Logging the hours

Been a relatively dry spell for Paige.  Nothing over the weekend and support group not on.  Only found out when got there so had a large white wine at Wetherspoons, a small white wine at Fitzgeralds and 3 single gins at home.  Say 7 units.  Bit worrying really do need to curb it.  Weight is off too.  The diet is just not happening at all.  Thats not good either.  There is some sign of growth with the breasts again.  Quite pleased with that but still no idea wher going with it.  Tonight was messy, didnot settle, stopped pilates early, everything was slightly off.  Then did a bit of qick dressing.  Had a warm sensation on stomach.  When first started would get like a cold water feeling in stomach which was nice and meant something important.  Have difficultyt remembering those early days with no heels or proper breast forms, too long wig.  Makeup skills not good either.  Of course the face was younger but probably weighed more then.  At the time the thought of ever going out dressede seemed impossible.  Precontact lenses too. Shaving in bath with butterball.
Tonight my hands looked old and soo big.  My back arched too much and the ribcage was too large as well.  At first it looked very bad.  Then it seemed to settle down and I looked OK.  Granted a shave and makeup would so help.  There was a sense that need to dress and do it to feel it almost.  That you needed to feel comfortable with the look, accept you will never pass but get on with it.  Need to think a bit more about that but something there definately. 

Toxocaria

One of the more interesting aspects to Paige is how she arose and developed without external prompting.  OK lets qualify that straight off.  There has been external infulences, Jodie, Alison, the Internet but as important as these were they were after the initial go for it urge.  The The second thing to say is we are 5 years down the line and its so strong today, if not more so. This suggests that it was an inherent property of me waiting in the wings.  Sadly being constrained and having to be in the shadows this causes me pain and to an extent Paige is, indirectly, a cause of some pain.  Granted there is the second arguement that if I did have a clear field how far would I take it?  It can be said that the entire history has been one of advancing forward in an exploratory mannerand the hormones are the first case where thyere has been some retreat.  The problem which may arise is that by the time I am in a position to express Paige more fully I will not be able to present my self, shall we say, to well.  Already I will never be young and dressed, no unlined face. 
Put up a short movie of me stripping out of Swiss tankers overalls.  Thought it was pure clck bait. Wrong.  Then put up a good pic of me in catsuit, done it before.  gets a more favourable response, more favorites and comments.  Most unexpected and not sure what, if anything, it means.  Bought 2 tops from Aldi, nearly bought linen trousers as well.  There is a saying "once you buy trousers you are TS not TV "  Err, possibly.
Backed up blog.  Surprisingly easy.Pics too.  It would be nice to see the first blog and possibly first Flickr stream.  Then again there was not much on the blog so may be no big loss to the world.

Keep calm and cary on

Just been backing up my Flickr account pics.  As ever the slightsense of comfort that the pics are safe for future generations!  However ignoring techinical advances in picture taking and makeup there is little to cheer.  Granted there has been a few outside pics creeping in and that the Flickr account is not the full story it is not ideal.  Not too bad but wrinkles sem to be creeping in.  The body has put on a bit of weight and is not so toned.  Not too bad but certainly not ideal.  Entropy strikes again.  Granted Flickr is not as important as it once was so the lack of pics is not so important  as it would have been in previous years.  OK its a snapshot of 4 important years but only 4 years.  Interestingly there has ben no overall message or sense coming out.  Nothing leaps to mind given such a MetSapphire archive.  No sense of failure or waste of time so thats positive.  No sense of what am I doing?  No sense of what a waste of money or its time wasted. We shall see what summer 2013 brings.  On the whole it could be worse, I wrote that on wal of the toilets in the Lands End pub in Brighton.  Probably womens toilets when dressed in february of this year.

Found the pic on the phone.  2011.Nope wasnot dressed then. Paige has only really been doing it for real for say 2 years.  Scary really.  OK other times nocturnal and brief daylight test flights.

Still on the pitch, doing the hard tackles

It is friday night.  It had been a productive day and I have had the evening to myself and wll have the rest of the night.  Little bit of camming and some, not many, new pics.  not as good as last time but still better with new flash.  sadly at 12st someting sometimes I look slightly chubby.   More worryingly I also look a bit old. No surprise there.  Its begining to feel as if I started a race late and though people will admire how much ground I have made up and my effort I will never be in the top group.  There has been so much effort too; dieting, exercise, contact lenses, MAC makeup, camera etc, a lot of research and, lets befair if slightly vain for a moment, I have made a damn good fist of it.  other girls are fatter, take worse pics, a bad with makeup and their effect is worse.  However they look young and could lap me if they put the work in.
So what am I saying, a gradual acceptance of my lot and withdraw from the game? Well only to an extent.  As long as I have good legs and am thin this girl will be out there.  There is the question of where out there is going to be but lets ignore that for now. 
My knees hurt and for 2 pins I would not have bothered tonight. There could have been other reasons for being tired. 

