Wednesday, 30 December 2015

2015 on inspection better than first thought?

A throw away remark suggested that I might  not get New Years Eve alone, could change and hope it does but its a bad thought. Sadly, however, its been typical of this Xmas, there has been so little of the girl. Been surprisingly busy it has to be said tidying up.  Today I had a go at the chest of draws replacing the draws with plastic boxes. There is a lot of clothes etc and it wouldbe valuable to try to put them into some order and even get rid of some. Found the Playbuny outfit, always slightly too tight but got some nice pics from it. November didnot happen, it didnot happen in2013 either but even so.  Then again summer 2015 does not have the feeling of a success, removing bladder issues, rain and inappropiate running a lot did go right and it should be remembered more fondly.  Possibly the thyroid is to blame, casting its shadow over the second half, at least, of the year. I was published in a magazne again, which was nice. OK since we have started , what else? Did the walk dressed, did a run dressed, not a busy year for Flickr it has to be said.  Got a better flash system which can help. Put on a bit of weight cf thyroid. I does not feel a good year somehow. Did London dressed, how can I forget that, saw the blue whale, was on a tube.Several times, on trains too. Thats all positive things. Yet there is remains, not a success somehow. Love the new boobs. No advances on the voice. Did do Brighton Trans Pride, well sort of.
Face looking older, hands looking older.
So for 2016; promised myself a February holiday, ideally Manchester. Not sure Brighton for Summer 2016 either. At the moment feel a bit flat, later new things may appear. There are grounds for optimism it must be said, my confidence is quite good, I am not fat, I have been out and about and am happy to do so. Initially Transister was a moonshot, then doing the walk dressed, the Liverpool then London. Now that was a moonshot it has to be said. What would be a moonshot now? Perhaps that is part of the problem, as have said before, all the easy stuff has been done. So in a way 2015 was going to be difficult to follow after 2014 and so it has proved. Well possibly. There is a sense of optimism it has to be said, there always has been.

Monday, 28 December 2015

Gilding The Lily

Just before Xmas I went to Newcastle to buy presents for people, as it turned out I mostly bought me stuff but that is more a sign of the preparation andthings I had bought for othrs before. Honest.  Well I needed to go to Kiehl's and u heav lifting eye cream and midnight eye cream. There was also the posibility that I would get some midnght concentrate skin drops. As things went I dropped the first £50 easily enough and then the next £35 on the skin evening drops. Well actually the bill came to £95 which as £1 out so I ent back got it changed and a free sample of evening drops which might last quite a while. The point is do they work? OK you accept a something is needed but what and what diference can it make? I prefer to believe they do makea difference, certainly the cosmetics last for long enough so I do not leave feeling I have been robbed.
When I was younger I looked youngr than I was, even as far as 995 a friend said "you must know you look younger than your age."  Odd way of putting it but thank you, even as far as say 47 at The Boudoir when I said how old I was Jodie looked faintly impressed. Then something happened, not sure what and the eyes went lined, the nose and mouth creases appeared and the hair started to go white. I am still thin and believe that helps, shorter hair helps hide the white The makeup only accentuates it all. Several years ago the hnds started to look old and this has got slightly worse.
There is good news though, I am still thin and the legs are good, these all help. Note that there has been no mention of how I feel, my health or other aspects of getting older. Certainly the left kneegoing has been an alarm call  but that can be exergarated I currently believe. The eyes are not what they were either.
Its not been a good holiday for the girl, no dressing.  The niece has been in all the time, the sister has been working so not taking the neice to anywhere really. Its actually beginning to knaw a bit at me, hopefully New Years Eve will be OK. I have dodged some opportunities to dress but feeling the need now.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Well that could be nice.

Suddenly a rather delicious prospect of a wekend to myself has appeared.  True its in march but even so. If it does come off then beaucoup pics, prperly done, real dressing, less likely would be a visit to a club. We shall seeif itdoes happen but would be nice.  In past yeasr have had such weekends, close door on friday, leaving on monday morning, rollup rug, setup backcloth and go for it. It has also been valuable just dressing for extended period. bac in prehistory there was entire weeks but had to go to work so that was not so good but still not bad at all.  Another possible but less so is a few weeks off work, say go to Manchester yes well it might be cheaper in term time. Even that might well offer a good photo opportunity. There is going to have to be some rather deeper thoughts about WHERE I AM GOING  but lets wait till the nodule is not an issue.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Ho,Ho, Ho

One of the very few traditons Sapphire has is the Xmas pic; put on an Santa dress and pose ideally by a Xmas tree. Sadly this year the tree and an opportunity did not coincide. Almost did to e fair but not quite. In the end managed to use a pic from last year, not ideal but etter than nothing.  nother tradition used to be buying lingerie from la Sensa and having a lingerie day. No doubt as males in such places was more usual at Xmas. Beyond such things now, may say frot he lass, or can I exchange it but as likely as not will just do it. Theone tradition I really do hope indures is the New Years eve dressing having a nice meal posting a pic and seeing in the new year dressed. Very soon I will have to do an audit of 2015 for the lass and its going to be slim pickings I am afraid. OK up to a point but well lets see.
Got the scrotum repierced 3 times, suspect too close together but can live with that. Sent a Xmas card pic to my old piercer, may even rip those burlesque DVD's for her. She messed up my P.A. and the frist guiche but lets move on.
Its not been an ideal year, several reasons but its not really going to be enough to just say hope for the best, need to be proactive.  The problem is how? All the easy stuff has been done.

Sunday, 6 December 2015

Quick Dip In

Tomorrow is the last day of the belated holidays. The Manchester trip did not happen and the frenzy of picsdid not happen either. It is not certain there will be pics tomorrow.  There was a rather inconclusive camming event on friday where I did not look too bad. Partly its the cold weather, partly its the thyroid creating grief. Hopefully I am down to 12 st and the exercises are helping but still not ideal. Do want to do a Xmas card sometime and get some more pics in the can as it were. Sooner rather than later need to do a review of the year. Its not going to be a great year but, lets be fair, Summer 205 did a lot.

Sunday, 15 November 2015

Money to burn

Went for a run today and picked up the sheer robe, only £7 including p and p already slightly disappointed by it, needs a belt. Too early to say it goes on the wasted money pile but possibly. Actually that is a very big pile. Partly because when starting off would snatch and run so the bee costume from Mataland, why, why, why? Several pairs of shoes, the block ones, yes you. How many tops and dresses again primarily from Mataland. The big belts, the shrug, OK might yet use that. REgarding wigs there must be quite a few, granted cheap ones but even so. The size 8 breastforms deserve an honourable mention as they were £140. Actually thought they were good, for about 24 hours then doubt crept in, actually wanted size 4 but talked into size 8. They ended up at the Boudoir. If pushe could argue the small Axfords corset was a mistake but early days for that.
When tidying up the room a couple of years ago manage to fill 2 big black bags with shoes and clothes which went down to the charity shop. I would walk past and there would be in the windowa pair of my shoes. Occassionally the size or fit would be wrong, it happens.  Of course that is life, we learn by experience so possibly I should not be too hard on myself.
Lets be nagetive for a minute there must have been a few hundred pounds wasted on stuff never used. Scary really, The Lumix 57 is in that catergory, the alpha 57 hovers around it as its a dog but have resolved most of the problems. Possibly the £35 flash is on the pile too.
Bought myself a new pair of scales, not before time. My wet weight is 12 5 ln and I an certainly over 12 st. On the plus side I am a bit more toned due to the exercises. If I do do Alisons the picsmay be less than brillant!

