Wednesday, 24 July 2013

We must love each other or die

It is wednesday night and I am definetely , guaranteed alone until tomorrow.  Have I dressed, taken umpteen pics or put on makeup?  Er, no actually.  This may be due to the estrofem, having been to my support group yesterday or something else.  If something else could it be Paige on the wane?  Again summer 2013 will be the gold test.  probably.  The breasts are ever so slightly noticeable, which is nice for me but puts up some rather scary questions which were hopefully further away.   
Support group last night.  As ever too long.  Got into a right tizzy over wig and top.  Useful I suppose but really unless can put contact lenses and makeup on then do not look good.  Again not so good in a group situation.  New girl there and wondered how we all looked to her.  Once, briefly collided with the young Trans group and thought well this is a bit better, how we should look.  Of course we do not.  There was a John Sullivan comedy called Dear John about a support group which included an unfeasibly attractive female who would never  be in that group.  So it is with us I suppose.  We are older and real people.  We are not thin and pretty.  Our needs and hurt is not any less or possibly even greater.  Actually the American version could not handle unattractive people at all.  Is it a sad group with unhappy people?  Very probably yes, do get the sense of  real human anguish.  Then again would the group, including me in this, be happier if the group did not exist?  Easy one, no.  There you have it. Sometimes some things can be easily answered.

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Another thing I know but choose to ignore

Well the much anticipated sunday possibly 8 hour dressing session has been and gone, still J is out but expected back soon.  Some pics were taken, not many and used the Sony flash only.  Reveiving them the face seems fuller and possibly the body more fuller.  Even arguably the bottom larger.  I am now 12 st 1 or 2 lb.  Probably not a good thing but could be worse.  Possibly the estrefem is responsable directly or indirectly increasing my appeptite.  Certainly eating more, the diet is not working.OK what diet?  Actually the face is OK so it is not too bad.
Has to be said the pics are turning into a right faff all round.  The fun has gone out of them.  Possibly as such a battle finding things but also possibly the rewards for the effort are decreasing.
I was never a Premier league player.  At best, given A****** help there were some good pics, also the odd pic captured something.  Not conference league either.  Still a lot thinner than a lot of girls.  Makeup skills not too bad, the camera skills fine.  This is another in the "time to drop down a league" post I suppose.
Dressed before doing pics.  Again odd feeling, not one of the usual feelings.  Good feeling.
Three weeks time will be doing the Brighton thing.  Lets see what comes out of that one.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Marcel Proust at Lush

1,000 kisses is a fragence no longer produced by Lush.  They tend to be rather ruthless that way, emperor of ice cream, Smell of freedom, Inhale and Snowcape are just 4 products they stopped making which enhanced my existance.  1,000 kisses is significant as Novemeber 2011 probably I went out dressed in Brighton all aday for the first time.  I went to Lush looking for a signature scent and the women, girl probaly, did this trick whereby they dry the scent on your hand by holding their hand over yours and pressing down.  Heady stuff for a girl just what less than 2 hours into orbit.  was wearing the primark Sara Lund sweater and goretex as ever.  Did a MAC makeover with this scent, visited that little lingerie shop wearing it.  It is important and has become very important to the Paige backstory.
Just had a nasty thought getting the washing in.  What if the times not being Paige no longer count, that is I cannot be happy in male mode?  That makes the assumption I am TS rather than TV and that is somewhat unlikely as it only kicked in so late.  I prefer to  believe it is one of my strengths that I can consider nasty or unlikely options and give them serious consideration before kicking them into touch.  That makes the ones that do make it into the "yes" box so much stronger.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Quick little shot for a couple of runs.

Just a quick one.  Went to the gym today.  The weather was very hot so wore shorts on way back with trainers and those trainer socks which are nearly invisible.  Well, had pint in The Isis, when there look ed at bare legs and moved legs in a very femme way.  Good fun and set a couple of tingles.  Avoid doing it for real as as Helena Love said people look and then become angry when they realise what they are looking at.   Still nice to get sun to them and get production of freckles.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

So far and no further?