Not too shabby for 50?

Just a quick addenda.  I never had a girl friend, there was a "false memory" about cutting my penis" and also my voice not breaking.  I was never a rufty tufty male.  How much of that could be put down to shyness or autism, however you are defining that, and how much to a latent GID?  I am searching around again for a ceolacanth.  Some sign, some shadow, some protoPaige, something I can cling onto.  

Red Shift

Managed to get in a photosession today.  It was a bit of a battle.  From the battle to find stuff which included a drawer breaking, the catsuit being well hidden and a lot of getting into a right tizzy.  Didnot really enjoy it at the time.  As happens at the end the final few shots just worked.  Used the old auburn wig, shame the sideburns showed.  The exposure is still off and the focus seemed to be a battle.  Need to reduce the time between shots too.  General grief after being nearly found out last time.  On the plus side used the MAC studiofix foundation much lighter and it was a result.  The entire makeup part seemed to be quite quick.
Other matters.  The new bra is a definite success.  Get a bit of cleavage which can work with.  Brighton 2013 is just going to be friday to friday sadly.  Got ticket email and saw £15 but not sure wanted friday.  After lunch went for it and it had gone up to £27.  Had a bit of a dither about a couple of days in University of Brighton accommodation £60.  Again issue with where to put pack.  Also realy, really didnot want to go back there, though it would be quiet and cheap.  As it stands will only get 5 days dressed and 1 day for walk.  Be nice to get second friday and saturday.  The compromise I have made is that there WILL be a holiday in october.
Flickr has changed.  Be nice to get 1 Tb of storage but the interface is really horrible.  Do not want to leave or anything but will see. 
Stretched right nipple to 2 mm and downsized left to 2 mm.  Surprisingly painful.  Wearing BCR rings now.  May even have to retire left for repiercing.  Still really want PA again. 
Paige has been rumbling again.  The 2 mg per day has put the mind back to female mode.  Nipples sensitive.
Need 2013 to be a success. 

Still have not started work on voice.

Four finger KitKat

I have been taking pics for say 5 years now.  There has been advamces; using the Sony Alpha 200, better flash unit, tripod, various photomanipulation programs and a second flash unit but allways there has been the sense that the final pic should be better.  Granted the limited time available prevents much investigation but still.  Finally got the chance to use the new mains flash.  That was last week and it didnot syncronise properly so used the Sony flash on manual mode and was impressed by the improvement.  Then this week sorted out the syncronisation issue, use the wired trigger, and had the time to take some pics.  Again in manual mode.  Well they are another significant improvement, very pleased.  It helps that overexposure burns out detail but feel a real advance has been made.
If say 3 years ago I had tried manual mode I suspect the pics would have been better.  Granted also using now less makeup but it makes you think.. You believe all the hype talking between camera and flash, TTL flash metering.  Still need to get a new machine and put photoshop on but a real result.

If, as ses increasingly possible, I can keep the camera a bit longer. 

Nigel Molesworth

First up I have found a new laptop.  Clearly its not new but actually a 7 year old sony vaio, rebuilt bit more memory.  Hopefully it will do for the moment and if it means £300 can be deferred then thats a result.
Got ticket from Newcastle to London, Kings Cross. Noticed email this afternoon, went for it.  OK not first class, say another £29.85 but prepared to rought it for £15.  So that is probably also a result too.  Not sure how much London to Faversham wil be but even so.
Was at work kid, small, black hair, tight leggings, sunglasses in distance.  hair in that helmet cut, say Steel from Sapphire and Steel.  Thought it was a girl, but no.  "Thats a boy, something wrong with him there" somebody goes.  Played it cool but first feeling was jealously, being small and having so many years ahead of her, if that what they really wanted to be.  Second thought was how difficult it must be and was going to be for them.  Then again they were doing it now, hopefully, possibly, it was not too difficult for them.  Imagine that, small and young and doing it and being in an enlightened environment.
Few stupid mood swings, on 2 mg per day, hmm. Still no plan, still doing it.
Last saturday put Aldi makeu p on and was taking pics, only bikini, when J*** comes back early. All ends well but sense they know and were delivrately staying downstairs.  Not happy with thighs. incidently.
The diet well not a success really.  Managed a bit of Pilates, a run but knees bad.  Really want to get down to 11 st 7 but not sure how.  Interesting post about being fatter means being more easly able to pass.  Ignoring being 6ft 2in of course!
To my left is a bottle of Absolur Vodka.  Remeber getting a bottle at Oddbins Liverpool with a jar of Cranberry juice.  The silver top. Say Paige had awakened then well how would things have been different.  Probably a real battle so, again, the mantra its best it only happened now applies.
Is there a student in S****** wanting to wake up female? Really wanting it soo badly?  Hopefully the student counsellor or GP or head of year has picked up on it and they are getting support.  If  they are out there I hope they are happy or get there soon.