Sunday, 1 November 2015

Not A Lot Really

Sapphire has been pinging a bit, really should be in Manchester but an not. Again the chance to do a Halloween pic did not happen. Used an Alison pic which the Flickr verse seemed to like. Wondering about a new flash unit, ideally a mains unit. OK yes I have on, two actually but even so. The problem is the size of the available area. Really need a bigger space. Finally shaved my face today after 5 days, skin nice and soft. Will have to do more pilates, hopefully it will make my calf muscles less blokey from behind. Putting on abit of weight, must be  11st 10 if not more. Will need to be careful about that.
Seen a few choice pieces of  clothong and corsets which might quite like. Possibly for Xmas.  A post in TvChix suggests Axfords is closing, personally be surprised and not a bit saddened. Was sad to hear Lacies Hove closing down but not a big loss as had moved on but even so if cannot survive in Brighton where can you survive?

Sunday, 25 October 2015

It Might Be More Serious Than I Thought

Finally did some drssing today and took some pics. went as well as can be expected. The flash was silly but not too bad, there was lens flare but not too bad, the makeup was OK. It was slightly cold which didnot help. All in all it was a reasinably stressful experience and I was slightly working to a time limit. The big problem is that I do have a proper flash system but it requires time to setup and also needs a bigger space. Possibly if ever get the chance to do a proper set then can use it. To be honest the pics have rarely delivered the ideal standard I am aiming for technically. If set up the tripod, umbrella et al then can get a good technical pic. The flash gun is getting on  now and not sure how much longer it can be used. anot complain as it must be at least 6 years old. The Sony Alpha 57 is a bit of a bad camera too.  Why not use wireless flash in Intelligent Auto mode?
Then again after it was all over and posted a couple of pics I started to feel slightly better. Dresed for the rest of the night which helped. The point is if you were to say that the femme side is as important as it appeasr then ignoring it is not healthy. That would also suggest need to take more drastic measures to be happy.  OKI have ran, exercised, dieted, pierced and tatooed but never really thought it was totally serious, that possibly may be wrong.



Sunday, 6 September 2015

A Quick Dip

Actually dressed and did some pics today. Not many as felt needed to stop, not for any strange reason. Well the makeup went on easily and the pics ere easy but the flash when I looked later on the laptop they were out of focus. Ahah, the shutter speed was too slow, the flsh was no syncronising, super. Few could be saved and are not too bad. The body is looking OK really but the face is old. Good to dress and really do need to do more soon.
The odds are that autumn 2015 may not happen. Tooe arly to say but its possible. Lets see how the next couple of weeks go. Sapphire is in several places; most noticably 2 big black bags. It will be a battle to find clothes for an extended shoot.  Then again there have been too few new clothes and the pics are a bit samey.  Be nice to get out again.



Thursday, 27 August 2015

One More Lap

When at Falmer I went for a run dressed. Dep down I know I am a blonde with a ponytail and look slim and good. At home previously I tried to experiment with a ponytail and baseball cap, it wasnot successful. In the field I thought there would be very few people there so went for it. Tried for a ponytail with the long blonde wig and cap. Well it didnot work and later after the cap had become MIA I could not tie the hair in any way to keep it tidy. The breastform moved about too much on the crop top, it felt a bit of a mess and I was very glad very few people saw me. Then again the midriffe was on display so that was fun. Later I looked at a couple of phone pics I had taken  and it was eve worse. The hair was obviously a wig and the makeup did not work at all and the face was long a male.
Well you cannot keep a good girl down and later having done quite a bit of the Undercliffe walk went for it en femme. It came out at 9.5 miles, on a very hot day, took 3 litre MTP Camelbak. Very hard going. Used the hooded top bought previously and the Sweaty Betty legings. It deeply suspect I needed the size down but they were not in the sale. At a reduction down to £21 from say £70 they were a bargain but it would have been so much nicer if I could have got a smaller pair. Deep down I suspectwhat really annoyed the sales girl, not really woman, was I was so thin, "you are quite narrow." she said. If I had got into the changing room and seen them as slightly too large would I still have bought them? Probably, tag hag I am. The run was very demanding, far too hot the run back was better and cooler found the walk path better than the cycle path, OK didnot know it was a cycle path then. It was one of those thoughts that warmd the femme me for months, actually doing a quite long run dressed. Possibly like being on the tube, it was doing normal things. So the mental image of say a taller Gwyneth Paltrow which I so am was replaced by reality. Basically the face is not feminine, it looks OK in a few set pics but normally its too long, the chin too prominent and too many male wrinkles. Then again nobody pointed or was nasty so that was something.
I rather suspect it would take a massive amount for me to stop going out dressed. That is a massive turnaround from the wobble at the madhatter in February.

Friday, 21 August 2015

Bit Of History

Its 1978, you are 15 but look possibly 18 you want a pornographic magazine, of course you do  here do you go? Well there was a shop on the corner in Sunderland, buy broadsheet and mag put mag in broadsheet, job done. There was a shop in Hylton road had one of those revolving stacks, go there. Something slightly "harder" there was the "Speedy book shop" asecond hand book sho which ad an inner sanctum selling wrapped magazines so you could not see what you were buying. Strange shop, probaly known to the police and sold not terribly hard cpre stuff. There was a shop across the Wear where you could get say Whitehouse, bit of a trek and expensive. Sex shops, well expensive,very expensive, and again you could get say Radox or some other mag which might show actual penetration. Comments in 3 languages. There you have it. All terribly expensive and a ripoff to be fair. Remember a mag which seemed to have a stream of conscious sentence of Scandanivain wors which included Hasselblad. The ITV show "Budgie" had a man buying porn and Mr Kendle, Iain Cuthbertson, and the general sense that only those with mental health issues bought such material. In Brighton  there was a newsagents which worked; middle of nowhere, could monitor when nobody was going in or out. When left for University remember disposing of my stash of mags in a bin at the Civic Centre, probably seeing about my grant. It was wrapped in plastic bags and lived under my bed.


Saturday, 15 August 2015

still Picking At The Scab

More Brighton summer 2015.It feels as if it was so quick and so many targets not hit. This is slightly odd as there was no battle over getting meals or drink, no bad laundette experience. Travelling was not really a battle. No issues with the kitchen or I suppose road noise. Yet somehow earlier years with more issues which were shorter do seen to have stuck in the memory more. Possibly now it is easy to go out dressed in Brighton it is no big deal, even the day in London has not been seen as a big thing. The day in Liverpool last November was seen as a real result but London which was just as much a big thing seems to hardly be noteworthy. The bladder too out a day the rain took out at least 1. Also Pride was not the big thing it was hoped for.
Still do not know why did not do the Ghost Walk or go on the Pier or Hove Museum or lie down on the shingle. There was no single sit down and enjoy the now moment.
Perhaps its a bit teflon, nothing new to stick in the memory. Argably it was a bit too early in the holiday, I needed more time to unwind to decompress before the holiday. Posssibly even the iron issue if it is shown to exist may be an issue. The bigger issue is that the wig felt wrong, I felt older, the makeup was a bit off. Add the issues with the feet and knees and bladder then it does rather take the gilt off the gingerbread.
Lets count the positives. There were no issues, not even in London. The epaderm for shaving and washing the face worked well. The long run. Saw a lot of Tgirls, did the walk again.  some better pics too. There are concerns about the camera but to an extent they may have been overblown.
Hopefully November will happen, if it does will see about a new wig. Better shoes or at least insoles. Its not a setback really but I do wonder if the February slip has not been quite removed from the system. Possibly its just being by myself for so many days.

