PreHoliday Blues

Male me did a run, LGBT 5 K on friday, 25 mins 40 seconds, oops. Well there were a lot of photographers around and I was on several pics. Except it was not me, it was this old guy with sunken cheeks, lines from nose to mouth and an odd smile.  The run looked bad too. OK I thought it was enough to have good legs and be thin but these pics were rather crushing, looked old; lots of white hair, but also very male. It had rather taken the wind out if my Trans sails. OK I accept its in the mind rather than the body bit even so. The last time I was out was in February which was the unpleasantness at TKMaxx. Learnt from  that, get the makeup right, use more foundation setting powder. There is also the issue of proper footwear, may need to buy some new shoes, quite like the idea of sandals but not sure toes up to it.
The thing is I could only have overhyped this holiday, its the big one, the one the girl gets to be herself for extended periods, there is the sense of things could happen. OK lets be realistic, they very probably will not. I will be out dressed, do all the usual things, be quietly disappointed not seeing other Tgirls, there will be no sexual activity, I will not pass, I will be in a coffee shop on thursday and think "crap, only 2 days to go." I will have some bladder grief, will do the walk. There will be too much drink, too much sitting by myself in pubs and bars, being ignored in Legends, too much coffee. There will be cold draughts on my legs at sainsburys, going to St Barthelomews, a pic in the mirror at the museum, a lot of walking, Hove museum, starting to feel it is normal.
What can not be quantified is the unknown, by defination almost, ever since the girl clumped up Southover road in big boots I have sensed the "possibility" in the air. Its not happened and probably will not, I do not know how to tap in to it. Perhaps its not there.  The girl in Morrisons in the boots again, buying herbs and ingredients, oh to be her.
There will be a day in London, that will be interesting. It may be time to try somewhere else but where? Manchester lacked the vibe somehow, so did Liverpool. San Francisco, Venice? Lets laugh at that one.
The bottom line is that for personal sanity do need the time to dress, no matter where it is.