Tuesday, 27 December 2016

Long Legs Of The Law

Did some pics today. An absolute psychological struggle it ahs to be said, spent ages with the Interfit flash on the stairs with a bounce umbrella. Put makeup on quickly and did the policewomen pics. The "charged" squark is very loud and cannot be cancelled and is a pain. I thought the pics looked OK but on seeing them exposure is too high but migth get something useful. The point is I realised I have to do so much to get a pic, setup the flash, setup the camera, find clothes, put on makeup and then wig and then go for it. Its a big battle. Say I had my own place, the flash could be setup pretty well permantly, the clothes in drawers neatly and easy to find, an awful lot of time saved to start. Then putting away would be quicker too. As it is well we have been there before so lets move on. Hopefully can save some pics, though feel curiosly not bothered as if just getting made up is enough sometimes.
New Years Eve looks unlikely sadly, it is not impossible another cahnce to dress may occur this week but not holding my breath. There was a nice small bag at FatFace which hoped would be in January sales but no joy. Mind you just seen another bag which might well do. Soon will do a review of this year, we shall see!

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Under The Tree

One of the nicer Xmas traditions/excuse to dress up is the Xmas card. So for several years I have found a skimpy Xmas costume and taken some pics by the Xmas tree. Sadly last year could not which was  not nice at all as I recycled an old pic. Yesterday I managed to do the shoot for this year. sadly the new flash units have  a loud bleep when charged which really put me off though they synced nicely with the camera.  The other mains flash refused to sync so it was back to the battery flash through a white umbrella. Unfortuntely the exposure never really got right and the flash ate 4 batteries after 150 shots. The problem is its reinventing the wheel all the time, so if I could just get more practise I would be better ad quicker but I am not. Did not get the policewoman or Lara Croft look done either.  Did get a bit of camming in which is always fun. Reallywonder about the camera sometimes, the pic quality should be better. On the plus side there is at lwast 1 day when I should be alone so might be able to squeeze in another session.
It may have been the wide angle lens but the face looked fatter and all in all it was not the success I was hoping for. Will have 3 definite pics to upload but thats not ideal.  The dress is actually Ann Summers. Had hoped to look like a young Julie Christie but reasonably happy with the look.

Sunday, 11 December 2016

Bit Dull

I rather suspect the dose of PTU of 1 tablet a day is too low. Currently I am running at 12 st 5 lb which sort of shows, started doing pilates again and that helps tighten things. Need to get down to 11 st 8 ib whuch would do, ideally 11 st 3 lb. Sometimes I think additional muscle mass at a hgher density is partly to blame for the eight but even so I can pich more than an inch so need to sort things out. Granted Xmas is coming but usually do not go wild so the damage ma be reduced. The pilates did thin the muscles and the running does not. Lets move on.
It has always been a mild source of regret if not concern that the technical quality of the pics is not better. Blame it on the flash, not ideal lens, iffy focussung but there are very few really spot on pics which are sharp and crisp. The 50 mm prime lens produced a better image but requires greater distance and has not really be overly used. The flash is past its best. A new flash would cost say £250 which if it would work I would pay. Not happy with the lens flare either. Do have 2 proper flash units and stands but need time and space to set them up. The post pic photoshop work is better than it was but not ideal either. This needs getting in perspective, the pics are still technically pretty good compared to a lot on Flickr so its a relative issue but still one would like to solve. In the past when J and K went away on holidays had the luxury of a weekend or even week to set up a proper set and try to maximise the quality of the pics. They were happy days, its was so easy to get a real buzz out of the pics, now so much has been already done that to an extent it is not surprising that not publishing as much.

Saturday, 3 December 2016


Been looking at the Summer 2016 pics today and the thing that struck me was loneliness. Brighton must be a fantastic place to be with money and someone else the number of things and places and bars and restaurants you can go to  is incredible. Yesyou can do these alone but it totall lacks somthing and I would rather not. Its been a bad year for the gurl, not enough dressing, not enough pics, no support group all in all its not good. Overlayed on that is the thyroid which has caused weight gain and lethargy so opportunities to dress are not taken up. I could be as much as 12 st 5 lb but while do not look it there are still issues with clothes. Hopefully this will be temporary as when things improve can lose a bit of weight and do more exercise.
Would like a bullet bra, its still on the list of to do. Have a white blouse for the policewoman shoot so could potentially do it anything, there is also the Action girl look shall we say Lara Croft, issues with foot wear but even so. The second flash unit was successfully liberated but I have yet to use it in anger, or the first one for that matter.
Then there is Spring 2017. Would like Brighton but lots of stuff there and Manchester has a couple of very nice options.  Need to book that up and get train tickets. There is also the matter of the Christmas card but that is very up in the air for the moment.
Do not expect to get a New Years Eve dressed. Gosh this seems so negative which is not what I intended. Need to be more positive in 2017. More can be done.

