Still on the pitch, doing the hard tackles

It is friday night.  It had been a productive day and I have had the evening to myself and wll have the rest of the night.  Little bit of camming and some, not many, new pics.  not as good as last time but still better with new flash.  sadly at 12st someting sometimes I look slightly chubby.   More worryingly I also look a bit old. No surprise there.  Its begining to feel as if I started a race late and though people will admire how much ground I have made up and my effort I will never be in the top group.  There has been so much effort too; dieting, exercise, contact lenses, MAC makeup, camera etc, a lot of research and, lets befair if slightly vain for a moment, I have made a damn good fist of it.  other girls are fatter, take worse pics, a bad with makeup and their effect is worse.  However they look young and could lap me if they put the work in.
So what am I saying, a gradual acceptance of my lot and withdraw from the game? Well only to an extent.  As long as I have good legs and am thin this girl will be out there.  There is the question of where out there is going to be but lets ignore that for now. 
My knees hurt and for 2 pins I would not have bothered tonight. There could have been other reasons for being tired. 

Not too shabby for 50?

Just a quick addenda.  I never had a girl friend, there was a "false memory" about cutting my penis" and also my voice not breaking.  I was never a rufty tufty male.  How much of that could be put down to shyness or autism, however you are defining that, and how much to a latent GID?  I am searching around again for a ceolacanth.  Some sign, some shadow, some protoPaige, something I can cling onto.  

Red Shift

Managed to get in a photosession today.  It was a bit of a battle.  From the battle to find stuff which included a drawer breaking, the catsuit being well hidden and a lot of getting into a right tizzy.  Didnot really enjoy it at the time.  As happens at the end the final few shots just worked.  Used the old auburn wig, shame the sideburns showed.  The exposure is still off and the focus seemed to be a battle.  Need to reduce the time between shots too.  General grief after being nearly found out last time.  On the plus side used the MAC studiofix foundation much lighter and it was a result.  The entire makeup part seemed to be quite quick.
Other matters.  The new bra is a definite success.  Get a bit of cleavage which can work with.  Brighton 2013 is just going to be friday to friday sadly.  Got ticket email and saw £15 but not sure wanted friday.  After lunch went for it and it had gone up to £27.  Had a bit of a dither about a couple of days in University of Brighton accommodation £60.  Again issue with where to put pack.  Also realy, really didnot want to go back there, though it would be quiet and cheap.  As it stands will only get 5 days dressed and 1 day for walk.  Be nice to get second friday and saturday.  The compromise I have made is that there WILL be a holiday in october.
Flickr has changed.  Be nice to get 1 Tb of storage but the interface is really horrible.  Do not want to leave or anything but will see. 
Stretched right nipple to 2 mm and downsized left to 2 mm.  Surprisingly painful.  Wearing BCR rings now.  May even have to retire left for repiercing.  Still really want PA again. 
Paige has been rumbling again.  The 2 mg per day has put the mind back to female mode.  Nipples sensitive.
Need 2013 to be a success. 

Still have not started work on voice.

Four finger KitKat

I have been taking pics for say 5 years now.  There has been advamces; using the Sony Alpha 200, better flash unit, tripod, various photomanipulation programs and a second flash unit but allways there has been the sense that the final pic should be better.  Granted the limited time available prevents much investigation but still.  Finally got the chance to use the new mains flash.  That was last week and it didnot syncronise properly so used the Sony flash on manual mode and was impressed by the improvement.  Then this week sorted out the syncronisation issue, use the wired trigger, and had the time to take some pics.  Again in manual mode.  Well they are another significant improvement, very pleased.  It helps that overexposure burns out detail but feel a real advance has been made.
If say 3 years ago I had tried manual mode I suspect the pics would have been better.  Granted also using now less makeup but it makes you think.. You believe all the hype talking between camera and flash, TTL flash metering.  Still need to get a new machine and put photoshop on but a real result.

If, as ses increasingly possible, I can keep the camera a bit longer. 