Friday, 7 August 2015

OK its over summer 2015

Lets be realistic. A lot of  targets were hit; a day out in London, a long run, the long walk. Really a lot did work. Eating ANZAC biscuits and coffee at Taylor Street, being on a bendy bus in French camo and leggings, doing risque pics, getting out there. Because I did, dressed 7 days, though not all day. Got the blisters to prove it too. The trip to London, well that was the target and it was so easy, said hello to the blue whale, the tube held no fears. Sadly What Katie Did was closed and it took too long to find. The long run dressed, well, possibly if did it in winter it might have been easier and the wig might have stayed on. However Sweaty Betty leggings did sort of deliver. The short run dressed, well lets call it a test. The walk went better than expected too, slight sense of vulnerability as people passed, not sure where that came from.
OK cup half empty.  Monday the bladder battle, not good not good at all. Sunday it rained, saturday it rained. The feet were always there, the wig needed hair spray both known issues which had not been addressed. We can talk about the bar having been raised again and it has. Actually did the proper walk on the level, no issues at all. A lot worked but not everything.  The bladder, the makeup, fate. There is also a sense that I am going to accept that I do not pass and have to live with it. Be good to get the makeup sorted.

Sunday, 26 July 2015

Interim Report

It is 18.02 and finally it has stopped raining. Sadly it was raining for the rest of the day. Was out earlier in the day and it was real.  It rained all the time, the feey hurt, all in all it was not an enriching experience. It was I suppose a chance to do the flip side of the glamorous things, the boring if not actually negative things which does happen. There were moments in the Emporium which did spark but even there there was a sense the makeup, the kryolan stick, was not a good idea. Not really sure what I expected from TransPride Brighton, everybody else appeared to be with someone and I was ignored a lot, though not in a delibrate way. The evening disco, oh dear, lets just say I forgot how difficult going alone can be. The good news was I did not stay and realised it was not my fault. So tomorrow is monday and will try London. The big thing I have got so far is that I look old, especially around the eyes. This has been quite a sapping experience and difficult to adapt to. The new camera is rubbish sadly, the possibility of outdoor shots has not been totally forgotten but the quality will be low. The dressed run was a bit of a mess, can do better. Shame to lose the cap. In a bit of. Negative place currently, lets see what tomorrow brings.

Friday, 24 July 2015

First Sitrep

it is 23:05, I am in aroom in Falmer, around me is a lot of the girls things. today I spent dressed, sadly I was also wet as it rained most of the day too. This was a right pain and rather sapped the spirits but also was in a way nice as suggested the girl was for "the working week" and that in some way experiencing negative things like being wet, a messy wig and less than perfect makeup you are getting closer to the genuine female experience. Well perhaps.  The running tights from Sweaty Betty are probably slightly too large but will use them happily. Along with the Fatface bag they are quality products which she deserves. Tomorrow is Trans Pride Brighton. I will be there. Today I bought new flat shoes, not sandals but even so. Saw a nice dress in M and S but too expensive. There is a disco on the evening, will have to see about that one. Going in heels on a train and walking for a long time does not work. Coiuld put them in the bag but that rather spoils the effect rather. Disappointed by the camera, suspect willnot get a cornocupia of fab shots after all. There is still the day in London and the walk, along with doing Brighton and Hove. Hopefully even a run too. The weather forecast suggests saturday will be OK but it will take until wednesday for things to not be wet. The 3 litre Camelbak looks optimistic. Would like to do the Underpass walk dressed, will use the long wig but no baseball cap. The primary recce of the Orangery does not look good. Its still all to play for butt he weather is being a bit naughty.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Ready For The Off

Well the fuel and O2 is being pumpedinto the tanks and its t - 1 hour, we are nearly good to go. Still stuff to do but only small things now, as ever it is those which make or break us. Basically started at 6 pm tonight and by 8.30 it was nearly done. The car has 3 big bags of Paige in the boot to stay hidden, the arms have been epilated, the pack is nearly full, there will be one more look at the stuff tomorrow and hope to lose more but that is unlikely. Feel an awful lot better must say. Tomorrow will be vile but it has to be endured. At least it will be first class. The back has been waxed, that went easier than expected.
Putting music onto the new Walkman, not too very impressive but hope will do the job.  Ipad full of tracks, mostly books. The Samsung S3 has been unlocked, £15 and a £20 unlimited 1 month GiffGaff SIM card. It may or may not have needed unlocking mid August so thats OK. The £24 for the lsat month would only have got 500Mb so going to have to live with that.
Would like to put some false nails on when down there, we shall see. Want to do the run, that is important, cannot find cap nor have I sorted out the pigtail either. Tomorrow will se which wigs go down with me. Need it all to go well, really do.

Sunday, 19 July 2015

PreHoliday Blues

Male me did a run, LGBT 5 K on friday, 25 mins 40 seconds, oops. Well there were a lot of photographers around and I was on several pics. Except it was not me, it was this old guy with sunken cheeks, lines from nose to mouth and an odd smile.  The run looked bad too. OK I thought it was enough to have good legs and be thin but these pics were rather crushing, looked old; lots of white hair, but also very male. It had rather taken the wind out if my Trans sails. OK I accept its in the mind rather than the body bit even so. The last time I was out was in February which was the unpleasantness at TKMaxx. Learnt from  that, get the makeup right, use more foundation setting powder. There is also the issue of proper footwear, may need to buy some new shoes, quite like the idea of sandals but not sure toes up to it.
The thing is I could only have overhyped this holiday, its the big one, the one the girl gets to be herself for extended periods, there is the sense of things could happen. OK lets be realistic, they very probably will not. I will be out dressed, do all the usual things, be quietly disappointed not seeing other Tgirls, there will be no sexual activity, I will not pass, I will be in a coffee shop on thursday and think "crap, only 2 days to go." I will have some bladder grief, will do the walk. There will be too much drink, too much sitting by myself in pubs and bars, being ignored in Legends, too much coffee. There will be cold draughts on my legs at sainsburys, going to St Barthelomews, a pic in the mirror at the museum, a lot of walking, Hove museum, starting to feel it is normal.
What can not be quantified is the unknown, by defination almost, ever since the girl clumped up Southover road in big boots I have sensed the "possibility" in the air. Its not happened and probably will not, I do not know how to tap in to it. Perhaps its not there.  The girl in Morrisons in the boots again, buying herbs and ingredients, oh to be her.
There will be a day in London, that will be interesting. It may be time to try somewhere else but where? Manchester lacked the vibe somehow, so did Liverpool. San Francisco, Venice? Lets laugh at that one.
The bottom line is that for personal sanity do need the time to dress, no matter where it is.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