Tuesday, 22 November 2016

Gas, Gas, Gas

Managed to do some dressing today. Granted no makeup but pics if slightly fetishy! Interestingly after the pics and all had been packed away put on a wig and some leggings and heels for a few minutes. There she was just there. The girl just popped out and it was rather relaxing and nice. Half way through one of the cats made noises from the liiter tray which sounded like someone coning in which reminded me whu dressing at home is so stressful. There was half a plan to reallu go for it and possibly even do the Xmas card pic. This didnot happen, again, again. Next friday week there may well be another chance lets see. There's a bad minute when you look at yourself in the mirror with the corrective glasses on and its not good. Then you get over it and you are good to go.
Sadly I am 12st 2 lb ish. Not done much pilates either. The body does not look good but still not too bad. Not sure how much can be laid at the door of the thyroid but am going to try to cut down if that is possible. In theory should be losing weight but that is not happening at all. Its not been a good year for the girl at all, again Summer 2016 pused to remember anything big which is wrong as big things did happen, going to London for example. Unless K is working New years Eve may well have to admit will not be dressed that evening. Will do a proper roundup of things closer to the time but its not going to be a golden year.

Sunday, 30 October 2016

Remimberance Bump

Even now at 50 plus there are still non sexual things which have a slightly erotic charge, not I hasten to say , in a fetisthistic way. Primarily in them is old railway carriage, this is an easy one. Back in the very late 1970's or even as late as 1981 Mayfair had a photspread of a woman in Victorian clothing stripping off in a Victorian, posibly, train. It was the Xmas issue where they would push the bost out a bit and there would typically be one such set of time past set in appropiate surroundings which must have been quite expensive but then Mayfair did attempt to go for the executive look.  The girls were always secretaries, dental assistants or vets assistants. The pics were reasonably nicely done and there would be beaches and air stewardesses. Provided you could buy into porn being acceptable, and I did and still do, then it pretty well worked. The girls were always, "nice" the stories not especially explicit and the adverts surprisingly upmarket, the Commodore C64 was in one year!
Razle started to appear in the middle 1980's and was very down market but even this now has a certain charm I suppsoe. Several years ago stubled across a site where someone had scanned in a surprisingly large number of top shelf magazines from the 70's and ealy 1980's. It was like steping back in time and I am not sure what lessons can be gleaned from them. The point here is to what extent the female me has had her psyche moulded by these pics, if at all. So the pics of me in stockings and suspenders etc may well have some slight resonances to a dental hygenist from Epsom who is happiest with her great Dane.
I was watching a DVD of Bulman, 1985, detective show, meant for 9 pm, mild peril. Well a section was set in a strip club. The Sweeney would probably have had a stripper showing her breasts, Minder certainly did, but there was not, the stripper showed very little skin. However at the end of scene for no plot related reason the woman Bulman is talking to takes off her gown and shows her breasts for several seconds and then walks out, its for comic effect as a punch line to a joke. It was unnecessary and I felt mildly unconfortable with it.
There was a photoset of a nice blond in an Andy Pandy type jump suit with a zio which went to the crotch, which set my nerves jangling. Sheena Easton in the videl 9 to 5 wears such a jump suit. When at day 2, possibly at Sussex getting my paperwork and grand sorted, loads of standing around in queues there was an admin woman who wore a jumpsuit and stilletoes. ITs a great look in my opinion and I was left thinking I was along way from Kansas Toto. Certainly Sunderland did not have women wearing such things.

Sunday, 23 October 2016

Feeling A Little Better

In theory today and yesterday was going to be a dressing fest. However went to Newcastle on saturday and to be fair got some stockings, wetlook gloves, black lipstick and fake blood. The last 2 were for a Hallowean set I had hopes for. Saturday I was in bed by 9. Sunday, woke up cold and ended up putting the radiators on for an hour. Did a bit of dressing and it became apparent makeup would be required so put some on quickly. Then some pics were required and so ended up using the fake bllod which went all over the place and took some time to wash out and the black lipstick. Pleasantly surprised by the stretchy LBD which is as well as the focus was off on some. Had intended to use the proper flash units but didnot set them up, they need a bit of space. So, on the whole, feel better. It was not such a batlle today as set the sights reasonably low but still its a traumatic visit to the core of my ego. The Ann Summers holdups kept falling down. In theory would get a new camera or atleast a new flash but will wait on that one. Part of the problem is that donot really have much nw looks to do so it is a bit of a repeat. The batteries started to fail but the fake blood would have made changing them too much work so stayed with them. Not ideal but OK.
There was the possibility of going down to Manchester sometime and meeting a Tgurl and her boyfriend for some pics sometime. It might still happen but there is a sense it equally might not so we shall se on that one.Autumn 2016 will not happen, neither did Autumn 2015. Might get a couple of days dressing in though probably not. Still to do the police/SWAT look but got the euipment now, ideally a bullet belt too but it would have to be the right price.