In 3 weeks I shall be on holiday.  On the friday I shall be in Brighton.  So need it to work.  Then again I am not sure where we are now.  Ignoring money issues it will be very interesting to see my response to it all.  Need to think about new, old style, wig.  Read a post where a girl went to Claire Project and had a very good time, clubbing etc.  Must be revamped then! 
Need to contact S*****, put would like to meet in TvChix and possibly something in Angels too.  Have really downsized expectations about it all.  Too much bob stuff going on.  Will need to reread the notes made last year, get a back wax and eyebrows done.  Must not forget sunblock either.  The voice, well that didnot happen, needs to.  Five days of Sapphire, its no longer enough.
K will be off to Durham for a week soon.  May be the possibility of something there.  Quite like to blitz some pics but that seems to have gone off the boil too. 
Need to order some more estrofem, quite like to drop to 1 mg.  Quite like to go to 2 mg x 2 per day too but that willnot happen. 
October probably will not happen either.  Its a negative post really which is not what I want.  The problem is have progressed so far so much more is required for minimum victory conditions. 
All in all it has been a less satisfing year so far but cannot really see how to go forward.  Currently we are stuck in the bocage.  Need to push forward to more "tankable" areas.  How, what is going to be required?  Ultimately I do not burn to be a woman and so am not prepared to sacrifice all to that goal.  Possibly I have reached the status quo I am so seeking.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Life Support

Suspect there was a support group meeting tonight but did not go.  Recently it has been less and less valuable to me.. Granted all dressing is valuable but it goes on for too long and well we have so little in common.  Gosh that sounds hard but sometimes not sure where it is going..  Granted just sitting there is enough but it does get a samey I suppose.  Will see how I feel missing it tonight, could well start climbing up the walls.  Will think more on this one as there does feel to be more to it.
The new venue is nice but, for some reason, do not like dressing upstairs.  That is very odd but is definately there.There was talk about a makeup lady coming one week, probably miss that knowing me. 
Lets sleep on it and post more later.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

Any dressing is better than nothing but how much better?

Well did get time to do some dressing and some pics. Allowed 2 hours only 1 change of clothing really.  Not a success but strange.  You assume its a transitional thing but what if thats as good as it going to get?  Not good.  The makeup was rather good but something else kicked in. It was all so much of a faff.  Everything was in the way.  Once all I had to do was plonk down the Sony flash and do it.  Now need to setup second tripod, plug it in, sort out exposure.  Not a big deal but the lens flare is a real pain also everything else gets in the way.  Too small a room for everything.  Back got angry about high heels.Now the big bit.  Feelings, oh dear.  Got a good feeling but is that due to the estrofem?  Looked old again, still.  There is so much stuff here not sure where will begoing with it.  Sense will need another factor to impact on this and sort out where we are. 

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Did not see that one coming

There is another blog entry on the blocks but here is something hot off the press.  Had a very brief dresing session tonight.  The weather has been very sunny and hot and suddenly wanted to wear a bikini, very badly.  Could not as not alone.  About an hour later got the chance.  Usual grief about finding clothes but something odd happened. On the plus side the weight does not look too bad and the legs are OK..The breasts are getting there, loads of stuff there. The main point was how I felt.  Cannot describe it really, not the shaking which can happen or the cold water in stomach which no longer happens but something different.  Granted the estrofem makes me emotional but there is something else also there now.  Need to process it more and the feeling has gone from me but it feels almost as if the train has moved along the track to another station.  The question is is the the result of the estrofem only or something more?
To be TS, oh dear, too much grief there, but cannot explain it.
Got some "fat burners" in an attempt to lose a bit of fat.  Early days but lets see.
Using a new, to me anyway, laptop.  fast enough to do Photoshop but seem to have lost the NIK plugin.. Still the improvement in pics can be seen.  Hopefully will be able to get a couple of hours in tomorrow.


Monday, 1 July 2013

Rosetta Stone

This was posted on a Yahoo group I am a member of;

Well, my comment is your experience is very common. I also think it confirms your transsexuality. It seems that taking hormones "normalizes&qu
ot; people like us to the point that once on, we do not feel the need to continue because the symptoms of discomfort with one's sex disappears. But, when the hormones are discontinued, the old problem flares up, and before you know it, you're desperately looking for hormones. This usually happens in the early stages of coming to realize one's transsexuality.

But it's like stopping any other medicine while the condition is still present. If you stop taking a pain killer before the wound heals, you'll likely experience pain the minute the drug wears off. The same holds true for gender dysphoria. Hormones are the great pain killers of transsexuals. And if the medicine you're taking is effective at combating the problem, then that's a very good sign that you have the problem the medicine is intended to correct.

Very well put Sarah. It also answers another question of mine. I questioned some people who were just happy with HRT and felt no need to go further. Not even a need to dress (identify with their "true" gender). Like taking lipitor after a by-pass. Just something you take for the rest of your life (to stay alive).

Just read it but get sense have found something very important which explains a lot of my earlier posts.