Independence day

Its 10.00 pm on saturday night and I am wearing crop top, shorts and TV stick makeup.  Earlir I managed to finally do the July 4th pics and pleasantly surprised by them even if a lot of lens flare on some.
In just under 3 weeks I will be in Brighton and starting to think in earnst about how to get the most from it. So will need to get the back waxed, probablynot a spray tan, check the clothes, buy some more contact lenses and no doubt a lot of other things. Ideally wanted a wig but that is unlikely to happen now. If I can find a pair of sandals with a cushioned sole might get them. Flip flops may be an option but not sure toes up to it. If use the flats will need to put some insole in. Reasonably confient a run is possible but need to do more work on the hair.
There was a real relunctance to dress, as ever. Used the TV sticks, really need more powder but show potential, certainly for pics. The exercise and dieting appears to have paid off in the pics. Sadly the makeup skills need more work, but how? Might be an idea to get a MAC makeover, again, try not to spend to much money.
The hair on my arms has started to really bug me. Taken a little off but will need to get rid of it all. Bit of a battle on XHamster but ultimately suspect the days of me on it for hours has gone.





The face looks older, the creases are all to obvious, sadly must accept them. Also the hands too. Been plucking the eyebrows again, it all helps.  I no longer really believe that there is going to be any more blinding realisations but prepared to be wrong. There is a sense that I now pretty well know where I am and where I would like to go. The hard bit os going to be getting there.

Sunday, 14 June 2015

Back to the future

Odd one yesterday. Got the chance to dress and really went for it. started with a post on Facebook regarding using Kryolan stick as a foundation.  When started off my first makeovers ere done using kryolan so bought a colour corect stick.Later bought a slightly lighter stick as another website had a triangle in the centre of the face which actually turned out to be surprisingly effective. The problem with kryolan is is a swine to take off and at that time that was a significant issue, still is I suppose.  Anyway looking at the older pics and the face looked better. Suspected the kryolan was implicated in this. Ddecided to give itanother go. Finding the sticks was easy but the setting powder had vanished so used Aldi normal powder. Pleasantly surprised by the result so tried some pics.  Again in a retro way just put the flash on the bannister. Well later looked at the results and there was a something so felt it was worth doing at least for pics. For going out, well possibly used not enough powder but the creases seemed to somehow be more obvious after a time.  Will try to hunt out some powder to fix the kryolan and try again.
So all in all it was a success.  The makeup went on easily, basically took it easy and lowered my expectations. Need to start thinking about Brighton 2015. A poster appeared on Facebook including a dance at the saturday evening. Very tempting  but where staying is a 15 min train journey and say 10 min walk. Will think about it but would like to do it. There is something wonderful about going out in a nice frock in daylight. If could change into my fineary it might be possible. Need to order some more contact lenses, coming close to running out. Still not bought a new camera, again suspect there is a subsconscious reason for that. Did start to explore monopods for the outdoor pics. Do need to crack on with the diet and the exercise to look my best at Ditchling Beacon. Currently at 11 st 8 lb but have dipped down to 11 st 7. Still too much love handles on view. Only need to lose say 4 lb's.



Saturday, 6 June 2015

Is it worth it?

Attempted to get the mag where there is suppossed to be my pics. Left with a some food for thought. It was a battle getting there.  Suppsed to be 35 minsby train but train was late and had to stand to Newcastle. Then took about half an hour to find the place.  The mag was not there but could get 4 items for 3. Nothing in the "toys" or vids but saw red and black mules  at £22.  promising.  Lace dress at £19. Then a black lacy kimono at £45, opps.  The woman suggested a basque at  £39. The final bill was £107 which felt high but was correct. as ever I had got slightly "fuged" by the place. So was it a result, well up to a point.  The shoes well would have paid up to £30.  But the rest, well, nothing was at a stupid price but you could easily knock £10 off each one. £70 wasted would be harsh but £70 for the lot would have been a bargain.
There is a bigger question as to buying things for the lass, how often will thy be used and how do you measure value for money? So I have an Axford corset at £110 which absolutely love and another for t £100 which was not quite an impulse buy and ideally I would not have bought.  The latex stockings, good fun but used so few times are they a result?  They have fed the inner girl and I can say I have worn latex, so the cost is probably OK.  Potentially £60 of todays spend could be done without.
I have an image of being in the summer accommodation, kimono, mules and in the front room having breakfast, probably too close to the window. Thats worth a few pounds. One of the aims of the blog is to reflect and to modify for the better my thoughts and behaviour. Would like to go to What katie Wore in london but that will be expensive!

Saturday, 30 May 2015

Dressing Interuptus

Well a couple of days lying in bed with cold has not done any harm to abs or weight but probably that will change. Went to Aldi and got 2 total support bras 34D and 36D for £2.99 each, result. In town also got a couple of cheap boas. Back home put on a couple of corsets and yet again the absolute faff of putting the over bust corset was negated by how good it looks on. Then tried the running stuff on, not too bad and the tight shorts could work well too! The light blonde long haired wig showed promise too. Then to the stockings, bra, blue corset, gloves outfit for the burlesque act. Tried it with the boa and the DVD until got all lost removing the gloves. Did not feel too silly so that says something. Put the lycra stretchy sparkly dress on and with  the heels had tea, butter curry a bottle of cider and it all went well. Started washing up, san heels due to the lino on the floor bit felt cold and worried J might arrive suddenly.  Which she did unexpectedly a couple of hours later, hope I manage to not be too suspicious and only the aroma of 1,000 Kisses remained. To be honest bit annoyed to get interupted like that. No phone call or text, OK phone was not on but even so. If had been seen with dress on well not ideal but do feel I need my space.

Friday, 29 May 2015

Its A Go

So to a large extent Brighton 2015 has been planned for. Thursday to sunday at Susex University, £300, Ticket to London Kings Cross £35.10, ticket Kings Cross to home £60. So lets say £400. The train tickets have gone up and 1 is first class and the London to Brighton part has not ben paid for yet but that should be £20 and say another £10 for the tube. Then there will be the Falmer Brighton cost, lets say £30-40. I would like to get another camera, some new clothes it will all add up. Once I had hoped I could have a really good holiday, leather toilet bags and a Leica camera for some reason were the symbols of this.  Now I have no such hopes, possibly if I made a really big effort saving something could be done, would love Venice or Paris. The point is holiday means time to release the inner girl. So  there will becoffe shops, beaucoup pics, white wine, ladies toilets, talking to other people. Not so sure how to meet other Tgirls, go out clubbing or even just have a coffee. There is a cunning plan to do some al fresco pics, do the walk and possibly a couple of runs dressed. Then in November hope to do Manchester/Liverpool/Bury.