Saturday, 8 October 2016

Footprint In The Sand

A coupleof days ago I was stopping at a rounda abour at my home town and I looked up and realising where I was thought "There used to be a Tgirl shop or something around here." Well possibly. In summer/autumn 2007 what with the girl suddenly emerging I started looking on the Interne for resources. It was my second trip to Lacies during the holiday where I bought a wig, hair was too long but colour was OK and it was totally necessary for the look. Without the wig the effectis so much lesshave mentioned this before. I can remember looking down and seeing shoes with stiletto heels, really wanted to buy them but foolishly reckoned could not afford them, even though had a credit card. This mistake I was to deeply regret for several months wearing flat male shoes which just might look femme or no shoes at all with the "bridal" white stockings from the wire bin in the shop. Coming back from Brighton on the pack there was a bustier, white stockings, a black mini skirt, some makeup "I can do you a makeup kit for £25" and the wig.
The Internet on a single site which looked handcoded on Notepad, had a reference to a shop in my home town, several times from a public phone box selected for maximun seclusion I tried the number. Each time with no success. Finally one time I got through and got a womans voice "ehh that shop has not been here for years." And there you have it. Then there were so few resources and so hardly known so it ia not surprising that info was out of date.  I was at a Trans party where someone mentioned a Trans shop which closed down and used to be there but was only really known by word of mouth. Suppose you need a sufficiently large population of people to keep resources going, as well as the place getting word of mouth passed around knowledge, especially preinternet. Tranny party I knew about from a small A5booklet which you could pickup from certain pubs in Brighton. I could have gone to T T party a year earlieror even Lacies a year earlier. Cetainly knew they were there and was tempted.
There was also a mention of a dressing service in Darlington. again acted as if in Soviet Bloc country and phoned up. When got through guy outlined the dressing and said "would you be wanting any other services?" It was slightly too far and that rather put me off. May have been no worse than the place at Brighton by the church but that had a website and was reccommnded. 
Once there used to be sex workers cards in phoneboxes with "imaaginitive" pics. They have gone which is probably fair as it was literally in your face and young people could see them.
Once the girl was clearly here to stay spent forever on the Internet to try to get a handle on things. To an extent ended up putting my life on hold while changed direction. How much harder would things have been if the Internet had not been there? Exchange and Mart and "Transformations, oh dear, notgood at all.

Saturday, 1 October 2016

The Girl Nods In

Last wednesday I was at work, after lunch not really thinking about anything, glasses off. Then a girl walks out of the room with black leggings on , which she should NOT be wearing. The point is even though the girl was wildly different from me I really yearned to wear leggings and flat shoes. The strength of this emotion lasted several minutes and caught me completely by surprise.
Mat be dressing tomorrow and pics, be nice.

Tuesday, 27 September 2016

False Start

Found on a CD from 2002 a folder of pics of me from 2002 What is interesting is its from my "working through" period so there are pics of me unclothed, even some of me wearing stockings, suspenders and sort of heels. The pics were taken with a compact digital camera of reasonable quality but underexposed and out of focus, not badly but bad enough. The first thing to say is I was 12 st 3/4 and it sort of shows, the second thing is body hair, I had forgotten how much body hair I had, its in a rather lovely auburn colour mostly so its not all bad but even so the body looked wrong. The skin looked better it has to be said and the face younger and the hair solid auburn. I was not and even now do not really know the motivation behind these pics but the more Trans ones are interesting. If it had started in 2002/3 say was already spending time in Brighton, well it could have been rather better. Could have found Lacies on the Internet, possibly Doreens in London, then well things could hav started earlier. Certainly knew about "Tranny party" and Lacies in 2006 and nearly went then. Possibly even 2005.
Thinking about where stayed this year during the summer. If was less tired and more brave there could have been some very good pics taken.  As it was it had a certain Amytville element to it!

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Here To Stay

Posted comment which thought was genuinely valid and got quite a nasty response on Flickr. Of course thats the problem with the Internet you are dealing with a wide variety of people with different values and opinions. Still slightly unsettling. Lets move on.
What I did notice about the Flickr pic stream is that how old a lot of them are, they are good pics, quality clothing and poses all together a nice solid pics. What is surprising is that they are of the quality they are so soon after starting so by 2010 2-3 years into the project the makeup is decent, the wig fine and the technical quality of the pics acceptable.Just checked the external HDD by end of 2008 producing acceptable pics. So in 2007 it was Lacies in Feb 2008 The Boudoir. There were 2 visits to Doreens and several visits to the Boudoir. So by 2009 it was Transister. That would be Clare Project too. Actually out of the door in day time would be 2012. The point here is that the girl is coming up to being 10, there used to be a concern that this aspect of my life or psyche would wither away with time, well clearly that was not the case.

Friday, 23 September 2016

Bit Of Filler

Managed a bit of dressing last sunday and some, not many pics. Used the new wig which was a significant success, its lighter in weight and a bit tight at the moment but that will pass. Very pleasantly surprised by it must say. The pics were OK but still need to lose abit of weight, say half a stone ideally. It may be due to the thyroid but I suspect not. There was the usual battleabout finding stockings and panties and it was a bit of a compromise but it seems I never learn. Got a bit further with the SWAT routine, sadly the helmet arrived a day later but even so learned a lot for the real shoot when it finally happens. Ideally like a bullet belt but that seems a bit too expensive for the moment.  There has been precious little dressing since Xmas and it does hurt a bit. The holidays do help and I am wondering about autumn 2016. probably Manchester but tempted by Leeds.
Looking back at Brighton 2016 I am pushed to remember any standout moments, not sure why and will be revisiting it for I am sure they are there. I had damped down expectations so not really surprised.

