourself; and a person has to be able to express their gender identity through the way they see fit. For you this may be through fashion trends, interests and a more feminine thought process. Regardless, no one can or should tell you the "right" way to be a female!

Granted did not get the chance to see the other answers but as with the discredited COGNITA test there is a sense of not transitioning but going a bit further and presenting as female more often. That has a lot of resonance for me must say. Currently wearing leggings, bra, breastforms, top wig. Getting definite twinges of things

Friday, 5 December 2014

One Step Back

Got to the end of a wheel of estrofem and stopped.  Three days so far. Not sure why. The IBS has been bad and not happy with the arthritis. Still got 2 wheels so  can restart if the situation changes. Sadly the libido did not go down much but the sense of worry and paranoria did.
Should really have started on sorting out next februaries holday. Oddlt no real hurry to do so.  Could go for few days in London even or Manchester make it April not february.  Have not had a proper dressing session since the pics several weeks ago.  Could do with one.  There is the possibility that New Years Eve may have to be scrubbed but that remains to be seen.  Need to do the Xmas 2014 card. Could recycle the outfit but would like to get a new one.
Potentially Xmas could be a lot of dressing but equally could be a damp squib. 
Not really coming together.  Do like the thought of London dressed. Saying hello to the Blue whale. Lots of stuff there. be good to use the new breast forms, in the field. In several past years managed a Le Senza day where bought new lingerie and tried it on over the Xmas period.  Would get the assistant to package it up as a gift wrap. Now do not need such subtrifuge but Le Senza gone. Possible M and S but the diet well its not happening and not too ahppy with the body. Also the voice, keep thinking need to do something about the voice but it never happens.
There is a sense that this is as good as it is going to get. This also begs the question, what more do I actually want? Well more would be nice.Do miss the support group, not massively but even so.