Monday, 25 May 2015

Pixel by pixel

My first digital camera was in at a guess, 2003 or 2004. I was taking pics of myself naked and would prop it against the TV in my room and use the timer. I suspect there was some self actualisation going on. During this time there was a couple of instances of attempted dressing, there is a pic of a stockinged leg. It used Compact Flash cards, expensive but used till surprising lly recently.  It was silver and quite compact and simple to use. In 2008 to visit Jodie I bought a new Nikon Coolpix in black. Sadly it was not terribly good and I was never happy with it. In 2010 after a lot of research, thank you Internet, bought a Panasonic TZ8 would was said to be a Leica but without the red dot. I use it today and it still gives sterling service. Recent research into anew camera and I was surprised how things had advanced. If I am to take alfresco pics, and I so do, then some form of remote is required, this is not an issue  as a lot of cameras have WiFi and NFC so can use mobile phone to trigger camera, some allow to see image from screen too. Potentially could be very useful. Seen a coiple of possibles but for some reason did not feel like buying, not sure why but have learnt over the years that when that happens there is probably a good reason.
For the heavy lifting used the Alpha 200, granted the shutter was loud and it was a compromise, the focusing was a bit "hunting" at times, also the body sometimes would not speak to the lens too. However that and the flash unit, the Sony HVL-F42AM, £150 but worth every penny, must have taken thousands of pics. Year before last bought the Alpha 58, quieter, lighter but fatally flawed as needed a new Intervalometer, problem resolved now but it would be wrong to say it was a camera I enjoyed using. Not taking as many pics now as well. I have a bounce flash umbrella and a couple of tripods. I tried briefly before the second flash died with a 2 flash system. Then got some parachute ripstop nylon to use as a white backcloth. For quite a time would setup the tripod with the camera and Intervalometer, put the flash on the bannister and good to go. The A58 had none of that and I had to use a netbook with the rubbish software USBed to the camera. Later I found a way using lightroom or Photoshop to see the downloaded pics which is useful. Now an Intervalometer is available so use that. Originally used a wireless trigger but that required hiding the wireless release button unit.
When I got a week for at least a few days to myself I would setup an area with white sheets and leave the tripods out. One year made an studio I suppose in the garage, complete with heels tapping on the concrete. It all takes time. Originally the put the flash on the banister would take say 15 mins, then better background, longer. Then use downstairs so it could easily take up to an hour to get usable pics. Its quite stressful too, hunting for pegs and clothes.
Been through several software packages, RAWTHerapee, Light room, Photoshop elements, Photoshop had some nice plugins but they got virus ridden so had to go. Suppose it helps.
In 2005 it was a Nikon e3200. Then a Nikon CoolpixL15.  Before that it was a HPSmart 318.









It is said that French peasants in the 15th century didnot know what they looked like. Assuming you didnot have  mirror you would have to rely on your reflection in water or glass. Imagine being a Tgurl before digital cameras and the Internet.




Saturday, 23 May 2015

Summer Time Thinking

Well Sussex University finally got back and tomorrow I will pony up £300 for a room during the vacation. Then I can start thinking about train tickets. So thats done really. Ideally would have a big holiday in a hotel, spend beaucoup money and visit a dressing service, all top draw stuff. However its going to be a compromise again. Once I would put away £50 a month and see ot grow for the holiday, should do that again, it was nice to count it and imagine what will do. In quite a few ways I am brightoned outbut as ever I know stuff will happena nd I will find myself in a coffeshop thinking "oh no need to go home soon."  The big one was at the pub just up from the station, was unemployed so some time ago and there is a pic of the inside of the pub with a nice grate on the fire. That was prePaige but the principle still applies. Do not really have much expectation for Trans Brighton 2015 but live in hope, would like to do London.
The pics have been a relative success on Flickr, some more still to process and need to make a decision about the vid. Tried last week to get the mag I I supposed to be in with no success. Not a big problem may need to mail order it which would be dicey.
Shorts weather which is nice but my shaven legs well so be it. The arms need shaving epilating but that could be more complicated but really do want to do it. Th eyebrows are getting there butt he weight is a bit high still.  Tranny party is no longer in Brighton but I think Seaford would like to go but could be tricky getting there, lot of time to think about that one.  Ideally Trans prode would have a ball or party but it would be difficult for me to attend as would need to get the train. It still irrattes me seeing girls dressed up getting into taxis and going out  clubbing. Once there was actually snow on the ground, I was in Chester Road and a girl got into a taxi wearing high heels, sheer tights and a black small ensemble. That sheared itself into my memory. Now THAT would be a challenge on the Falmer to Brighton train!

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Getting Things In Focus

Well left alone for the weekend and yesterday managed some dressing, no makeup and today managed pics. Up for started 10 am , lots of shaving of body, then moisturising, tidying up and geting things ready, seting up the back ground.  Moving furniture. At 12 stoppd for lunch and really was in front of the camera by 1 15 pm. Still lots of hunting for clothing and the running baseball cap. Thought it would be good to try the 50 mm prime lens again. called it a day at 4.30 and felt a lot better as ever do. The problems started when looked at he pics. Too many were out of focus and too amny were badly exposed. Granted white on a white background was nott ideal there was something else, I suspect the 50 mm lens.  Then CS3 did not have a RAW plugin, odd but sort of sorted that. It is not good enough really. Get insufficient chances to take pics and when do they come out do not get enough good ones.  once it was a 15 min operation, tripod, setup camera, intervalometer, put flash unit on bannister, job done.  Granted lots of possible flare but it did turn out a reasonable print. The advanced technique, bounce flash and all, can be much more effective. However to get there takes so much longer, when it goes wrong well you feel it burn.
The other point was the pics show an older face, a wider stomach and a big ribcage.  Here it comes. There is now a real sense it is coming very soon to realise I can no longer, if I ever could, the young pics and move on. Also that the Transwoman I a is an older woman.



Sunday, 10 May 2015

Not A Lot Really

This blog is brought to you by Vermention Terre Siciliane white wine, basically a mild pinot grigio. Managed to stretch the piercing, from 2.4 to 3 mm. Tried couple of times before but this time used a bigger taper, lots of lube and it took 5 mins. The taper seemed to go deep enough so tried with actual ring, could see it other side of the hole, bit of a push and it was through, not painful at all. OK bit of an ache later but thats that. Probably changing to the steel BCR gave an little extra weight so it started to be stretched.  In a couple of month will try again for 4 mm.
Had half hoped to dress on either/and friday and sunday.  It didnot happen which is surprisingly irratiting and getting me down. Next weekend should happen with  a bit of luck. Not sure what pics will do but even so. Saw pics of me at half marathon, looked old, the nose mouth crease very prominent. After run in bath used hair conditioner to shave with, surprisingly effective. Used to do that years ago but stopped as the epilation kicked in. Sometimes you know things but you stop doing them for some reason. In the look for the tapers found dog tags, On the 11/08/07 went into Lacies for the first time and kicked it off. .the best date to go with. That makes Paige 8, wow, Sapphire as an alter ego is younger.
The diet is not really doing much, 11st 9-10 still.  Then again the powerhouse is looking a lot better.  The pics will show how effective the exercise has actually been.Looking forward to the chance to do some alfresco shots must say. Need to sort out wig,coat, flat shoes insoles and VOICE, possibly even camera.Be nice to do London too.
Ordered a couple of How To DO A Burlesque Strip, not sure where, if anywhere, that one is going.