Tuesday, 13 September 2016

Summer 2016 Another Peek Under The Lid

Well where are we? There was a general plan to do a lot of pics etc last week but felt slightly ill and very busy at work. As it is the new wig remains to be road tested.  The plan is sunday now the GNR is done and dusted.
Not quite sure what to say about summer 2016. The walk pics were very good better than expected. Seemed to be better at getting ready now, quicker. The day in London was  nice but again nothing really stands out as have progressed so much. The contact lenses were a pain but going to have to suck up that one. Again finding things in the bag was a challenge. However so much did work it has to be said.
Was out so much of the time too. It would have been nice to do some bikini shots and so nearly did. It was nice to socialise as well. Arun was probably optimistic, would have liked to do The Emporium and Lewes and Ghost Walks but they are small things really. The feet and knees were much better, managed the tan good too. Need to return to this one but it was a result at the end of the day.

Thursday, 1 September 2016

Summer 2016 First Thoughts

Lets try a first pass at Summer 2016. Well a day in London; tubes, British Museum,coffe shop, The Boudoir, that aoo worked. Granted issue finding places but thats how it goes. Then Brighton. Out dressed 6 days, a MAC makeover, a new wig, an evening with Stella and the couple was nice. Thats it, the walking into Legends and going to the bar, girl waiting for someone, Whitewine spritzer please. Easy so easy. The walk, alfesco pics, gosh an awful lot did work thinking about it. No massive kick but some very good moments it has to be said. The contact lenses were annoying, footware was better but still not ideal, sandals possibly next time. With a bit more work a bikini on the beach pic might have even been possible. As it was changing in The Wick was fun. Would have been nice to do some time in heels but thats a small thing. Another go at some cooridor pics would be nice. The Madhatter cafe worked, couple of times thought makeup had degraded too much but out all day. It was very hot and coped well. Some new clothes, not leggings would help too. Maxi dress even. No run male or female but thats not a surprise.

Monday, 22 August 2016

Nodding In

It is monday night. I have been out dressed thursday, saturday, sunday and today. Thats verybgood going. There is a concern about whether I should be touching up my makeup more often and the state of the wig but mentally its all good. Starting to feel very natural doing it. True putting the makeup on is still a pain and the eyes water after a time but its very therapeutic.  The feet feel it sadly, slight sunburn on the upper foot. Got a MAC makeover on friday which should be interesting. Also a Trendco appointment after that we shall see. Happy to go to £100 for a new wig but not more. It could work really well and hope it does but going to have to be careful. 
There is no desire to dress 100% of the time but certainly muvh more. Got sired a couple of times, not badly meant but could do without it. Still hoping to do some pics in th corridor but get tired on evenings. The thyroid is still making its presence feltwhich is a shame.

Friday, 19 August 2016

Going Down To London

It is friday night and I am esconsounced at the University of Sussex. Yesterday I spent all day dressed, went up to London and had a 2 hour makeover and travelled on tubes and trains, had coffee, went into shops and it all worked. Granted my eyes watered with the contact lenses, the feet and knees got sore but thats a small thing. Went to the British Museum too. So it was a total success, err no.  The lips were over done and there was a slight drag look about it all, not a lot and nobody was nasty and I am OK with it all but it was there. The girl done well. Got tired or would have tried for a show. The makeover was valuable as clearly been too heavy with liquid foundation and the powder. The main problem is I can put the makeup on in say 20 mins to half an hour but to get the best you need to spend lets say 45 mins. Thats too long really for day to day working week gurls. Then there was the psychological value to it all. 
Felt too tired today to put slap on, sounds a bit of an excuse but probably true. Will be out scaring the horses all day tomorrow. 

Monday, 15 August 2016

Getting Ready

It is monday early evening and I have spent a productive, if slightly worrying, day clearing the room and starting the packing for Brighton. Mildly surprised how much clothing went in the last tidyup. Nothing really significant went it had to be said. So now got leggings and longtops and 2 pairs of  flats. Also some running kit, activewear and lingerie, yeah right. Two clearbags worth. There will be a pair of heels but probably not for outdoors, the FatFace bag but cannot find small purse. Going to Newcastle tomorrow and will try to find another one. Feeling crushed by the whole business, not sure why, probably thyroid.  The bulk of it has been done, a bit of running around and its sorted.  Be nice to do a MAC makeover will pursue that one toorrow. Worried about the wig, could do with another one but will see how it looks tomorrow. Once on the train will feel fine, certain of that just getting there.
Lets be positive, there will be;
shopping at Sainsburys,
hot chocolate in The Emporium
ANZAC biscuit in the Australian coffee shop St James
a drink in The Signalman
a drink in thr Hand in Hand
a drink on the veranda at Legends,
Brighton Museum
Hove Museum
Hove Library
She Said,
a run along the Undercliffe Way,
the Orangehouse, sadly,
coffee at the Red Roaster
a drink at the steam ship pub at Trafalger road
Eaton Nott

There will very probably be other things which pop up. The worry is forgetting to bring an important something. A day in London dressed will be fun too. So it appears 6 days dressed, not enough but there you go. 