Nigel Molesworth

First up I have found a new laptop.  Clearly its not new but actually a 7 year old sony vaio, rebuilt bit more memory.  Hopefully it will do for the moment and if it means £300 can be deferred then thats a result.
Got ticket from Newcastle to London, Kings Cross. Noticed email this afternoon, went for it.  OK not first class, say another £29.85 but prepared to rought it for £15.  So that is probably also a result too.  Not sure how much London to Faversham wil be but even so.
Was at work kid, small, black hair, tight leggings, sunglasses in distance.  hair in that helmet cut, say Steel from Sapphire and Steel.  Thought it was a girl, but no.  "Thats a boy, something wrong with him there" somebody goes.  Played it cool but first feeling was jealously, being small and having so many years ahead of her, if that what they really wanted to be.  Second thought was how difficult it must be and was going to be for them.  Then again they were doing it now, hopefully, possibly, it was not too difficult for them.  Imagine that, small and young and doing it and being in an enlightened environment.
Few stupid mood swings, on 2 mg per day, hmm. Still no plan, still doing it.
Last saturday put Aldi makeu p on and was taking pics, only bikini, when J*** comes back early. All ends well but sense they know and were delivrately staying downstairs.  Not happy with thighs. incidently.
The diet well not a success really.  Managed a bit of Pilates, a run but knees bad.  Really want to get down to 11 st 7 but not sure how.  Interesting post about being fatter means being more easly able to pass.  Ignoring being 6ft 2in of course!
To my left is a bottle of Absolur Vodka.  Remeber getting a bottle at Oddbins Liverpool with a jar of Cranberry juice.  The silver top. Say Paige had awakened then well how would things have been different.  Probably a real battle so, again, the mantra its best it only happened now applies.
Is there a student in S****** wanting to wake up female? Really wanting it soo badly?  Hopefully the student counsellor or GP or head of year has picked up on it and they are getting support.  If  they are out there I hope they are happy or get there soon.

Need to raise my game

Bought a couple of items of clothing from Lidl, went for small rather than medium.  Had to think about it and it was a mistake.  Not a total disregard of reality mistakebut a mistake I had done before.  In quite a few ways I am 10-12 size BUT, here it comes, there are bulges in the wrong places.  Granted there is the obvious one but also the bottomm of the rib cage and the muscles in the abdomen.  The body is too thickbetween end of ribs and pelvis, the rib cage is too large.  The hands are wrong too but this is not the place for that issue.  What am I saying? Well the top In bought at M and S Brighton worked because I went up a size and because it was dark and patterned and hid these features.  Likew a woman I now need to be more clever than just sizes, patterns and cut matter too. Granted at my height there are other issues too.
Last february at the Premier In I was left with the slight sense that I was relying on the politeness of strangers.  The wig was well off and the makeup less than ideal, thats before we get to the voice.  It was not a good feeling.  The lips need work.I may never pass but I can do more.  The Aldi mksup may help as well as realistic wig and dress sense.
The estrofem really kicked in today.  Three days and it was just there affecting my mental stare. 

First signs of concern

Lets get this one down before the battery goes phttt.  Brighton 2013 first.  Seven nights, down on friday leaving next friday; 6 days on Brighton, say 1 day for the walk so left with 5.  Five fdays, at best of being Paige. Last year I managed 8-9.  Will that be enough? OK it will have to be probably.  Then that brings up the bigger question; so far has iyt been a good year for Paige?  Well last year was very good, so far this year there was Brighton in February, fewer pics and less dressing. There was TBirds too. Stopped hormones too.  May have restarted them but lets not go there yet.  We have moved further on but even so.  Too early to say but lets start thinking more needs to be done. 
This leads to the question where are we going with Paige?  Assuming the answer is not stay at the same point then it gets tricky and the reasons for stopping the hormones apply.  Is that enough?  Do I really want to do more?  Lets try for a good 5 days at Brighton.  No guarantee of a November holiday either.

Currently seen to be a bit becalmed.  Not ideal really.

Anophelies Mosquito

Despite hving been through counselling, been outside and want to do it again and other experiences every so often it flares up like a bout of malaria.  Is it forn real and how far down the line am I?  Would I transition?  I would be so happy if I could find some evidence of childhood GID but there is not.  It is possible there is a whole bunch of suppressed memories which will one day jump out.  There is the possible false memory where I cut my penis and this memory really is somewhat odd but nothing else. What I am getting at is can I be truely transgendered if there is no history of it?  Perhaps ultimatly the answer is it does not matter.  Its where I am now that counts.  There is no this is silly or stupid when I dress or go out.  I have just clunked a glass against my right pierced ear labret.  Surely pierced ears mean something?  In August I will do Brighton and there will be beaucoup dressing.  Perhaps the question is "is 5 years enough to say its real?"  If the hormones meant anything its that transitioning needs a definite answer and if in doubt don't.