Monday, 4 May 2015

Summertime Dreaming

OK lets be real. Its a compromise, I do not have the money for a big real holiday so need to compromise.  Also Paige needs time out. There is also the thought of Trans Pride to go to. Legends is going to be too expensive or noisy and University of Brighton just not a starter. That leaves Sussex University, not happy with needing to get a train in but will have to live with it. Would like to do London, Sweet Wedneday posibly, see the blue whale. Do the walk, try for some more alfresco pics, there are still things to do. Granted ideally would be somewhere new but a week in Manchester or Liverpool would be too expensive. So sent an application in for 10 days at Falmer. The potential runs are more complicated but not too bad and the refrectories make up for a lot. Sadly  no dressing services probably. Again not totally sure what to expect from Trans Pride anyway. Suppose the question is what do I hope for in a holiday?This topic will be discussed ad nausem until it happens and then post mortemed but lets see this as a first post on the topic.

Friday, 1 May 2015

Dressing and Makeup

It is 23:17 on friday first of May. I am dressed, heels, even makeup after a fashion. No big wow moment but feel OK.  Again looking older, not just the quick makeup, there is a sense need to move on and accept it. The body is fine, too tall but the face not so good. Do need to get a new wig. The ones I have now are not really good enough. Cannot do my lips, too thin and need to be careful with the highlighter. Shaved off a lot of body hair, that is always good.
The magazine which said it would publish some  of my pics is now available to buy. Ideally they would have emailed me after replied to their questions.  Would not be too surprised if  the pics were not in the mag.Still will buy it when come across it.
Should be ale to book summer holiday accommodation. Its 00:24 now, removed makeup, moisturised and put drops in eyes. The eyes ar the batle.  The eye liner is a swine to remove, Clinique "Take the day off" absolutely changed my makeup as I could remove the evidence completely which I could not before. Used Ultrabland, Lush, which is not as successful as Aldi's makeup wipes. When used Kryolan stick it was a right nightmare to take off. Its an important thing to get right especially if expecting people back now! Tired so will stop.  Despite everything its been a success and do feel better for it. Should get longer in a couple of weeks time.























































































































Saturday, 25 April 2015

Another Quick One

Managed to get in a very brief dressing session. Interupted half way through by guy from Amazon, it was 7 pm by now. Got out of lycra dress, wig, bra, breastforms and heels, put on boy stuff Sadly my feet showed my tights still on. Oh dear. Not a big deal, this has happened several times on holiday but not at home. No makeup or attempt to take pics. Fell calmer, definatly. Wore glasses seemed to go well with wig. The lycra PVC catsuit well, still looked slightly fat bit not too bad. Do need to sort out new wig, as ever voice too.
Need a proper session, makeup, pics, perhaps even some new clothes.  There should be at least a day in mid May, so that will help.  Lots of stuff about where we are going and starting hormones,again, again.
looking oler and really womdering where its all going if anywhere. Been saying things need to change but not sure however how this might happen.
The pilates has made a difference and do believe the stomach, and possibly the legs do look better.  I have a hope that I can take some South Downs bikini shots this year and they will look better. Hopefully new pics will look better, currently the waist is letting m down, there may be a time where it becomes necessary to accept a look as the best I am going toget or am prepared to work towards.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Quick fix

Well managed a quick dressing session today, quick being the operative word.  No contact lenses or makeup and not for long but even so it was a relative success, feel better.  I am at still 11st 11 lb which does not seem so bad, did some pilates this morning which is helping. The legs appear to be very muscular in heels not to bad. Missing MYBuyBox several things would like to buy! Like to try a burlesque strip, seen a couple of possible tutorial vids and have a look in my head. Then again the voice has hardly advanced in several years.
No reply from the mag which said tbey wanted to publish some pics. Not especially surprised, hope they do get published, vain tart I am. In the middle of May should get a 100% totally deffo chance to dress and take pics. The problem now is that have no new looks to do.
Been a couple of thoughts about trying the hormones again, not seriously but even so. The weather is more sunny so bit more "frisky"hormones would stop that, which would be good. Need to get body in shape for holidays as do have a few ideas for pics outdoors! This would require a new camera which would cost money and that is an issue at the moment.
Wondering about Summer 2015. Ideally spend some time in London and Manchester but also Trans Pride Brighton. Difficult from a logistic and financial position I realise. Just cannot really see having the money. Like to do Pink Punters but also Canal street on a saturday but how?  Brighton and London are easy enough but London to Manchester is a long journey.  Possibly Manchester and Liverpool in Oct/Nov and Brighton/London in the summer.  Last year the Pride event was very little to do with Trans, granted they were the week before.
Its 3 months away which gives me time to save some money!



Thursday, 2 April 2015

Clothes Maketh The Woman

If you were to look at my Flickr stream you would see a lot of me , in several senses, in lingerie. This is OK as the pics are OK but not what I had hoped for. Ideally I would be wearing expensive suites and some such, lovely dresses and evening gowns, there would also be pics of me in clubs and restaurants. This is not my life as Sapphire.  Most of the time it is snatched evenings in leggings and a sweater but probably no makeup or afternoons taking pics. With a bit of  luck 3 times a year I get out and about. February and November are cold, August is, hopefully hot so more skin can be shown. Yet the pics tend to show leggings, flat shoes, a long tshirt I suppose it is and the cagoule and sweater. This I prefer to believe works and I sort of blend in. I could wear a skirt but long legs would perhaps be too obvious or, I wish, attract the wrong type of attention until they realise what they are looking at. There have been several occasions where it is entirely possible I have had several approving comments, ignoring feminist pleadings.
Would like a coat, ideally trench coat, that feels right somehow. There is a concern about flat shoes making my feet look too long but heels make me look even larger and even even taller. Brighton had a Long Tall Sally but its not there now. York would be closest.Did pop in a couple of times but nothing was both cheap enough and nice enough. Did half hope to get a girly parka last, hopefully, winter.

Friday, 27 March 2015

Ooops Numbers Do Matter

I have half heartedly started another diet. The love handles are a pain. If you maintain a deficit of 500  calories a day you will probably lose a pound a week. If you run for an hour you burn up 850 calories. So far so good. So 2 days a week I do just that. Before my run I may have a small cchocolate bar, 120 cal say and after the run a protein drink which, I have just discovered, is a wopping 750 cal. This efecrively wipes out the run, though there are other benefits to the run. So the sad fact is the 1 hour runs are potentially conterproductive from a weight loss point of view. A bit of a shock I must say and a rethink is required.

Sunday, 15 March 2015

Not too shabby after all.

Well its 10 pm and I did actually manage to do a photoshoot.  The original plan was to start a lot earlier but inertia and something else, not sure what got in the way. Up at 8 and expected to be in front of the camera by 12.  Nope, it did not happen, actually had a bath at 12 ish.  Shaved most of my body which took a surprisingly long time but finally got going by 1 ish. Makeup went on OK and all in all went wellish. Felt quite disappointed when had to stop. looking at the pics well, yes, the face does look old, no getting away from that but the body is OK, could be thinner but not too bad. Usual battle finding clothes etc and that does need changing. Two packs of batteries failed, amazingly, fresh out of the wrapper. Suppose I could have gone on and done more but needed to do the boring housekeeping stuff.  Do feel better about things. Need to sort out a place to put clothes etc.  Next time will try to plan ahead a bit more.  Nice to use the Axford's corset and She Said bra. The Ann Summers suspender belt worked well too.
Its March now, 4 weeks ago I was at Brighton and something failed or I thought it did. Lets call it the Mad Hatter Moment. Feel better about it now. Do need a new wig though. The worrying thought is it could be August before I go out dressed again.Thats 5 months, oh dear. Thats not good at all.