Thursday, 11 August 2016

Did Not See That One Coming

I was thinking about a MAC makeover and it might et happen but was on Facebook and saw a 2 hour makeover and pics at a dressing service I used to go to for £100. Hmm'ed and harr'ed a bit and then sent a message. Its the thursday will be in London, got plans for morning so went for late afternoon. When started off this dressing service was very important, not totally sure it was the right dressing service on reflection or at least I should have moved on before I actually did but its easy to be an expert after the event. It was my first time out dressed not in Brighton, the plan was to get a taxi there and at the end change to male clothes which I did, so really probably was only out dressed for 45 mins but it was so terribly important then. Prepared to drop £100 for old times sake and suppose only really taking a £50 hit. It should be interesting, will ask about a place to go for the evening, ideally a burlesque show. The doornwitht he intercom , pressing the button and going up the stairs then the quiet corridors, the open door. Then inside, the 2 changing room cubicles on the right, then in. Kitchen and shower/toilet on left, sitting area with table then makeup mirror and chair, nail area and then the arch window you would sit in for pics, moving on racks of clothing, an office area. A big long mirror to look at yourself. Polystyrene heads with wigs on. It was 4 hours which I completely looked forward to. Cup half empty;not so sure about some of the outfits, there was a sense of control and a clinical atmosphere and no proper pics taken. Still we are where we are and we are the sum of all those steps, right and less right.


Saturday, 6 August 2016

Just lookingIn

Its Brighton pride today, still rankles how I didnot make the most of TransPride 2015, well next year possibly! The weigth may be down to 12st with a bit of luck, might get a bit more off, possibly. The thyroid seems to be dragging everthing down, includin gthe desire to dress though really do feel the need to do so very soon. Managed a very quick sessio no makeup or stockings with the police vest and hat, bit of work needed but shows promise. beginning to look forward to Brighton now, need it. Da in london would be nice too, possibly even a rehash of What Katie Did but thats not certain. Sweet Wednesdays is an option worth considering but it will involve stashing the pack somewhere.
If I were staying in Brighton could dress up a bit on the evenings and avoid the bendy bus which is even further away this time. Shared shower not ideal either.

Wednesday, 27 July 2016

Just A Quick One

There has been no reply to the emails regarding pics so that is probably off. The plan now is to spend a day in London, the British Museum then nor sure what. That is good enough and should work. Need some time off badly I must admit so very much counting down the days, but the work required is putting me off slightly. Really need a new wig and to sort out the state of play with the wigs.  Also currenlt say 12 st 4 which is not good. It would be exceedingly optomistic to say that the diet had started, made some slight attempts but not much. Possibly its too early in the treatment of thethyroid to say but I look down and its not good, have not been this weight for over 6 years and its not good.Its just very bad timing all round. Unlikely to be in a bikini on Brighton beach, full swimsuit possibly! Al fresco pics are still a possibility. Ideally get a new camera but thats unlikely really.

Tuesday, 19 July 2016

Flash, Bang Wallop.

Saw an advert mentioning Trans Pride Brighton 2016. To be honest when last year made a big push to get holidays off and go to the weekend, it was underwhelming. Granted the picnic on the beach on sunday was rained off, and how. The disco on the evening a the same place as Transister had a certain value as a historical reminder but it was the march and the main event which was most disappointing. Did not know really what to expect and did not know anyone. Wandered around the stalls and returned slightly later for the music briefly. Not sure how could have cracked that nut but when I found that would miss this years event was not too sad. Gay Pride Brighton the week after was like Mardi Gras but again sensed being by myself was not good. Both events seemed to be a more yoing persons event and a trifle cliquey. I imagine for less socially condfident both events were very valuable but perhaps like the original Transister event I should have made more effort to socialise or find people to go with. Perhaps I am just getting old and grumpy!
Yesterday booked 2 nights at East Croydon Preier Inn. Came close to 3 nights but would have cost £200 which felt too much. As it was came to all in say, £130. Sent Flickrmail to se if pics can be taken. Whilst there are good fun reasons to spend 2 nights in East Croydon, not least of which was the thought of being spared a horrible long journey down, should be able to do it in 40 mins now. None the less there is a sense I am paying rather a lot of money for getting some pics taken.  This is not true but it does linger.
The whole holiday feels distinctly underwhelming still. Only 1 half day of term left, result, but the whole thing feels flat. Then 3 weeks of non term time and off for 2 weeks, need it badly.

Sunday, 3 July 2016

Good Enough I Suppose

Yesterday lying in new sleeping bag did the daily check on Booking.com for accommodation in Brighton. Last room in Gullivers, £500. Hummed and harred but with no fee cancellation pressed the button. Then no sense of elation or relief. Few hours later still the same. Put in an application for 8 days at the Park houses in Sussex. There is the photographer thing swirling about which may or may not happen but there is a sort of fugue about the whole business. Want  aholiday and have some money saved up  but its not enough for a really good room in Brighton, would need say £700 plus. And there you have it really. What with the thyroid do not feel up to dropping so much on a holiday this year and certainly not for Brighton. If Swanborough  had been possible it would have been so much easier or perhaps it would have dredged up other issues. So if Sussex say yes will cancel Gullivers, if they say no, well we will have to think.
Its all a battle, packing the pack, carrying it, changing trains, feel tired. However the girl is really crying out for some quality time and she deserves it. The university has a canteen, sorry refrectory which really helps. Could do without the whole student thing and some bad memories there. The bottom line is really should have moved on and if had a better salary would have. Swanborough and, lets be honest Pheonix, would be good enough and Pheonix was, good enough but could not go to that laundry room again.

Sunday, 19 June 2016

What The Doctor Ordered

Last night out of nowhere it became apparent I would get a solid dressing opportunity today. Started at 10.05, showered and did a mass deforestation of hair which made me feel better. What with one thing and another only really got in front of the camera by 12.15.  It was the nurses uniforms and at 1 45 accidently pressed the wrong button on the Intervalometer so it would have taken too much work to set it again and called it a day. The pics are surprisingly good, impressedwith the wig and exposure but the face looks old and the extra weight shows. However have new pics to post so its all good. There might be an opportunity on tuesday to do more, we shall see.
The holiday rumbles on, the gurl really needs it but its been complicated by the first choice room not being available. No en suite shower and toilet is it a compromise too far?If not would be able to stay for more days but not in Brighton and do enjoy wandering about at night in Brighton. Yet the cost of a really nice place would be significantly more and a shorter stay. Would really like a day in London, do What Katie Did etc.
The dressing, as ever, calmed me down. If I was not to transition or even go full time it would be nice to dress more often. It may even be psychologically necessary for my wellbeing. Scary stuff but possibly true.

Saturday, 4 June 2016

Quick In and Out

Managed a quick bitof dressing, no makeup or contact lenses but even so. The plan was to see how the nurses stuff looked with a possible set of pics tomorrow Yes well. That actually went surprisingly well and had a play with the Honour bodysuit Makeup does make such a difference and stopped too early but even so it did seem to make me feel better Whether tomorrow happens remains to be seen. There is stuff in bags and boxes allaround so getting a look together is a bit of a battle and tires you out There you have it really.  If I had a boudoir, makeup mirror, walk in wardrobe it would be so easy and calm, also if just left to myself it would reduce so much grief and stress.
In a hotel roo it is the bahroom, water on the floor, noise from fluorescent lights, not ideal smells, possibly not a good mirror too. Then tiding up before the hote staff come in it s a miracle I ever get out at all!
Going to get contact lens checkup today. If not for the gurl would not have used them but there we are. Suppose that is a good thing. The burlesque dancedid not happen sadly, £15 on a feather boa hopefully useful for later.When I started I looked surprisingly young, not really so much now sadly.  I have put weight on, definitely can pinch an inch at the sides, need to get rid of it Am doing more running again so that should help.

Wednesday, 25 May 2016

Nothing Really To Report

It is nearly the end of May and there has been no dressing of note for some time. It is very psychologically stressful to dress at home, not quite sure when that started but it is. There are also very clear psychological benefits so it is a good thing to do. I am beginning to suspect that the Support Group just being dressed was of more value than I realised at the time.
There was a vague nebulous idea of spending a few days away, even dressing away, this now seems unlikely.
When I get back to work goingtohave to sort out holidays. Then can book a holiday away. Yes probably Brighton.

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Well That Was Not Bad At All

Managed to finally do some pics and actually dress. The makeup went on quite quickly and easily, managed to find most of the clothes I was looking for and stopped at a time whick felt right. So all in all it went as well as can be expected. A first look at the pics and enough were OK. Need to really dress more it does calm me down. Been a few twinges with women wearing flats. If I had the time and space I could get proper backgrounds and up the quality of the pics, add a second flash unit and the pics would be better.
Starting to think about the holidays. The thyroid sadly came too late for ideal left alone for 3 weeks but even so it should be enough. The holiday is not going to be during Transpride Brighton, which I am curiously unworried about as last year it was well, underwealming, not sure what I expected but possibly the picnic on the beach would have been fun if  it had not been terrential rain. The return visit to the Transister venue was interesting but while it did emphasise how far I had travelled it also showed how far yet to go too.

Saturday, 2 April 2016

Pilates result

Shaved my legs today, feel it even now, lovely. The point is for the last 2 weeks I have been doing a lot of pilates leg work mostly and after the deforestation looked in the mirror and saw that it was good. Not a massive difference but ertainly more toned and a better look. We shall have to see whether it continues.  The abdomen looks better too, sadly there is still weight to lose but that may have to wait till the thyroid is resolved. All in allits good news. Soon will  be wearing shorst running so will get a slight tan too which will help. If the neice does goes sunday after next then there might, just might, be the possibility of some new pics. Came within a whisker of liberating the other flash yesterday, might yet happen. Be good to just dress yet alone really go for it.
Put in a bid for some stripper sandals from A~~~~~~ studio which got trashed by the flood. Would have liked the white booties which a rather wonderful gurl wore for some pics which left quite an impression but where probably too small. Where they would be sent to if I were to win then is anybodies quess but even so its an idea.
Moving on there is the question regarding holiday 2016. I keep going back to the bendy bus going back to Falmer, not uncomfortable but even so something awry.  Its cheap and cheerful, there is the walk a lot does still work. Its a tricky one.

Friday, 25 March 2016

Trying Ones Best

OK lets take a load of pics, dressed, say 200plus, out of that number ignoring duplicates, technically unacceptable pics and ones with clothes or wig out of place there are  a worrying few. These pics taken wehn dashing in heels to pose or when counted number of shots wrong can show a not very flattering image which is unmistakably masculine. So side on my ribcage is too large or my chin ios too big or hands too large, well these pics will never make it to Photoshop.
Last summer tried twice to run dressed, the first time was dreadful, wig lets not go there, makeup a mess, sports top didnot contain the breast forms. Thesecond time learnt from these mistakes. Then when on SDW a woman looking for her mobile phone saw me in the distance and said I was a man. The ultimate point is even if I got a voice spot on, smaller hands and lost 8 inchs off my height I would still not pass. Not that ultimately that matters. This line of thought was started by seeing a gurl who I admire and who has done more than most to be feminine in a picture doing a run it was not close up and the big shoulders showed, it was a it depressing  but we do our best. We do not pass but we try our best.