Wednesday, 11 March 2015

Getting Back On The Horse

On sunday I should totally, absolutely, definately, get all day to dress and take pics. What this probably means is a huried session but there we go.  To be honest there is very little new clothes or things to wear.   It could be a bit of a battle finding things.  Need to sort out AA batteries for the flash, charge up the camera battery, ideally find some outfits. The backwash of Brighton still lingers and there is a sense that in some way I might have lost a cwertain somethng, also the face is looking older I feel. I am slowly groping towards a new older girl paradigm but it is still painful to think I will never look young. May hit Newcastle on saturday and will see if there is anything that catches my eye there.

Saturday, 21 February 2015

Some good, some bad

Its saturday night now, been back 3 days and so what to say? Well there is not a sense of failure or enbarassment but not of success either. Still not quite sure what happened on tuesday.  Possibly the combination of a cold, bad nights sleep, a bad wig and being out of practise did not help. The knees felt bad too. If I could have cancelled I would. That there was no bad incidents perhaps says a lot. OK the important question, what was not needed on the trip? Well the white scarf and the red gloves straight off. Coiple of the nighties were not needed too. One of the pairs of leggings, possibly a couple of bras, 1 of the wigs thats probably about it. I would have made sure the batteries for the camera were charged too. What you do get is the sense of potential at Brighton.  If I had the money and time there were things I could have done. Then there is the makeup, ideally that needs a bit of a rethink, spend more time practising. As ever the voice requires much work. It was disappointing the number of times got "sirred" need to move the balance of probablity to female a bit more. Be nice to sort out the piercings too. Get the nails sorted out as well, possibly stickons.  A kinono would have helped too. A new coat would help. The knees being off and concerns over the running may have put a dampner on things.  I keep returning to this one as I do needto improve.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Brighton Spring 2015

I am sitting on a bed in Brighton, leggings, top, breastforms, makeup. Tomorrow I go back home. So how was it, Brighton Spring 2015? If you had asked me yesterday I would have said great, earlier today i would have said somethings gone wrong somewhere and now, well not so bad but need to up the game a bit. Nothing as such went wrong, was out from 10.30 till after 4 and had a wow moment but something else also kicked in. Walking round M and S womens clothes felt out of place, the wig was a bit bedraggled, the makeup shiny and nor yp to it anymore. Even though for a moment it was all passing.  Still talked to a shop assistant and it went fine but when got back to room and had bath felt not good at all. Partly it os a sign of how far i have advanced that I felt less than chipper about today. I was hot and sweaty, kept coughing and not 100 %.  The left knee was playing up and I felt old. Its the knee business, hopefully it gets resolved and I can run again, the cold goes and i will feel better all round. The makeup skills are not good enough it seems, the wig has seen better days i do feel more positive about the new breastforms, they are good. Bit tired of the cagulle, that has seen better days and the boots looked good but are tight. There is the ongoing issue of the voice and looking older. As ever the negatives speak for themselves the positives do require saying too. I was not stared at or anything like that, people were polite and an awful lot worked, this all sounds very familiar. The fleecy leggings are lovely. I do feel Sapphire has been fed but she wants more, course she does. The moment in the Madhatter, the bra at She Said, there are 2 standout moments, more will appear later.
So to the summer, lets start on the voice it will help, a coat will not be required, I should be healthier, a new wig should be possible. I am not hoing to be too negative about this holiday but perhaps I have been a bit complacent about things. I should have somewhere to cook food or a refrectory, should be running too. Lots of girls do not even get what I have had in the last2 days so lets be positive. You rely on these holidays and put so much hope into them.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Ready For The Off

Well off tomorrow. The cold has kicked in so hoping that will be contained or else it could be bad. The packing is as bad as it ever is. Only 2 days but so  much stuff, why? Hope to get a coat, ideally a parka or trench coat, that would be good. The run seems unlikely. Do not really expect to see anyone down there. The boots and the leggings should be good, would like an insole for the flat shoes but they are ready to be replaced anyway.  Lets hope the knees are up to it. Just to be left alone in a room seems to be a nice thing at the moment. November went very well lets not forget that. 

Friday, 13 February 2015

Lets be real

i have never had a girl friend, incredibly enough. Possibly my possible Aspergers or Gender dysphoria but anywat no girl or woman has ever thought hmm lke to spend time with him. Until the dysphoria reahed her head there was a belief it was only a matter of time, some woman would find me attractive. And why not; kind considerate and caring when you see so many less good types out there, it was only a matter of time.  Then over time it withered and died. The last woman I would watch for signs that they were watching me for signs of atraction really died in 1996. After that it seemed to ebb away, not totally, I am still roughly heterosexual and in my dreams, such as they are, my future is with a female not a male. How ever my future is alone.

Scent of a woman

In 2012, I think, in Brighton, when first out, went to Lush for a scent or perfume. mentioned before the trick where they hold your hand to release the scent. Well ended up with 1,000 Kisses.  Its anice if full on scent. Now I wear CK1 which is supposed to be unisex so I wear it in male mode as well. Bit of a nod to going full time I suppose. The smell of freedom is my ideal scent which is quite light. The aim is to leave a slight smell when I depart, not overpowering but certainly there part of a diffusion shell of slight smell.
Tonight been dressed but no makeup, not good really.  The lines on face are too prominent, certain Linda lee potter look not ideal. Granted not shaved.
It would have been good to do the support group with makeup on. Always meant to but it never happened. Theclose was very unexpected, bang and gone. No notice at all. Had I known I was attending the last meeting prior togetting there would have prepared something, a card or a present. II made an effort, hope it was enough and was appreciated.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Nearly There

In 5 days I will be in Brighton. In one sense there is a certain lack of excitement and in another the thought of being out dressed is rather exciting. The having to hide everything in my room is a right pain. In November the extraction fan in the bathroom was so noisy that I remembered I had some tea light s in my pack and used them very successfully, that combined with the M and S gin mixer drinks worked very well. Still battle to pack, even for basically 2 days. Then there is the trip down and back 1 day each way. At least will not have the awful coming in to Newcastle, waiting at the bridge, getting the last train home. There are no real plans, like to do the Ghost Walks, can easily spend 1 day wandering round, could do Lewes, whatever it will work. A coat would be good, thinking parka, fur round the hood. Hoping the boots work, will try some type of inner sole in the flats. Like the idea of a run but thats very dubious now, possibly 1, say 1 hour.
Possibly a MAC makeover but not certain about that.
There is a lot of family issues which have overshadowed things, sadly.
Started the look for a new compact digital camera. The current one is fine but getting on and for a bit less money I should be able to get one with remote control possibly via the phone. That would be good. The current one has been very effective but from a selfie point of view could be better. Also need to think about a new MP3 player.
Might go the Duke of Yorks must see whats on.  Will visit the Emporium, the museum, possibly the Pavilion. Must remember the bears this time. If the days left for holidays is correct might be able to squeeze in a long weekend in London, though that would need money, possibly Manchester. The big question is what about the girl when at home? Thats the rest of the time.