Sunday, 20 March 2016

New Pics but old issues

Managed some pics today, not sure how long I would have and that took the shine off it. All in all it was a very stressful event and the pics initially looked OK. Bit of lens flare but OK. Sadly after converting them to .DNG and more examination they were a mix of out of focus and over exposed. Will be able to salvage some but yet again creeping disappointment again. The lens flare not sure why that happens  it just seemed to appear several years ago. The focus issue comes and goes. The main problem is I need time to resolve these issues and get the new flash up and running consistantly. The second issue is the closeness and the area of the space where I can take pics. If I know I have time then can put up the parachute material and bounce flash. I could get a proper frame and background for about £30 to £40 and if was alone or had a whole week would try it. Having said all that the pics can be technically quite good sometimes just not enough.
The eyes look old and the mouth creases too, its all so very frustrating. Suppose in a way do feel better but yes well know where that one goes.
The new red Katmandu corset worked well and 26 inch was pretty well spot on, take that grumpy grey haired woman shop assistant. Was it worth £40, well possibly but do need to try the other corset too.

Sunday, 13 March 2016

Back Again

Well the pic fest did not happen, again, again. Before I went to Manchester on the saturday hjitKatmandu, been told they were closing down. Scored 2 half price corsets, £40. One is a proper corset and the other wil be fine for pics, ideally would have gone a size up but will do for picsand possibly giving the piercer one. Some bizarre idea of a burlesque act which the pseudo corset will do fine for.  Also got an active wear top and leggings which need trying on properly. To complete this got a £27 MAC foundation brush. Not totally sure why. Also have 2 American Apparel leotards on the way from Ebay, £20. Then again there is a MTP tank boiler suit which may be useful for pics.
There is a sense that not getting the time to dress and when do do not.  Lets blame the thyroid.  If it does get nuked half wondering about a few days away, if can afford it.

Friday, 26 February 2016

Well that went well

It isfriday night and I have been back 2 days. went away sunday and back wednesday. Manchester isindeed a nice distance away, not too far for it to be an awful journey and some nice scenaery toboot on the journey. Think we will pass over carrying too much as it appeared I did not but lets have a first post match interview. It feels good, surprisingly good.  I had probably wisely dampened down expectations but it exceeded them. The jeggings did the trick and the boots were very good, granted toes a bit off but not too much. Again, ideally the Goretex would hav ebeen replaced for something else and this remains an ongoing issue. Then there is the issue of the voice, I do try but really need to bite the bullet and DO SOMETHING about it. Shaving was a pain especially as the shaver chose that minute to die, makeup seemed to be OK if a bit much powder. Still not geting out till 10.10.15 which is not ideal really. It all went well, there was no major staring or Starbucks moments, OK got "mated" but that I prefer to believe was not badly meant. Food went well, cut down on the drink which was good. Slept better, it was a good quiet room. The knees were fine.
Now to the meat. The gurl was just there, simple as that. Put the maekup on, put the clothes on, packed the bag and bang do it. No doubt, no fear it was just there. Granted the contact lenses make everything so much more immediate and the thyroid makes me anxious but there were times, sitting in Starbucks with a coffee, walking back to the room with bags when it just WAS. Partly  I was a gurl with a plan, a Pevsner in the bag and a license to shoot pics so I was on the go or at least when I wanted to be.  The new phone with Internet and camera helped too. On the last day had a "oh no tomorrow back to normal moment" which was a shock.  The lingerie pics in the room went well, surprisingly well. Everybody was so polite, I smiled more and I prefer to believe, was a nicer person. Possibly more approciable. May have been people over compensating but even so. The train journeys were just train journeys, last time Liverpool was the moonshot, not now. It would have been nice to have met someone and chatted but that did not happen, sadly. Could hav ehandled another day but there we are.  There is a possibility of being off for a few weeks in a couple of months, may be something there to investigate.

Saturday, 13 February 2016

Nearly In The Field

Every so often someting catches you up short.  Earlier today I happened on an animation of  male to female esx change operation, initially it was a bit "cross your legs time" but there was a bit where the groin looked female and I went "yes , thats for me" and was shocked how much I would be happy to lose my dangly bits. It did not feel a loss at all, odd really.
I just over a weks time I shall be in Manchester. The expectation is 2 days dressing and being out there. Sadly there will be no Imageworks which burns, but there should be lots of good stuff.  Ideally I would find a new coat and top but that is now unlikely, a fleece would probably do though would like a trench coat. Concerned about keeping warm and the knees. Also the wig. Go witht he thermal leggings and the boots, socks and some type of insole. Sadly no dress or skirt really expected. May take some lingerie for the room and possiblya meet but thats unlikely to put it politely.
Remember whe coming back from Brighton in probably 2012 first class seat, thinking wow things have changed and wondering how things would be now as I had been out dressed every day for over a week, well not much is the answer. OK possibly thats a bit harsh as I can now say going out in Manchester without a second though, well not much of a thought. There will be a battle to get ready and out in the morning, looking for clothes, cosmetics etc, bath bombs, rubbish on tele, train  journeys and hopefully not bladder issues or hangovers or unpleasantness at Manchester stations or Starbucks. Sadly there is unlikely to be meetimg other gurls, buying clothes or much chatting. Still once Brighton was a big thing dressing on the evening eating cheese, smoked Bavarian, and pasta and a having a bottle of wine. Not passing the door.
If I am being kind would say its the thyroid knocking things down but that may be simplistic. There is the possibility of something on Mothers day which would be good, possibly do a belated new Years Eve.

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Actually Dressed!

Well the day alone has fianlly arrived and I am finally dressed.  Its 16;44 there will beno pics or makeup. However it is totally working, not the cold watr on stomach feeling but something pretty good. The boots are not too bad and should hopefully stetch, found a rather impressive bra too.Completely covers the breast forms so a result.  Earlier today I had a bath and removed rather a lot of body hair Especialy the arms and hands, left enough toshow but quite abit went. The cold is still there but do feel Manchestr could go rather well now. There are rather too many resonances shall we say to waking up in Liverpool to allow that but possibly next time if the right accommodation can be found. Each time I wonder where I am I dress and it feels natural, not sure where we are. The thyroid is clouding a lot. In April may see whether laser can do anthing but suspect its too late for me. Should have looked into it earlier.  Its the lift, the mirrors to give illusion of greater size you look at yourself, the skin is not good. Still we shall see.

Saturday, 30 January 2016

Storm Warning

Well J has definately broken up with ther boyfriend  This is bad news all round, especially for her but the girl now cannot rely on a few night s a week free or the posiblility of the odd weekend. March will not happen. To compound this K is away at Uni (as they say) so no escape there either. Granted the thyroid sems to have knocked the girl back a bit but even so it starts to feel like a much dryer place. This is not good. Started the year with a bad New Years Eve, really looking forward to it and it had almost become a tradition.
There was also a sense of where I am going with being Trans, OK accepted it, go out on the holidays but also the slight sense its not as big as used to be. Well possibly, lets see what Manchester does and delivers. There is a voice app need to take a look at. It is not guaranteed summer 2016 will be Brighton. Once the thyroid is sorted things will be clearer. On the plus sid the weight is probably just below 12 st so that is something!

Tuesday, 26 January 2016

Well Its A Go, Sortish

Well Spring 2016 has been booked. Sunday to wednesday two effective days. Sadly the cost of a wednesday would have put the cost too high. No dressing service, no longer there, feel bad about that. Its rather taken the wind out of my sails. Two days of going out dressed, probably Manchester and Liverpool. Possibly even Sunday night but thats less certain. Three days wouldhav ebeen nier but a certain sense that not upto it. The thought ofbeing in a hotel room just does not excite me, curiosly being in Brighton does. Manchester just doesnot really do it for me. Canal street well not a big thing in my one experience. Possibly if hadsorted things out earlier might have got 4 days. Not extatic about the train either. Brighton would have been just too far. Itsbeen a poor time for the girl recently starting with a very limited Xmas, Nw Years Eve was a wash out. Sadly it looks as if there is going to be more of that. Ned a new coat ideally, sense of museums coming into my mind. Be nice to see the Williamson tunnels, The Palm House, The Philarmonic. Worried about the time spent getting ready to go out, that puts a cramp on things. Could do with a new wig, yes well.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

Pevsner On Standby

Managed to dress for a few hours on thursday night, no makeup or pics but was surprisingly happy on friday. May or may not be connected.
After a false start managed to get holidays approved. Finally decided to go to dressing service. Really perked me up must say. Then a little bit of Googling found the bad nes it had been almost literally washed away and would not be restarting, gutted.  Should have gone in Nov when had chance. Feel sorry for girl who ran it, wonder what she will do next.  So there is still the week off, probably down to manchester on sunday, back thursday, so thats £200 for accommodation. What to do? Well go out dressed, say Liverpool one day last go at Palm House, a day in Manchester but that is less certain then some time in Preston but, again nothing is definite. Toyed with staying in Liverpool but thats not really a good idea. Need to sort out shoes, possibly boots, not sure about coat, probably white cagoule again. Will do an entry on the dressing service later sad business.

Saturday, 2 January 2016

Not A Great Start To The Year

Well New Years Eve didnot happen, surprisingly badly gutted by it. Very surprised by how badly annoyed by it I was. However lets move on to 2016. With a bit of luck there will be a chance to dress in about 3 weeks time, with an interesting possibility in early March, if it still happens. To be honest really could do with a chance to dress.  Sorted out storage, well sort of and need to spend some time putting things into the proper boxes as I can now do. There may be the option of even using a small room as a studio, suspect it will be too small but its possible and certainly would be very useful.
Going to have a holiday in February which will involve dressing, probably Manchester, perhaps even Alison. Perhaps not. Need to see where the finances are.
The thyroid has put any thoughts of hormones on hold. Well that had probably gone anyway but even so. There has been reoorts on the Internet about a minor celebrity detransitioning. I suspect the problem, not in this case necessarily, is people are binary about Trans, its either all or nothing. Whereas it is a sliding scale where all positions are valid. Personally I would like to go full time but coild probably go with being femme rather a lot more than I am at the moment. Possibly but I do get the sense of time and the opportunity slipping through my fingers somehow. After all still have not started work on the voice.