Friday, 6 February 2015

It Really Does Not Matter

It is 23:49 on a friday.  I am wearing the fleecy leggings, black polo top, heels amd plum wig. Straight on its all rather good, perhaps the breast forms are too big but not an issue. From side on its less god but we know that. Then there is the face, the lines are not good; from the nose to the mouth oh dear, the eyes, the forehead.Despite being over 12 st I do look thin, well in black anyway.
I do not pass, I know that.
You can revise, do the prctise exam but its only when yousit down, take your watch off to see the time and, possibly open the mints, then you do it for real. You then get the you havr x minutes.  Its now real. So you do the makeup, the clothes, pack the bag but its when the door closes behind you and you step out then it all gets real. Then possibly even not then.
So there it is. Should I stay inside because I do not pass, no I say or else I would not have posited the question really. That is not to say I should not do my best but for me not others.
Last November I walked along Sefton Park the perimeter stones in leggings, the stripy top, flat shoes and carrying a Goretex cagoule. I never felt closer to some ideal or imagined Audrey Heburn avator or ideal at that moment.

Saturday, 31 January 2015

Happily Numb

It is saturday night, 18;11. J is at D's I will be alone till tomorrow. There is beaucoup gin and white wine, some nice food from Tesco's.  Also a couple of cigars if I wish. Several options for DVD's.  I dressed; Sarah Lund sweater, new Primark fleecy leggings (thanks for the tip Kay), the Aldi boots.  Bit tight with socks but we shall see. Also 1000 kisses perfume. Even a wig, the slightly darker bob.  It all went so so easily, slight tingles in stomach but feels so natural. Knees are hurting a bit so may not wear heels tonight.
Saw a possible coat in M and S today. In just over 2 weeks time I will be in Brighton. There was an advert on the radio which said "what do you want to achieve this year?" OK its Feb now but lets go for it. The voice has to be the big thing, as it has been for some time. Get out more, meet more trans people. Do Brighton TransPride 2015.  This should be achievable. Would like to email A***** about getting a new wig. Would like to do A****** place again this year. Arguably thos Feb should have gone to Manchester; day in Liverpool, possible day at A***** but money got inthe way. Its a better journey, can leave at 7 pm and get there for 10 pm. Not spend a day getting there. Of course there are other reasons for going to Brighton.
A tgirl I whose opinion L value used the word afformation as in no longer needing it from Flickr. It chimes in with my thoughts nicely. It could explain a lot. Once I would have blatted out a shedload of pics, there are several reasons why I am not doing it now, lets not underestimate the cold weather for one, but possibly that is a strongone.  Found the black curtains I obtained from work as a backcloth, be nice to try it out sometime.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

First Left, Cannot Miss It

When it all kicked off I realised I needed to go to a dressing service. As ever the internet is your friend.  I suspect it was a list on Translife of such services, some with websites, some not. Well there was a shop or somethng in my home town, no website but a phone no. The shop name I did not recognise and it took a few goes to get through. " We have not been that for years" was the reply. There was also a dressing service outside Darlington.  Not too far.  I went to the most obscure out of the way public phone box and got through. Not very reassuring, "would you want any other services?" he said. Sounded like a "hole in the wall" place and I never persued it any further.
Newcastle had a shop, closed with the Transformations butterfly logo on. Was I saved from making an expensive mistake, probably.  As it was I ended up at the Boudoir.
The second thing to say is that there was never really a big revelationatory moment, a sudden sense of having a realisation.  Rather it has been slow incremental steps.  I had hoped for a big moment when I first did the Boudoir, remember looking at my madeup face from various angles and saying, yes yes a lot.  No big bang or revulsion either. First time going out when slightly drunk, 20 mins of excitement and fear.   The Transister event, in one way a flop in another a success. Suppose going out all day was another big one too. 
So where now? Hormones have been parked for the moment, still got 3 wheels so could restart.  Passed the place where the support group used to meet first. Rather miss that I must say.  Its the new year, I feel older and an questioning things.  It is entirely possible that have reached some steady state. Say 2 holidays with 2 days dressing, a longer holiday, possibly a dressing service, is that enough? 
When I first started trawelling around the Internet read an article that included the phrase"are you Ts, pray to god that you are not as it's a horrible road to go down"  paraphrase it a bit but that has allways stuck with me. Ultimately the fact that I am asking these question suggests that I want to go further. However all the easy bits have been done and there are only the difficult ones left.


The date of this pic is 2005, probably. University of Brighton accommodation.


Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Slap, bang, wallop

For non Trans reasons I had occasion to pick up the DSLR, hmm nice and light I thought and was mildly impressed. Sadly the difference between Program and Intelligent Auto became readily apparent and that was that. If given time and a fair wind the camera will produce good pics, the Intervalometer has been sourced and the flare issue basicaly resolved.  The flash unit is old and probably will need replacing in the near future. Here we have an issue. I do want to maintain the capacity to take good pics but am taking fewer of them. It also takes longer to get to a position to take a pic. So need to put up a background, setup camera, flash, take a few preview pics.  At this point I am good to go and can burn off pics if there is not a battle to find clothes, props etc. The flash cost a surprising £150 6 years agoso cannot really complain. There have been thoughts about buying a proper flash setup, say £200 but need somewhere to store it, to put it up and its a lot of money. Could do with a proper background set of some description too. Problem is  there has been very little new clothes worth photographing and a lot of repeats. The second issue is that I need to lose weight, probably more than ever.
Saw a pic of a gurl who had her shoes on a shelf, another gurl had a room with draws etc.  I have a battle to hide things and to find things.  A new wardrobe or chest of draws would help. Dressed on monday, no makeup but got some powerful feelings back.
Brighton middle of february, lets see how that goes. Once had a moonshot idea of walking to LAcies dressed, never happened as they closed down in Brighton.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Gratitious Underwear Shot

The above picis dated Sept2010, probably correct.  It would be the peak of the diet and pilates. The face had not started to look too old. I probably weighed under 11 st 7 lb. I was really going for it. I could probably get there again but the work required would be significant. Now I am 12 st or even 12 st 2 lb. Half a stone would do it. So what would I say to me from 2010 via tachyon email? Four years ago, no support group, no hormones, no piercings, hardly been out dressed,still going to J*****. Well I would suggest investigating laser more, I thought the skin was too light but that may be wrong. Also do get out more. 2012 was the breakout year, could have been a year earlier. There were worries but not as great then. The knees and back were spot on, the arthritis had not kicked in. Still had quite good closeup vision, there was a sense of optimisim as well. Go to A****** dressing service, start on the voice, not really much I would change to be honest.
In the Daily Telegraph an article about Trans people and vocie therapy, said Fiona Bruce or Charlotte Green were popular voice role models. Fiona Bruce, had not thought about it but that might well be more achievable than Sussanah Harker.